The Woman Who Came To Dinner

January 26, 2009 8:48 AM

Is it a social faux pas to ask a party's host for help contacting a guest?

My meta-meta-boss (upper management, if you will) had a huge birthday bash. I met an interesting girl with whom I found I had much in common. Chatting up a stranger by itself is a rarity for me, but we had a lot of fun with billiards and talking. We got separated before I could ask for contact info.

I'm bummed, but I feel like I can still do something. A co-worker/friend suggested I ask my boss for help contacting her. I know they know each other.

Is this a good idea? This is my boss, after all, but she's a very cool person. My judgment is always hazy in social situations like this.

And yes, you could hypothesize yourself into the ground and tell me she's not worth finding because she didn't say 'OMG I <3 U HERES MY PHONE #, FAX #, IM NAME AND SSN!!!!1' from the get-go. But please don't. If she doesn't want to talk, I'd rather she tell me.

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 comments total)

I would just ask. Don't know if it's a paux pas or not though. If you say your boss is cool, then who cares if it is.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 8:52 AM on January 26, 2009

I would not feel comfortable doing this, and (I'm a boss myself) I would be doubly uncomfortable if an employee of mine came to me asking same. $.02 and all that.
posted by Skot at 8:53 AM on January 26, 2009

As a rule, it's entirely normal to ask someone for their guest's contact info, or ask them to pass yours along to the other person. It may be a little bit iffier due to the work connection, but I don't think this is a faux pas at all.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:53 AM on January 26, 2009

There's nothing wrong with asking the hostess to help you contact a guest (although you shouldn't couch it in "SHE WAS SEW HOT!!!!!11!!" terms, of course) but if the the hostess is a thoughtful friend she'll pass along your contact info to the guest, rather than than vice versa -- it provides an extra layer of privacy for her friend (who, after all, may or may not want to be contacted).

Good luck!
posted by kate blank at 8:54 AM on January 26, 2009 [5 favorites]

In my experience most people love helping others by playing match-maker - obviously not true for everyone but it's a generalization I feel OK with. The proper conduct would be to tell the host that you met someone, describe them and ask them to pass on your contact info (email and phone). That gives the girl you met the power to get in touch with you or not. If she doesn't get in touch with you, don't follow it up.
posted by jedrek at 8:56 AM on January 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

How about you ask your meta-meta-boss to pass your contact information along?
posted by fusinski at 8:56 AM on January 26, 2009 [9 favorites]

After seeing Skot's comment: I'm not a boss, and I've never had any work/life mixing, so keep that in mind.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:58 AM on January 26, 2009

Connecting people is the host's job. That's what a host is.

The work connection does make it odd. As your boss the next time you're in a non-work situation together. Party, lunch, run into on street...
posted by rokusan at 9:05 AM on January 26, 2009

Ask for another set up. Removes the weirdness upon contacting her as well.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:13 AM on January 26, 2009

You say meta-meta boss, it really depends on the politics of the company. I am a "boss" and would totally pass on the contact information, if I was unsure about the girl or how it would go down, I'd probably ask for your contact information and pass it on.

However, if I went to one of our mega bosses (or head of a partner company, etc.), I'd definitely ask for the girl's contact information because these people are usually very, very busy. I would also contact the assistant, who will probably be your greatest resource. If this was a planned party, then you bet the assistant will have everyone's information somewhere or know how to get it.

I don't know why this would be weird or iffy, that's the whole point of a lot of these social functions. The only way this would be weird is if you had some sort of meta-boss who is an asshole that finds out you contacted his boss (and by god, how dare you without going through him). He might bust your balls, but it is nothing to do with what you're doing, he'd probably bust your balls anyway.
posted by geoff. at 9:13 AM on January 26, 2009

Your boss threw a BIRTHDAY BASH and invited you. She's definitely cool enough to ask about this. I remember one guy my age started at my job a year ago and my (also cool) boss kept trying to have me sit next to him at all meetings, and during lunch. THAT actually made it a bit awkward because the guy and I were friends and we both noticed it. But I'm sure she would've been thrilled if we'd have gotten together because of her pushing and prodding.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 9:14 AM on January 26, 2009

Nthing the idea to ask the boss to pass along your contact information. Don't take any more action if she never gets in contact with you.
posted by PFL at 9:19 AM on January 26, 2009

Dittoing what PFL said. I've had this happen to me twice (met guy at party, host passed along his contact info). I didn't get in touch with either guy (one was really creepy), but I also didn't have to field uncomfortable phone calls, and I certainly wasn't offended that the guys in question tried to follow up.
posted by different at 9:25 AM on January 26, 2009

yep, totally normal. I've done this on several occasions and depending on the personalities involved, I either gave an e-mail or passed on the e-mail address. So far 2 marriages, one LTR and about 3 hook-ups ensued, with only one strike-out.
posted by Wilder at 9:32 AM on January 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Given that it was a non-work scenario and you're all adults, there's nothing wrong with writing email to boss saying "Thanks for invite, had a great time, blablahbleh especially talking to that one woman XXXXX. If it's appropriate could you help me pass on my contact info to her?"

You do know her name right? That might be the deciding factor. If you didn't even get her name you should just let it go.

Side note: next time get her number dude.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:34 AM on January 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

To ask a host to help is absolutely okay. To ask a boss, not nearly as cut and dried.

If this was a social occasion -- ie, there were many people there who were not employees or clients -- and if you know the host of the party fairly well and if you can do it with a low key almost businessy way ("Andrea and I had an interesting conversation about X at the party and I wanted to follow up with her. Can you pass long my email address?") then I think it'd be okay.

If it was a business occasion, and the woman was either an employee elsewhere in the company or a client, then I'd be much, much more cautious.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:40 AM on January 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

This is totally normal. Ask the boss for the number and get in contact with the girl.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 10:07 AM on January 26, 2009

You know, my initial reaction was based on an unwarranted assumption that I read into the question, which was that the woman in question was another employee. If that wasn't the case, then I'd feel much less ooky about being asked this. Sorry about that.
posted by Skot at 10:08 AM on January 26, 2009

Going through the host is usually perfectly correct.

The most polite way is to give the host a note to relay to the other guest. The host may feel uncomfortable giving the other guest's personal info to you, so it's best not to ask for that.
posted by cmiller at 10:10 AM on January 26, 2009 [2 favorites]

I met the not-yet-Mrs. Plinth at a party and failed to ask for her phone number. I asked the hostess if she would let her know that I was interested. The hostess gave not-yet-Mrs. Plinth my number.

Socially acceptable, privacy preserved.
posted by plinth at 10:43 AM on January 26, 2009

I agree with the passing along your contact information rather than asking for the girl's. I was at a holiday party where the hostess passed along my work phone number (!) to another guest without asking or telling me. I came back from my holiday vacation with voicemails of increasing desperation from some dude I only vaguely remembered (and had deliberately not given my phone number to) and the receptionist laughing at me. The whole thing was unnecessarily weird.
posted by *s at 11:06 AM on January 26, 2009

There is actually a social rule for this. You can pass along your information, but cannot ask for someone else's. Maybe write a little note in an envelope, and ask your boss if she can pass it along? That's more charming than just saying, "Here's my number, tell that hot chick to call me."
posted by tk at 11:15 AM on January 26, 2009

If you think your boss will be weird about it, why not simply invent an innocent reason for needing to contact her? Say she was going to give you information about a book/URL/location of a restaurant you talked about and you lost the bit of paper she gave you.

And n'thing forwarding YOUR phone number rather than asking for hers.
posted by cranberrymonger at 1:22 PM on January 26, 2009

First inquire as to her availability.
Then, if she's available, have your boss pass along your info.
posted by chillmost at 2:40 PM on January 26, 2009

Big bosses who throw parties are likely to be good at connecting people. I don't see how it would be out of place to ask for help making a follow-up contact.

Why don't you do the old fashioned thing and send a *thank you* to the host for a wonderful time. Along with your thank you, include your request to pass along your contact information to the woman. I think it would also be appropriate to ask for her full name if you don't know it, but not for her contact info.
posted by Good Brain at 3:18 PM on January 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

By having a "huge birthday bash," your boss invited situations like this to arise. As many others have said, this is what hosts do.

I would avoid asking for this information under the guise of anything other than exactly that, as that would garner more discomfort a straightforward approach. tk is right in saying that you would be committing a faux pas by asking for the person's contact information.

It is also, more generally speaking, rarely a social faux pas to ask to be introduced to someone more formally. These silly social rules harken back to a time when this was all done on a much more regimented basis - appointments for tea, prepared routines, official printed calling cards, etc.

Also, if you ever have a question such as these, AskMeFi is a great place to start and you'll get good sound advice, but you could always just ask the professionals.
posted by greekphilosophy at 3:43 PM on January 26, 2009

Oh, do it. This is what parties are for.
posted by paultopia at 1:35 AM on January 27, 2009

I'm the OP. Might as well come out.

It was five days before I caught my boss in the hall. (I don't see her much.) She gave me her last name and pointed me to facebook. (Glamourous!) I sent her a friend invite but haven't heard back from her.

I'd like to say I'm not holding my breath, but really it's ruined my day. I never go to parties, and I mingle even less, so getting brushed aside hurts like hell.
posted by spamguy at 10:38 AM on January 30, 2009

If it's any consolation, not everyone who is on facebook checks in frequently, and even among those who do, not everyone checks or deals with their friend requests promptly.

Oh, and really, you feel crummy, but are you materially any worse off than if you'd never gone to the party in the first place? Or, for that matter, if you'd never asked for the contact info? Its clear from the fact that you even asked the question that not trying had its own emotional downsides.
posted by Good Brain at 12:34 PM on January 30, 2009

I know, plate of beans and all that. Miracles happen. Just saying, if she is anything like the standard college student, she'd only leave facebook to sleep and occasionally do homework.

Not talking to anyone or not pursuing her contact further woulda been lame, but not equal to getting brushed off. I'd facepalm and move on.
posted by spamguy at 3:24 PM on January 30, 2009