Old friend: New lover
January 23, 2009 7:46 PM Subscribe
How to talk about things you're worried might happen, but haven't happened yet?
About eight months ago, I started dating an old friend, whom I had crushed on pretty heavily nearly a decade ago. We started as a fling, and it’s lasted. By any measure of consideration, he's a wonderful human being– thoughtful, kind, curious about the world, genuinely motivated and compassionate. Every time I talk to him, I feel so lucky that I finally get to share this kind of intimacy with him.
The problem being – fears? Back in college, he kind of dropped off the map and “disappeared” for awhile (dropped out of school, biked around a lot, traveled, generally didn't tell people where he was going) This was distressing and scary for me and a lot of other people, though ultimately, for him, I think the right thing to do. It's not something we've ever talked about, because we weren't really close at the time, and because frankly it seemed like none of my business. Now, occasionally, he talks about hitting the road, backpacking abroad, going away for months to do zine circuits. Meanwhile, I’m really busy and stressed out with school, and worrying about things I shouldn’t be worrying about – namely, that this wonderful person who’s reentered my life is going to up and disappear, maybe for good? And because I love him, and respect him, and want what’s best for him, I’m going to have to be OK with this.
This is a shitty way to feel about someone you love. It’s also totally unjustified – he’s just started an internship here in my city, ostensibly to be closer to me, and by all accounts things have been going really well. But the fact that I FEEL this way really bothers me. And the fact that it’s a stupid fear makes me feel like I can’t talk about it, which sucks even more.
What’s the best way (i.e. most grown-up way) to broach this without hurting his feelings? Or should I just accept that I’m a paranoid freak, be quiet about it, and move on?
About eight months ago, I started dating an old friend, whom I had crushed on pretty heavily nearly a decade ago. We started as a fling, and it’s lasted. By any measure of consideration, he's a wonderful human being– thoughtful, kind, curious about the world, genuinely motivated and compassionate. Every time I talk to him, I feel so lucky that I finally get to share this kind of intimacy with him.
The problem being – fears? Back in college, he kind of dropped off the map and “disappeared” for awhile (dropped out of school, biked around a lot, traveled, generally didn't tell people where he was going) This was distressing and scary for me and a lot of other people, though ultimately, for him, I think the right thing to do. It's not something we've ever talked about, because we weren't really close at the time, and because frankly it seemed like none of my business. Now, occasionally, he talks about hitting the road, backpacking abroad, going away for months to do zine circuits. Meanwhile, I’m really busy and stressed out with school, and worrying about things I shouldn’t be worrying about – namely, that this wonderful person who’s reentered my life is going to up and disappear, maybe for good? And because I love him, and respect him, and want what’s best for him, I’m going to have to be OK with this.
This is a shitty way to feel about someone you love. It’s also totally unjustified – he’s just started an internship here in my city, ostensibly to be closer to me, and by all accounts things have been going really well. But the fact that I FEEL this way really bothers me. And the fact that it’s a stupid fear makes me feel like I can’t talk about it, which sucks even more.
What’s the best way (i.e. most grown-up way) to broach this without hurting his feelings? Or should I just accept that I’m a paranoid freak, be quiet about it, and move on?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
You're not paranoid. But you are jumping the gun a little. Eight months into a relationship, he might decide to take a road trip, but it more than likely won't have anything to do with you. It sounds like he's just an adventurous, curious guy (and I bet that's why you like him).
It he's just started an internship, then I don't think you have too much to worry about. It sounds like he's planning on sticking around, at least for awhile.
When you guys start to discuss future plan as partners, I would bring it up. If he's the kind of guy who likes to take off on an adventure every now and then, you're not going to be able to squelch that. And trying to would be a very very bad idea. I'd ask for some consolations which would make his absence more bearable for you. Figure out what type of compromises you would need (firm return dates, emergency money saved up, and frequency of contact would be my requests). Maybe he'll invite you. Adventures are hard to come by and very worth it with an experienced traveler.
I warn you though: unless you guys are already making plans for the long term future - don't bring it up now. It'll just freak him out.
In the meantime. Relax and enjoy the beginnings. OMG, the beginnings. I wish I could do it all over again.
posted by dchrssyr at 8:12 PM on January 23, 2009
It he's just started an internship, then I don't think you have too much to worry about. It sounds like he's planning on sticking around, at least for awhile.
When you guys start to discuss future plan as partners, I would bring it up. If he's the kind of guy who likes to take off on an adventure every now and then, you're not going to be able to squelch that. And trying to would be a very very bad idea. I'd ask for some consolations which would make his absence more bearable for you. Figure out what type of compromises you would need (firm return dates, emergency money saved up, and frequency of contact would be my requests). Maybe he'll invite you. Adventures are hard to come by and very worth it with an experienced traveler.
I warn you though: unless you guys are already making plans for the long term future - don't bring it up now. It'll just freak him out.
In the meantime. Relax and enjoy the beginnings. OMG, the beginnings. I wish I could do it all over again.
posted by dchrssyr at 8:12 PM on January 23, 2009
If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it was meant to be.. and all that.
Can you make plans to travel together? If not, just keep in touch - couples have survived worse things than vacations/hippies.
posted by hypersloth at 8:16 PM on January 23, 2009
Can you make plans to travel together? If not, just keep in touch - couples have survived worse things than vacations/hippies.
posted by hypersloth at 8:16 PM on January 23, 2009
It seems like there are two different issues - one is his desire to wander and the other is your fear that he will just disappear. The next time he talks about hitting the road, I would say, "If you do go, will you be sure to tell me ahead of time. It was hard not knowing where you were and what was happening back when and now that I care for you so much it would be even harder if you just disappeared without a word."
It would not fair of him to up and disappear on you at this stage in the relationship. He might still go (and he doesn't need listen to your opinion if you are not committed to each other) but he owes you fair notice of his plans. If he is a good guy, he will understand that you are not asking him to stay, you are just asking him to let you know beforehand.
That seems like a reasonable promise to ask for. Then if he does tell that he has wanderlust, you can negotiate what level of communication would work for both of you while he is gone. If you don't want him to go, you can decide at that point whether it is fair to ask him to take your needs into consideration. In either case, all you need right now the reassurance that he won't just take off without you having a chance to talk about it before he goes.
posted by metahawk at 8:39 PM on January 23, 2009
It would not fair of him to up and disappear on you at this stage in the relationship. He might still go (and he doesn't need listen to your opinion if you are not committed to each other) but he owes you fair notice of his plans. If he is a good guy, he will understand that you are not asking him to stay, you are just asking him to let you know beforehand.
That seems like a reasonable promise to ask for. Then if he does tell that he has wanderlust, you can negotiate what level of communication would work for both of you while he is gone. If you don't want him to go, you can decide at that point whether it is fair to ask him to take your needs into consideration. In either case, all you need right now the reassurance that he won't just take off without you having a chance to talk about it before he goes.
posted by metahawk at 8:39 PM on January 23, 2009
I have to ask, what's a "zine circuit"?
posted by AmbroseChapel at 8:40 PM on January 23, 2009
posted by AmbroseChapel at 8:40 PM on January 23, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
As long as you make it clear that you recognize that the fear is irrational, and that you respect him and care about him, it seems like a really good and important conversation to have. Whatever you do, don't bottle it up--no sense letting an irrational fear ruin a lovely relationship.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:03 PM on January 23, 2009 [1 favorite]