helping relieve stress and overwork from afar

January 23, 2009 4:45 PM

Someone I love is very burned out and is still facing another month of overwork before he gets any real break. Thinking about ways I can help.

We live far enough apart that I can't travel to where he is this month, so the obvious material help-around-the-house is out. I'm on a tight budget this spring, so buying anything is pretty much out. The best thing I can think of is making it clear that I'm both listening whenever he wants to talk and not expecting any particular level of contact from him when he doesn't have the time. He knows me as a completely non-judgmental and loving ear, so that's one kind of help.

He doesn't have any way to postpone, lighten or delegate his responsibilities; it just happens to be a month where intense work deadlines and family commitments are intersecting. He doesn't have specific ideas about how I can help at such times.

I know it's hard for strangers to guess from outside, but I'm just looking for any random ideas you have, however small or simple. :)

posted by kalapierson to human relations (10 comments total)

for appx 50 cents a day, you can mail him a snail mail letter a day with cute drawings and sweet things. no one ever gets real mail anymore - especially not handwritten letters or drawings!
posted by citystalk at 4:50 PM on January 23 [1 favorite]

Piggybacking on citystalk's idea, which is great, I would add that if you do the snail mail route, maybe institute some sort of a countdown. I have often found that when faced with nasty periods of nonstopohmygodcannottakealltheneverendingstress, it is always nice to remember that it is temporary, and will end soon enough. Maybe offer some sort of reward for when the stress period is over?
posted by msali at 4:58 PM on January 23

You can even make a snail mail approach more practical by buying stamps ahead of time [there are some nice 42 cent stamps with hearts on them right now] and envelopes and finding a way to say something nice each day without you feeling like "oh my god how am I going to write a letter?" So like with me and my long distance sweetie we'd just list what we were wearing or had eaten that day if we wanted to sort of share a part of our day but weren't feeling particularly inspired or communicative otherwise.

Another thing that can sometimes lighten the load is to help that person appear or be awesome to the people that are causing them strain. I don't know if this person is your partner and/or if you have a relationship with his family, but maybe sending along a gift from the two of you (if that's the sort of thing we're talking about) or even just passing on good vibes as appropriate "Oh I know how much friend-of-kalaperson was looking forward to this event, you guys are so important to him..." sort of thing. I may not be communicating myself clearly here, but basically projecting the best image of stressed-out-friend into the larger world you share instead of projecting friend as stressed-out-mess is often a sort of kindness that a lot of people don't think about.

Lastly, if you know people who are in his area this month who could do little things like leave a fresh baked loaf of bread on his doorstep or bring flowers to his workplace (or whatever his comfort stuff would be -- as a favor to you and taken care of by you but delivered by someone else) that's often a nice hands-off way to show you're thinking of someone that's not a time intensive phone call or chat session.
posted by jessamyn at 5:07 PM on January 23 [1 favorite]

I would like to echo citystalk above and say that mailing things -- even if it's a comic or crossword puzzle you cut out from a newspaper you found on the bus and a scribble on a post-it -- lets a person know that you're thinking of them.

Sending a treat would be even better. I know you mentioned you're a bit short on cash, but a trip to the bulk food store can be inexpensive and the five recipes provided at the above site are supposed to ship well.

In the past, I've visited the dollar store and found a few items that are lightweight and flat, and don't need extra postage to mail. I've sent cheap toy airplanes made of foam or balsa wood that require some assembly, and that takes a person's mind off of the task at hand just long enough. There are soft foam puzzles that turn into cubes, or you could make your own puzzle with a photo you've taken or a snapshot of the two of you together, in a group of friends, etc. Even if he doesn't have time to assemble the airplane or do the puzzle, I would like to think that it's the thought that counts and I always feel great when I see that somebody has taken the time to do something thoughtful for me.

A $1 or $2 scratch ticket might be nice, or simply a list of things that you're looking forward to doing, foods you are eating, things you admire about them (loyal, committed, hardworking - acknowledging the qualities he possesses that will help him through this month) movies you'll see with the person next time you're together. You could send a bag of tea or a packet of instant hot chocolate with a short note that encourages them to take a 5 minute break, and time for themselves.

Even though most people have cell phones, a $5 phone card gets you a lot of minutes from a payphone or work phone (after hours) and truly lets a person know that you're available at any time, from anywhere.

$5 - phone card
$1 - scratch ticket
$0 - comic/sudoku/crossword puzzle from newspaper
$2 - dollar store trinket
$.50 - tea bag

= $8.50 (+ postage) for one letter a week with a little surprise inside accompanied by a note. I think he would feel quite loved :)

I still vote for cookies and I'm quite sure they wouldn't be TOO expensive to mail, especially if you've got the basic ingredients on hand.

The cherry on top would be a burned CD full of great songs - angry songs, happy songs, songs that will pump him up or songs that he can relax to... along with mail, carefully crafted playlists are the best things ever!
posted by nathaole at 5:16 PM on January 23 [1 favorite]

when mr. m. was slogging through a tough period at grad school and i was broker than broke, i mailed a letter every day. i had to work hard to come up with something interesting, i drew photographs, i cut things out from magazines, i did a ton of cute things. i already had a book of stamps and i had envelopes and paper.

he LOVED coming home every day and having an envelope waiting for him. he just LOVED it. it took a couple of days before he caught on that it was an everyday thing. he said it just brightened his world immeasurably.
posted by micawber at 6:01 PM on January 23

Someone used to send me cards with one stick of gum inside. So corny. But always made me laugh.
posted by cda at 6:02 PM on January 23

Hmm, if I was under intense stress, I actually probably wouldn't want to be getting tons of snail mail or outright gifts. One or two would be great. Or maybe you could make clear that you really don't expect anything in return. The thing to watch out for is if the person then feels like they need to give you a "thanks, I got your package, that was so sweet of you" phone call, which is another thing on their "to do" list, one that could fill their entire mid-evening study break right there. On the one hand, you feel so grateful, but on the other, you feel like "great, another thing demanding my attention."

Packages are worse if they live in a neighborhood where the Post Office or UPS won't leave them at the door. You have to go to the depot to pick it up. Once my parents sent me a care package that got returned because I didn't get to the Post Office in time, and I felt so bad.

The thing I most wanted during those times was patience, forbearance, and sympathy. I knew I couldn't talk much. And that I was self-absorbed and jittery and distracted. Knowing that it was really okay removed a huge burden. Also, concern was great. I really appreciated people who called and just asked "how's it going?" in a sympathetic voice. Being super stressed and busy feels like being down in a well, and I always felt grateful to the people who looked in on me occasionally. Plus, once or twice I was really worried and was incredibly grateful for a little reassurance. ("you'll get through this," and "don't you think it'll be pretty good even if it's not perfect?") Distraction and jokes were appreciated. The people I could still find on IM at 2 AM were appreciated.

Daily necessities were also huge: snacky food, healthy food, nice soap (this might just be me, but showering was about the only time I wasn't working), and clean socks.

Lots more answers here.
posted by salvia at 6:14 PM on January 23

When I'm under intense stress the most helpful thing most people can do is get out of my way. You may be trying to help, but you're also one more thing on his to-do list.
posted by 517 at 7:09 PM on January 23

Yeah, he and I *definitely* lean towards intangible communication and paperlessness (so much so that I didn't even think to emphasize that in my question).

Daily sweet little IMs would be very welcome (and that already happens); daily or frequent sweet little things by physical mail would definitely be over-Stuff-ful.

I'm asking more in terms of the intangible stuff mentioned above: gentle reassurance, audio mixes, human networking/encouragement...
posted by kalapierson at 7:24 PM on January 23

One of the things I do when my significant other is stressed out from work is Photoshop various inside jokes. This serves to amuse me as well as her, and you don't have to snail mail anything.

I see that you are something of an aural artist. Maybe you could compose a comforting set of sounds for him.
posted by ignignokt at 8:49 PM on January 23