Schizophrenic and Looking for Love

January 23, 2009 8:47 AM

I’m schizophrenic, on parole because of it, and I am looking for love. Please help.

I am a man in my early thirties.

In the spring of 2000, I had my first mental break. During the course of this break I committed what the District Attorney’s office in my home state can consider a crime. Basically, at what would be the apex of my going crazy, I started a fire in the home that I was renting with two other gentlemen. (Mostly cosmetic damage, as no one was hurt) I am not an arsonist, really. The entirety of the mental break lasted about four days, and when I woke up in a psychiatric wing of a local area hospital, two days later, I realized that not only was my mind never going to be the same again, but that I was also very much in trouble with the law.

As a sentence, I received a twenty year conditional release into the community. (Parole/ intensive case management) I have never spent time in a mental institution. I also bypassed group homes and moved into an apartment by myself. This type of maneuvering within the parole system is incredibly rare, and demonstrates that both "The System" and I believe that I can live normally in the community. I am still doing quite well to maintain my conditional release via the various requirements demanded of me. Another thing that is rare about me is that I realize early when I am relapsing, and quickly ask for help. The medication works, and I would take it even if it were not required by my parole. I have been assured by many psychiatrists that what happened eight years ago will never happen again. And, it won’t. That on a personal level does not need their assurances

I have been diagnosed with a form of schizophrenia. I do minorly suffer, on an almost daily basis, from my biological brain disorder. But it does not stop me from enjoying my life. I collect federal disability. I also do some light free lance photography, which provides good cover. (“So, whatta do?”) I cannot and do not drink alcohol. It is against my parole to be in a bar. (Think about how that makes it hard for me to date) I have also quit smoking cigarettes.

I can be charming and moderately handsome and have had one long term relationship and some flings over years since I have had to start over with a different brain. But those women largely knew me before I became mentally ill. My closest female friends have told me that I am so pro active and serious about my life (I have to be), that I am desirable for just that. The problem is that I do not particularly like the conversation that plays out in my head when I consider telling a woman the real nature of who I am. Really, the woman is going to have quite the conversation with herself later that night. Not only do I have to tell her that I am mentally ill, but that I am also a paroled felon. Fuck.

So ladies, (and gents) given that information, what do you think? How would you react? How would you want to be told? General tips, advice, success stories, etc. And yes, I do know that the woman would genuinely have to be quite interested in me, and also, that any woman I settle down with for the long haul is going to have to be incredibly special. Still, I am preoccupied by my lot in life, and it is prohibiting me from asking women out on a date.

Throwaway email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (18 comments total)

I may be oversimplifying things, but I would think that you need to treat this as anyone treats aspects of their personality when dating or starting a relationship.

NO ONE on a first date puts all their baggage on the table and says "here is all of me, can you deal with this?" All of our baggage is revealed little by little over the course of weeks, months, years. Otherwise it's too big a shock and the person of romantic interest will be scared off, partially by the baggage and partially because it is not normal to unload so much so early in a relationship.

I would say don't lie, if something comes up in conversation you need to be honest. And I'd say within the first few weeks of a relationship there needs to be "a talk" where you start telling her these things. But to start, just be yourself on dates, and try to see if the relationship can go places before even bringing your past and mental illness into it. Then, little by little, start to share these things and hope she has become invested in you enough by then that they won't scare her off.

Good luck. Sincerely.
posted by arniec at 9:04 AM on January 23, 2009 [2 favorites]

I think arniec's answer is perfect. Don't start every relationship with "Hi, my name is Fred and I'm schizophrenic and a convicted felon!" Wait until you feel the two of you are getting to know each other and she has some basis for putting your past in context, then when an opening arises (you'll certainly wind up talking about each other's pasts) tell her the story. If I were you, I wouldn't be either overly solemn or overly flippant about it; I'd go for a tone light enough that she doesn't feel compelled to go all Oprah on you, then see how the conversation develops. She might say "Really? Wow, that's interesting, you've dealt with it amazingly well" and be totally cool about it, or she may turn and run. You can't control her reaction, all you can do is hope for the best. Remember, everyone has baggage and there are people out there who will be turned off by all kinds of things (I had to write off women who objected to beards, to take a trivial instance). And good luck!
posted by languagehat at 9:24 AM on January 23, 2009

You didn't mention how you're trying to meet people, but you may need to expand your pool to women with mental illness as well who will understand your challenges, if you haven't already. Are there advocacy or support or fellowship groups in your area? Online?

FWIW, as someone "neurotypical" (or whatever the lingo is, whatever it means) my biggest concern would be the "not working except for light freelance" bit...how else are you engaging your time? Volunteer work, projects? "High functioning 'x'" is always going to be a better sell than just 'x', to be blunt.
posted by availablelight at 9:27 AM on January 23, 2009

If I were on a date with someone and he told me this, I would wonder if I should be afraid for my personal safety. Not because you sound particularly dangerous, but because if I didn't have a lot of background and didn't know you, I wouldn't have any basis for knowing whether you were/had the potential to be violent. For this reason, I think you should start to talk about it fairly early (not first date, but before things are serious). I also think you should make sure that your first dates are in public, populated areas. If you tell her while you are alone in her house, or after you've been alone in her house, and she doesn't know for sure yet your potential/lack thereof for violence she is going to wonder if she has been or is in danger. Let her get used to the idea slowly. Show her that you aren't violent, manipulative, etc. by letting her direct her comfort level with you and respecting that. Give her complete information, honestly answer all her questions, and make sure she never feels like she's been tricked.

Good luck!
posted by ohio at 9:30 AM on January 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Don't worry about telling women who you are, tell them about what you want to be. The past is the past and will take care of itself, the future is something that other people can be interested in and make themselves a part of if they want. A felonious past is only an issue if you want to tell an awesome story, or why you're a fan of prison reform, or why you can't do [unavoidable thing]. "Sorry babe, I can't cross that line. I got a past." Then it'll be appropriate.

Also: online dating. There's plenty of "don't drink, don't smoke, don't drug" women out there. Some of them are also on meds. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on "incredibly special," though. It may just be that the perfect woman for you is someone who doesn't give a shit about your past problems as long as they're in the past. Or something like that, I'm just trying to make the point that the perfect woman may not think it's as big a problem as you do.

You might also read Erving Goffman's "Stigma," which shoots straight to the heart of the need many people feel to confess their sins up front like that.
posted by rhizome at 9:38 AM on January 23, 2009

I like rhizome's idea of online dating seeking "don't drink, don't smoke, don't drug." You might also check out on-line or in-person communities or support groups of people with mental health experiences and/or people with disabilities.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:51 AM on January 23, 2009

If I was dating you, I would want to know before things got serious, but not right away. Other people have given great advice on timing above. I would also appreciate it if you approached it in a way that gave me a chance to think about it before I really responded. Don't freak out if I don't know what to say. I might be a little bit scared, too, and would want to do some research so I could evaluate that feeling. I would probably appreciate it if you could point me in the direction of someplace I could start learning more, since you probably have more familiarity with the kinds of resources that are out there.

I would want you to understand if it took me some time to make a decision on whether I was comfortable getting serious with you. And the more patient and kind you were about my response, the better I'd feel about it.

Not everyone will be able to handle this. I hope that you get the opportunity to get close enough to share your life story with more people, and that you can let go gracefully of the ones who bow out. And I wish you luck. I know next-to-nothing about schizophrenia and felonies, but we all have things that are hard to share with people we are falling for. In that way, you are not so alone. If your honesty here is any indication, I think you are off to a good start.
posted by juliplease at 9:56 AM on January 23, 2009

Honestly, I think the schizophrenia is the least of your worries.

This is actually a good thing, because that's the one thing you can't do anything about.

Things that are a big issue.

1) You're on disability. This means not only are you unemployed, with the low standard-of-living that that entails (you're living on what, $800/month? Less?), but that someone judged you incapable of employment. People often use employment as a proxy for a wide range of competencies, so being unemployed raises red flags. Healthy, committed relationships are demanding, often far more so than your average 9-5. As most people generally can't choose to stop working and devote themselves entirely to a relationship, most people expect that relationships be maintained over and above the stresses of normal employment. If you can't even keep up with normal employment, how can anyone possibly expect you to survive in the far more emotionally demanding crucible of a serious relationship?

Fortunately, you can do something about this. Seek vocational rehab. Just about every local government has a program designed to get people who are on disability or are otherwise chronically unemployed into the work force. You seem like an ideal candidate: an otherwise healthy individual with a seemingly minor mental issue who, with the right training and support, might well be able to hold down a job. Think about it. If you aren't willing/able to do this, definitely follow up on availablelight's suggestion and take up volunteer work.

2) You are on parole. The can't-go-to-bars issue is actually pretty minor. It's entirely possible to meet people and have a relationship without drinking. But I'm sure there are other restrictions involved, like not leaving the state, etc. As you're going to be on parole until you're almost 50, this is an issue of some concern.

Fortunately, these obstacles can be worked around by making friends before you pursue a relationship with someone. If you are only spending time around women you know you want to date and immediately proceed to initiate such a relationship, you aren't giving anyone a chance to get to know you first. Once they know you, they can make decisions about the two of you with full enough knowledge that there aren't any unpleasant surprises later on.

How do you meet people and be friends? Try finding a schizophrenia or general disability support group. I'm sure there are such things in your city. Look for interest groups too: photography clubs, book groups, whatever. Check your local coffee shops, art museums, etc.

One final word of advice: not to be to harsh here, but you should probably come to terms with the fact that you aren't likely to attract many highly-educated career-minded women. They can find men who don't have your issues. You will probably be best suited with someone who shares your type of issues and is familiar with the kinds of problems they cause. Someone who understands your struggles from experience will be able to support you far better than someone who doesn't. So yeah, that may mean looking for other people on disability. If you can be picky enough to eschew people like yourself, why shouldn't others?
posted by valkyryn at 9:59 AM on January 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

1) You're on disability. This means not only are you unemployed, with the low standard-of-living that that entails (you're living on what, $800/month? Less?

The monthly benefit for SSI is $637, though the OP didn't state clearly whether he's on SSI or SSDI, which is based on work history and can be considerably higher.

Seek vocational rehab.

As a social worker who makes referrals to vocational rehabs for mentally ill clients, I would not make this referral based on what's posted here. I don't think there's any indication that the poster is deficient in job skills, in fact his post is extremely well written and I would imagine the kind of training you get in vocational rehab programs (most of which prepare you to do rudimentary labor) is not appropraite, here.

Basically, you don't have to go on disability for life. There are trial periods where, for instance, if he was offered a professional photography gig, he go off disability in order to establish whether or not he's able to return to work. If he found that he was not, he could have his benefits turned back on and he'd be no worse off for having tried.

In fact, I would suggest the OP consider adding that information to his dating pitch. You have a manageable disease, that you are actively managing, and nothing about your current situation is current or necessarily defines what your future potential is.
posted by The Straightener at 11:19 AM on January 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

you should probably come to terms with the fact that you aren't likely to attract many highly-educated career-minded women

You say that like it's a bad thing!

I joke! really! But wow, there are lots of wonderful, witty, fun, intelligent, warm, creative women who aren't necessarily highly-educated and/or career-minded. The poster is a photographer, and quite likely to be attracted to someone interested/involved in the arts, I'm guessing... which has a better than average rate of excellent, oddball, off-center types. But there are lots of bright people doing all sorts of things who don't necessarily follow a high-powered career path.

I feel like just getting to meet as many people as you can is the first challenge, since you don't have the office and club/bar pools that a lot of people fish from, so you should get involved in whatever groups that you can that are related to art and photography, and whatever other interests you have.

Mostly, I just want to add a word of encouragement: Someone who already knows and understands their mental health issues, knows how to handle them, is self-aware and in charge of their own well-being? Brilliant. Somebody who definitely isn't going to turn out to be a drunk or a druggie? Fanfuckingtastic. As a woman who was with a partner for many years who had both mental health and addiction problems, I have to say that the only difference between you and a hefty percentage of the guys out there is that you've already faced down your problems and done the hard work... Do you have any idea how much better it would be to be with you than to be with someone who has all of that yet to work out? World of difference.

Please keep this in mind, always. Some women are going to be scared off; you already know that. But you know what? Somebody else is going to say hallelujah! You just need to find her, is all.
posted by taz at 11:51 AM on January 23, 2009

I came in to write the same answer as valkyryn - I think your low standard of living and lack of employment are a much bigger deal breaker off the bat then your well managed mental illness/criminal history.
I had a very good friend who was a completely unstable schizophrenic who was often in and out of institutions, had set fire to things (although was never caught) and attempted suicide multiple times before he finally succeeded. He had no shortage of women who wanted to date him. He had a job (where he met several women he dated) and a bunch of interests (volunteer work, live music, poetry stuff) where he met a lot of other women he dated. If you can get out there and stop talking yourself out of the fact that no one will want to date you - I think you're going to be fine.
posted by Wolfie at 1:19 PM on January 23, 2009

A lot of great advice here. I want to point out something. I think most of us have things that we think make us unattractive.

I have a sensory disorder (it's not autism, but it seems to mimic it). This means almost any sensory input is painful. Lights, sound, touching. The only way we've found to lessen the symptoms is me taking high doses of SSRIs (like Paxil), which makes me empty and emotionless.

So, untouchable or zombie. Great. Who'd want to date that? :|

To answer How would you want to be told?:

I'd say "Some years ago, I had [this problem]. [This] is how I dealt with it then, and [this] is how I've keep from relapsing. I won't lie and say that it won't ever happen again, but I am doing everything in my power to keep that from happening."

I think quite a few women would understand that you aren't perfect and you can't work miracles. You can only do your best. For the right woman, that will be enough.
posted by Zarya at 1:24 PM on January 23, 2009 [2 favorites]

if you function in a way where it is noticeable that you have a mental illness, you should explain it sooner rather than later, so women understand why you act however you do. if you function in a way where it isnt noticeable, you can get to know the person a little first, so they don't pre-judge you. dont leave it too long though. i recommend reading 'the centre cannot hold' - an amazing memoir about a woman with schiz. she shared your concerns and describes her exeriences. its an incredible book.

also- re disability pension, in australia and canada it is a much more livable amount. are we to assume the OP is in the UsA?
posted by beccyjoe at 5:28 PM on January 23, 2009

Can I be blunt?

You could be the nicest, most handsome and most charming guy in the world. I am not dating someone unemployed, no matter what your story is about why, because that to me says "some day he is going to hit me up for money". It also makes it difficult for the relationship to be equal. What are you going to do on a date? I understand no bars (and plenty of women would be fine with that), but dinner and a movie might be challenging. And if she does become interested in you, and, let's say, wants to go to a concert that you can't afford - well, either she pays for you or she goes without you or she doesn't go.

That's where things become difficult for me.

I also feel that not telling someone that you're a convicted felon pretty early on - mental illness or not - would mean that I would walk away and never look back, because what else are you hiding? If a girlfriend came to me and told me about the awesome guy she'd been dating, a little weird, but sweet and nice, but then found out two or three months later that he was in prison, I would tell her GET OUT. not because he had been in prison, but because he didn't tell her.

The schizophrenia is the least of your worries.

You need to put down some roots so you have friends who can vouch for you.
posted by micawber at 6:37 PM on January 23, 2009

I find some of the comments here pretty harsh, perhaps it just means that how someone would react just depends on the person. In my mind, you're doing freelance work, so you're not totally unemployed or directionless, and it sounds like you're coping remarkably well & dealing with yr issues responsibly. I'm currently in a relationship w/ someone who has some mental health issues (tourettes, to be precise) and its easily the best relationship I've ever been in -- as long as you're in enough control of yr life to be emotionally present and supportive, you can be a good partner. Conversely, I've been in horrible relationships with people who weren't diagnosed with mental illness, and weren't capable of the kind of support or emotional connection that relationships entail.

If I were dating you and really liked you -- for long enough to have established that you were trustworthy, but before things started to get serious -- its unlikely I'd get scared off by you telling me about yr past or schizophrenia. Keep in mind that a LOT of people have had experiences with mental illness or even just gone through rough patches, and might be able to sympathize, not just other women with schizophrenia or "disabilities". I suppose how open-minded people are also depends on the crowd you circulate in. I'm in my 20s and hang out mostly with artists, activists, queers and trans folk where dating someone with schizophrenia or any kind of mental illness might be less of a big deal than with, say, "professionals" in their 30s who were conservative or looking to settle down and have kids.

Good luck and I hope this helps! There are a lot of great people in the world and everyone has their own issues and eccentricities; I hope you don't get discouraged if one or two women bail on you.
posted by unicazurn at 12:48 AM on January 24, 2009

I think that you need to pursue friendships with women before you pursue dating them.

There are a few people in my family who fall in various spots on the schizophrenia spectrum and while I might be comfortable dating someone like some of the highly functional ones, I would not at all be comfortable dating someone like the less highly functional ones. And if I heard you were schizophrenic early on in a relationship, I would worry about that future and run in the other direction. That might be shallow and wrong of me, but that's what I'd do, and I suspect what a lot of women would do. Add in permanent disability and convicted felon to the mix, and well...

On the other hand, if I'd known you for months or years as a friend, and saw you as a stable, caring individual, and had come to know about your history as part of a friendship, I might eventually be able to imagine knowing enough about you personally to work around my instincts on dealing with schizophrenics. I'm not saying I necessarily would make that change of mind under those circumstances, but if all I knew of you was a few dates when I found out that information, I wouldn't even try.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:28 PM on January 24, 2009

Yes, roots, a life, friends - especially women. The guys I know seem to believe, and it seems to work, that the best way to prove yourself is to show a gal that you have a healthy set of long-term friendships.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:26 AM on January 25, 2009

Photography can be a good way to meet women, if you're any good. But I do think you should be somewhat more forthcoming with girls you date. Yes no one puts "all of it" on the table right away, but, come on.

Also, get in shape if you're not. It makes a huge difference.
posted by delmoi at 12:39 AM on July 28, 2009