How to marry an Italian and not embarrass one's self in the process

January 19, 2009 8:00 AM

How to have an Italian wedding?

I am an American getting married to my Italian fiance, in his hometown in Italy, this December. We have the legal stuff figured out and are planning to get legally married here in the states a couple weeks before traveling to Italy for the Catholic ceremony and reception.

Weddings are not really my thing, and Italian weddings are a total mystery. I want the wedding to reflect me too, but I am having a hard time figuring out what is and isn't sacred - like will everyone be horrified if I wear a simple dress with no train or veil? There seems to be less variation in Italian weddings than here in the U.S.

All of the resources I've found so far are directed at Americans who are traveling to Italy for a destination wedding and more or less planning an American wedding in Italy. My fiance keeps telling me we can do whatever we want, but I don't want to stray too far outside the lines. I've tried asking our Italian friends, but they have a hard time describing what's different about an Italian wedding, because it's the only thing they know. Oh- also my Italian is not great, so I'm having a hard time finding info online (there MUST be Italian bride blogs, right?).

Can anyone recommend a good book or website that would help me understand what usually goes on at a modern Italian wedding? Even more helpful would be something by an American who's been through this before. [ps. We are getting married outside of Rome, if you have advice about regional traditions.]

posted by jrichards to human relations (13 comments total)

Aren't most Italian weddings at City Hall? I have it in my mind that the religious ceremony is different than the actual legal wedding so if you're just doing the religious thing, I think it's pretty similar to a catholic wedding anywhere. But I'm not Italian nor have I been married in Italy. However I have Italian friends who went back to Italy to get married and they had a very small civil ceremony at the town hall. She wore a simple dress but I have no idea if that's typical.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:15 AM on January 19

Can your fiance put you in touch with his mother/aunts/sisters/cousins/etc.? Framing it as an overture to find out how you can honor and respect their customs you can see what is most important to them and what is more flexible. Granted, I am Italian-American but in discussions with similar friends that I have made over the years, familial customs and what is important vary greatly.
posted by mmascolino at 8:16 AM on January 19

Is there an Italian church near you? Some churches have retained their strong ethnic origins. If you've got that available, go to a few weddings there.

However, most of the traditions will be regional or family specific. You'll be better served by connecting with his favorite aunt or sister.
posted by 26.2 at 8:53 AM on January 19

Who are you worried about horrifying? Ask them.
posted by Gor-ella at 8:59 AM on January 19

Also - Traditional Italian Wedding

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posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:30 AM on January 19

My fiance keeps telling me we can do whatever we want

Listen to your fiance. As someone who's in pretty much the same situation, at the end of the day it's your wedding. Anyone who wants to be shocked/horrified at your lack of veil or whatever can shove it.

Then again, I've got a bit of Wedding Planning Traumatic Shock Syndrome... ;)

I can't speak as to the church part as we won't be doing that...

One thing that's stuck out for me was that the concept of bridemaids & grooms seems to be a rather alien or uncommon idea from what I've been able to discern. The bride & groom each have a testimone, who typically get (and receive in return) the couple a rather important gift.

Other things that stick out are the candy covered almonds (confetti) along with the bonboniere (favors) and the massive amounts of food & wine.

As to Italian bride blogs or websites, have you tried Googling "matrimonio" on Google.it? If your Italian is so-so I don't know how useful that would be, but there's a crapload of hits. You might also try posting on the Expat in Italy forums. MeMail me as well, if you'd like; it's dinner time so this is a bit of a seat-of-my-pants answer.

In any case auguri!
posted by romakimmy at 10:48 AM on January 19

I assume there's a Little Italy or such in Philadelphia. Go to a bridal shop there and talk to the salespeople while you try on dresses.

From Italian weddings I've been to, you'll need the wedding soup, the white candy-covered almonds, and bomboniere. If you google bomboniere Philadelphia, you can find places that sell appropriate things and can probably also give you more info about Italian weddings. I just googled it myself and found this, which might be of use.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:01 AM on January 19

I assume there's a Little Italy or such in Philadelphia. Go to a bridal shop there and talk to the salespeople while you try on dresses.

My sister lived in Italy for years. Italian-American ≠ Italian.
posted by Pax at 11:27 AM on January 19

My sister lived in Italy for years. Italian-American ≠ Italian.

Well no, but presumably the fiance is Italian American. And if Italian Americans are anything like Italian-Canadians they have family in Italy, they've been to Italy, they've had Italian relatives come to their own weddings or those of family members, they read (and google) Italian better than non-Italian-Americans, etc. etc.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 12:38 PM on January 19

I completely get where the OP is coming from. And the fiance saying "do what you want" is not really helpful, because he may not care what you wear, and might not even notice. And maybe if you asked the mother-in-law or sister-in-law, they would tell you to do whatever you wanted because it is your wedding and maybe they'd see it as rude if they were to dictate what kind of veil to wear. Meanwhile they'd be talking about you behind your back at the reception -- this is your fear, right?

I'm not Italian and have no Italian ties whatsoever. But what about trying to find a wedding planner in Italy (do they have such things? I suspect the wedding industry might not be so huge there) who has experience with the Americans-in-Italy weddings. They would be familiar with both American- and Italian-style weddings, and would speak English.

Or try to find Italian women in the US. Maybe through Meetup? Or the Italian embassy/consulate, even. Ask them their opinions on American weddings, the differences, etc. I don't know how much effort you want to put into this, but just try e-mailing various people. If they have time, they'll respond (I think a lot of people would probably like thinking about this and helping you), and if not, they won't.

I also would keep in mind the class differences. Just like in the US (and maybe more so), there will be differences in "good taste" depending on one's social class/economic background. One woman loves a rhinestone-studded ballgown and one wants an austere cream satin shift. If you do find a good person to help you, try to keep in mind whether they are around the same social class as your husband and his family.

Good luck and congratulations!
posted by thebazilist at 12:56 PM on January 19 [1 favorite]

Thank you, thebazilist and romakimmy: your advice is right on. I can find plenty of info about "traditional Italian weddings," but very little info about modern Italian weddings - especially since I don't speak Italian. My fiance is real-deal Italian, not Italian-American. He's being great about having a wedding that reflects both our traditions and personalities, but I'd like to do so without sticking out like a sore thumb.
posted by jrichards at 1:26 PM on January 19

Don't be too worried about making cringe-inducing faux-passes, you're going to be "the american bride", so pretty much everything which can be culturally dissonant from what is the norm (if, again, there is any) here, can be easily accounted to your being a foreigner.

By googling "organizzare un matrimonio"; this (italian) book called "I get married tomorrow: how to organise the perfect wedding without losing your mind" turned out, and might be what you're looking for.

Auguri!
posted by _dario at 3:42 PM on January 19

I suspect the wedding industry might not be so huge there

No, the wedding industry here is just as aggressive/large as the US. I've grown to hate both :D

Wedding websites I've looked at depended on what I was looking for at the time; the big ones that I remember checking out off the top of my head:

-Matrimonio.it
-NozzeItalia
-Style.it Wedding section

Those are fairly tolerable websites (in other words, they have fresh information and don't look like a website from the early 90's) to use as a starting point. Other useful keywords to google would be "nozze" or "sposarsi". As well, I found this book on Google amongst my bookmarks which might or might not prove useful.

As to "sacred", that can depend on where you are getting married. For example in Southern Italy, the big huge, invite the 4th & 5th cousins twice removed that you've never met, 13 course meals lasting all day/night type shindigs seem to be more common.

Another factor for "sacred" would be just how seriously his family take the idea of fare una bella figura. If they are rather formal & traditional, I'd beg the females of his family for a guiding hand.

If they are pretty easy going, then you're home free and can relax; in either case, as Dario said upthread, any differences will be chalked up to you being a foreigner.

I'd say a universal "sacred" would be the food & wine and maybe the bonboniere. When we were contemplating Italy as a location and tallying up the costs, my fiance mentioned the bonboniere. The conversation went something like this:

"What, those silly little tchockies or figurines that you get for attending a baptism or communion and usually end up sitting on a shelf accumulating dust? Are you freaking kidding me?"
"Yeah those. And no, not kidding."
*I roll my eyes so hard I get a headache*

The confetti are attached to the bonboniere and always an odd number - even is bad luck. I think the bonboniere for immediate family are slightly more ornate.

I am a recovering Catholic: I grew up Catholic, but neither I nor my fiance are religious. I think for a church ceremony here a veil and, if your dress has bare shoulders, a shoulder covering is usually appropriate.

The former I think is more a good luck thing, and the latter is a combo of practicality (December wedding) and church etiquette (here in Italy it's general bad form to enter a church with bare shoulders or knees: Vatican bars tourists who aren't appropriately attired from entering St. Peter's).

You could always go with a pashima shawl that matches your dress and use it as a head-covering-inside-the-church type deal. I'd ask your fiance's family and/or the priest who will be conducting the ceremony if possible.

All in all, I'd relax and enjoy the day. A "modern" Italian wedding doesn't seem to be that different from a US one, in the fact that the couple decides what's important to them and what can be chucked out the window.

I almost forgot - don't be surprised if everyone is waiting for your arrival outside the church. Then again, seeing as you're getting married in December, maybe not.
posted by romakimmy at 4:41 AM on January 20