Convince me that I can go on, I can get work, not to kill myself, etc.. Not sure how serious I am, but seriously personal emotional fucked up stuff within so don't go on unless you are prepared for irrationality.
To anyone who may be paying attention to my history here, a while back I had to go through a serious amount of painful surgeries during which I had all of my teeth extracted. During that time, I became addicted to painkillers, it was a quick jump to heroin at that point. The fact of the matter is, my heroin habit is/was small, but I was shooting up (as well as smoking and snorting), and lost my job because I overdosed at work.
I started abusing because while I was dealing with my loss-of-teeth I was literally living my recurring childhood nightmare, I felt utterly humiliated, lost, alone, depressed, and uncared for. The painkillers I was taking made me feel like I had never felt before, like everything was okay. It was easy at that point to simply make the jump to heroin, which was cheap and easy to procure for me. My habit wasn't serious, but was a habit and I was willfully physically addicted. I lost my job because I used at work, passed out in the bathroom, and was discovered by co-workers and didn't wake up until after the paramedics had been called. I blame no one for this but myself, and do not blame my work for firing me. My work was graceful enough to make it clear that I can return, with time, to work. I worked there for over a year and gained enough capital as a worker and a person and they know I was going through a lot of pain and problems at that time. I cannot speak of how grateful I am to them for offering me the grace of returning to my job with time..
But now I am in a place where I have no routine, no discipline, and no income. In a time when what I need the most is routine, discipline, and most importantly income. I have roommates whom I have pissed off with my habit (they learned of it around the time I OD'd and I narrowly avoided getting kicked out only through a tearful and painful intervention) and I have no income or means of paying my rent until I can get my job back. I have no prospects for jobs, and cannot even think of why anyone SHOULD hire me with my history at the moment. All I can think to do is contact my previous employer and plead with them what I have said here, that right now I so badly need routine and income that without it I am much more likely to relapse then without it.. because honestly unless I can get an income soon I'll end up sleeping on the street.
My habit was .1-.3 grams a day of black tar heroin of varying degrees strength, and I feel that for the most part aside from some lingering insomnia and diarrhea that the physical symptoms of my addiction are over.. of course I still think of it, but I know now that it is simply something I cannot do anymore. I've cut substances out of my life before, having stopped drinking alcohol over a year ago after I realized it had become a destructive force in my life. My resolve is strong, and I honestly have no desire to let heroin take over my life like it had. But I am in such a deep, dark, emotional depression right now that I cannot stop my irrational thoughts that I am of no use to the world. I feel like I am unemployable and a strain to everyone I encounter, and that suicide seems like a logical (if far fetched, as I am a coward) option. The very fact that I used heroin as I did though does indicate that I have little care for my life.
It was very easy for me to use and hide my use because most all of my friends are fairly hard drinkers, out every night getting drunk as people in their 20's tend to do. I stopped drinking a long time ago but was able to maintain my quiet habit because all I would have to do is retire for a moment and come back feeling perfectly okay and all my drunk friends were none the wiser.
I've attended a few NA meetings, but cannot honestly follow the program because of its quasi-religious nature and feel the participants a bit too intense for me. I like the idea of it, a place where people can talk openly and anonymously about their problems and why they had them so that they can face them.. but I'm sure that I don't have to explain here why the "higher power" issue is a sticking point.
I'm trying to just "get a hobby" as it were, I am going to be joining a knitting circle so I can make myself a Doctor Who scarf
, but more then just occupying my time I need to feel like I have a use in this world. I tie so much of my self worth to the fact that I work, that someone has found me useful enough to pay me for my work. And right now I feel myself unemployable and thusly useless. I cannot shake this feeling, and this more then anything else leaves me suicidal. I don't like using that word, because I don't think I honestly have the guts to kill myself.. but I have proven that I do have the guts to shoot up dangerous amounts of drugs, so I cannot underestimate my own ability for self harm.
I guess I don't even know what I am asking. I am just reaching out for some sort of advice, some sort of knowledge that I am not alone and not completely useless to this world. I have spent the last week alone in my room, with nothing but my DT sickness and thoughts to dwell on and I am in a seriously self hating mood. I don't want to use again, but I need to feel needed. I need routine, I need work, I need income, I need not to lose my room. I don't know what to do, feel desperately alone, and have spent the better part of the last four days crying in my room so scared that I'll piss someone off by even leaving it that I have countless jars of piss around me. These are signs of a serious emotional breakdown, I'm sure.. but I am a poor, unemployed, uninsurance-less person, traditional treatment for emotional breakdowns is not an option for me. And I am so full of shame for the fact that I let myself develop this problem that I cannot bring myself to talk to my friends about it, especially since most of them have chemical dependence issues of their own.. be it alcohol, cigarettes, pills, or whatever.. I just let mine become the darkest of them all..
I don't even know if I should post this. And in fact, will probably regret it and wish I hadn't within moments of doing it. I will probably ask for it to to be deleted later, but right now I am reaching out for advice, or help, or just some voice to tell me that everything is not over for me and that my life does have further use to the world. Please help.