[relationship filter] Boyfriend is just not that into me... right?

January 16, 2009 12:25 PM

Started dating a guy I've known for years a couple months ago. Around the time we first met we slept together, but he shortly thereafter got back together with his long-time girlfriend. Fast-forward a couple years, they've broken up for good, and he says he still has feelings for me and wants to give things a real shot.

We're both in our mid-twenties and very interested in sex, but aren't sleeping together. We have similar interests, but rarely talk about them. I love his friends who love me, and of late have been spending more time with them than him. He's under a great deal more job stress than I am, but whenever we do spend time together he's cold to me, physically and conversationally. On the surface we're perfectly compatible... is it hopeless to think that he'll warm to me when he's less stressed out? He's pretty stoic and I'm pretty emotional, so this might be doomed, but I don't want to give up on something that might work out from pure impatience.

Am I making this too complicated? Don't men typically not ask girls out in the first place if they're not that interested in getting to know them better or spend more time with them? Is there anything I can do to let him know that I'm getting sick of being neglected without putting him on the defensive?

posted by libertypie to human relations (26 comments total)

Am I making this too complicated?

Yes. Just enjoy your life!
posted by plexi at 12:39 PM on January 16

Don't men typically not ask girls out in the first place if they're not that interested in getting to know them better or spend more time with them?

This is difficult to understand. What I mean is, stop worrying and just go out and live life and enjoy his company.
posted by plexi at 12:41 PM on January 16

Am I making this too complicated?

You are. It seems to boil down to the fact that you're dating a guy you don't enjoy spending time with. My main suggestion is to dump him fully and completely before you start dating one of his friends. I'd suggest doing so now, so that you can get a head start on them thinking of you as single.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:42 PM on January 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

Negative point 1: He's cold to you when you're together. Not good start for rekindling a relationship, as it's during this initial phase that he should be wooing you, sweeping you off your feet, as it were.

Negative point 2: You're worried about putting him on the defensive if you tell him to stop neglecting you. Relationships are *about* communication - if you can't tell him something so important, this is also not a good thing.

Negative point 3: He dumped you previously. This happens, sure, but what was the breakup like? Was he thoughtful and considerate of your feelings? Or did he just end it so he could be with his ex? This can give you an insight on his capacity to be considerate.

Positive point 1: You're perfectly compatible "on the surface." Not sure what this means exactly, but it sounds kind of like a trophy relationship - something that looks good but is meaningless.

Positive point 2: He says he has feelings for you. Again, not sure what this means, as it sounds like he's not acting on those feelings, but is, instead, trying to push you away.

On balance it doesn't look good. Sounds like he's just been lonely and thought it would be convenient if he could be in a a pretend relationship with one of his previous flames. I'd suggest that you risk his defensiveness in order to tell him how you're feeling. If he doesn't respond well, that's probably a good indicator of how it's going to be.
posted by jasper411 at 12:43 PM on January 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

From my experience, "on the surface we're perfectly compatible" is a hallmark of overthinking and rationalizing. "On paper" relationships have a way of contravening expectations. Follow your chemistry (with open eyes).

Also, not wanting to enter into a relationship without knowing where it will go is a form of self-sabotage. As they say, "the perfect is the enemy of the good."

Lastly, "Don't men typically not ask girls out in the first place if they're not that interested in getting to know them better or spend more time with them?" is some real multiple-negative pretzel logic.
posted by rhizome at 12:44 PM on January 16 [5 favorites has favorites]

he used you as a rebound, gives lips service to liking you, and is cold. you like his friends more than him and you're a firecracker. why does it matter if he's interested in you? it should take more than that for you to be interested in him. if you're already feeling neglected before you're even together, what would you gain by dating him?
posted by nadawi at 12:45 PM on January 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

As to how you can do it without putting him on the defensive, make sure you're talking about how you feel and not what he does.

Bad: When we spend three hours together and you don't even hug me, you make me feel pushed away.

Good: When we spend three hours together and we don't even hug, I feel pushed away.

If you're not getting what you want out of a dating relationship, the best thing you can do is talk to your partner. Even if you think you've made it obvious, have the conversation anyway.

People with different personality types (e.g. emotional and stoic) can do just fine in a romantic relationship so long as each person is willing to do what is necessary to make the other person feel loved and cherished. Give your partner the chance to do those things by telling him what they are.

If you have the talk and he's unwilling or unable to meet your (reasonable) needs, then the best thing is to end the relationship amicably.
posted by DWRoelands at 12:47 PM on January 16

So what DO you do? You're not sleeping together, you share interests but don't talk about them (and presumably don't do them together) and you're spending more time with his friends than with him.

He said he still has feelings for you...but he's sure not showing them. I'd tell him he needs to step it up or you're going to cut your losses. Relationships aren't supposed to be this confusing.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 12:48 PM on January 16

@ rhizome/plexi: Forgive my grammar, but despite the phrasing I suppose it seems unlikely to me that anyone would ask a girl out if they weren't interested in them. Mmm, simplicity.

@jasper411: I didn't mean surface literally, but that we have similar interests, professional goals, hobbies, and friends. Emotionally... not so similar.

@ThePinkSuperhero: I'm not sure how you interpreted my statement that way, but I'm not interested in dating any of his friends, and I do enjoy spending time with him. I'm just not sure I want to spend too much time in a relationship with someone who doesn't appear to enjoy spending time with me.
posted by libertypie at 12:49 PM on January 16

how long between the break up for good and you guys getting back together?
posted by nadawi at 12:54 PM on January 16

Similar interests, professional goals, hobbies, and friends sounds promising. Emotionally different, though?

Sometimes that can be a good thing, as each person brings a different way of perceiving/acting to the relationship. For it to work, though, you have to be comforable A) that he loves you (so you can calm your anxiety about feeling unloved when he's just being stoic) and B) you've got to be able to communicate with each other to bridge the emotional divide (You: "When you didn't hug me back, I felt bad" Him: "Oh, I was just thinking about how amazingl the quadratic equation is. What's that bad feeling about?")
posted by jasper411 at 12:56 PM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

He's using you as an auxiliary girlfriend.
He's already slept with you. He knows you have a history. He knows you have feelings for him.

RUN AWAY!

If he treated you like crap before and jerked you around, he will do it again. And you want a partner who can care for you emotionally anyway so I think there's someone much more compatible out there for you.

I've been in this situation, am also fairly emotional/nostalgic/sensitive and the only way I was able to get through it was to cut the person out of my life completely because though we had fun together and got on well, he was a psychic vampire and a total drain on my energy.

Your time is worth more - go find someone worthy of you!
posted by HolyWood at 12:56 PM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Is there anything I can do to let him know that I'm getting sick of being neglected without putting him on the defensive?

This may sound obvious, but you could explain to him that you're sicko f being neglected and point out specific instances where you see ithappening and explaining how you'd like to see it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:56 PM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

@nadawi: A few months I think. Possibly I have been incredibly foolish and this merely a second rebound for him, but it wasn't his only long-term relationship or his most serious.
posted by libertypie at 12:58 PM on January 16

if he breaks up with a girl and finds you, then breaks up with the same girl and finds you again, you're just the girl that waits in the wings for him, the girl that will excuse his bad behavior because he's "going through a rough patch". you seem to fit into that roll quite well. i guess you just have to ask yourself if that's enough.

relationship filter has taught me a very important lesson over the years on metafilter - you aren't going to change the way that your partner gives or receives love. you are only going to change your perception of those things.
posted by nadawi at 1:05 PM on January 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

What nadawi said, a hundred times. In his eyes, you are the comfortable backup who will get back together with him whenever he wants until he finds someone better. Run like hell.
posted by Etrigan at 1:27 PM on January 16

Um well before you run for the hills maybe you could consider talking to him about this?

This could be the kind of thing that could be cleared up by you asking:
"Hey, I'm feeling weird about this relationship--if you like me like you say you do, why don't we do it or hang out more?" If that doesn't help by all means strap on the scootboots.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:34 PM on January 16

I think the reason you're hesitating to tell him that you feel neglected is because you know what will really happen. What you wish would happen (and what we all, in these type of bogus relationships, wish would happen) is that you'll say "I feel neglected" and he'll go "OMG, I didn't realize, OMG [cuddle], I've been such a jerk, from now on I'll be 100% sure to let you know how much I deeply, deeply care for you." You know that's not going to happen. Guys don't usually go from not giving a shit/treating you badly to "realizing it was you they loved all along." This is not SATC or some paperpack with a pair of high-heeled legs on the cover.

Among my friends, we try to be a little more brutal/frank for our own sakes: instead of the sugar-coated "he's just not that into you," we like to tell each other "he basically hates you." The benefit of looking at it this way, for us, is that it would behoove you to behave as if he did in fact hate you: Move on. Stop trying to change how he acts/feels about you. Stop over-analyzing. Stop wishing for the impossible. Stop sacrificing your happiness. Stop putting your life on hold for an asshole. If you keep trying to convince yourself that there's hope, there's a possibility, things will turn around, etc, you will be wasting your time.

Now, after moving on with your life, he might realize what he's lost and come back to you full force as the perfect boyfriend. But if you don't move on with your life and you stay in this situation, things definitely won't change.
posted by thebazilist at 1:46 PM on January 16 [8 favorites has favorites]

whenever we do spend time together he's cold to me, physically and conversationally.

Generally, the important interests to share are

1. boinking
2. talking to each other, and
3. hugging
posted by sondrialiac at 1:54 PM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

You're both into sex. Have it. With him.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:38 PM on January 16

You say something like: "You know, you keep asking me out, but I don't feel like you're really interested in me. "

Then see what happens.

If nothing gets better, then you can say: "You know, I like dating guys that seem really interested in me. You're not like that, so I don't want to date you anymore. "

I like addressing whatever it is that seems awry. But once you've talked about something and there is no change, that's it. However, more and more I seem to be skipping the first part of that process!
posted by Locochona at 3:49 PM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Your relationship is built on the hope that things will get better in the future, and a vision of how good things "could be." By walking away, you feel like you're sacrificing these amazing possibilities - so you end up putting up with an unsatisfying situation indefinitely while waiting for him to get his shit together. But honestly, if he was capable of giving you this amazing relationship right now, he would have done it already.

I think maybe you're afraid of bringing it up with him because you know that he, being less emotionally involved than you are, holds the trump card: "Well, if you're not happy, why don't we just end this right now?" You really have to be ready to walk away if he tries to call your bluff. In short, there are three possible scenarios here:

1. He transforms into your dream man, or at least gives it a good try;
2. You break up;
3. You both maintain the status quo, since he knows he can get away with it and you can't bring yourself to give up.

Scenario #1 is the least likely, but the *only* way to bring it about is to accept that Scenario #2 is preferable to #3, and be ready to enforce it. You really have better things to do with your time than wait around for his grumpy ass. Trust me, you'll be amazed at how peaceful mental state will be without him.
posted by granted at 3:55 PM on January 16

Life is too short to be with the wrong partner.

His friends may love you, but he's cold and unloving? Move along then.
posted by 26.2 at 5:37 PM on January 16

You don't seem to be getting anything out of this other than getting to hang out with his nice friends. Let it go and get to know them better.
posted by orange swan at 8:57 PM on January 16

It's just stupid to try to figure this out without talking frankly to him. Who cares if he gets defensive, is that somehow worse than the ongoing passive-aggressive cold shoulder? "We need to talk. Lately it doesn't seem like you really enjoy spending time with me and I know I am not enjoying spending time with you because of that. Are you still interested in this relationship?" It's not rocket science, the internet doesn't know what your boyfriend is thinking.
posted by nanojath at 11:09 PM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I just don't understand why anyone would want to date someone who was cold to them. That's unpleasant... like standing in line at the D.M.V. Why do it if you don't have to?
posted by taz at 12:34 PM on January 17 [1 favorite has favorites]