Taking a "break".

January 16, 2009 7:22 AM

[relationship filter] How to manage a "break"/"open relationship"?

I met my girlfriend during senior year in college (fall of '07) while she was a sophomore. For both of us, it was our first serious relationship--I was a virgin before we met, and she had only been with a few guys before (but never in any sort of established relationship). After I graduated, she spent the summer in my home city (summer '08, in a separate apartment)--it was great, we spent nearly every evening together after working our separate jobs, and spent the weekends showing her around my hometown.

At the end of the summer, we decided we would try out a long-distance arrangement, as I was entering law school in a town about 1000 miles away from my alma mater where she would still be a junior. We managed to see each other about every 5 weeks after august of this past year. It was obviously frustrating at times since we remained exclusive, but we both felt committed enough to want to keep our relationship going. For me, this arrangement was great, as I had little time away from the books and didn't need the distraction of being single and on the prowl.

We spent last week together in her hometown, and decided at the end to take "a break". She's going abroad to europe, while I'll be in my second semester of law school. At this point, neither of us is prepared to get married, but we've also sort of hit a brick wall as far as commitment. Everything about our relationship works great--we've never had a fight in our 13 months together, we have great chemistry, same values, enjoy each other's families--we very easily could be a happily married couple one day. The only problem is our geographic separation for the next few years (unless i transfer law schools for next fall) and the fact that she's still in college, while I'm buckling down in law school.

I want her to have a full experience abroad without feeling tied down. She knows that I've had some minor issues with the (small) discrepancy in our previous sexual partners--my 0 to her 2 or 3. We mutually agreed on taking this break--we both came into the conversation with simmilar ideas--but both are uncomfortable with its implications despite the fact that we both feel its what's best for now. Given our relative inexperience in relationships, our age and our respective places in life, neither of us feels ready for marriage. We both agree that we need this space as an opportunity to figure out what it is we want moving forward.

Are we making the right decision here in giving each other some space given our circumstances? We both are very much still in love with each other, but feel unable to move forward. We both intend on keeping in close communication while she's abroad, but will operate under a "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding whatever we're doing outside of our relationship. We can see each other at the end of may at the earliest if we intend to keep things going, but will not likely be able to spend the summer together (I'll likely be working again in my home city, she's understandably reluctant to return for a second summer in my city wanting to be back in her own). After that, I can try transferring in the fall to my undergrad alma mater's law school, but this is in no way a for sure option.

can we make this work?

posted by anonymous to human relations (17 comments total)

I'm afraid I can't say for certain what WILL happen, because no one can.

But I think it sounds like the two of you are remarkably self-aware, honest with each other, honest with YOURSELVES, willing to communicate, realistic, and wise -- and all those things would make it easier for me to be willing to bet on your success.

If that helps....there it is.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:37 AM on January 16 [2 favorites]

The answer to your question is maybe. You're not just being separated by distance, but also time and some pretty formative experiences. How this is going to affect the two of you individually and in your relationship is pretty hard to predict.

You could pledge to be monogamous but grow apart, at which point you could resent that you weren't single all along, or chalk it up to "better than to have loved and lost." If you see other people, you'll have to manage those relationships fairly in light of this emotional commitment to a long-distance relationship. Which is a relationship that may also be shifting.

The health of your emotional relationship can be managed to some extent by the two of you being honest with yourselves and committing to wanting what is happiest for the other person. Close communication because you love communicating is good, but communicating very regularly to prove yourself that you're still committed or as a replacement for IRL -- that way lies madness, in my opinion. You're both relatively inexperienced, though, so you may learn along the way that your propensities for jealousy are different than what you expected, in one direction or the other. (The only red flag I get from your post, really, is your discussion of the discrepancy in sexual experience. I know that 2 or 3 partners feels like a LOT more than 1, but it's really not. It's the sort of thing that can be a big distraction to the deeper issues in long-distance relationships, though, so be careful.)

You sound like you've reached this decision together, and for very rational reasons, and that you're being much more thoughtful than most, so you're already off to a good start. At the end of the time apart, it'll come down to whether you two still like each other best.
posted by desuetude at 7:55 AM on January 16

From my similar experience, I find this quote to hold a lot of truth....

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours; if they don't, they never were. - Richard Bach

We're still together.
posted by chillmost at 8:04 AM on January 16

It sounds like you've got a good plan, and I think you can make it work - which is all anyone can ask for; people in far more ideal circumstances find they can't make things work.

The one thing that catches my eye is this:

not likely be able to spend the summer together (I'll likely be working again in my home city, she's understandably reluctant to return for a second summer in my city wanting to be back in her own)

Do you have to work in your home city? Is this a critical, will-lead-to-crucial-career-experience law-related job? Because it looks like things are at least somewhat optional on both ends for summer living, and given how much time you'll be spending apart, I'd think you'd both be willing to shift heaven and earth to spend time together for a few months.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:08 AM on January 16 [1 favorite]

It sounds to me like you both deserve and would appreciate a break that allows the freedom to explore, learn, and work without the pressure of serious and committed relationship. You don't seem to have worked out a definite time in the future when you both would and could be together, a factor that can sometimes exacerbate a relationship already strained by distance.

It might be helpful to know if one of you instigated the talk about taking a break. You seem willing to offer her the opportunity to have more freedom while she's traveling, yet haven't always wanted or done this in the past while she was away at college (at least from what you say here). So, I wonder if this concern for her full experience is new for some reason, or if it could be a reaction to a request made by her.

I also find it peculiar that she wouldn't want to stay with you during the summer given the fairly positive way you describe the way you feel about one another. In my experience, people in love who have been apart for a long time cannot wait to see each other and hate for it to end if they have to live apart again. I guess I sense that one of you might want this break more than, if not as much as, the other (while still caring for one another of course). Take a break, have fun, write post cards and see how you feel about each other later on after some new and exciting adventures.
posted by inconsequentialist at 8:14 AM on January 16

This could work but I worry that one of you wants the break and the freedom to be with other people more than the other. If that's so, you could find yourself dealing with some jealousy issues. Although it might seem like a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about your other involvements will spare you the jealousy issues, I have found the opposite to be true - when I was involved with a man who did not tell me about the other women in his life, I just felt more jealous and suspicious. I still knew he was seeing other women even though he wouldn't admit to it, and it became like an elephant in the room. If had been willing to talk honestly about it I think it would have been less of an issue, actually.

To me it seems like there is a big difference between taking and break and having an open relationship. In the first one, you remain as friends but get on with your separate lives, knowing the option to get back together exists in the future. In an open relationship, you would maintain a committment to each other in the present. So think about which of those you really want.
posted by mai at 9:05 AM on January 16

Anecdotally, I had almost this exact same conversation with a girlfriend last year. The time line was somewhat different, dating for ~8mos and facing a 6mo geographic separation. We mutually agreed to much the same terms, don't ask don't tell, keep in close contact with the expectation to revisit the situation and get back together(?) once reunited. Turns out that I was much more committed to the reuniting aspect and she was much more interested in the don't ask don't tell part. She met someone else while away and I had no idea for several months and ended up feeling pretty betrayed after receiving a tepid welcome at the eventual reunion and still not finding out about the other guy for several more weeks.

Not to say that that is what will happen to your relationship, but from reading your post it sounds like you are the one committed to the "reunion" angle just like I was. Be sure that she is on the same page, and realize that you will be in virtual lockdown at law school...and she is still in college and out of the country. Don't set yourself up for failure with unrealistic expectations.
posted by T.D. Strange at 10:35 AM on January 16

I want her to have a full experience abroad without feeling tied down. She knows that I've had some minor issues with the (small) discrepancy in our previous sexual partners--my 0 to her 2 or 3. We mutually agreed on taking this break--we both came into the conversation with simmilar ideas--but both are uncomfortable with its implications despite the fact that we both feel its what's best for now.

It sounds to me like there's too much head in these discussions, not enough heart. And the fact that you're the one with the issues about the number of sexual partners you've had makes me doubt whether you're truly being as magnanimous about this as you'd like us and her to believe. If she feels that schtupping other guys is a requisite part of the "full experience abroad", then this needs to be her decision, and one she's truly comfortable with. If you both feel uneasy about opening the relationship up, it means you're either not completely secure in the relationship (fearing it might end) or in the idea of introducing other people to it (fearing jealousy, etc.)

Because neither of you sound really fully comfortable with the arrangement the two of you are so diplomatically discussing, my advice would be an all or nothing approach. You should either continue and be monogamous and break up. You say this: We both intend on keeping in close communication while she's abroad, but will operate under a "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding whatever we're doing outside of our relationship. Well, that sounds nice in theory, but I guarantee that it's going to be much more awkward and painful for her and for you if you're talking regularly, don't feel totally secure, and are interacting sexually with others. It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. If she really wants her study abroad experience to include dating and hooking up with others, continuing the relationship half-heartedly is just going to be a drag on her. If considering that future--one without her--seems totally impossible and crushing to you, if your life will be better with her in it (even if she's far away) then without, then you should just soldier on, long distance and committed to one another.

We both are very much still in love with each other, but feel unable to move forward.

I really do think you're over-thinking this, though, considering the fact that she's--what, 20, 21? And you might be all of 23? Not to diss any Mefites that got married young, but you guys will be changing significantly over the next few years and it seems very hasty, to me, to be talking marriage and the future when she's not even out of college. Take things one day at a time. Is your relationship good and fulfilling right now? Yes? Then stay with her based on that, not based on what any hazy future when you'll both be very, very different people, might bring.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:37 AM on January 16 [3 favorites]

Continue and be monogamous or break up, rather.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:38 AM on January 16 [1 favorite]

At your age, allowing each other the freedom to experience the world without being shackled by commitment sounds smart and you sound prepared to go forward without guarantees. Nobody here has the wisdom to save you from loss. No amount of self examination or planning can protect you from loss. It's just a part of life...and part of growing up.

Treasure the time you have together now and you'll feel better no matter how it works out.
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:40 AM on January 16

...and speaking from experience, don't expect too many postcards.
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:43 AM on January 16

As long as you both exercise complete discretion you should both be fine.

You can still be a couple and have your flings much easier that way.

If you are soulmates, and you are both evolved enough to not be jealous, possessive or needy (that "Oh I can't live without you" crap) , you will find that the two of you will be enjoying each other for a long long time.
posted by Zambrano at 10:44 AM on January 16

I think this is all pretty reasonable, but you need to officially 'break up', call yourselves exes (or exes that you're friends with), and be formal about it. "We're still attached but we'll see other people" is a weird limbo stage that isn't fair to anyone. Assuming you don't want to do polyamory, what happens when one of you gets serious with a transitional person? You do need to bite that bullet, unpleasant though it is since you are breaking up due to location rather than lack of feelings.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:24 AM on January 16 [2 favorites]

Yeah, break up. It sounds like you are growing in different directions. You may still care for each other but if the "love" was there and you were both committed to a future together, you wouldn't be going through this.

Move on, move on because both of you are already doing it.

Biggest indicator - you are uncomfortable with the idea of an open relationship. It may be fear of the unknown but ask yourself honestly if you can be with her knowing that she has been in some other dude's bed. If you can do it without being angry, jealous, guilty or just plain crappy about it (and if she can do the same), maybe you can handle the open thing.

But in my experience, it's just prolonging the inevitable break up.
posted by HolyWood at 1:16 PM on January 16 [1 favorite]

can we make this work?

Yes, but only if you're willing to consider it an amicable break up with a commitment to trying again in a few years if neither of you connects with someone else in the meantime.

Everything about our relationship works great--we've never had a fight in our 13 months together,

May I suggest that you use the time to learn how to fight with a loved one? It is one of the most important relationship skills you'll ever have.
posted by tkolar at 1:19 PM on January 16 [3 favorites]

May I suggest that you use the time to learn how to fight with a loved one? It is one of the most important relationship skills you'll ever have.

Mostly I wanted to chime in again about this, because I think tkolar nailed one of the most troubling things about your post, which I forgot to address the first time around. Not fighting at all isn't necessarily a relationship strength--it suggests either that someone isn't engaged or that you guys aren't totally communicating your needs with one another (any sane people, no matter how much they love each other, will sometimes disagree).
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:38 PM on January 16 [1 favorite]

Seconding tkolar. The arrangement you described is an amicable break-up in all but name. It is much better to be clear at the beginning to head off any jealousy or bitterness later. Don't over estimate your mutual ability to communicate during this break period. Your formula of combining secrets and intimacy doesn't exist, nor does the combination of disengagement and commitment. Such complex arrangement requires more, not less communication; which you are not planning for.

Let her go, and trust the universe will bring you two together again in better circumstances. That's all you can hope for right now. Worthwhile relationships are very involving, and even then, they often don't work out. The chance of such lazzei-faire, low commitment instance working out is bordering on fairy tale.
posted by curiousZ at 6:36 PM on January 16 [1 favorite]