Are my skinny guy standards too high?
January 13, 2009 8:52 PM Subscribe
When I say that Im skinny I mean it. I'm 6'6" and 170 lbs. I don't actively go to the gym, I am pretty much a vegetarian though (rarely eat meat). Now Ive never had a long term girlfriend (over 2 months). The thing is I tend not to go for girls who are larger than I am. Ive tried dating girls who are bigger than me, but it always seems awkward. Does this make me shallow? Impractical maybe?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
Judging people's worth by their looks is shallow. Wanting to date people you're attracted to isn't shallow; it's practical.
posted by frobozz at 9:00 PM on January 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by frobozz at 9:00 PM on January 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: It feels awkward in the way that in my experience I generally don't see skinny guys with bigger women. It as if someone really tall was dating someone much shorter (another problem which I encounter hah)
posted by Groovytimes at 9:06 PM on January 13, 2009
posted by Groovytimes at 9:06 PM on January 13, 2009
Mind you, I like 'em curvy.
I don't think it makes you shallow. You have a type you like, and not a lot is going to change that. But, given how thin you are yourself, it will definitely make it more difficult to find folks in the first place.
The other issue is that the girls you meet might very well be unhealthily thin. It's my understanding that women require (not just typically have) a higher body body fat ratio than men do. Since you've defined "thin girl" not in relation to the "norm", but in relation to your own incredible thinness, I'd be worried about the mental and physical health of your potential partners. Basically, I don't know that a girl can keep up with you.
posted by Netzapper at 9:06 PM on January 13, 2009 [8 favorites]
I don't think it makes you shallow. You have a type you like, and not a lot is going to change that. But, given how thin you are yourself, it will definitely make it more difficult to find folks in the first place.
The other issue is that the girls you meet might very well be unhealthily thin. It's my understanding that women require (not just typically have) a higher body body fat ratio than men do. Since you've defined "thin girl" not in relation to the "norm", but in relation to your own incredible thinness, I'd be worried about the mental and physical health of your potential partners. Basically, I don't know that a girl can keep up with you.
posted by Netzapper at 9:06 PM on January 13, 2009 [8 favorites]
I am surprised you are not able to find girls smaller than you. Plenty of women are shorter than 6'6'' and weigh less than 170. Is it that you don't like dating girls who aren't as skinny as you--that is, their waist size is the size of yours or larger?
If that's the case, yeah, that's crazy impractical, because you are seriously skinny to the point where it would probably benefit you to put on some mass or something. Shallow? I mean, if it's your type, it's your type, just recognize you are pretty much hurting yourself--because after all, it's not just that you have to find girls skinny enough for you, it's that you have to find girls skinny enough who also find you attractive.
posted by Anonymous at 9:10 PM on January 13, 2009
If that's the case, yeah, that's crazy impractical, because you are seriously skinny to the point where it would probably benefit you to put on some mass or something. Shallow? I mean, if it's your type, it's your type, just recognize you are pretty much hurting yourself--because after all, it's not just that you have to find girls skinny enough for you, it's that you have to find girls skinny enough who also find you attractive.
posted by Anonymous at 9:10 PM on January 13, 2009
dude, i'm super fat and i've only dated skinny guys in the past. yeah, i felt weird about it, but only occasionally.
date who you're attracted to. if you're not attracted to fats, then don't date 'em. if you are, date 'em, and the awkwardness will work itself out (it's all socially imposed BS anyway).
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:10 PM on January 13, 2009
date who you're attracted to. if you're not attracted to fats, then don't date 'em. if you are, date 'em, and the awkwardness will work itself out (it's all socially imposed BS anyway).
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:10 PM on January 13, 2009
It feels awkward in the way that in my experience I generally don't see skinny guys with bigger women. It as if someone really tall was dating someone much shorter (another problem which I encounter hah)
Wait, seriously?
It is true that people often match their partner's heft and length, but I see a LOT of people of mixed body types dating. You need to look more closely. And you need to look at people of all age ranges.
And, if it's awkward because you think people are looking at you, you're doing it wrong. Ignore them. Do you find her hot?
I'm not saying you should be posting on craigslist for BBW and plumpers, but you do need to expand your search outside of "smaller than me". Girls have boobs and hips... those things alone are going to make most of them larger around than you are.
posted by Netzapper at 9:12 PM on January 13, 2009 [6 favorites]
Wait, seriously?
It is true that people often match their partner's heft and length, but I see a LOT of people of mixed body types dating. You need to look more closely. And you need to look at people of all age ranges.
And, if it's awkward because you think people are looking at you, you're doing it wrong. Ignore them. Do you find her hot?
I'm not saying you should be posting on craigslist for BBW and plumpers, but you do need to expand your search outside of "smaller than me". Girls have boobs and hips... those things alone are going to make most of them larger around than you are.
posted by Netzapper at 9:12 PM on January 13, 2009 [6 favorites]
You're worried that if you date a woman who isn't physically similar to you, you might, as a couple, look odd to other people? Don't worry about that.
Also, if you're having trouble finding women who are your type (very skinny and tall, I'm assuming?) you might try just cultivating friendships with a lot of women first without worrying about whether they're datable. People can become a lot more (or less) attractive to us based on the merits of their personalities alone.
posted by frobozz at 9:13 PM on January 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, if you're having trouble finding women who are your type (very skinny and tall, I'm assuming?) you might try just cultivating friendships with a lot of women first without worrying about whether they're datable. People can become a lot more (or less) attractive to us based on the merits of their personalities alone.
posted by frobozz at 9:13 PM on January 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Maybe I should have defined "larger" as above "average" (average being the socially agreed upon average size) I don't consider myself the average.
posted by Groovytimes at 9:27 PM on January 13, 2009
posted by Groovytimes at 9:27 PM on January 13, 2009
As a 6'6" guy with a low body-fat ratio I'll say that I've never worried about this whether I was with a GF who was a lean 6'1" or with a different body type.
If your point is that you're only into the former bodytype you might want to get involved with a club for tall people.
In the Netherlands where I live you yourself wouldn't qualify for a club like that. But that may be different where you live.
posted by jouke at 9:30 PM on January 13, 2009
If your point is that you're only into the former bodytype you might want to get involved with a club for tall people.
In the Netherlands where I live you yourself wouldn't qualify for a club like that. But that may be different where you live.
posted by jouke at 9:30 PM on January 13, 2009
Maybe I should have defined "larger" as above "average" (average being the socially agreed upon average size) I don't consider myself the average.
Then, yes. You're shallow.
You're asking, "I allow my views of acceptable mates to be dictated by popular fictional media. Does that make me shallow?"
If you don't like fat chicks 'cause they don't do it for you, that's just fine--I don't like skinny chicks; my buddy only dates blondes; some people are gay.
If you won't date fat chicks 'cause GQ says you shouldn't, or because they don't get cast as the lead heroine in Tit Blood IV: Kill More Brown People, you're shallow.
posted by Netzapper at 9:46 PM on January 13, 2009 [10 favorites]
Then, yes. You're shallow.
You're asking, "I allow my views of acceptable mates to be dictated by popular fictional media. Does that make me shallow?"
If you don't like fat chicks 'cause they don't do it for you, that's just fine--I don't like skinny chicks; my buddy only dates blondes; some people are gay.
If you won't date fat chicks 'cause GQ says you shouldn't, or because they don't get cast as the lead heroine in Tit Blood IV: Kill More Brown People, you're shallow.
posted by Netzapper at 9:46 PM on January 13, 2009 [10 favorites]
Shallow is the wrong word for it Netzapper, I think the phrase you're looking for is "Missing the fuck out". Groovytimes, if you're supressing your odds of getting horizontal with a fine bigger woman because you are afraid it will look weird, I got nothing but scorn for you son. If it's because you simply aren't attracted to them, then you're just being yourself. Do some serious consideration of who are you legitimately attracted to without considering what some abstract observer might think. Then do your thing.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:52 PM on January 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:52 PM on January 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
You could try playing basketball. Lots of tall, skinny girls are into that, so you could meet someone with the same sort of body type.
posted by Eastgate at 9:53 PM on January 13, 2009
posted by Eastgate at 9:53 PM on January 13, 2009
My husband is 6'3" and 140 and I'm 5'8" and um, heavier than average. It happens, and it happens more often than you think. I see lots of big girl/thin guy or big guy/thin girl combos.
I'm assuming from your clarifications you mean women who are larger than a US size 8 or so, as "average" in the US is 5'4" and a size 14. You, at 6'6" and 170, are going to encounter many, many people who are larger in girth than you are. If you are not attracted to those people, you don't have to date them. But you're unlikely to find women with the same body fat percentage or BMI as you who are not unhealthily skinny. As mentioned upthread, women have higher body fat percentages than men do.
You may be limiting your dating pool, but if what you like is skinny, then that's what you like. Don't sweat too much about it, but don't rule someone out just because she's got the freshman 15.
posted by bedhead at 9:54 PM on January 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm assuming from your clarifications you mean women who are larger than a US size 8 or so, as "average" in the US is 5'4" and a size 14. You, at 6'6" and 170, are going to encounter many, many people who are larger in girth than you are. If you are not attracted to those people, you don't have to date them. But you're unlikely to find women with the same body fat percentage or BMI as you who are not unhealthily skinny. As mentioned upthread, women have higher body fat percentages than men do.
You may be limiting your dating pool, but if what you like is skinny, then that's what you like. Don't sweat too much about it, but don't rule someone out just because she's got the freshman 15.
posted by bedhead at 9:54 PM on January 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don't think it's unforgivably shallow; I think it's totally natural to have preferences in looks or body types. I'm an average sized woman with a very strong preference for men whose frames are larger than mine in every direction- taller, broader, fatter, muscley-er, and heavier-boned. I just find them more attractive aesthetically, and when we interact, I like looking up to talk to a man, being picked up and swung around, feeling petite by comparison, etc. I guess it's kind of shallow that I wouldn't be as likely to be attracted to a very short, fine-boned man, but I'm okay with that. Hell, while we're at it, I tend to prefer brown eyes, big noses, and a quiet deep voice, too.
A lot of my friends share the size dimorphism preference to some degree- my male friends tend to strongly prefer women smaller than them, and while my female friends don't care as much, they still tend to go for men who are at least a little larger than they are.
If you feel the combination of your size and your preference is hampering your dating style, you can approach it two ways:
(1) Get bigger. Maybe you could drink some protein shakes, hit the weights, and bulk up a bit. When you're bigger, more women will fit your size parameters. Even 10-15 pounds with a little more size on the chest and thighs will make you feel larger so you "match" more women.
(2) Work harder to find smaller women. Hang around near modelling agencies and ballet schools to meet the skinny girls. They're out there, and lots of them like tall dudes.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:59 PM on January 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
A lot of my friends share the size dimorphism preference to some degree- my male friends tend to strongly prefer women smaller than them, and while my female friends don't care as much, they still tend to go for men who are at least a little larger than they are.
If you feel the combination of your size and your preference is hampering your dating style, you can approach it two ways:
(1) Get bigger. Maybe you could drink some protein shakes, hit the weights, and bulk up a bit. When you're bigger, more women will fit your size parameters. Even 10-15 pounds with a little more size on the chest and thighs will make you feel larger so you "match" more women.
(2) Work harder to find smaller women. Hang around near modelling agencies and ballet schools to meet the skinny girls. They're out there, and lots of them like tall dudes.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:59 PM on January 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Final and most important point:
(3) If you like a woman who's a little larger than you, who cares? Don't let it hold you back- by all means, date her. Trust your amazing mutual charisma to make the judgers decide you're perfect together. The saddest thing ever would be to miss out on a soulmate because they were a few inches too short or a few dozen pounds too heavy!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:02 PM on January 13, 2009
(3) If you like a woman who's a little larger than you, who cares? Don't let it hold you back- by all means, date her. Trust your amazing mutual charisma to make the judgers decide you're perfect together. The saddest thing ever would be to miss out on a soulmate because they were a few inches too short or a few dozen pounds too heavy!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:02 PM on January 13, 2009
The only thing that would make you appear shallow is the way you worded this question. I think you're probably just young, though.
What's wrong with being single? You tagged this question with the word "problem" -- that means this issue is bothering you.
Try dating whoever you want and if there are practical reasons to not continue (you don't mesh well, the sex is terrible, you cannot get over your physical differences long enough to develop a relationship with the girl, for example) then you have your answer.
That said, a lot of people sabotage themselves by only actively pursuing people of a certain physical type or social group; if you do this, you will miss out on some of the richest, most profound emotional challenges and deepest friendships (and potential long-term romances) you could ever know.
You might fall in love with somebody you weren't initially attracted to. This happens all the time. Opposites attract and all that. It's a stereotype because there's a grain of truth in there.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 10:08 PM on January 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
What's wrong with being single? You tagged this question with the word "problem" -- that means this issue is bothering you.
Try dating whoever you want and if there are practical reasons to not continue (you don't mesh well, the sex is terrible, you cannot get over your physical differences long enough to develop a relationship with the girl, for example) then you have your answer.
That said, a lot of people sabotage themselves by only actively pursuing people of a certain physical type or social group; if you do this, you will miss out on some of the richest, most profound emotional challenges and deepest friendships (and potential long-term romances) you could ever know.
You might fall in love with somebody you weren't initially attracted to. This happens all the time. Opposites attract and all that. It's a stereotype because there's a grain of truth in there.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 10:08 PM on January 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
Move to Brooklyn, wear tight pants and neon hightops, don't wash your hair, and be an asshole. The skinny girls will be all over you.
posted by greta simone at 10:14 PM on January 13, 2009 [8 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 10:14 PM on January 13, 2009 [8 favorites]
You don't see skinny guys with fat women? The skinny guy/fat woman motif is so common I thought it was something of a weird cultural trend.
That said... I don't think it's unreasonable to want a partner who isn't obese for the simple reason that they're radically more likely to die on your than a physically fit partner. The average US woman is 5 foot 4, if they weight more than you they are medically obese and at an increased risk for all kinds of problems like diabetes and heart disease.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 10:25 PM on January 13, 2009
That said... I don't think it's unreasonable to want a partner who isn't obese for the simple reason that they're radically more likely to die on your than a physically fit partner. The average US woman is 5 foot 4, if they weight more than you they are medically obese and at an increased risk for all kinds of problems like diabetes and heart disease.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 10:25 PM on January 13, 2009
Why is this a problem?
There are millions of women who won't date guys shorter than them, or have a very strong preference not to. I don't see anyone giving them a hard time, or these women wringing their hands about being "shallow" or "superficial."
If anyone gives you flak about your preference, tell them to put a sock in it. Or at least tell them to be consistent and encourage women to date shorter guys.
posted by uxo at 10:46 PM on January 13, 2009
There are millions of women who won't date guys shorter than them, or have a very strong preference not to. I don't see anyone giving them a hard time, or these women wringing their hands about being "shallow" or "superficial."
If anyone gives you flak about your preference, tell them to put a sock in it. Or at least tell them to be consistent and encourage women to date shorter guys.
posted by uxo at 10:46 PM on January 13, 2009
Don't worry that other people are reciting the nursery rhyme Jack Sprat in their heads if they see you with a girl who's not your clone. They're not thinking about you, and the ones who make any kind of negative deal about it aren't worth listening to. Right? Do you make a big deal about who other people date? No? See? Sorted. Now go meet some nice woman.
posted by droplet at 10:51 PM on January 13, 2009
posted by droplet at 10:51 PM on January 13, 2009
You should just be honest with yourself about what you actually do and don't like. That's the only thing that should guide your behavior -- not some sense of duty or charity, and certainly not a desire to avoid having a certain adjective like "shallow" applied to you.
There's something very odd about your question: what is it that you're planning on actually doing with this information? If you were convinced it's "shallow," would you then decide to be attracted to women of a larger body type? Is that even possible?
Relevant self-link: there are plenty of men who are attracted to non-skinny women, and things would fall into place if everyone would just admit to being "shallow" and be honest about who they're attracted to and who's attracted to them. So you wouldn't be doing these women any grand favor by pretending to be attracted to them. Likewise, you're simply mistaken to say that you rarely see a skinny guy with a bigger woman, or a tall man with a much shorter woman. This happens all the time through the natural process of people straightforwardly seeking out the people they're attracted to.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:58 AM on January 14, 2009
There's something very odd about your question: what is it that you're planning on actually doing with this information? If you were convinced it's "shallow," would you then decide to be attracted to women of a larger body type? Is that even possible?
Relevant self-link: there are plenty of men who are attracted to non-skinny women, and things would fall into place if everyone would just admit to being "shallow" and be honest about who they're attracted to and who's attracted to them. So you wouldn't be doing these women any grand favor by pretending to be attracted to them. Likewise, you're simply mistaken to say that you rarely see a skinny guy with a bigger woman, or a tall man with a much shorter woman. This happens all the time through the natural process of people straightforwardly seeking out the people they're attracted to.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:58 AM on January 14, 2009
If you have been uncomfortable in the past, it just means that they probably weren't the right girls for you. It is easy to suppose what would make you comfortable or uncomfortable about a woman's physique. However, when you meet someone you really like, all that gets thrown out the window. Believe me, if you open your mind up a little, it won't matter.
posted by Gor-ella at 6:20 AM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Gor-ella at 6:20 AM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
It feels awkward in the way that in my experience I generally don't see skinny guys with bigger women.
I wouldn't worry about this. If you enjoy being with a girl and are physically attracted to her, then by all means date her and don't worry about how the two of you might look to others or whether you fit some social norm.
And let me tell you a story. A friend of a friend was and is overweight. She was also very attractive (had done some large size modelling) and dressed and groomed herself beautifully. For several years she dated a guy who was also very good looking and in great shape. Then he dumped her. Not because of physical energy level discrepancies, because she was very active and they'd go windsurfing and rock climbing together and she had no trouble keeping up with him. And not because he wasn't physically attracted to her, because he said himself that he LOVED the sex they had and he was constantly wanting more. He dumped her because he couldn't accept that his wonderful, former-prom-king self would be with a fat girl for the rest of his life, and that he wouldn't have some trophy girlfriend/wife who would be the envy of all his 22-year-old buddies.
That has to be the dumbest reason for a break up I've ever heard. She found someone else within a week of being dumped, and married him. And last she heard, he was still looking.
posted by orange swan at 6:40 AM on January 14, 2009 [4 favorites]
I wouldn't worry about this. If you enjoy being with a girl and are physically attracted to her, then by all means date her and don't worry about how the two of you might look to others or whether you fit some social norm.
And let me tell you a story. A friend of a friend was and is overweight. She was also very attractive (had done some large size modelling) and dressed and groomed herself beautifully. For several years she dated a guy who was also very good looking and in great shape. Then he dumped her. Not because of physical energy level discrepancies, because she was very active and they'd go windsurfing and rock climbing together and she had no trouble keeping up with him. And not because he wasn't physically attracted to her, because he said himself that he LOVED the sex they had and he was constantly wanting more. He dumped her because he couldn't accept that his wonderful, former-prom-king self would be with a fat girl for the rest of his life, and that he wouldn't have some trophy girlfriend/wife who would be the envy of all his 22-year-old buddies.
That has to be the dumbest reason for a break up I've ever heard. She found someone else within a week of being dumped, and married him. And last she heard, he was still looking.
posted by orange swan at 6:40 AM on January 14, 2009 [4 favorites]
I outweigh my boyfriend by 100lbs, and have an inch on him. There's also a 10+ year age gap. We are amazingly happy. In five years, we've weathered both of us getting laid off, the illness and death of his parents, my thyroid cancer, and both of us moving to new places. The next move will be moving in together, and we're talking about getting hitched.
Just echoing the chorus. If you are not attracted to bigger women, then don't worry about it. People like what they like.
But if there is an attraction, then you are only fucking yourself over by denying it.
posted by kimdog at 6:56 AM on January 14, 2009
Just echoing the chorus. If you are not attracted to bigger women, then don't worry about it. People like what they like.
But if there is an attraction, then you are only fucking yourself over by denying it.
posted by kimdog at 6:56 AM on January 14, 2009
I'm a little confused. Do you think you could clarify a few things here?
1. Are you or are you not attracted to girls who are larger than average?
2. If you are attracted to larger girls are you avoiding them only because you are worried about what other people will say?
3. If you are NOT attracted to larger girls then could you please explain why you feel this has anything to do with you not having a long-term relationship? There are lots of guys out there who prefer thin women and they do just fine.
It sounds to me like you believe that a fat woman will go for you but a thin woman won't and that even though you're not really attracted to larger women you feel like you're missing out on having a relationship by not including them in your pool of potential partners. If this is the case I think you might be focusing on the wrong issue. Larger women are attracted to the same things in a man that thin women are. If you are having problems maintaining a relationship you might want to look at what you are or are not bringing to the table rather than what pant size your date is wearing.
posted by lysistrata at 6:58 AM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
1. Are you or are you not attracted to girls who are larger than average?
2. If you are attracted to larger girls are you avoiding them only because you are worried about what other people will say?
3. If you are NOT attracted to larger girls then could you please explain why you feel this has anything to do with you not having a long-term relationship? There are lots of guys out there who prefer thin women and they do just fine.
It sounds to me like you believe that a fat woman will go for you but a thin woman won't and that even though you're not really attracted to larger women you feel like you're missing out on having a relationship by not including them in your pool of potential partners. If this is the case I think you might be focusing on the wrong issue. Larger women are attracted to the same things in a man that thin women are. If you are having problems maintaining a relationship you might want to look at what you are or are not bringing to the table rather than what pant size your date is wearing.
posted by lysistrata at 6:58 AM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's not shallow to have preferences. Someone who likes redheaded women, or who likes their men tall, dark, and handsome, isn't necessarily shallow.
But if you have those preferences not because those are the things that really float your boat, but because you think that other people want you to have those preferences, then you are shallow. It's the difference between saying "tall skinny girls make me sweat with desire," and saying "I can't date a bigger girl because people will look at me and disapprove." That second statement is, to me at least, really shallow.
And you need to realize how limiting your preferences, as you've expressed them here, will be. Your height/weight is way out past the 95th percentile on the charts. Is it really a smart decision to unilaterally reject 95%, or even more, of the women in the world?
Or another way to think about this: you are (in both height and weight) very much not average. Why are you, as a physically weird individual, so fixated on "average" women? And not women who are really "average" (which would be, according to the charts I just found online, for a white, 30 year old woman, about 5' 4" and 140lbs) but rather women who match some mythical idea of average on TV and in magazines?
So I'm saying, stop worrying about what other people think, and start simply going for people who make your heart go pitter patter. That is what matters -- not what you are imagining other people are thinking.
posted by Forktine at 7:11 AM on January 14, 2009
But if you have those preferences not because those are the things that really float your boat, but because you think that other people want you to have those preferences, then you are shallow. It's the difference between saying "tall skinny girls make me sweat with desire," and saying "I can't date a bigger girl because people will look at me and disapprove." That second statement is, to me at least, really shallow.
And you need to realize how limiting your preferences, as you've expressed them here, will be. Your height/weight is way out past the 95th percentile on the charts. Is it really a smart decision to unilaterally reject 95%, or even more, of the women in the world?
Or another way to think about this: you are (in both height and weight) very much not average. Why are you, as a physically weird individual, so fixated on "average" women? And not women who are really "average" (which would be, according to the charts I just found online, for a white, 30 year old woman, about 5' 4" and 140lbs) but rather women who match some mythical idea of average on TV and in magazines?
So I'm saying, stop worrying about what other people think, and start simply going for people who make your heart go pitter patter. That is what matters -- not what you are imagining other people are thinking.
posted by Forktine at 7:11 AM on January 14, 2009
It feels awkward in the way that in my experience I generally don't see skinny guys with bigger women.
If this is the only thing stopping you, then yeah, throw off the shackles of conforming to some perceived norm. It's not even really a real norm because as others have pointed out, most very skinny men are with partners that are at least a little chunkier than they are, because women just aren't built that way. But even if it were--even if the skinny man/fat woman were the freakiest of combinations by some weird community standard--why would you ever let that stop you from being with someone you like? I'd think it'd be all the more reason to buck the trend.
It's not like picking out a piece of clothing. I see dresses all the time that I LOVE, but know I couldn't wear because they wouldn't work with my body type. But people can pair up in any combo! If you're thinking "wow, that girl is AWESOME! But too bad it would be awkward because of our size difference," then, well, it doesn't really matter if it's shallow or not. It's more important that it's stupid. I suspect that's not really the main problem though.
I think the best thing to do is just to stop thinking about it in terms of size or any other type of categorization and just ask out people that you like. Some people have a "type" and some don't, but you don't find out who you like by checking off some list of qualities. It's a gut thing. After the fact, you may notice that most of them are a certain body type, you might not. Even if they are, I bet there will be at least a few that are totally different from the others, in body type and a thousand other ways.
You're not going to be attracted to every person you meet--no one is. But as long as you're not eliminating people you otherwise really like and are attracted to, just because you don't notice a lot of similarly-sized couples, you're doing OK. Go with your gut.
posted by lampoil at 7:56 AM on January 14, 2009
If this is the only thing stopping you, then yeah, throw off the shackles of conforming to some perceived norm. It's not even really a real norm because as others have pointed out, most very skinny men are with partners that are at least a little chunkier than they are, because women just aren't built that way. But even if it were--even if the skinny man/fat woman were the freakiest of combinations by some weird community standard--why would you ever let that stop you from being with someone you like? I'd think it'd be all the more reason to buck the trend.
It's not like picking out a piece of clothing. I see dresses all the time that I LOVE, but know I couldn't wear because they wouldn't work with my body type. But people can pair up in any combo! If you're thinking "wow, that girl is AWESOME! But too bad it would be awkward because of our size difference," then, well, it doesn't really matter if it's shallow or not. It's more important that it's stupid. I suspect that's not really the main problem though.
I think the best thing to do is just to stop thinking about it in terms of size or any other type of categorization and just ask out people that you like. Some people have a "type" and some don't, but you don't find out who you like by checking off some list of qualities. It's a gut thing. After the fact, you may notice that most of them are a certain body type, you might not. Even if they are, I bet there will be at least a few that are totally different from the others, in body type and a thousand other ways.
You're not going to be attracted to every person you meet--no one is. But as long as you're not eliminating people you otherwise really like and are attracted to, just because you don't notice a lot of similarly-sized couples, you're doing OK. Go with your gut.
posted by lampoil at 7:56 AM on January 14, 2009
Is a heterosexual man "shallow" for not being attracted to men?
It's American advertising that created this "real woman have curves" bullshit.
So don't feel guilty for liking hot women. They're real too.
posted by Zambrano at 9:06 AM on January 14, 2009
It's American advertising that created this "real woman have curves" bullshit.
So don't feel guilty for liking hot women. They're real too.
posted by Zambrano at 9:06 AM on January 14, 2009
First of all, all the largest women I know have the tiniest, skinniest boyfriends I've ever seen-- so you wouldn't be the first, even if you dated a size 22. (Seriously.)
Second of all, I think your roadblock might be this:
Now Ive never had a long term girlfriend (over 2 months)
I am a skinny girl (not bony or uncurvy, for the haters....skinny. Thanks, family metabolism!). All of the men in my family have a low BMI as well. Before I had much experience, I was really turned off by a guy who had any kind of squish, extra padding, etc. My semi-defensive joke was, "I want to be the soft cuddly one in the relationship."
Then I fell in love with the personality of a very athletic but, well, 20 lbs overweight guy (he also had my only two other physical dealbreakers as well). I dumped him before the 2 year mark for other reasons (he was kind of a jerk), but let's just say that my conception of what was sexually attractive to me has been, well, widened.
posted by availablelight at 9:40 AM on January 14, 2009
Second of all, I think your roadblock might be this:
Now Ive never had a long term girlfriend (over 2 months)
I am a skinny girl (not bony or uncurvy, for the haters....skinny. Thanks, family metabolism!). All of the men in my family have a low BMI as well. Before I had much experience, I was really turned off by a guy who had any kind of squish, extra padding, etc. My semi-defensive joke was, "I want to be the soft cuddly one in the relationship."
Then I fell in love with the personality of a very athletic but, well, 20 lbs overweight guy (he also had my only two other physical dealbreakers as well). I dumped him before the 2 year mark for other reasons (he was kind of a jerk), but let's just say that my conception of what was sexually attractive to me has been, well, widened.
posted by availablelight at 9:40 AM on January 14, 2009
So don't feel guilty for liking hot women.
'Hot' is completely subjective. Brad Pitt, for example? Not bad to sit next to on a flight, but physically leaves me completely cold. Other women drool at the very mention of his name.
posted by mippy at 10:07 AM on January 14, 2009
'Hot' is completely subjective. Brad Pitt, for example? Not bad to sit next to on a flight, but physically leaves me completely cold. Other women drool at the very mention of his name.
posted by mippy at 10:07 AM on January 14, 2009
I am unusually tall for a female and when I was younger, used to think that I would only be attracted to taller men... but I've since dated men many inches shorter than I and now don't think anything of the difference.
My current beau and I make a game of finding tall woman/short man combinations out in public and hissing "one of us" to each other in what we hope are quiet voices. So... don't take it so seriously, hey? :)
posted by cranberrymonger at 11:46 AM on January 14, 2009
My current beau and I make a game of finding tall woman/short man combinations out in public and hissing "one of us" to each other in what we hope are quiet voices. So... don't take it so seriously, hey? :)
posted by cranberrymonger at 11:46 AM on January 14, 2009
Without my skinny, tall dad (when he met my mom, 6'8" and just north of 140) falling for my chunkier mom (5'10", 160 [guess]), I wouldn't be here.
posted by klangklangston at 11:47 AM on January 14, 2009
posted by klangklangston at 11:47 AM on January 14, 2009
Everybody is allowed to be attracted to who they want. Its a human right. There's no rule that says you must like X or Y or you are a bad person.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:18 PM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 12:18 PM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
FWIW, I am a fat lady married to a thin man. Neither of us has ever felt awkward about it. Maybe we are just used to it?
If it's your preference to be with very thin women, then whatever. That's just what you like, and you can leave it at that. It doesn't necessarily mean you're "shallow," any more than my husband is shallow for actually preferring my fat ass. But if going for thin women is simply a proxy for mpressing other fellows or whathaveyou -- in short, if you're conscious that you're using women with that body type to bump up your own social status -- then yeah, that could be a bit shallow (and exploitive too, if the women are not fully aware of or consenting to that role.)
Anyhow. If you're uncomfortable with your preference, you might try exposing yourself regularly to nonstandard images of beauty, and practice observing the judgments you make about them in your head. Eventually, you might stop making negative judgments, or even replace them with positive ones.
I found that, as I got older and had more experience being around different types of people, and even viewing different types of art, my conception of what I considered attractive and beautiful widened on its own.
But you don't have to feel obligated to change anything about who you find attractive, unless it's really bothering you, or unless you're somehow hurting people with it.
posted by peggynature at 1:03 PM on January 14, 2009
If it's your preference to be with very thin women, then whatever. That's just what you like, and you can leave it at that. It doesn't necessarily mean you're "shallow," any more than my husband is shallow for actually preferring my fat ass. But if going for thin women is simply a proxy for mpressing other fellows or whathaveyou -- in short, if you're conscious that you're using women with that body type to bump up your own social status -- then yeah, that could be a bit shallow (and exploitive too, if the women are not fully aware of or consenting to that role.)
Anyhow. If you're uncomfortable with your preference, you might try exposing yourself regularly to nonstandard images of beauty, and practice observing the judgments you make about them in your head. Eventually, you might stop making negative judgments, or even replace them with positive ones.
I found that, as I got older and had more experience being around different types of people, and even viewing different types of art, my conception of what I considered attractive and beautiful widened on its own.
But you don't have to feel obligated to change anything about who you find attractive, unless it's really bothering you, or unless you're somehow hurting people with it.
posted by peggynature at 1:03 PM on January 14, 2009
Jack Sprat, dude.
posted by klangklangston at 3:16 PM on January 14, 2009
posted by klangklangston at 3:16 PM on January 14, 2009
I've been thinking about the extremely tall, skinny guys I've known, and the women they've dated. And I can't remember a single one that was into slightly shorter versions of themselves. I'm remembering a lot of girls of different heights and weights, but all of these girls had a good deal more circumference than their partners. Also, there seems to be a theme of round, glorious ass, as well. Like some other people here, I'd kind of starting assuming it was some sort of low-annoyance social cliche that skinny guys dated curvemachines.
Maybe you shouldn't worry about this so much. You could be fulfilling a grand tradition, here.
As a side note, it looks as though Zambrano continues to nurture a wealth of bizarre, cockamamie opinions on women, their bodies, and their skin care products. Good to see some things can be counted on.
posted by Coatlicue at 3:36 PM on January 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
Maybe you shouldn't worry about this so much. You could be fulfilling a grand tradition, here.
As a side note, it looks as though Zambrano continues to nurture a wealth of bizarre, cockamamie opinions on women, their bodies, and their skin care products. Good to see some things can be counted on.
posted by Coatlicue at 3:36 PM on January 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
Nothing personal, but you sound like girls I knew in college who would say things like "How could I date a guy with a smaller butt than me?"
Really, haven't you ever listened to that Sir Mix A Lot song?
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 5:23 PM on January 14, 2009
Really, haven't you ever listened to that Sir Mix A Lot song?
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 5:23 PM on January 14, 2009
Response by poster: A whole lot of replies...
This entire question was posted because I was having a discussion with my buddy, who is skinny and does date a heavy set girl. When I said that I just don't find heavy set girls attractive, he said I was shallow. So being the savvy Metafilter users we are, we put it to this.
posted by Groovytimes at 11:33 PM on January 14, 2009
This entire question was posted because I was having a discussion with my buddy, who is skinny and does date a heavy set girl. When I said that I just don't find heavy set girls attractive, he said I was shallow. So being the savvy Metafilter users we are, we put it to this.
posted by Groovytimes at 11:33 PM on January 14, 2009
Ok, yeah you're shallow, but by this definition so is about 95% of the human race.
What attracted him to the girl? Stuff like her gorgeous eyes or cute face is equally shallow, IMHO. Perhaps even a little more shallow, since those are things people have a harder time changing, than weight. (Not that it is easy, often times, to change one's weight.) The point is, unless he is one of the 5% (or so) percent who go completely by personality, I don't think he has much of a case.
I think he was just trying to defend his girl.
posted by uxo at 3:13 AM on January 15, 2009
What attracted him to the girl? Stuff like her gorgeous eyes or cute face is equally shallow, IMHO. Perhaps even a little more shallow, since those are things people have a harder time changing, than weight. (Not that it is easy, often times, to change one's weight.) The point is, unless he is one of the 5% (or so) percent who go completely by personality, I don't think he has much of a case.
I think he was just trying to defend his girl.
posted by uxo at 3:13 AM on January 15, 2009
It's American advertising that created this "real woman have curves" bullshit.
It's biology that gives women curves, not advertising.
The vast majority of women have curves, and will always have curves, no matter how much they diet. Women store fat in different places than men, and two of those places are the breasts and the hips. That you would think that the idea of a normal woman having curves is "bullshit" shows just how twisted the media's presentation of female body image has become.
That said, I don't like phrase "real women have curves" because it's an exclusionary phrase masquerading as an inclusionary one. Real women are super-skinny and super-curvy and everything in between. It's fair to say, however, that the vast, vast majority of women could never have the body size/shape that the American media presents as standard, even if they wanted to.
posted by Georgina at 7:44 PM on January 15, 2009
It's biology that gives women curves, not advertising.
The vast majority of women have curves, and will always have curves, no matter how much they diet. Women store fat in different places than men, and two of those places are the breasts and the hips. That you would think that the idea of a normal woman having curves is "bullshit" shows just how twisted the media's presentation of female body image has become.
That said, I don't like phrase "real women have curves" because it's an exclusionary phrase masquerading as an inclusionary one. Real women are super-skinny and super-curvy and everything in between. It's fair to say, however, that the vast, vast majority of women could never have the body size/shape that the American media presents as standard, even if they wanted to.
posted by Georgina at 7:44 PM on January 15, 2009
I was really horrifically picky about who I would date for a bit there. Then one week I forced myself to do things against my nature and went on a date with an older man, even though I would've never given him the time of day before. He was in my life for 7 years and I'm a better person for it. Funniest thing is... after dating him, I found myself being attracted to different men than I had been before. It completely expanded my "type."
When you open up your horizons and give people a chance, you start to see potential mates as more than their weight or height or age. Right now you're a bit blind to seeing people for who they really are... you might find a woman that's the right weight for you, but that doesn't mean she's good or kind or loving or sexually healthy or has her shit together. She may be the right weight and be someone who makes you fucking miserable and is ugly as hell inside. The man I was most attracted to in my life is the one who treated me the absolute worst and was the most unhappy in his own skin.
If you try to find someone who makes you FEEL GOOD, you might be surprised to find her super attractive even though she's not 100% your exact type. Right now you consider a long term relationship to be 2 months... but let's say you meet someone and are with them for 10 years. There's a good chance that neither of you are going to look the way you do now in 10 years. YOU might be the one to gain weight later, maybe you'll have health problems or not age well due to something you couldn't control. Do you want to be with a woman who wants to leave you for that? Or do you want someone to love you and accept you for who you are inside? This has to go both ways if your relationship is going to last.
My advice is to look for a woman who makes you feel good in your heart and mind first and foremost. Find someone you want to be with and are attracted to even when your eyes are closed.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:29 AM on January 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
When you open up your horizons and give people a chance, you start to see potential mates as more than their weight or height or age. Right now you're a bit blind to seeing people for who they really are... you might find a woman that's the right weight for you, but that doesn't mean she's good or kind or loving or sexually healthy or has her shit together. She may be the right weight and be someone who makes you fucking miserable and is ugly as hell inside. The man I was most attracted to in my life is the one who treated me the absolute worst and was the most unhappy in his own skin.
If you try to find someone who makes you FEEL GOOD, you might be surprised to find her super attractive even though she's not 100% your exact type. Right now you consider a long term relationship to be 2 months... but let's say you meet someone and are with them for 10 years. There's a good chance that neither of you are going to look the way you do now in 10 years. YOU might be the one to gain weight later, maybe you'll have health problems or not age well due to something you couldn't control. Do you want to be with a woman who wants to leave you for that? Or do you want someone to love you and accept you for who you are inside? This has to go both ways if your relationship is going to last.
My advice is to look for a woman who makes you feel good in your heart and mind first and foremost. Find someone you want to be with and are attracted to even when your eyes are closed.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:29 AM on January 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's difficult to define shallow - but if you are ruling out potential dates purely because of size, that's coming pretty close.
I think you've hit the nail on the head with impractical, though - particularly for a guy of your height.
posted by crossoverman at 8:58 PM on January 13, 2009