Should I go to sexual therapy?
January 12, 2009 8:16 PM   Subscribe

I lose interest in sex entirely once I've been in a relationship for awhile. Is this worthy of seeking therapy?

I am a woman in my mid thirties. I've had two long relationships in my life (years) and in both I've lost sexual interest after the first year or so. Not a lowering of interest but complete loss of interest in sex with them. I was in love both times and thought the men were attractive but was not sexually attracted to them later in the relationship. I tried but eventually came up with reasons to stop having sex.

I am very sexual outside of these two instances. Not sure if this is relevant but I do have BDSM leanings. I have some typical 'daddy never hugged me' issues and potential sexual molestation in my young childhood. I've never been to therapy.

Is this lack of sexual interest a sign of a larger issue? Is it possible that these were just bad relationships I should have ended? Should I seek therapy to figure out the answer? If so, what type of therapist do you go to for something like that?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
Seems like a prime example of a situation where talking through it with a professional might help. Doesn't mean they weren't bad relationships, and it doesn't necessarily mean there's a larger issue, but it's certainly worth exploring.

I'll let someone who's actually been to therapy address the "what kind" issue. (My mom's a sort of generic talk therapist - LCSW - and she'd probably be fine, but that's the extent of my experience.)
posted by restless_nomad at 8:29 PM on January 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


You haven't told us what these relationships were like, other than you loved both these men and thought they were attractive. If they weren't treating you well, it was only reasonable that you would lose interest in being intimate with them as part of the disintegration of the relationship. Otherwise...if they were good to you and things were going well... yes, try some therapy. I don't know what to suggest in terms of kind of therapy. There must be literature out there people who were molested as children and have sexual problems as a result. You could start by doing some reading.
posted by orange swan at 8:32 PM on January 12, 2009


Those are questions that are all sorta mixed in with one another. Therapy is definitely going to help you sort out what it is you want and what might be getting in the way of figuring out.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:36 PM on January 12, 2009


This has happened to me. The relationships were great, I was in love, that wasn't the problem. My libido still waxes and wanes and hasn't ever regained the full fire of those early months of the relationship, but it is greater than it used to be for the following reasons:

1. I got off birth control pills. This helped a lot. It took a while for the pills to knock out my libido but they did, bit by bit.

2. I started working less and sleeping more. Exhaustion can be a huge drain on libido. This matters less at the beginning of the relationship because it is new and exciting and so your body produces a lot of adrenaline. Once things get comfortable this stops happening.

3. We now have an open relationship. The spark of excitement that I get with new men besides my primary partner actually ups my sex drive overall, so I have more interest in my primary partner as well. Obviously most people won't want to try this option but it works for us.
posted by mai at 8:41 PM on January 12, 2009


If you can rule out stress, hormonal imbalances, and fatigue- my guess is that, yes, your possible past traumas and lingering pain from your relationship with your father are a part of this. I was similar in my past, but would lose interest after only three months with a partner. Repeatedly. For me it had something to do with feeling obligated to continue to perform sexually- figuring out why I would feel this way about partners who cared about me and treated me well took a long time and eventually had me working with a therapist through a lot of hard shit from my childhood and teenage years.

Your BDSM preferences may or may not be connected with your concerns.

It's definitely worth it to find a professional to help you sort this out.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 9:23 PM on January 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


Aside from the fine advice above, if you get another boyfriend in the intervening time you should ask him to tie you up. Just to check to see if that's it.
posted by rhizome at 9:34 PM on January 12, 2009


Sounds like therapy couldn't hurt, because of your childhood issues. But the overall loss of interest is pretty normal, though for most people it's less dramatic.

Whatever it may or may not mean anthropologically, we all crave variety in sex.
posted by rokusan at 9:37 PM on January 12, 2009


Apart from the issues stemming from your childhood, I'd say therapy probably isn't needed because this is very normal. Many women report that after being in a LTSR for some time, their sexual interest starts to wane.

I also assume that when you are in a long term relationship, you're probably taking the pill? The pill is a known libido killer. But many women don't want to stop taking it because there's a chance they'll fall pregnant.

I have read that taking testosterone pills can help a woman increase her libido and also combat the libido-sapping effects of the pill, without neccessarily increasing your chances of falling pregnant. Apparently the ones that men typically take are too high for women, but certain chemists can make oral testosterone pills by request that contain dosages that are safe for women. I've also read that they can make testosterone creams that you rub on to try and increase your libido. There are some side affects (usually oily skin and acne) but none of the more serious ones that taking testosterone pills would bring (hair growth, increased levels of aggression etc).

Disclaimer: I am totally not a doctor; just reporting something I read while looking into this issue that may or may not be of assistance.
posted by Effigy2000 at 10:07 PM on January 12, 2009


A very similar question was asked two months ago. namesarehard gave what I thought was the first sensible and blame-free answer in that thread. Self-linkish, but I also posted a long answer agreeing with namesarehard and offering some suggestions. If there's a point to focus on right now, it's that some women find that engaging in sex can often stimulate further desire for sex.

Physiologically and psychologically it does happen that women can experience a drop in libido after the first year of a relationship. Don't beat yourself up for it, because it seems to be hormonally caused. It is what it is; focus on finding out what can you do now and in the future to keep yourself and your fella happy.

Yes, you should chat with a sex therapist because it's clear that this issue is bothering you. You seem to feel that your past relationship with your dad and the possible sexual abuse by others may have left unhappy effects behind, and you deserve the help of others if you feel that it might help you sort things through.
posted by jeeves at 10:28 PM on January 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


Such a dramatic loss of interest would be taken quite seriously by any physician or psychologist that I've been treated by, and I know many friends and acquaintances who would say the same. I say this having had some incredibly jaded health professionals in my life.

If you value your health and future happiness, don't attempt using any sort of hormone or hormone substitute without first speaking to a physician.
posted by batmonkey at 10:29 PM on January 12, 2009


Also, after seeing the answer from Effigy2000, I need to say that testosterone therapies do not help everyone and the evidence is inconclusive, and that unfortunately the creams can indeed cause hair growth where they are applied in some women. However, Effigy2000 is right that some women have found that they help.

The question you need to consider in that case is whether you think your lower libido is a normal and healthy result of a long-term relationship, or whether it's a sexual and medical impairment that needs to be treated. There are excellent reasons for either answer; it's your body, you decide.

Interestingly, as you get older you may find that you and your guy friend even cross paths on the gentle, slow libido decline that many of us experience as we age. I've heard more than a few women say that they felt they were finally starting to hit their stride around age 35 just as their boyfriends and husbands were beginning to feel the infini-lust start to cool down. Human bodies are strange things.
posted by jeeves at 10:38 PM on January 12, 2009


Any secret lusts? Things you've never told anyone regarding your sexual fantasies? You've mentioned that you're into BDSM. If the guys that you were with didn't lean towards that then they weren't touching the thing that makes you hot. I reckon if you found someone that you loved and you found attractive and they wanted to explore that side of things with you then you'd maintain your horniness.
posted by h00py at 12:45 AM on January 13, 2009


Indeed, this can be a variety of things. Hormones are definitely the reason you don't feel "it" any more in these relationships, the question is whether those hormones wane from biological or psychological reasons.

I am very sexual outside of these two instances. Not sure if this is relevant but I do have BDSM leanings. I have some typical 'daddy never hugged me' issues and potential sexual molestation in my young childhood. I've never been to therapy.

Since you brought it up, I'd guess it is relevant and you probably would benefit from seeking therapy about some or all of these issues. It's just as possible what you feel are the normal "ugh, this relationship is a dead-ender" feelings- the sadness and confusion you get when you love and respect someone, but no longer love them romantically. But it's also possible there's some kind of block you've set up in your subconscious that turns off romantic love when some sort of milestone is reached- increased comfort, increased intimacy, time, etc.

As I implied in the above linked-to thread, sex isn't always about the same thing to everyone. There's nothing wrong with having slightly out of the ordinary sexual desires, as long as you are happy with it and your partners are as well. Some prefer the hunt, some prefer the kill, some prefer the meal. If you are cool with what you like, good times. If you aren't, getting a little therapy to work some stuff out might not be a bad plan.
posted by gjc at 3:00 AM on January 13, 2009


I dunno. I have this problem also and: I'm a guy and I wasn't even potentially molested and I'm about as vanilla as they come.

So whatever it is that causes people like us to lose our libidos after a certain period of time, I can't put my finger on it based on any similarities that we might have.

That doesn't mean that therapy can't help. I tend to agree with mai about opening relationships up for people like us. For me, the spark of new sex gets my motor running regularly and keeps it running. It certainly isn't helpful to just find someone else who has a high libido and hope that they can drag you along for the ride - that only leads to resentment.
posted by greekphilosophy at 10:21 AM on January 14, 2009


Therapy yes - a therapist with a background in couples counseling might work well. Would stay away from sex therapists since there seem to be underlying issues.

Go for one-on-one therapy. It's an issue worth working out.
posted by HolyWood at 1:34 PM on January 16, 2009


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