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January 12, 2009 2:48 PM Subscribe
What should I do about a long-term attraction? Also, my mother recently died.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
My mother died recently. I came home for the funeral services, etc. and that's been going ok. This is not the main focus of my question, but it is relevant.
I received email condolences from an old friend - a woman, who I've been attracted to for a very long time, but we've never been a relationship. She was married to a guy that was a perfectly fine person, but not a good fit for her.
She always knew that it was a bad fit, and she's now separated from the guy. This happened a few weeks before my mother died, but I didn't find out until after. In any case, we made plans for me to stay at her house before my trip home, and I'm there now. The husband is out of the house.
Our conversations have been really therapeutic, her discussing her impending divorce and me discussing the death of my mother. It's been really nice. I'm not sure exactly when I'm returning to my regular life, but it's probably sometime within the next week but there's no rush.
So now she's separated from her husband, which is something I've been wanting to happen for a few years now. I am relatively certain that she will not go back to him.
She's mentioned to me that she is interested in another man (not me), but that this man was not the explicit cause of her separation - it's more like the man expressed an interest in her, and that made her realize that she didn't have to be with the husband. Apparently she's been hanging out with this new guy, but I don't think they've really fooled around or anything - she seems to want to get the divorce finalized before she does anything like that. I can't know any of this for sure, though. She could be screwing his brains out and just not telling me. I met the guy, and he seems like kind of a toolbox, but then again, I think all of her ex-boyfriends have been toolboxes.
Lastly, I have mentioned to her in the past that I have romantic feelings for her. She said she did for me as well, but at the time, she was "happily" married and I felt like it would be bad to pursue anything. It's possible that she doesn't feel that way about me any more, it's not something that we've talked about recently. And it seems to mysteriously have not come up since I've been staying at her house.
So what do I do? The way I see it, I have a few options:
1. Jump in her bed now and, well, you know.
2. Wait until her divorce is finalized.
3. Remain platonic. This seems like the "right" thing to do, and I feel like she's been mentioning this other guy primarily to get me to not try anything. She has said she just has a "crush" on him, and that she doesn't think it will amount to anything serious. As long as I have been waiting for this girl to become available, I could wait until this fling is over. I am pretty sure it won't be anything, but you never know. Also I still don't know if this girl is really interested in me. I think I may have been permanently put in the "friend zone."
Some of my friends have been telling me to pull the "wah, my mom just died, how about some pity sex" card, but I think that's rather crass.
What's the classy thing to do? Feel free to email me at email@example.com.