Dating Protocols!!!

January 8, 2009 11:24 AM

When one is dating multiple people and decides to settle down or be exclusive with one person...how does one go about telling the other people you are dating that you will no longer date?

My brother is dating three women at the same time.....he had been away in school until last year and when he returned he found himself with lots of time and money to go out and he is trying to make the best of it.

Until recently he wasnt involved sexually with any of the ladies....they would just go out, hang out, dance and have fun. In his own words sometimes they would make out and that would be it......However in the last three weeks he started having sex with one of them and he told me he enjoys her company a lot and would like to make her "his" girlfriend?

He is also worried about the reaction of his other lady friends....he enjoys their company and even though he doesnt like them in "that way" and does not want to date them any longer...he would like to either be friends with them or at least be able to talk to them if he saw them in the streets.

Since I havent really been in that situation I would like to ask the guys and gals of this site how they've done it and if it is not possible for them to remain friends...... what is the best way for my brother to convey the situation?

posted by The1andonly to human relations (13 comments total)

I've been there. You tell the others in a straight-forward manner that you've met someone, want to give it a shot with him/her, and are glad to have had the pleasure of their (the other's) company. Generally, if they haven't made gestures that suggest they were themselves interested in exclusivity, they aren't, really. It's nice to be sensitive about these things, but many people date more than one person these days - there's no need to flatter oneself into thinking it will devastate these other ladies.
posted by namesarehard at 11:30 AM on January 8 [2 favorites]

Well, there's one important thing that you haven't told us. Do all 3 of his lady friends know that he was dating 3 people at the same time?
posted by theichibun at 11:31 AM on January 8

The one he is going to be exclusive does know....I guess him and her are a little bit closer....with the other two they only asked him if he was single around the time they met (around 2 months ago) since then he is just kept it light and casual and they havent asked.....but judging from the way he acts I am not sure it would be a great surprise....
posted by The1andonly at 11:56 AM on January 8

I don't think there's any reason to mention the new girlfriend.

I would just say "hey, it was fun to spend time with you and you're great, but from now on I'd rather be friends."

I would say it on the phone, and I would hurry the hell up and do it before they rely on him for potential weekend-y plans/drunken phone calls.
posted by sondrialiac at 12:20 PM on January 8 [5 favorites]

Oh, and if they take it well I would also follow up within about a month or so and invite them to something that is undeniably friendly but NOT romantic. Think group of friends, during the day. That'll keep them in the friend loop if that's really where he wants them.
posted by sondrialiac at 12:21 PM on January 8 [1 favorite]

He should write a respectful email to the other two saying that he has started up a relationship with someone he's been casually dating for a while and that he would like to continue things but it's just bad timing and he'd like to remain friends etc. That way he gives the impression the woman he actually likes just had first dibs. Actually this works even if he isn't dating anyone seriously and just wants to end it with someone without fallout. Women I date write me this letter all the time, and it makes me feel just great! Haha! Ha!
[/life]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:23 PM on January 8 [1 favorite]

This is called "breaking up". No matter how tactful he is.
posted by muddgirl at 12:29 PM on January 8 [1 favorite]

The reasoning behind avoiding the "she just had first dibs!" thing is that it leaves the impression that there is still a possibility of them getting together once this girlfriend is out of the way.

Example, my partner said this to a girl who spent the next 6 months being his "friend" because she had the impression that she was next up to bat, so to speak. It was an awkward situation for all of us and my partner basically had to break up with her AGAIN because he really just wasn't interested.
posted by sondrialiac at 12:36 PM on January 8

"it leaves the impression that there is still a possibility of them getting together once this girlfriend is out of the way."

Yes, well. That's either a drawback or it isn't, if you see my point.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:42 PM on January 8 [2 favorites]

Miko's much-favorited advice here should help. I think her comment is a masterpiece.
posted by ferdydurke at 4:05 PM on January 8

Be careful with this one. If the "girlfriend" hears that he's still hangin with the other chicks, she has to potential to be pissed.... Maybe she doesn't have a right to be pissed if he's not sleeping with the other girls, but he should know the potential exists for her to get really angry.
posted by bananafish at 4:20 PM on January 8

Like Mud says, it's breaking up.

Look, if you are dating more than one person, you just don't go on and on, accumulating, until they break up with you. Sometimes it gets to the point where there isn't point for one or both of you.

Telling people something they don't want to hear should be done in person. However, if you send a message that says you "want to talk" and they respond with fears of dumping, pick up the phone and tell them, closer to in-person, that, indeed, it's just not working for you.

Do not explain the break up as another person. If you are serious about someone else, don't lie.

And do not make out with someone you just dumped.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:33 PM on January 8

I have to second muddgirl--it's breaking up, and there's no two ways about it. It's never easy, but it is simple. "I'm sorry, but I this isn't working for me. If you'd like to stay friends, I'm down with that, but I'll understand if you don't."

Also?

Eponysterical.
posted by tzikeh at 7:08 PM on January 8