Desire in a LDR

January 8, 2009 8:50 AM

How do I not get mopey with no loving?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6-7 months. We're doing a ldr for a year starting this month. We do talk and I've seen all the threads on stuff to do while in a ldr. I've never been in an ldr in which my partner is across the country from me. Before I did ldr's where I got to see them on the weekends.

But I didn't see anything about... suppressing one's desire for sex with the SO for the time being... I'm worried that I'm getting mopey/depressed without any time of sensual/sexual stimulation from him. Even with masturbation, it's not really him. He doesn't seem to be into phone sex, or dirty emails or texts. So how do I squelch this urge? It's most bothersome at night, right before bed. I got so used to sleeping next to him, it's now a let down goind to bed without him. Is this normal for the first few weeks?

I do plan on seeing him around May/June, but I didn't know exactly what to do until then. I don't want to sit and mope every night without him, but some days that's all I want to do. I love him dearly and I want this to work. We can't shorten the time because I need a year to get done the things I want to do.

How do I not want sex for a year? And so it's clear, I'm not worried about cheating, I want to be intimate with my SO, not some random guy.

posted by anonymous to human relations (9 comments total)

Phone sex. Also, a week before seeing each other, stop masturbating and let the visit be a vent for pent up excitement.

(Stay strong, you can do this!)
posted by piratebowling at 8:55 AM on January 8

"He doesn't seem to be into phone sex, or dirty emails or texts." Have you asked him? have you said 'This would help me get through not having you next to me to touch me?'
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:57 AM on January 8

Everyone feels stupid having phone sex for the first, I don't know, million times.

After a year, y'all will be experts, and able to say the filthiest things without blushing.

I been there, girl. And let me tell you, without my phone card, I would have gone straight crazy.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:03 AM on January 8 [2 favorites]

I'd try asking about phone/cyber sex again, if that's something you're interested in. Otherwise, see if he'll help you select a few sex toys you can enjoy in his absence. Knowing he picked them out with you in mind might make them a little sexier and make it feel like your masturbation includes him more. (It might also be kind of hot for both of you to explore.) Not to mention, new toys might be a great distraction for you.
posted by juliplease at 9:05 AM on January 8 [1 favorite]

When we were long distance, my husband and I would browse adult sites together while talking on the phone (sending links via IM). My husband isn't really into phone sex or dirty emails either, but like the overwhelming majority of men, he does like porn (and sex toys!). So this worked out well and often segued into some interesting conversations. Plus - GET WEBCAMS!!!!!! Send him erotic pics of yourself (not totally nude, just teasing - like in lingerie or a wet t-shirt) and ask for the same from him.
posted by desjardins at 9:18 AM on January 8

LDR, SO also not into phone or cyber sex. The desire to have sex certainly never goes away, but daily or near-daily masturbation will help keep your mind off things. No, it's not really him. This is, essentially, why long distance relationships suck. Writing loving or sexy letters or emails help me otherwise, but I'm serious about taking your sexual needs into your own hands, so to speak.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:21 AM on January 8

Yes, it's normal to miss sleeping with him, takes a little while to get used to. I agree masturbation is not the same thing as sex.

Nor is a pet the same as having him there with you in the evenings, however i would suggest that having would give you some love and company for those evenings when you're at home.

Exercise helps, just stimulation of the body I suppose.

Maybe try to see him before May? Obviously money is a factor in everything, but maybe you could meet halfway somewhere for a weekend? Even if you stay in a dive, it wouldn't matter.

Try and make plans with your good friends and family so you don't get lonely.
posted by Penelope at 9:40 AM on January 8

Chocolate. Seriously.

Also, talking about phone sex before it happens makes it decidedly...unsexy. It should ideally be free flowing and somewhat spontaneous. You're on the phone, it's late at night, you tell him you miss him, you ask what he'd do if he were there, etc...
posted by gnutron at 10:09 AM on January 8

Personally, I find phone sex off-putting (and "cyber sex" so unappealing that I feel compelled to put it in quotation marks), so I sympathize with his lack of interest in that option. Sexy photos are great, but make sure you really, really trust him -- the internet is full of photos sent in loving confidence, now available for anyone to look at.

My suggestion is to figure out a way to see each other a lot more frequently than every six months. Every six weeks is much, much better. I know, budgets are tight, etc, but if you watch airline fares carefully it is possible to get across the US for surprisingly cheap. Even a three day trip (one day flying, two nights there, and leaving at 4 am on the third day) beats the best phone sex ever by many orders of magnitude, and you only need to miss one day of work or classes to be able to do it.

If you make visits the number one priority -- more important than eating out, buying new clothes, or buying DVDs -- I think you will find that the money is there. Even if the best you can manage is every three months, that is more than twice as good as every six months.
posted by Forktine at 10:35 AM on January 8 [4 favorites]