Drought conditions; praying for rain

January 7, 2009 5:26 PM

I'm 23 years old, male, and have not been in a relationship, nor had any of physical activity with the opposite sex (much less sex itself), for over five years. This is starting to affect the rest of my life, and I don't know how to fix it.

I followed my high school girlfriend to college, got promptly cheated on and dumped in the first semester - and ever since then, I haven't been able to get anything going romantically in my life.

I never really adjusted to college, instead choosing to graduate three semesters early and get to know myself, so to speak.

Now I'm 23, living in a new-ish city, working full-time, and I can't figure out for the life of me how I'm supposed to meet women here. I have a very small social circle, my roommates, their friends and a few ex-colleagues mostly, and they don't hang out with many girls either. I've tried online dating and never seem to get any responses.

For reference, I'm not particularly socially awkward (although I'm clearly not great with women), I'm not fat, I dress well, and I'd say I'm probably a 6 or a 7 on the 10 scale. I have a good, professional job that requires me to be personable and people-savvy. Just to get the basement-nerd scenario out of everyone's heads. I'm convinced that my problem isn't some innate fear of women, it's just that I've never really figured out how to meet people outside of work, where romantic stuff is generally frowned upon.

I'm not going to lie, this drought of mine is starting to affect my professional life - I feel inordinately tense and snappy, and a recent stressful period at work affected me much more than it did everyone else. Life, especially during the winter for some reason, just seems kind of empty without something romantic going on - I don't even have any prospects.

So, I guess, how did you get over your hangups and find someone to date? How did you meet new people in a new city? Any help to these would be much appreciated.

posted by anonymous to human relations (25 comments total)

meetup.com is still around, and there's always the reverse of the advice I give to my straight female friends (I tell them to try role-playing games and whatnot, so I'd tell you to try book clubs, Japanese cooking/bookbinding/etc. classes, and learning to knit :P). University extension courses or community college classes, museum and university lecture series, etc. can be good places to make friends too (and I really would approach it as making friends, or you'll drive yourself crazy). If you're liberal and in the US, check out Moveon.org's listing of upcoming Inauguration Day parties. Try new things that intrigue you, even if they're a bit scary, or do things you already like, mind you; don't force yourself to do things you know you hate in the hopes of meeting some chick. That'll just backfire.

Anyway, good luck!
posted by wintersweet at 5:43 PM on January 7 [2 favorites has favorites]

if you're in a city, the online dating sites are not a terrible idea.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:48 PM on January 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

I was in a similar situation as you a couple years ago (same age too). Post-college, little social life outside a small bubble.

Two things had a massively positive effect on my social life (and ultimately romantic life). One, I joined a twenty-something's group at a local church. I think in part due to my location in Silicon Valley (high chance of people in the same field as me), this helped me meet a ton of people with similar interests and provided a "ready made" social event schedule due to activities shared over an email list. Also, the gender ratio in groups like that is usually pretty even, which is good for the whole romantic possibilities angle. ;)

I suppose if you aren't particularly religious, that might not be the best avenue, but you might still have good luck at some of the more liberal churches like Unitarians.

Second, I got serious about doing online dating. When I first started messing around with it, I got absolutely nothing in terms of responses or activities. After a while, I started putting up profiles on a number of different sites and eventually paid for a subscription on Match.com. The biggest thing I learned with online dating was to write my profile in such a way that someone might actually want to date me. I focused on my interests and what hobbies I was working on, and I tried to be clear about the kind of things that I was interested in (I wanted someone who liked to do outdoors stuff, but enjoyed reading as well, etc.) Get specific, and do your best to bright, positive, and witty where possible.

After a few revisions, my "hit" rate of responses and out-of-the-blue message went up noticeably. Just don't expect the first profile you throw together to be great.

Anyway, ultimately, I met my girlfriend through Match.com, and we've been happily together for the last year or so. So yes, it's doable, but it takes effort and a bit of luck. :)
posted by Allenthar at 5:55 PM on January 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'd suggest joining a club. A) You'll meet potential partners or dates B) you'll also be able to develop your social skills a bit, and C) you will be living life a bit more.

Since, at 23,you're not that old, you could always join a club at your local college (colleges tend to have a greater variety of clubs).

There's also volunteering, but the main thing is to somehow get out and enjoy life and meet people doing something you are interested in.

If you find a club or social circle you like, you could try dating. Try asking women out for coffee, or lunch or dinner. While you should be clear that you're not looking to be "just friends", you can ratchet down the pressure to hook up and have sex.

Instead, go on dates (preferably with different women) to enjoy their company, and to learn how to talk to, and flirt with, women, and enjoy their company.

Perhaps there will be chemistry and you will hook up, but if that doesn't happen, well, that's okay, because, even if you could hook up with women at will and dated a lot of them, it's kind of gross.

I think the point right now is learning how to interact with women and enjoying their company for the next 6 months or so.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:27 PM on January 7

I'm with Allenthar in suggesting that you give the online dating thing another shot, focusing on putting together a really great profile. You wouldn't believe how many guys put up half-ass profiles with two poorly constructed sentences and one dark unflattering pictures. Put some thought into it. Post some nice pictures of yourself (without alcohol, cars, or women. Please do wear a shirt, though). Send messages to women that aren't pasted copies of the "hi how are u" variety. I bet with a little elbow grease, you'll start making connections and going on dates. And even if you don't find your dream woman right away, it's highly possible you'll make some very nice friends.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:34 PM on January 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

Have you considered grad school? I know it's not really the *right* reason to go back to school but it totally turned my social and romantic life around. I mean I didn't meet my soul mate or anything (although about 1/3 of my friends did) but i went on about 3 or 4 times the number of dates I did previously. It also greatly expanded my group of friends.

Also if you do the online dating thing, as other have said put some effort into your profile. And above all post a photo of you smiling!
posted by whoaali at 6:45 PM on January 7

I think KokuRyu has the right idea. If you want to improve your chances in attracting romantic or even friendly interest, live settings are better. Delve into and define your interests. Check the library or book stores for book clubs, sign up cooking or art classes at your local CC, join a gym or YMCA, volunteer for a charity you believe in. You could go to concerts, galleries, local fairs and festivals. If you feel your circle of friends is a bit limited, you have to meet other people and there are tons of ways to do that.

The bottom line is that girls are attracted to guys who have something going on in their lives: interests, hobbies, activities. Developing those those things is also great for you regardless of romantic possibilities. It's a win-win. Either you get to learn more about something that interests you or you get to let someone else learn what's interesting about you, or both. It sounds like you could use some fresh input in your life. Find something you enjoy, and ladies will see the satisfaction and confidence that comes from self-discovery.
posted by ashabanapal at 7:23 PM on January 7

First of all know that you aren't alone. Lots of people, especially after moving to a new city, find themselves in a lifestyle in which it's difficult to meet people. You get into your daily and weekly routine. The inertia carries over and can be difficult to change. Everyone does this to an extent and it's not all bad; if things are going good for you, you likely won't want to change.

You should focus on breaking that inertia. Start doing different things with your free time. Perhaps most importantly, seek out the activities and things you love doing. Want to paint pictures, race cars, go fishing, but have never done it yet? Do it, and it's likely you'll find others--eventually--who either share that hobby or are interested in it. The key is to make your life as full as you want it to be, and friendships and romance will fall into place after that.

As a motivator, watch "Groundhog Day." No, really.
posted by zardoz at 7:36 PM on January 7

You mentioned online dating, but not what site. If you haven't tried it already, try okcupid, it's free and I've heard of several success stories (relationships started, no marriages, but everyone I know is young).
posted by Brian Puccio at 8:09 PM on January 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

You're falling into a tough spiral where your lack of success is fostering more of a lack of self confidence which in turn inhibits your success...

You need to take pro-active steps in being more extroverted. Try talking to 3 girls every day. It can be as lame as "do you know what time it is" on the metro, or "sorry, do you know where the bread aisle is....hah, cheers" in the grocery store. It'll help thaw your aversion to approaching women. Seeing you missed the easy zone, aka college where awkward social interaction is mitigated by copious drinking, you'll have to put the burden on your shoulders.

After a few petty small lines that aren't meant to go anywhere in terms of dating, try to move onto holding a decent conversation. Do that for another week or so.

Once comfortable with that scenario, try and ask a girl out. Once you are comfortable doing this in a non-threatening public setting, you can try and begin to try and translate that into socially active settings such as bars/clubs/happy hour. Don't dive into that head first...

Baby steps,

good luck
posted by stratastar at 8:13 PM on January 7

When you have gone a very long time without any sex, it starts to become a Very Big Deal. Then, there's all this pressure on you that you have to have it, and it takes over your life.
It's not a big deal. Get drunk. Hook up with someone you won't regret horribly (be safe). Once you've broken your 'streak,' it'll be easier to get back into the game.
posted by tumbleweedjack at 8:45 PM on January 7

I had a dry spell from the start of college thru age 24 (what's that, 6 years?). I stressed about it for a long time, then just...realized that masturbation was a lot less work, and without a relationship, I had more time becoming who I wanted to become. About that time, the lowered stress level from that realization allowed me to be comfortable enough to get laid.
posted by notsnot at 8:56 PM on January 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

Let's be harsh (because I honestly believe it will help):

You sound boring.

Pretend I'm a woman. Reading the above explaination makes me yawn. Oh a 6 or a 7? Fabulous... but what do you DO? What was the last book you read? Ever been to Mount Kilimanjaro? Gone cow tipping? Touched a hippopatamus?

Your problem is an age old one. "How do I meet people?" Wrong question. Decide what you like to do first, without the weight of social interaction. Then start doing it. It's amazing the people you will meet who like doing the same things.

Case in point: I like backpacking. It sounds like a terrible thing to do to make friends or meet women (being quasi-alone in the woods and all), but you actually meet lots of people at stores when you're buying new wool hiking socks for the cold, in the parking lot before you set out for an over-nighter, on the trail, and even just in every day life ("Hey is that a Go-Lite bag?")

Stop putting the social interaction first. Put the actual fun stuff first, and the social interaction will come on its own.
posted by phrakture at 9:23 PM on January 7 [8 favorites has favorites]

I think you are in a bad age zone (a lot of people +/-5 years of your age are working on their "serious" college relationship, the one that will either turn into their first (and hey, let's hope only) marriage or else their first serious grown-up break-up (i.e. have to move and/or divide significant property). By focusing on getting out of school you probably restricted your potential social network as well, which is important because post college you mostly meet people via your network.

So one thing to consider is, don't just focus on "how do I meet eligible girls," focus on "how do I expand my network." Tags are your friends in this area of AskMe, here is an obvious one, but look also on that page to the multitalented "Friends Tag." Related tags are your key tool; that + sign clicks to posts tagged with both. These questions have been discussed A LOT here.

I'll also say that from being relatively rare, it has become commonplace among my friends that new relationships started through online dating. If you're not getting ANY responses online you are doing something wrong (I've seen so many personal ads out there that are like "Hi, I'm a normal guy, I like to hang out, something casual or maybe more okay later"). I bet if you asked some of the nicer advocates of online dating via MeMail to critique a profile they'd be happy to do so discreetly, everybody loves a project. And here's the obligatory mention that Metafilter people routinely organize regional meetups over in the MetaTalk section.
posted by nanojath at 9:23 PM on January 7

Two suggestions that have worked for me in the past:

Learn to dance - then get out there and have fun. Try a few different styles (swing, salsa, latin, hip hop, etc.) then choose a favorite and find some clubs.

craigslist - the trick is to respond to the ads you see and respond with a letter - meaning at least a few hundred words and a few paragraphs. Sound like a lot? She'll think so - and if she's taken the time to write about herself, she'll expect the same in return.

Meeting people in bars is fine, but I'll chat up someone almost anywhere - on an ice skating rink and while waiting in line to check out at the grocery store are two favorites. No corny openers - just 'is that orange juice any good?' or 'six 12-packs? What kind of fun party are you throwing?' OK, a little silly, but a smile never hurts either! Good luck :)
posted by chrisinseoul at 9:24 PM on January 7

There are a LOT of good suggestions here (especially throwing yourself into online dating), but I think the key point is the internal pressure.

The "no sex curse" is a beast that takes on its own life. And the longer you live with it, the bigger it grows, throwing pressure into every social interaction and just generally making you self-defeating. Women can smell desperation like dogs and bees can smell fear.

Here's what I would do if I were you (or if I had a time machine to go back to when I was 23, because I had the same problem):

Keep at on-line dating, because I know from experience that it works. 23 is a tough age for it. It's optimal for people at least 5 years older than you. But it can pay off. Treat it like your second job-- go for a profile that's slightly detached and irreverent (but avoid avoid avoid forced irreverency) and when you get home from work your next assignment after dinner is to write to girls and tweak your profile. This is the long-term objective.

In the short term, you are to find where the townie girls hang out, pick one of those bars and go there. Act confident, make small talk. Go to have fun. If you're decent looking and have a decent job (and I believe you when you say that you're fine on both counts), you'll do well. DON'T OVER ANALYZE anything and don't put too much effort into any particular girl. You're thee because you can get laid there and you need to, in order to build some confidence. If you don't get any nibbles your first couple of tries, don't worry. You're going to get laid by being confident. Your primary weapon is not giving a shit. Hanging out with townies might not be your best time in a perfect world. This is not a perfect world-- it's a world where you have the no sex curse. Detachment and distance are part of the game. Intimacy will come when you've got your confidence back.

So pick up bad girls, realize fully that getting laid is easy, and go on dates with girls who are more your type from online dating. By then you won't be the desperate mess that you are now. You'll be confident, and sex will be secondary to getting to know the girl but a fantastic side effect. That's best.
posted by Willy Wombat at 9:55 PM on January 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

I've heard of several success stories (relationships started, no marriages, but everyone I know is young)

I am one of those success stories. I sent my girlfriend a message because OkCupid said we were 83% compatible. That was three years ago, and we're getting married this summer.
posted by Deathalicious at 12:14 AM on January 8

There's a ton of helpful advice above. On a slightly different note:

I feel inordinately tense and snappy, and a recent stressful period at work affected me much more than it did everyone else. Life, especially during the winter for some reason, just seems kind of empty

I'm wondering if your new city is in the northern US and the winter itself is getting to you? Removing the dating-drought from the equation, living in a new city with harsh winters, a stressful job, and no established network of friends is hard. I was 23 during my first winter in Chicago and working 50-hour weeks at a job I hated, and after work I would just go home and sleep every night because I was just. so. depressed.

Dry spells certainly contribute to funks like this, but relationships don't necessarily pull people out of them. So I'm wondering if your lack of dating success simply correlates to your funk rather than causing it, in which case you might consider looking into treatment for depression. Your statement that you never really adjusted to college and you left to try to "get to know yourself" has me wondering, too.

It's my seventh year of winter in this city. After many failed attempts at dating, some of which were more trouble than they were worth, I am in the best relationship of my life (and yes, we met on okcupid). However, what really keeps me from slipping into that dark place in the winter is a combination of antidepressants, exercise, a bright lamp at my desk, and generally keeping myself busy and healthy. The boyfriend helps, but he can't pull me out of depression by himself.

This isn't uncommon among recent college grads living in a big or new city, especially in winter, especially in a harsh dark winter. So I'm thinking your case might be similar. I wish you the best; know that it will get better.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:40 AM on January 8

I followed my high school girlfriend to college, got promptly cheated on and dumped in the first semester - and ever since then, I haven't been able to get anything going romantically in my life.

I suspect you are continuing to react to that. Get therapy to figure that out and go from there. The whole mating thing is actually built in and you just need to stop shutting it off.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:58 AM on January 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

Seconding chrisinseoul: Learn to dance - then get out there and have fun. Try a few different styles (swing, salsa, latin, hip hop, etc.) then choose a favorite and find some clubs.

Social/partnered dances like these are great because you get a lot of one-on-one interaction with a lot of people over the course of a night, especially the opposite sex. And it's usually pretty low pressure; it's not *strictly* about dating/making friends, but a lot of people there tend to be single and looking. You don't need to know anyone before you go; you'll switch partners practically every song. (In fact, if you're a little shy, I've found that going with a friend can hold you back from meeting new people.) Go regularly so that you will start to get to know the other regulars. That is an important element to finding and making friends or more-than-friends -- the repetition. It's hard to make friends if you never see the same people twice, unless you're really good at initiating follow-up contact outside of the context where you meet someone.

This is how I managed to transform my life from one with very few friends outside of work/roommates (and almost no one who I really, truly liked and clicked with) to one where I have a very vibrant social life with a lot of friends and even more fun acquaintances.

Classes or other clubs are great for this same reason.

(And although you've focused your Q specifically on dating, don't underestimate the importance of expanding your circle of friends. Not only will life feel more meaningful if you have people to share your life with, you're likely to meet dating prospects through your friends/acquaintances.)
posted by inatizzy at 7:38 AM on January 8

The answer to your question is to find a co-ed group of people that you like who meet regularly who are in your age range. Check out groups that fit that criteria. Here are some ideas of possible types of group (it would help if I knew what city you are in): hiking groups, volunteering groups (try one brick if they have it in your city or single volunteers), civic groups for younger people like the jaycees, church groups, cooking clubs, outdoor clubs (check out your local sierra club they often have specific age group hiking clubs), running clubs, biking clubs --- you get the idea. Go to meetup.org and find a meetup that fits your interest and age or check out craigslist and find a group. If you absolutely can't find one, than start your own! I've made a lot of friends and met my husband this way. Good Luck!
posted by bananafish at 9:46 AM on January 8

Nthing online dating sites - I found myself suddenly single after a move across the country and it was a great way to meet people (and also to weed people out).
posted by getawaysticks at 10:00 AM on January 8

stratastar has good advice. Unless you calm the self criticism and be your own wingman you're just going to handicap yourself. Also the advice about talking to women in general is good.

Otherwise, be Don Draper.
posted by muscat at 10:47 AM on January 8

Online dating.

Hey, we're not all great at picking up women... and I've found that even when I got better at meeting someone new and striking up enough conversation to ask her out for coffee, I still like online dating because you're both starting at the same place, more or less. You both know you're meeting for the sake of seeing if there's a spark. It's called online dating for a reason, and it can be a lot of fun.

Here's how to make online dating work for you:

Buy a digital camera and learn to use the timer. You need good pictures of yourself. It's not about proving you're Brad Pitt... you just need to show there's a face behind the words written in your ad. Don't take your picture in front of your car! And make sure you smile.

Write an interesting ad. Maybe tell a story, maybe write a list of things you enjoy. I've done both of those and had great luck. I once wrote a Dr. Suess style ad and met a few hilarious women that way. Different words attract different women - but you know what works the best? Good old fashioned honesty. Whatever you do, don't write a negative ad. It's amazing how many people do that. Thy write about how lonely they are or how much of a loser they are, and they write lists of negatives too: "Don't reply if you're this / don't bother if you're that." Ask yourself: "What is it about me that women would find attractive?" The answer is the basis for the ad you'll write.

Don't swap too many emails, and don't ever expect someone who replies to be The One. Too many emails is a trap because you don't end up meeting in person - or, when you do meet, it becomes too awkward because the expectations are too high. Once you've swapped a few emails and maybe a phone call, suggest meeting.

Meet in a public place. I'm a fan of meeting for a drink. Maybe a cup of coffee... maybe a beer or glass of wine. Dinner is too formal, and movies are too much time spent not talking (and not in a good way!), but a drink is perfect. You chit-chat for a little while to see if there's any chemistry. Another good idea is to meet for a walk. I live in a pedestrian city, so it's easy to meet downtown and go for a walk on a nice day... maybe to the river, maybe to a pub. I once had a first date where we walked for miles. It was around the 3rd mile where she said "did I mention I'm training for a marathon?" It was a great date!

Dating is like anything else... with practice, you can get good at it. And you'll be surprised by the people you'll meet along the way. I've met a few absolute psychos! That's for sure! But I've also met some of the most fantastic women ever. My experiences have been far more good than bad.

Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 12:26 PM on January 8 [3 favorites has favorites]

This won't help until the spring, but... is there a kickball league in your city? Any casual coed sport would be good for meeting people but in my opinion, kickball is the best because its's impossible to take yourself too seriously while playing! It tends to be focused on socializing -- when I moved to anew city, I joined a league and made many friends of both genders, and ended up w/ current bf after dating a number of kickballers. You can find a league at kickball.com.
posted by saturngirl at 3:40 PM on January 8