Everybody was paint ball fighting

January 7, 2009 2:03 PM

I'm seeking your thoughts and experiences with the sport of paintball. My 13 year old son has recently developed a keen interest in paintball after taking a trip with me, his uncle, and a friend to an outdoor paintball place. We all had an awesome time, and my son is now enthusiastic to the point of obsession about the prospect of buying a paintball gun.

His mother and I are fine with our son playing the game occasionally--well supervised, with a family member or friend and the right equipment--but he would like to make a bigger commitment to the activity by purchasing equipment. We have some reservations about this, mostly revolving around making important purchases that require a commitment (especially when excited), about the impact on his schoolwork; his mom has especially strong reservations about the war-like aspects of paintball as well.

Our son is ADHD and has trouble following directions. In a potentially dangerous activity like paintball, participants should be capable of listening to intructions without need of repetition, and following them. My son has a consistently hard time with this in all arenas--from homework to housework to sports. During paintball, he was given a couple of warnings by the referees about removing his protective mask before taking that instruction to heart.

Once he makes a commitment to paintball by buying the equipment, he'll have an expectation that it will become a regular part of his life. There are some money issues with that prospect, but also, there's the larger issue relating to how we, his parents, would like to see him spending his time. He doesn't have a firm grasp on his eighth grade schoolwork--it is a continuous struggle to make sure he's getting his assignments written down and completed. Even with lots of support at school, he is still only squeaking by--we'd like him to show some academic discipline. Prior to paintball, we'd like to see him using his time to take a disciplined interest in music, karate, yoga, hiking, skiing, art, etc--all of which he has interest and experience in.

My son is on a veritable crusade to convince us that it's a worthwhile idea for him to invest in paintball equipment (which he wishes to purchase, used, with his own money made by shovelling neighbors' walkways among other odd jobs). I personally am leaning more toward buying the paintball "marker"; at the same time, I will not overstep his mother's wishes if she ultimately decides against his purchasing a gun. My own leanings toward facilitating a paintball-gun purchase makes his mother feel that I am not working with her on this. So, we would like to see a compromise, but we having a hard time working with each other to create a satisfactory one.

Has anyone else struggled with this issue with their teenager? How do you feel about paintballing, and its impact on kids who play it?

posted by not_on_display to grab bag (21 comments total)

It sounds to me like you are doing an excellent job of navigating the issue. My own son was interested in it, and remains so, at a comparable age. He does not have ADHD and is usually pretty good at following directions, but like all his peers is forgetful, so I worried about getting his lights put out -- I would be too, if I were you. Perhaps you could consider establishing a threshold of N paintball sessions without need for referee intervention before he can get equipment.

I have not had to fight the equipment fight, principally because in our area the hassle and fees associated with just playing the game are considerable -- and my son knows it's on his tab.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 2:13 PM on January 7

Sounds like good exercise, he'll learn some team work (andfollowing directions), nnd he'll run off his nervous energy. Wish I could done this at his age.
posted by orthogonality at 2:18 PM on January 7 [1 favorite]

He's only been once. Why not let him spend his money on going and hiring equipment and if he still wants to go after the (say) 5th (10th?) time, you will make some offer to replace some of the money he has spent on renting toward buying stuff. If he shows a commitment in terms of his time, then he gets to invest in making his time easier/better. That is a much better way of 'earning it' to me. Also, just scheduling and 'you can't go if your homework isn't done' may well be a good incentive to get him to buckle down.

That, to me, is possibly the cheapest way of finding out if this will get out of his system. He may tire of it after a couple of goes, but if he really wants to do it, it is not as 'war-mongering' as it appears you are concerned about.

As for safety, it really isn't that dangerous by any means. If he managed to get the mask importance down fairly quickly that is really the only way he can get hurt other than running into something that will result in the sort of injury that may be likely to happen in something physical like Karate.

anecdote: (I went over Christmas, and three people got warned for removing their masks. None has ADHD, and only one was under 30...).

It isn't really 'buying a gun', and I really don't think it is likely to foster a gun-culture in anyone that wouldn't have developed the fascination anyway - the emphasis in paintball is the lack of consequences and the physical challenge of besting people. Much like any other sport, really. To use your example of Karate again, I see no reason why you should look at paintball this way, yet not be concerned about Karate making him want to beat people up all the time.
posted by Brockles at 2:18 PM on January 7 [4 favorites]

> We all had an awesome time

there's your answer, no? Make it an occasional family activity like ice skating and whatnot and not a weekly thing.

Playing paintball back in 1991 was one of the funnest things I've ever done but over-investing in any activity is a mistake since the world is big & broad.
posted by troy at 2:20 PM on January 7

This may present a perfect opportunity to teach your son that a privilege comes with associated responsibilities.

When a child is facing difficulty developing strong learning habits, a motivator is frequently hard to find. In this case, fortune has dropped a motivator in your laps. Spend some time learning about the sport, and its associated safety rules and requirements, then impress upon your son that the only way he's going to participate is if he learns these guidelines and follows them rigorously.

When you've all educated yourselves about the sport, do what we had our daughters do when they were begging us for a puppy: sign a contract. Put in writing exactly what will be expected of your son, what will be the consequences if there are lapses in safety or an inability to follow the rules.

Good luck, and I hope this will be a positive experience for all of you.
posted by dinger at 2:23 PM on January 7

During paintball, he was given a couple of warnings by the referees about removing his protective mask before taking that instruction to heart.

Just to go back to this, and the safety aspect of it, I went with my girlfriend, her 3 kids and some of her family members. I found myself constantly reminding the kids to keep their fingers off the triggers and to keep their masks on. Even so, one of them (14 years old) ran over after a game and shot a paintball as he ran from holding the gun with the trigger. As mentioned, all of us, at one stage over a full day, forgot to put our masks on at the appropriate moment, and 2 adults were warned at one stage - it's easy to get caught up in it.

Just so you know, any kid gets so excited at this sort of activity and at that age has no real concept of why it is dangerous to not have your mask on when it appears no-one is really shooting at them. This is not something to blame on ADHD as much as kids just getting OMGEXCITED at paintball or an equivalent. It's so easy to be doing that the consequences are hard to get across as the idea of negligent discharge from someone tripping while walking back after a game is really hard for any kid to take seriously. It's obvious to them to keep it on when someone is shooting at them, not so much when they consider it 'over'. I think you are too concerned about this aspect, to be honest.
posted by Brockles at 2:25 PM on January 7

I would recommend researching paintball fields that are extremely strict about protective gear. There are lots out there. I remember one game where I was alone in a creek bed, no one around for 20 yards, and I pulled up my mask to scratch an itch. A ref immediately called me out, which annoyed the hell out of me as a 24 year old, but I didn't raise the mask a second time all day.

Find a restrictive/conservative field the further away the better. When your child follows rules and instructions he gets to play at a local field, when he violates the rules he agrees to follow he has to play at a field a long drive away so he has to go through more hassle and waste playing time getting there, until he shows that he can follow the rules and return to the local field.
posted by Science! at 2:32 PM on January 7

Does he do any other physical activities? Is he getting exercise?

I ask because I had zero interest in sports or physical activity throughout my childhood and adolescence. I was much happier tearing apart electronics, programming computers, and smoking ganja. As a result, I was (and am) chubby.

The one single physical activity I had any interest in was paintball. Which was shot down (heh) immediately by my mother for being too warlike. I did go a number of times and rent gear, but my mother forbade me to own anything that resembled a gun. And the rental fees quickly wiped out my paltry savings. I could have bought an inexpensive marker and facemask, and made enough cash to buy paint on a regular basis; instead, I had to pay something like $35 every time I wanted to play, even before paint. Also, I couldn't participate in any sort of organized competition without my own gear.

I'm not blaming my parents for my gut, but the fact that they nixed the one form of exercise I wanted to do certainly contributed to it. I'd take it up now if I didn't think I'd feel ridiculous playing against 14 year olds; I'm certainly not competitive against the people who've been doing it for a decade.

(BTW, my mother's plan of keeping me a pacifist by forbidding gun-like instruments backfired (heh). I now have a small arsenal of real firearms, regularly train with them, and carried one with me every day until I moved out of state and thereby lost my concealed carry license.)
posted by Netzapper at 2:50 PM on January 7 [1 favorite]

Why not link his continued participation in paintball to performance at school? Lots of parents do this sort of thing: "You get at least a B on that math test or you're not going to the track meet!" It can, with the right kid, put their desires for fun to work in a productive way. It can also completely backfire, so as with any parenting advice, it needs to be adapted for your own child, but it's totally worth considering.

As far as safety, your kid is as likely to break an arm/leg playing soccer, football, or track as getting seriously injured playing paintball. Here's an abstract indicating that there were just over 1200 paintball injuries treated in emergency rooms in 2000. Considering there are tens of thousands of people who play paintball numerous times per year, that's not bad, especially as most of them occurred in unsupervised situations where no safety gear was worn. For purposes of comparison, there were about 150,000 soccer-related injuries in selected years in the mid-nineties. If there are less than 125 times as many soccer players as paintball players, soccer is more dangerous.

Just about the only way of sustaining any serious injury playing paintball is getting pegged in the eye without protective gear. That or breaking your arm running in the woods. Getting hit at point-blank range is gonna leave a nasty welt, but you'll live, probably unscathed. People overestimate the risk because there are gun-like devices involved. It's pretty safe, if you don't mind getting hit.
posted by valkyryn at 3:06 PM on January 7

My nephew went through a paintball stage around that age. He and his friends were seriously into it for a summer or so, but then their money started to run out. It also was difficult to convince parents to drive them over to the paintball place whenever they wanted to go. Now his paintball gear gathers dust while he blasts away opponents in Gears of War instead.

My brother and sister-in-law had some initial reservations about the shooting and safety aspects, but in the end, they allowed him to have his fun*. His interest in it waned eventually, which I think is typical of kids - they try something for a while and then move on to something else.

One compromise could be to let him buy the gun with his own money, with the caveat that he is never allowed to use it (or even handle it?) unless he is at a paintball facility. In other words, he can't go around shooting at squirrels in the backyard, or waving it around his room pretending to shoot a sibling or the dog. Perhaps it even stays locked up when not in supervised use?

This despite dire predictions from both grandmas and a nervous auntie that surely an eye will be shot out.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 3:15 PM on January 7

I am a total pacifist who enjoys shooting guns. I also have an ADHD 15 year old brother who's into paintball, and a total sweetheart. I really don't think paintball is a particularly problematic activity, or fosters violence to a greater degree than video games or any of the other many semi-representational violent activities which seem to be the domain of boys. On the contrary, I would think the social milieu of paintball provides informative examples of the different ways violence, force and technology can be viewed and utilized. Some kids playing paintball will be hankering to sign up with the Marines and defend their country, and some will be anti-establishment and some will have given it no thought at all. This would definitely encourage your son to determine which sort of person he is in that regard. That's a good thing, right?

I would suggest supplementing the paintball hobby with the Karate, or a gun safety class, or anything you can conceive of that would encourage your son's respect for and control over his emerging power. I also like the idea of pairing it with school performance or behavior, or whatever he may need a little structure and encouragement to improve focus on.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:19 PM on January 7

Given that you describe it as "a good time was had by all" kind of experience, I'd advise you to hit a couple different fields in father and son mode and rent the local equipment. This gives him experience with a bunch of different gear and lets the new wear off the experience before he's dropping serious money on it.

I say this for a couple reasons: 1) I'm kind of ADD myself and know what it can be like when the new wears off. 2) The people you are playing with REALLY effects the quality of the experience. Unless you're playing exclusively with people you know, knowing what the local community looks like is kind of important. 3) It sounds like a tailor made father/son activity for your situation where there are rules that need to be followed, a strong team work element but is also high stimulus. 4) If he can participate without having to buy a gun he might be less likely to buy a gun that's "good enough" and find himself horribly under equipped and wanting a new better gun almost immediately. Of course, depending on the pricing structure you are up against, it may not take long to make buying your own gear worth it.

Also, before he buys a gun, I'd suggest a good mask. It doesn't matter how good your gun is if you can't see what you're shooting at and most fields tend to aim low in terms of safety equipment.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 3:48 PM on January 7

It occurs to me that if he can buy the paintball gear used, he can also sell the paintball gear used, so on the financial issue alone, this isn't an everything or all decision. Plus, you know, if he's all crazy for paintball now, spends his money and then loses interest, that's a worthy lesson its own, no?
posted by DarlingBri at 3:52 PM on January 7

Prior to paintball, we'd like to see him using his time to take a disciplined interest in music, karate, yoga, hiking, skiing, art, etc--all of which he has interest and experience in.

Why? I mean, I'm a pacifist who loves hiking and art but, for chrissakes, you can't control what he's interested in, and you shouldn't try to control his passions to this extent, as long as what he's doing is reasonable wholesome and not harming anyone. I have a feeling this is going to become a bigger problem as he gets older. Anyway, I really love Brockles' suggestion about rewarding his continued interest in the game so that it will be clear to all involved that this won't be just an impulse buy/desire.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:10 PM on January 7

My son was wildly addicted to it at about that age; he's also ADD. I finally gave in and got him a marker for Christmas one year and he took really good care of it. Then a friend and I took him to Georgia for a full immersion paintball roleplaying weekend (yeah, I know, I just camped out, took a day trip into Atlanta to the High and ignored them) and he had about the best time of his life. Not only that, he won best supporting player - and he was the youngest person there by quite a lot. He still has the trophy and the whole experience was wonderful for him.

For a while there he wanted to go pro (yes, there are pro paintball players, go figure) but this just sort of didn't happen and then, bit by bit, his interest kind of waned and now, at 17, while he says sometimes that he might like to go play paintball, he never really bothers. It came, it was good and then it went. Not everything is meant to be a lifetime commitment and overall our paintball experience was completely positive. Expensive, though. It's not cheap. Even if you own your own equipment the paint and the CO2 cartridges and the field fees mount up quickly and also, for us, it was a long drive to the paintball field and back again at the end of the day. That's one of the reasons why I never pushed him to keep on doing it when his interest began to fade.
posted by mygothlaundry at 5:31 PM on January 7

I agree with most of the above. If he likes paintball let him explore it, and you can tie either money or paintball participation to academic performance, but in my opinion that's not the major issue. The major issue that I see is that you and your wife may not be on the same page. The first priority should be to make sure you and her see eye to eye on this issue, otherwise you're going to have an upset son, or a pissed off wife, or both.
posted by forforf at 6:39 PM on January 7

Our son is ADHD and has trouble following directions. . .has a consistently hard time with this in all arenas--from homework to housework to sports.

People with ADHD that is properly regulated do not have trouble following directions in my experience.

He doesn't have a firm grasp on his eighth grade schoolwork--it is a continuous struggle to make sure he's getting his assignments written down and completed. Even with lots of support at school, he is still only squeaking by--we'd like him to show some academic discipline.

Your son may be trying very, very hard to succeed at these things. Please, consider that he is trying to be disciplined but that it may not look like it to someone who does not have ADHD.
posted by MLIS at 10:57 PM on January 7

Just my $.02 on the sport... It's fun, kids get exercise & work on "team building", and it's relatively safe (I looked into this last point extensively - it was surprising how much safer paintball is than other sports).
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 8:44 AM on January 8

Nthing the support for paintball -- heck, I'd rather my chilluns (when they become teens) playing paintball than many of the more violent video games. Exercise outside, teambuilding, adrenaline rush, limited chance of major injury...what's not to like? :-)

I do think, however, that a 13-year-old needs to have some guidance on the field of some sort; maybe this becomes a father/son activity, enjoyed on a scholastic performance basis?

My only other addition to the discussion is, a decent starter's rig of paintball gear is not that expensive. But, DON'T cheap out on the face protection. Get a full helmet -- trust me, as someone who had an eardrum punctured by a 1-in-1,000,000 paintball shot, I wish I'd had it then.

Good, rugged used guns like the Spyder Compact 2000 can be found for $50 on eBay; I still use that alongside my MR3 today.
posted by liquado at 10:19 AM on January 8

FOLLOW-UP! We ended up with a compromise: we'd allow him to buy the paintball marker with his own money and to use it if he steps up his grades and schoolwork, and takes a more proactive approach to doing chores around the house, getting to bed at a reasonable hour, etc.. We drew up a contract-type-document to explain the deal, and a chart to follow his progress. After an initial gnashing of teeth and negotiating, our son settled into this contract quite easily. We bought the paintball gun yesterday, and plan on going paintballing in mid-February, should he show effort in the said areas.

Thank you all for your answers; they all were a big help, and approached our issue from different angles.
posted by not_on_display at 9:03 AM on January 15

@not_on_display

That doesn't even sound like a compromise. It sounds like your son got exactly what he wanted, and you got exactly what you wanted. I'm glad everybody's happy.

Thanks for this post, by the way. It inspired me to get over my issues, and go ahead and play a game I've wanted to for years.

FedEx tracking says my paintball gear is to be delivered today, in fact.
posted by Netzapper at 12:21 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]