How do I become two-faced?

January 6, 2009 6:19 PM

How do I become two-faced?

I have this problem that what I feel is on my face before I know it and what I think is out my mouth (several people have confirmed the former). This is true in both personal and professional life. And we all know that people are simply not what they appear to be and whenever I find that out (esp in personal relationships) I am heartbroken every single time. I actually believe what people say and then cannot understand why the actions won't match the words. Are your friends and personal (important) relationships like this?? I want to be that diplomatic beauty queen (the evil side) who can flash a smile when its needed and give the answer that the other person wants to hear. So how do I become two-faced? I need to apply this especially in my professional life. Thanks in advance!

posted by xm to grab bag (14 comments total)

Personally, I think being upfront and honest and completely unfiltered is much preferred to the show most people put on about, well, everything.

So, DON'T DO IT! Stay exactly as you are!

But that's not what you asked. So, I'd say if you want to be able to say one thing and do another, try practicing in the mirror.

Say yes when you mean no, no when you mean yes. Learn how to say yes and no convincingly without reason, then branch out and practice saying things in your head like "I'm sorry, I'm busy" or "That's okay, I'm not mad".

Good luck
posted by big open mouth at 6:29 PM on January 6

Take some acting lessons.
posted by flug at 6:40 PM on January 6

Don't be two-faced - be diplomatic and non-committal. If someone asks you something you can't say anything nice to, say something like "I don't know anything about that." or "mm." or "what do you think?" Practice a serene look, relax your face in front of the mirror and then think about things you don't like. Note what changes, and work on that.
posted by b33j at 6:47 PM on January 6 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think the central issue here is that you are thinking of this as "evil" and "two-faced." Well, of course you don't want to do something you see as evil.

There's really nothing wrong with being careful about which thoughts and emotions you express - actually, within bounds, it's probably a healthy way to deal withe the world. I think the best way to approach this is NOT to try to change who you ARE, but change how you ACT in certain situations. So the next time someone pisses you off, step back fora second and try to keep from reacting right away. Just as a test. See how it feels. Not that you have to deny your upset emotions, or that you won't ever confront that person, but don't do it right then.

Try this for a few weeks and see how it feels. If you think you're becoming a doormat or a two faced schemer, then dial it back. But you might find it effective.
posted by lunasol at 6:49 PM on January 6

There are two separate problems here.

First, you find yourself surprised every time someone else doesn't openly present their real emotions. I can't think of a way to stop doing this except life experience; from your question it seems you're already getting disabused of this notion so I would expect this is a temporary problem.

The second, is that you find yourself unable to be manipulative in the same way. However it's a life skill to be able to temper what you show of your reactions. You don't need to be dishonest (smile when you are angry) but it might behoove you to be blank instead (e.g. not grimace when you are angry).

I am not a subtle person myself, have an expressive face and fidn that people generally know what I'm thinking, unless I go to great efforts. So I only apply it when the great efforts are needed.

But what you need to know is where I picked up the ability to do the great efforts. Honestly? Poker. Play some, or another game where you have to hide the truth. Face to face, because you're looking for control of your initial facial and body language reaction.

Also realize that at first, and maybe always, you will only be able to control your reaction on a temporary basis. Getting somewhere private where you can let it all out is your best bet for as long as this might be the case (just practice until you can control yourself long enough to make a semi-gracious escape).
posted by nat at 7:06 PM on January 6

Practice being no-faced first. When you can keep your honest emotions from jumping onto your face, THEN you can start thinking about putting dishonest emotions there.

Personally, I'm one-faced and I like it that way, though, and the further I get in life being honest, the more people seem to treat me well.
posted by davejay at 7:13 PM on January 6 [1 favorite has favorites]

I find that if you just nod and smile, and say things like "uh-huh", people will assume you agree with them. They project themselves onto your "blank canvas". This is useful in awkward social situations and probably at work, too. So don't work on being 'two-faced' work on being a blank which others can fill in. I have two modes: one-faced, which is me 99% of the time, and the blank slate that I use to get through gathering with my in-laws. (As far as other people not being genuine, and you being too trusting, well, work on that...as my high school history teacher used to say when "it's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust anyone." You might not want to go to his extreme, but take care of yourself.)
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:18 PM on January 6 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have the same problem and I really don't want to change who I am (even if I could) because I think the world needs more people like us, but then in order to function in the world I just try to listen more, take longer to say what I am going to say, put myself in the other person's shoes, find a way to stay true to my beliefs without hurting people, and if all else fails just say what is expected of me. I have learned through trial and error, mostly the latter, that people don't really want to hear honesty, even when they say they do. Learn compassion and let it guide you to saying what the situation calls for: diplomatic honesty or a white lie or a quick change of subject.

With regard to expressing emotions you might want to hide, I find it helps to realize that you don't have to take on the emotions that you are feeling, you can just notice that you feel that way, observing the emotion from a different perspective...you are not the emotion, it is simply visiting temporarily. It may take some practice to make that into a split second reaction but it will come. It might also help make sense of your feelings of disappointment when people don't live up to your expectations of them.

If you do find coping strategies to get you through a day at work or a cocktail party don't lose your ability to see and feel honestly because you will encounter people who like that in you, people who will know that you can be counted on to be honest when it really matters.

BTW, are you an Aries?
posted by kenzi23 at 7:27 PM on January 6

Another with a shades-of-gray perspective. An old line: Tact is the art of telling someone to go to hell and doing so in a way that they look forward to the trip. Doesn't feel two-faced to pursue a relatively tactful approach.

That aside, people can make their points--that, say, something strikes them as foolish beyond all hope, control and imagination--without being blunt. As you've probably noticed, when language gets nearer the real blunt realm, it usally takes a toll on the conversation's productivity.

As other people have noted, and I have gone down this road, definitely helps to try to remember to pause and take a breath before responding.
posted by ambient2 at 11:14 PM on January 6

I'm pretty happily one-faced. I get asked a lot of awkward questions at times in my professional life. Sometimes, it's because I can't say. Sometimes, it's because I have either promised someone I'd keep it under wraps (and feel myself that it's a good thing to keep quiet), or because I have a fiduciary duty to keep schtum.

I deflect it by being honest. Saying "look, you know I can't answer that question!" in a jokey, friendly way goes a long way towards pushing it back in the other person's court. Or "hey, I don't know if I want to hear that. Are you sure you want to tell me?" People are disarmed by honesty. They respect you for it as well. They may not like you all the time, but if they know you don't play nasty games, they will listen more when you do contribute and will know you're on board. You will gain the respect of people whose respect is hard to gather, and whose loyalty is worth having. Really.

People you can trust are hard to come by. People who smile and nod and backstab are a dime a dozen. Maybe this isn't a skill you really want to learn? Unless you're a professional poker player...
posted by Grrlscout at 6:08 AM on January 7

Are your friends and personal (important) relationships like this??

Yes, a few of them. One way to look at it: many people automatically hide or conceal their emotions because they got burned pretty badly when they didn't. I take it you never had a parent who yelled at/beat you for crying or were generally opposed to most forms of emotion? Many people have, sadly enough. Being "two-faced", as you say, is pretty deeply ingrained, especially for people who've had abusive or emotionally immature parenting. To you, wearing your heart on your sleeve may seem honest and forthright; to others, it seems almost dangerous.

I want to be that diplomatic beauty queen (the evil side) who can flash a smile when its needed and give the answer that the other person wants to hear. So how do I become two-faced? I need to apply this especially in my professional life. Thanks in advance!

First of all, it's usually not too much of a problem when your face reveals some sort of embarrassment or flaw about yourself, which normally would make you more endearing to most people. You can often use this as an opportunity to draw closer to other people. Like, "you know, that's something I'm struggling with" etc. If you are with coworkers/your boss, you can frame it in terms of "do you have any advice for me on how to improve myself in this area?" (Sorry about the dry language, substitute your own.)

Or is this not about you at all, but your opinions about the person who just told you something? Are you harboring negative judgement about them, or some opinion to the effect of "wow, you're such a loser/totally wrong" and it shows on your face?

If your judgmentalism is the case:

1) realize people who are "correct" about something actually don't need to feel judgmental about other people. Judgmentalism compensates for our insecurity about something and then some.
2) you need to stop judging other people so harshly, and learn to see how their own flaws are reflected in you
3) before you are able to do that, become more aware of your own thoughts and your feelings when interacting with people. Write a journal describing your interactions with people, and what was happening in your head, and what happened in your body as you interacted with them. Learn to become a neutral outside observer as you interact with people; have moments where you ask, "what would I be thinking if I were watching the both of us, right now?" This is the first step towards modifying automatic reactions.

Or perhaps your face/body reflects something else altogether. In which case more info would be appreciated.
posted by uxo at 7:23 AM on January 7

As other people have said, the first thing is to stop thinking of being diplomatic and polite as being "two-faced".
posted by dfan at 1:28 PM on January 7

Thank you everyone! I didn't think of being two-faced as seriously as some of the responses seem to suggest. I mean more like say what needs to be said rather than what you want to say? Tact would have been a better term for the question. So how on earth do I become more tactful (apart from pausing before responding)??
posted by xm at 6:54 PM on January 7

Practice being tight lipped - it's a habit which with enough effort you should be able to get the hang of. Then you can voice your opinion after a moment of though and consideration with tact and empathy for the other person.
posted by lilyflower at 11:30 AM on January 18