2009 was going to be a year of no more fighting

January 6, 2009 5:51 PM

(This is a long one) I am trying to get out of a terrible relationship that keeps pulling me back in.

I was seeing someone for several years. During that time, he was the care-giver for his elderly grandmother who was quite ill. Things were pretty difficult because of his job and care-giving responsibilities. He was always tired, grumpy, and regularly couldn't meet his financial obligations. I always wound up bailing him out and he owes me thousands and thousands of dollars now. As things went on, I could see that he was not going to get his head above water and would not reach out to anyone for help (well almost no one - his family of origin live in another country and were not forth-coming when he asked them for financial and care-giving help). I tried getting him to talk to a therapist but he refused. I felt guilty and trapped. I wanted to break up with him several times, but he would always talk me out of it. Finally I succeeded. In the months after that, his grandmother died and he fell apart. I let him stay with me when he showed up at my place in the days following her death. He hadn't eaten or slept in god knows how long and was a wreck. I tried to keep it friends-only, but he wore me down promising that things would be different, insisting that we try again. He was in such a bad state that he couldn't work or find a new place to live (he lost his apartment while he was staying in the hospital with his grandmother). This went on for several months in a terrible state. Finally I managed to break up with him again and get him out of my house.

Cut to 9 months later, during which we had pretty much no contact. I called him to discuss the money he owes me and we had a couple of coffees together. At the same time I found out at that I had acquired bedbugs from a stupid friend who held a stupid clothing swap party before she realized that the mattress she had picked up off the street was infested. Ugh. So I was trying to deal with that and he offered to help. I know I should have said no, but I was kind of freaking out ( I am a paper and fabric artist whose studio is in my home, as well as someone who has severe reactions to chemicals, and I was at my wits end as to how to deal with it.) He was overbearing in his approach (annoyed that I was consulting the internet for advice), but incredibly helpful. We cleaned the whole place. Plastic-bagging everything. He dealt with the chemicals and we stayed at his place during that week. He had managed to get himself back together in the time we'd been apart and I started remembering how things had been when we had first met. Before I knew it, we were sleeping together, etc.

That was a month ago. Since then, things have deteriorated rapidly. Jealousy (I work as a designer and the fact that I have male clients sets him off; I dated someone else while we were not together) , fighting (over mostly stupid things, me wanting to go to holiday parties, him not wanting me/us to go), moodiness (every morning, the bad mood), anger (we brought bedbugs back to his place; him saying I just used him to eradicate my bedbugs ). I went to visit my family for the holidays, thinking that maybe we could still make it work, but his sullen face at the airport on my return made me so depressed and hopeless that I realized this was just crazy.

A couple of days ago we had a huge fight during which he started hitting himself hard in the head (not the first time this has happened, and a terrible thing which numbs me with terror and brings me back to bad bad childhood memories of my mother's similar behavior). I started hitting my head literally against a wall and then descended into hysterical tears. Finally I was screaming at him to leave and he, finally, did.

Now he is calling with a plan and wants to get back together. I can't do it. It is crazy. We are terrible together, and I feel incredibly guilty that I let this happen again. I have no idea what to do, other than sit here with the lights off and the phone unplugged.

It is awful. I have a support network of friends and family (all aghast that I had started seeing him again) but he has pretty much no one. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to pack all of my things into a van and move far away. A tiny part knows that I do care about this man and worry about him. But I am worried about me too. I know also, that it is my fault for letting this happen again. I guess I don't really have a question, just looking for advice/support.

posted by tingting to human relations (20 comments total)

It is not your fault for "letting" this happen.
You do not choose who you love or who loves you. Life would be so much simpler if that were true.
You shouldn't think of this as a situation requiring guilt or attribution of blame in even the slightest way.
You are not a bad person, you have not done wrong.
Plug the phone back in, turn the lights back on, call the people who you know are there to support you, and tell them you need help saying "no". You recognise exactly what you need to do, you just need the support of people who want to give it to you. I think you'll be fine.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:10 PM on January 6 [2 favorites]

unless you gave birth to him, you are not responsible for his well-being. he is.

don't get me wrong. i know it's hard to say no to someone who seems to need you so much. but he needs you because you let him get away with stuff. if you stand up to him, he has to face the facts.

of course it will be hard, but just keep reminding yourself that he's lived without you in his life before, and he can manage to do it again.

and, while this is probably terrible advice that shouldn't be used by everyone, i find that going out with friends and finding a rebound as quickly as possible helps my breakups stick :)
posted by lblair at 6:12 PM on January 6

Don't get back with him. I repeat: DO NOT.

Reading this, the only entry I can make in the "Pros" column is that he did you a solid by helping you get rid of the bed bugs. Everything else is solidly "Con." You say he "wore you down," that things were in a "terrible state." He makes you feel bad, even hysterical. He's manipulating you. No good can come of this!

That tiny part of you that wants to stay should be shouted down by the rest of you that realizes that this is a desperately unhealthy situation. Explain to him that you're terrible together, and that you don't want to hear from him again. Once you've done that, ignore his calls. All of them. Listen to your friends and your family-- in my experience, they are too often right to ignore their advice.

And remember: it doesn't make you a bad person for caring for someone who isn't good to or for you, but there comes a point where you have to look out for yourself. It seems like this is that point. Good luck!
posted by coppermoss at 6:19 PM on January 6

Rip off the band-aid. End it. No need for hysterics or further dragging it out. Decide what you need here. My advice: Get a close friend to be ready to come over afterward and allow yourself to be taken care of. End it in a public place - not your apartment. You don't need this vampire in your life. No contact, period.

And then get a little drunk if that'll help.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 6:34 PM on January 6

He has pretty much no one because he treats people like garbage!!!

Don't call him. Don't take his calls. Don't meet with him, don't invite him over, don't bother him about the money because he will never pay it back. It's gone. Don't ask him for help. Just disengage. You can do it. Nobody deserves to be manipulated like that.
posted by citron at 6:42 PM on January 6

He really needs some serious professional help. If you do have a final communication - not in your or his house, please! - give him or send him a list of numbers he can call. If he has anyone in his support network, call them to let them know what happened so they can help him out.

But it's not your job to. Doing what I just said above is enough to do your part for him. He's not capable of maintaining a relationship right now. That he fell apart isn't your doing or your responsibility. He needs help, but you can't give it, and you have a life to live. So steer him in that direction and walk away feeling assured you did well beyond what civility requires, gave it an honest shot, and no one would have succeeded in being happy with this situation, or making him happy or providing what he needs - no one.
posted by Miko at 6:50 PM on January 6

It's all in how you think about it. Sometimes, one has a tendency to think, "well, we got back together before, so we'll probably get back together eventually again this time." But that doesn't have to be true. This can be the time you think, "finally, that is over!" and then never contact him again and stop taking his calls. This might be the time that you never see him or talk to him again and start rebuilding your life.

You might also want to consider talking to a therapist a bit, particularly if you find yourself pulled back into the cycle. Sometimes such a simple thing -- repeatedly getting back together with a person who isn't very good for you -- is a good way to start learning things about yourself that you might not otherwise learn. Therapists are professionals with experience in helping people figure out why stuff like this keeps happening and how to change it.
posted by salvia at 7:03 PM on January 6

Oh, honey. I really feel for you (and have been in a head-bangingly toxic situation before).

I would like to reflect coppermoss' sentiments. It's time to hone in on the only person you can control...YOU. You are not weak for loving someone else or being in a horrible situation...but only you can take steps to seek the support you need as you isolate yourself from this toxic man.

I would come up with a list of concrete boundaries, i.e. "No telephone contact. One visit to collect personal belongings. No information on forwarding address"; whatever it is you need to completely disengage yourself from this relationship. Then REFER TO THE LIST when you are feeling indecisive or confused. Now is the time to learn to care for yourself...and to let your friends and healthy family members reach out to you.

I wish you all the best. This sounds atrocious and you do NOT deserve to be treated this way.
posted by mynameisluka at 7:04 PM on January 6 [1 favorite]

All I can say is I feel your pain. Be strong. I know it's hard, especially when there's a side of him that you obviously like, care about and are attracted to. It's tough to deal with when, despite that attraction and the good memories you have, the person you're actually facing in reality most of the time is clearly difficult to like and who isn't good to you.

Be true and kind to yourself first and foremost, though... you're the person you will have to look at in the mirror every day of your life. Not him.
posted by miss lynnster at 7:32 PM on January 6 [1 favorite]

The main reason you seem to have a hard time breaking things off seems to be that you care about this man and worry about his well-being. That's very kind of you, but in the long run the kindest thing you can do for this man is to let him go. He'll never deal with his issues as long as he has you around to blame for them. He did manage to get his life somewhat back on track during those nine months you had no contact, and he can go on doing so. Tell him that once before you break off contact, and tell yourself that repeatedly after you break off contact.
posted by orange swan at 8:22 PM on January 6

If your best friend/sister came to you for advice regarding this, what would you say?

I think its important that if you decide you cannot do this then for your sanity (and his long-term well-being) you should stick to your decision religiously. And when you do gather the courage to make a decision and if not being together is your decision, snap it off. Don't go for coffees or take your bed bug problems to him. Think of it as a band-aid. The more slowly you take it off, the longer it will hurt. Snap if off and you'll get done with it without prolonging the agony unnecessarily.

Knowing that he needs you and you want to break-up doesn't make you the bad person. It does however reflect that you are mature and strong enough to do what you believe in and what you think is the best thing to do. You care about him but you cannot be his support system in this situation. Also, you cannot take care of someone else if you don't take care of yourself first.
posted by xm at 8:23 PM on January 6 [1 favorite]

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

it is not your "fault".

People don't see emotional abuse as abuse. it's abuse. You are being abused.

You've ended it. Do not go back, do not talk to him, do not do not do not. You are so trapped right now through his deliberate emotional manipulation that you cannot think straight.

You are LUCKY! you have friends and family who are supportive. LET THEM HELP YOU. Just call them up and say "Help" and LET THEM HELP.

The fact that he "has no one" is not your problem nor your responsibility. You are dealing with an abusive individual.

Packing your things into a van and moving very far away, as long as you have people you know there to support you, is actually a very good idea. Please make sure you are SUPPORTED at all times, however, though. You need it now. Ask for it. Please don't be ashamed or embarrassed by your need for help. If you don't, the next time you call for help will be from the hospital.
posted by micawber at 8:23 PM on January 6 [1 favorite]

If a personal anecdote helps:

I stuck around in an utterly abysmal relationship for a year and a half because i felt like I was responsible for his well-being and that if I left, he'd end up out on the street living in a cardboard box. But I finally just had it and kicked him out.

It actually ended up being the kick in the pants he needed, and he immediately went to grad school and is now married and successful at...something. As it turned out, my "supporting him" had just been "enabling" him all along, and I would have been better off getting rid of him sooner. (It would have actually been better for me too.)

So getting rid of him may actually be what helps him after all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:19 PM on January 6

no one can save anyone else. drama is not romanticism. next time hire an exterminator.
posted by nadawi at 10:39 PM on January 6 [1 favorite]

His problems aren't your responsibility. It sounds like he's just trying to manipulate you. There are plenty of people out there who will treat you better. Move on and do what you want to do, life's too short to waste it with people like this guy.
posted by Eastgate at 1:10 AM on January 7

Advice columnist Dan Savage has this "campfire rule" for couples where one party is older than the other: Leave it better than you found it. This is a great rule for all relationships, and one most people I know have broken, or had broken on them, many times.

You two have done enough to each other. You've made marks, presumably both positive and negative, on each other's lives. Your relationship has run its course and it has expired. You have to let it go. You both may already be in worse shape than you were before you met. That's why it has to stop now.

He won't do as badly as you think he will. Either he will get his shit together on his own, or he will find someone to replace you. Not only is it not your job to make him happy, it is impossible for you to do it. It's on him.

Take a deep breath, tell him it's over, and do not contact him. Every time you feel like you need to, call on your support group. I bet they'd love to help you. And it's okay for you to hurt and be heart-broken and miss him. It may be a crap relationship, but it's still a breakup. It's also okay if you feel a deep sense of relief. And I second what micawber said: moving away isn't the worst thing you can do if you have the means and the desire.

And what everyone else said: This is not your fault.
posted by juliplease at 6:13 AM on January 7 [1 favorite]

This comes down to what I refer to as a "ratio problem." People are amalgams of good and bad. It's kinda rare to find someone who is 99% one or the other. If this guy were a complete asshole, it'd be oh so much easier to let go of him (or have never entered into the relationship at all). BUT. He's a package deal. All the nice that you like about him is enmeshed with all the bad you dislike about him. His ratio is jacked. That is, the bad doesn't outweigh the good. And it's really ok that you loved him because there *are* good things about him, just not enough to make his ratio of good to bad acceptable.

So be kind to yourself. The last thing you need to be doing is banging your head against a wall, whether literally or figuratively. Understand that up to now, you weren't able to discern his ratio.

Nthing what everyone else says. Now's not the time to be a hero. Makes those calls to people who care about you. I obviously don't know them, but I'm pretty sure they'll be honored you asked for their guidance. Give this to yourself. Give yourself a peaceful 2009. The new year can be very inspiring in this regard. Set guidelines now and do not waiver from them no matter how much it stings (e.g., not calling, visiting, etc.).

I really hate when people say this, but I'm gonna: give this some time and distance. This will hurt less and make more sense at the end of the year if you approach this right, and clearly you are in the throes of that. Separate, connect with those who care, and hold on for the re-entry which will be brutal and ass-kicking. Promise yourself that you're going to hang on and you really will. It will be the hardest thing you've perhaps ever done, but accepting that you have to do it is the very first gargantuan step and you're doing that.
posted by December at 12:27 PM on January 7 [1 favorite]

*edit: the good doesn't outweigh the bad.
posted by December at 2:23 PM on January 7

Many many many thanks all you kind mefites.
I suspect I will be re-reading this many times over the coming days.
It has already made me feel stronger and more hope-filled.
posted by tingting at 4:29 PM on January 7

Get out.

He's using passive-aggressive abuse that ends up triggering self-harm in you.

I was in a similar situation - it doesn't get better and there's no hope of it changing while you're both still able to engage in these patterns.

You've done more for him than can be expected. But it's up to him to dig himself out of hell. And he doesn't have to drag you down in the meantime.

A healthy relationship makes you feel good about yourself. Anything to the contrary is an UNHEALTHY relationship.
posted by HolyWood at 2:20 PM on January 16