I know he doesn't love me, why can't I leave?
January 4, 2009 11:37 PM Subscribe
Why can't I remove myself from a relationship I'm not happy in? I'm miserable with him, miserable without him, and all my relationships follow the same pattern...
posted by DoNotRefill to Human Relations (21 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Been dating a man for about 9 months. He is going through a divorce, been separated for over a year. Since I've met him, I haven't been able to hold a job, have become very depressed, and all my energy goes into the confusion I feel about the relationship. He is an emotional rollercoaster, pushing me away until I threaten to leave, then reeling me back in with acts of kindness and declarations of how much he needs me. I recently moved in with him because I lost my job and couldn't afford rent. We live in his slum apartment, the bedroom isn't habitable at the moment because the slumlord doesn't make repairs, so there is no privacy. I tell myself I'm staying here out of financial desperation, but I know I'm lying to myself. He feels uncomfortable when his teenage kids come over on the weekend because I'm here. His kids do not like me for the single fact that I am with their dad. I ask him if I should leave and all I get are mixed messages. He tells me he wants me to stay but then 10 seconds later asks me how this is going to work when his kids come over. He tells me he still wants to be with his ex (she wants the divorce), then tells me it would never work with her and that he really likes and cares about me. Since I've moved in he has stopped telling me he loves me and is not interested in having sex. He has a bad drug habit and the divorce is breaking his bank.
When I had tried to leave in the past, numerous times before we lived together, I was miserable and could not stop thinking about him. I was alone and unhappy for too long before I met him. I did not know how serious his drug problem was or how much of an emotional and financial wreck he was. He hid alot of things from me but now that I'm living with him it's difficult for him to do that. I know I need to get out but it makes me feel physically sick when I think about how miserable I am going to feel. I don't have alot of options right now because of my job situation and ever since I've been with him I've had nothing but bad luck. I have low self-esteem and no direction in life. He has helped me out in alot of ways (mostly financially), but there is no relationship here and I can't stand living with someone I'm in love with who isn't in love with me. I have been looking for a decent job for months with no luck. Whenever I start making up my mind to leave, he dangles free rent and other financial perks in my face, knowing that I have my hands tied. We have already had a few screaming matches where he has told me to get out, and yet I'm still here and I feel like a fool.
I really care about this guy but I'm not happy and can't see happiness with him in my future, although I occasionally entertain the thought sometimes until reality sets in. I feel pathetic, used, and unloveable. I do have some options as far as places I can stay, with family, etc....but these arrangements are not ideal in my mind (I keep looking for an excuse to stay). Any advice, words of wisdom, people who have been through something similar...greatly appreciated. I'm stuck and drowning. Thanks.