Help me keep it together

January 4, 2009 9:42 PM

I feel like my marriage, and my relationship with my wife, are falling apart, and I can't stop it.

This post has been written, considered, and deleted more than once over the course of the past few weeks, but I think I'm ready now.

My wife and I have been together for about 6 years, and married for 16 months. We have shared such an amazing bond that it was hard for me to imagine living without it. She inspired me to make so many positive changes in my life, first in work and then in deciding to go back to school, and I honestly could not have imagined having a more loving, supportive, caring partner/spouse. Our first anniversary passed in August, and as I headed into my first semester back at school I felt like I had my life pretty well figured out.

But a little less than halfway through the semester, she moved out. She said that she needed space, that she was having anxiety issues, and that she wasn't sure whether our relationship would be able to continue. Over the course of the subsequent separation we have maintained good contact and (I feel) improved our communication, and I understand that she feels confined and conflicted about being married. Part of this is due to our situation-- she's 23, and I'm 25. We've been dating since we were 17 and 19, so she's been in a relationship with me through graduating high school and college. She's told me that she feels like she doesn't, in some sense, know herself, since she's been with me all her adult life. I understand this, and in fact was apprehensive about it prior to and during our engagement, but was nonetheless convinced to continue through her maturity and my perception of the strength of our commitment.

Initially I was feeling the shock, angst, fear, and anxiety that my perusal of AskMe indicates is pretty normal for this sort of situation. I am completely, entirely, wholeheartedly in love with and committed to my wife. I think she is the most beautiful and amazing person in the world, and I wouldn't have proposed to her if I didn't know that I could spend my life with her. Despite the intensity of these feelings, I know I was far from an ideal husband. I think the nature of our relationship, and her personality, were such that she felt forced to compromise repeatedly until she felt that she didn't know herself anymore. I have done some serious soul searching and understand the flaws in my personality that were causing these things to happen, and I've made a serious and profound effort to change myself. This is something I'm committed to doing regardless of how this relationship works out.

After all this time, I have no clear indication of what may happen between us. I miss the intimacy and thrill of being with her, and sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the crushing loneliness of living alone for the first time, not by choice. I try to keep myself active and engaged, socially and mentally, and got excellent grades in school this semester, which I plan to continue. But what I want most is to work things out with my wife. And yet, I feel more and more that I'm losing her. I don't want her to move back tomorrow, or for things to go back to the way that they were...I just want us to focus on the connection we share, the things that brought us together to begin with, and see what we can build from it. In a way, I feel like so many of the issues that led to this were things that I didn't hear about (but completely admit I should have known about) until she was leaving, and I feel that we haven't given addressing them within the context of our relationship a real chance.

I am full of willingness to listen, share, and change, but I fear that she has closed herself off from me in important ways that preclude this from being possible. When we spend time together I can't seem to see past the distance between us, and sometimes it seems impossibly far.

She's in therapy herself and has agreed to couples therapy in the future, which I'm hopeful about. In the mean time, how can I come to terms with this? I don't in any way want to convince or implore her to try to work things out with me, because I know it can't possibly work unless it's something she wants to do. I want to be someone that she wants to work things out with, that she sees value in, that she can care about again. I don't want to lose our future together.

confidential to: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 answers total)

I feel for you. It seems like you really love your wife, and are willing to do anything to make it work.

Sometimes that isn't enough, though. This may or may not be one of those times. It appears that the decision isn't up to you, but to HER. Perhaps this is just one of those times where you have to accept that there is nothing you can do to affect the outcome. I know that sucks as advice, but I think it's the only real thing anyone can say.

Good luck.
posted by zachawry at 9:56 PM on January 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

I think you're asking this question:

how can I come to terms with this

You probably can't. The next bit is going to hurt a lot. You can, however, get down on your knees and thank God, Buddha, Andrew Sullivan and/or the Three Stooges that you don't have any kids.

An old friend of mine once spent an entire weekend at the beach doing a conversational experiment--he only said two phrases for 48 hours. One of them was "Sometimes bad things happen to good people." I know you feel powerless, but you're not. You can do lots of things. You can drink, or hang out with friends and puppies, or go to strip clubs, or drink, or learn how to pottery, or join a gym with your cousin, or read the bible to invalids or drink more. You just can't change other people's actions, or the inexorable glacial crack and surge that happens when a relationship finally slides into the sea. Do your best, don't be bitter, examine your own actions to figure out your role in the devolution, but in the end, at this point, don't think there's anything you did or can do to change her mind. Sometimes...well, you know the rest.

(The other phrase was "Smoke em if you got em." It was a good thing we had a lot of vodka or I may have strangled him by the second day)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:11 PM on January 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

You need to keep one thing central in your mind--that, no matter what happens, both of you will get through it.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:12 PM on January 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm impressed at the degree of understanding you're exhibiting. It's something you will have to try to maintain over the ensuing months. Because if you begin to hate her for the pain you're going through, it will severely compromise your future relationship with her. My limited advice is to maintain amicability, and vent your frustrations out to family or friends without ever losing your cool around her. This is much easier said than done, though, and I wish you the best of luck.
posted by kisch mokusch at 10:36 PM on January 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You are trying to do something heartbreakingly difficult - to keep an open heart towards your wife without demands or expectations. The much overused quote actually applies here "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it is yours. If it doesn't, then it never was." The good news is that in the long run, this will have been a good thing. It is giving you an opportunity for introspection and growth that is unusual at your age. And if your wife comes back, you will have both gained in maturity and self-knowledge in ways that will strengthen your marriage tremendously.

The problem is that you have to live through the time between now and then without knowing how it will turn out. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I think kisch mokusch is right that you will need someone to talk to about what you are going through. I just suggest that you try to find someone who doesn't know your wife so you can be truly honest without worrying about how the listener will interact with your wife if she comes back. A therapist is one option, an on-line community is another, an out-of-town relative or friend might be a third.
posted by metahawk at 11:07 PM on January 4, 2009 [6 favorites]

I'm the last person you should turn to for this sort of advice, but I just wonder from the way you present your case whether it's precisely that overwhelming warm embrace which makes her feel suffocated. Maybe the thing to do is to back off some and do some real slash and burn revision of your seemingly selfless worship. Maybe you really aren't real yet, despite all that you think you've done to get there.

Instead of all this tell-me-what-I-can-do-to-be-your-ideal-husband, you should focus on yourself a bit, find yourself, and see if that self still wants to actually woo her back -- and I mean woo, not need.
posted by dhartung at 11:08 PM on January 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

Couples therapy can't happen soon enough. I'm a proponent of it even when things are going well. Really, get thee there as soon as possible. And good luck!
posted by asavage at 12:46 AM on January 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

She's been with you since she was 17. I realize this is your life, but think about this for a moment. At her (and your) point of life, 6 years is an eternity. You knew this might be an issue, and (surprise!) it is. Sometimes dedication isn't enough - love isn't enough. There are some times when the situation is so screwed up that it's beyond redemption. I'm not necessarily saying that this is the case in your relationship, but it's entirely possible that your wife has realized that this is not where she wanted to be at 23. You sound (alarmingly) certain of your feelings for your wife - so much so that I wonder if you have really thought about what it means to dedicate yourself for life to the only person (or one of the only people) you've ever been intimate with.

I recommend patience. Take some time to look at what you expect out of your relationship with your wife, and to find out what she wants. This is a huge deal for both of you, and you have many years ahead of you to grow together if you take the time to make sure it's what you both want.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:03 AM on January 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

You sound a lot like me when I was your age. The problem I discovered in my and my ex-wife's case was that when we got together at 17 we were two people very much in tune, and when we got into the 23 - 24ish range, we were two entirely different people not really in tune any more. This wasn't anyone's fault, it was just a function of growing up. When you're 17, you're not really finished maturing and there can be some very drastic changes in the next few years, both personality wise and life direction wise.

I really hate to say it but it appears your wife has come to the conclusion that where she is is not where she wants to be at this point in her life. Couples therapy might work, but it might not, again speaking from experience. It's certainly worth a try, especially if she wants to give it a shot. But be prepared for the worst. Good luck.
posted by barc0001 at 2:27 AM on January 5, 2009

Give her emotional room.

Back off from contact with her, do your own thing, allow her to do the emotional work she needs to do.

You don't mean to, and it's not fair that it's this way, but your love for her is probably making her feel claustrophobic. She needs to understand what the real potential loss of this relationship would feel like, and that means you need to back off. She needs to understand that she cannot take you for granted.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:46 AM on January 5, 2009 [3 favorites]

How sad! If willingness to change and love can salvage this relationship, it sounds like you've got plenty.

Near the end of your post, you mention that you don't want to convince her to come back, and I agree that pressuring her would be counterproductive. But, it made me wonder whether you've held back telling her any of what you've told us about your feelings. Does she know that you understand that she had to compromise too much for you and the relationship, and that you're committed to changing that both for her and for yourself?

It sounds like she didn't know how to communicate her feelings until she was already leaving, and you wrote that you should have known anyway. I don't think you necessarily should have. It's up to her to communicate what she's feeling. It sound like she's learning, and you're listening, which is good. I hope she can make the leap to understanding that she can work towards change with you, instead of leaving to find it without you. You two were and are so young, so of course you're undergoing huge changes, and the relationship can only last if you become really good at talking and changing together.

I agree that couples therapy is a good idea, and if that's not going to happen very soon, you could ask whether you could come to one of her sessions with her therapist, as a bridge. Good luck! I really hope it works out for you.
posted by daisyace at 4:58 AM on January 5, 2009

I think your being lonely about living alone for the first time is a completely separate issue.

No, really. It might be caused by your wife moving out, but it's really healthy to learn to be by yourself, even if it might come as a shock at first. You become self-sufficient and learn things about yourself that you wouldn't otherwise. You might think about getting a pet--having an animal can really help improve the quality of life of single-person households while still giving you the time and space to learn who you really are.

Because that's what you're doing right now, and I'm sure that's what your wife is doing as well. This might be a scary thing, but it's a good thing. Your relationship might not weather through it, but it certainly won't survive unless you carve out independent identities.

Also, while overall you sound very supportive, you haven't made any references to what concrete concessions you'd be willing to make to keep your relationship. What if she wants to date other people, or continue to live separately, or move to another city? Would you support her in that? This is more than just changing yourself--this is giving up some of the current cushiness of your relationship to ensure that she's fulfilled.

I empathize, though, I really do. I've been with my current significant other from the age of 18, and I'm currently 25, so I know how your relationship becomes entwined with your sense of self. I don't know if I'd still be in it if Mr. WanKenobi hadn't encouraged me to go after my dreams (at the time, graduate school in a distant city), despite the fact that it entailed us living far, far apart for two years. It was difficult, and a huge sacrifice for both of us in many ways, but I know who I am and what I want now. That's enormous. Please, give your wife the space--whatever space she needs--to figure those things out.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:54 AM on January 5, 2009 [4 favorites]

I also think couples therapy should be started as soon as possible. It's great that she is going to therapy on her own, but that's for her to focus on herself and work on her own issues. Marriage counseling will focus on your partnership and your marriage's issues. You may want to consider going to your own individual counseling, as well. It would help you evaluate things and help you weather this particular storm. I know this sounds like a heck of a lot of therapy, but it's not a forever thing and for something this important, is well worth the time.

I was also struck by how eloquently you presented your side of things. It does sound like your wife needs space and time, and you by all means should give her that, but I was wondering if you've said these things to her in exactly this way. It might make a huge difference. It seems to me that when partnerships start at such a young age, they experience difficulties as couples struggle to grow and change as individuals without growing apart. It sounds like you have reflected on ways to grow together and ways to be a better husband. I would think that would mean the world to your wife, regardless of how things turn out. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:05 AM on January 5, 2009

You can't fix a problem without knowing what the problem is, and it doesn't sound like your wife knows what her issues are. Couples therapy will help, because at least you'll get a sense of what the problems are.

If I had to take a guess, I would guess that there's something she needs to do for which you will need to sacrifice - perhaps she needs to go to school or try a new job, or what have you.

I am very sorry for you, and hope everything works out in the end. I think there's a good chance it can, provided you are willing to make whatever drastic changes are needed.
posted by xammerboy at 10:40 AM on January 5, 2009

Um...I know it's tacky to say this, but this is reminding me of the end of the first season/beginning of the second season of How I Met Your Mother.

It sounds like she is all, "I've never dated anyone else OMG OMG." That she isn't an individual. And she can't find these things out with you in her life. Sadly, this shits you over through no fault of your own.

The bird thing sounds like the right track. Let her go date other people (dating sucks, so she'll find out what it's like for those of us who weren't as lucky to marry the high school sweetheart), let her "go find herself" alone, don't contact her much. Let her miss you, in other words. If she doesn't miss you, well...sorry. If she gets the time and space to "go be an individual" for awhile and realizes that she does miss you and she's not missing out on other things to be with you, then it's all for the good.

But other than letting her make a graceful (at least temporary) exit, and not clinging on for dear life, there isn't much you can do. It's her issue more than it is a problem of you, and she needs to sort it out on her own.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:43 PM on January 5, 2009

Let her go date other people (dating sucks, so she'll find out what it's like for those of us who weren't as lucky to marry the high school sweetheart), let her "go find herself" alone, don't contact her much. Let her miss you, in other words.

Isn't the OP married?
posted by mecran01 at 10:07 PM on January 6, 2009