Yes, No, Maybe So

January 3, 2009 1:43 PM

Boyfriend filter: Making plans with plans with my SO is a pain because he is SO indecisive.

Here is how making plans goes with him and me (or anyone he's attempting to plan with:

Me: Let's go do Thing.
SO: Ok, sounds good.
Me: Great, i'll let Other People know.
SO: Ok. Do you want to do Other Thing instead?
Me: Is that something you want you to do?
SO: Not particularly, I just thought you might.
Me: That's ok. Let's just stick with Thing tonight.
SO: Ok. Well, you know, we could always Another Thing.
Me: Do you not to want to do Thing?
SO: No, no - it's fine. I just wanted to put Another Thing out there.
Me: Ok. I'm going to call Other People now.

Repeat this once I have called Other People and made plans.
He does this with his own friends too.

It drives me up a wall!!!!!!! It seriously takes HOURS to figure out what do with him and then we just end up doing the first thing I/he/other people suggested.

If he started the convo, as in if he had the idea, he does the exact thing. It's not a matter of him deciding first, or who we're doing it with, etc. It's some sort of quirk he has but it makes making plans with him and others VERY frustrating.

Ideas on how to make this less frustrating for me since it's unlikely he'll change? Right now, I started the whole "let's hang out with other couple" about 3 hours ago.

I can't even put my foot down and say "we're doing X" because it doesn't matter. He's still all "hmm, what other options are there?".

Ugh. Help?

posted by sio42 to human relations (32 answers total)

Me: Let's go do Thing.
SO: Ok, sounds good.
Me: Great, i'll let Other People know.
SO: Ok. Do you want to do Other Thing instead?
Me: Not today, maybe some other time.

FTFY.
posted by rhizome at 1:56 PM on January 3, 2009 [6 favorites]

He's still all "hmm, what other options are there?"
Let him hmmm all he wants and just ignore it. What you say goes until he can learn to be more decisive. Sounds like a passive aggressive thing to me and I wouldn't stand for it. Keep ignoring his hmmm-ing and he'll learn to take a stand one way or another.
posted by meerkatty at 1:57 PM on January 3, 2009 [4 favorites]

Sounds to me like a compulsive behavior he has locked into his brain since childhood. Maybe it's genetic. But it may help if you each wrote down your "Things" on a few Post-it notes, then chose one (you could take turns), placed it in a prominent location, then tore up the other notes or stored them for future activity. The physical process might help reinforce the decision.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:57 PM on January 3, 2009

Have you told him it drives you crazy? Have you asked him why he makes counter suggestions?

For the first--you say you don't think he'll change, but if you haven't asked yet, it's hard to know.

For the second--from your script it sounds like he doesn't want to do Thing but doesn't want to burst your bubble.

I'd guess that part of the solution will be to see if he's willing to pay attention to his vacillations while the other part will be you finding out how not to care about it so much.
posted by Stewriffic at 1:58 PM on January 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Make sure your own body language is not suggesting hesitation.

Also, and this may not be fair, consider that a lot of the time when women say their mate isn't decisive enough, it's because they put the final decision for everything in the hands of their mate and never make the final calls themselves. Since things sometimes don't go well, this also happens to make their mate responsible for every bad experience...
posted by rr at 2:07 PM on January 3, 2009

More: I have a close friend that does this, and it used to drive me crazy, too. What I ended up doing would be making plans and asking if he was in or out. And then while he decided, I'd know that *I* was going, and if he wanted to go he'd be there too. He still does this, and it can feel a lot like he's waiting to see if other, better plans come up. Heck, I'm pretty sure that that is indeed what he's doing, because he's alluded to it before. I don't count on him when making plans, and I don't wait around if he can't make up his mind. He's flaky, and I've accepted that.

Examples:
1) The friend mentioned above is going through a kind of tough time right now, and so I've been inviting him to do things more than usual. New Year's Eve I wanted to go to see a band with some people (metafilter meetup, actually). I knew he didn't have plans and might want to go along. I told him a couple of times, and then just let it go. He called at about 5 and said he was in. My mind was at peace, because his being there or not didn't change what I'd be doing.
2) Another time recently I was going to a friend's house for dinner and invited him along. I asked him, told him it'd be fun, and then left it up to him as to whether he'd be there or not. He didn't go this time, and my mind was at ease because whether he was there or not did not affect what I'd be doing.

My guess is if you take a similar tactic, you'll first have the quietness of mind that will allow you to let go of your annoyance, and secondarily, he'll begin to understand that he can opt out or he can go, but that it's in his hands.
posted by Stewriffic at 2:08 PM on January 3, 2009

I do this sometimes. He may be trying to ascertain what the best possible thing to do would be. Sure, Thing1 wouldn't be bad, but would Other Thing be better? Don't want to waste the opportunity!

What helps me is realizing that the actual activity isn't as important as a) doing it wholeheartedly, b) with people I like, and c) having fun while doing it. Spending too much time fishing around for the perfect activity takes time and attention away from a, b, and c.

Also, you might benefit from having a diversionary tactic ready. Once you decide on a course of action, if he dives in to doing something, he'll have no time for the questioning.

The real way to address this, though, might be to set aside some time for planning -- a fun activity in itself. Really devote some time together to figuring out how to best spend your fun time together with or without friends. This will probably involve significant effort on his part, as he thinks things through and talks about them with you, but it will mean that he'll be confident that whatever you decide to do together is a good choice, and that there's less need to think about it to death. And you'll have great conversations about what's important, what constitutes fun for you both, and what is a good use of time.
posted by amtho at 2:12 PM on January 3, 2009

I am indecisive when it comes to social plans. I am not sure if my wife took me up on one of my alternative suggestions I would even want to do that so do not fall for changing plans to something else unless you like the other idea better. For me, I prefer if my friends just make plans without me and tell me what they are doing, when they are doing it and where. If I want to join I do. Otherwise I don't. This way they do not get the angst from planning with me and I do not contribute doubt or confusion or frustration to the plans. Win-win all around.

Tell him what is up for tonight and do it. With or without him.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 2:21 PM on January 3, 2009

You: Let's go do Thing.
SO: Ok, sounds good.
You: Great, i'll let Other People know.
SO: Ok. Do you want to do Other Thing instead?
You: No (or yes, depending). Do you want to do Other Thing?

If he says Yes, do Other Thing. Anything other than Yes is No.
posted by Solomon at 2:41 PM on January 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

Also, and this may not be fair, consider that a lot of the time when women say their mate isn't decisive enough, it's because they put the final decision for everything in the hands of their mate and never make the final calls themselves.

I had a long discussion about this yesterday with muy feminist roommate. She explained that women are socialized to do this.

I can't even put my foot down and say "we're doing X" because it doesn't matter. He's still all "hmm, what other options are there?"

Who says you can't? I'd stop conditioning your behavior on him being 100% satisfied with the decision. I think he wants you to make the call and stick with it.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:44 PM on January 3, 2009

My old boyfriend used to do this, too. I'd make myself crazy trying to accommodate him. At first I thought he was just kind of wishy-washy, but it turned out that the real problem was that he did not really want to do things with me like going dancing, stuff where he might have a chance of meeting other girls.

I don't believe he was consciously being a dick, but that's what he was, anyway. It could just be that your boyfriend is not just indecisive.
posted by Maisie Jay at 2:48 PM on January 3, 2009

I'm your boyfriend. I always throw other options out there. Not because I don't like the options that are already out there, not because I'm passive-aggressive, not because I'm indecisive.

I do it when I don't really care which option we pick, but I want other people who do care, to be able to pick the option they'll love most. I organized a brunch the other day and I was so happy to be brunching with those friends that I didn't care at all where we went. But on the off chance that one of them might be totally overjoyed by a specific restaurant suggestion, I suggested six options, and a few of my suggestions came even after we'd tentatively agreed on a place. I was doing it to try to be nice and because I was feeling so enthusiastic about seeing those friends I frankly would have stood in the subway with them eating pocket-lint, but I didn't want my indiscriminate picking of a place to shut out someone who really wanted something else. When they heard the first option, they all said "oh sure, we can go there" but I think I was sort of giving more choices in case there was a different idea that would get them to yell "OH MY GOD PERFECT CHOICE!" Not because I needed the credit for picking that choice, but just because I wanted them to be as excited as possible about our plans.

If you think boyfriend may be giving other options for that reason, you should just make it clear that the current option is actually LIKED, not just being tolerated. He doesn't need to come up with possibly-better alternates because the current choice is already The Best Option.
You: "So we'll do X then. I'll call Dave."
Him: (thinks you sound iffy on X, decides to fish for a better option.) "Hey, should we consider doing Y?
You: "Do Y? No way, I'm totally into doing X! I just talked to Dave and he's totally excited about doing X too! X will be perfect tonight, I was totally jonesing for that [BBQ sauce/type of music/kind of party/etc]!"
Him: (feels reassured that everyone's really happy, not just settling- and shuts up).
posted by pseudostrabismus at 3:10 PM on January 3, 2009 [6 favorites]

Let's first state that the impression you get is that he is indecisive. Actually, he could be anything between a disinterested bit of hamburger who just acts as if he cared, and a very polite person who wants you to decide but also wants to let you see all the options before doing so. There's no way for us to understand what's really going on.
Perhaps he has a long-standing history of being forced into deciding about too many alternatives too often (this usually starts at 3 years of age with having to decide about socks t-shirts and cereal). If that is so, perhaps it would be better if you would decide for him.
Perhaps it's the other way round and you have a history of wanting decisions NOW and he simply can't cope. What do we know, really.

Some ideas, however.

1) A good way to start is to find out how pushy his mom acts when she wants him to decide stuff. Make an evaluation, compare with your own attitude.
2) Start consistently acting less pushy, or otherwise other than his mom. [You find this nauseating (considering his mom's behavior)? You'll never figure out how he ticks.]
3) Tell him what you wrote here, but do this when he is not supposed to decide anything just then. Tell him that what you see as his indecision drives you nuts. Ask him whether he
a) normally actually doesn't care
b) wants to not bully you with his preferences
c) hates making decisions
or
d) has a personal problem with acknowledging what his wishes really are.
e) specifically ask him (not us) what he thinks you should do differently in the situations you mention, or whether he actually is completely happy with these situations.

Evaluate and make an action plan.
posted by Namlit at 3:12 PM on January 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think Stewriffic has it. You need to level with him. This is a pretty annoying habit but it doesn't sound like you've thought about what is exactly so annoying about it and what you'd like him to do. It's not a crime in a relationship to suggest other options. You might even give him the benefit of the doubt and discuss some of these options. What you need to get to the bottom is whether he is making these suggestions because he doesn't like the first one. You two need to have a discussion about this.

Sometimes it's great to agree to a script, even. Tell him that when you suggest something you want to know his opinion on your suggestion and only then can he suggest something else. The annoying part is where he leaves you guessing as to what he wants to do and you are being a naturally nice person and trying to accommodate his feelings when, in fact, he hasn't stated any feelings.

The script could go like this: You: I've been taking to our friends about doing 'X'! Him: Oh, I'd rather not go do 'X' - do you think you all would rather do 'Y'? You: No, we'd really rather go do 'X'. You in?

Done. What is annoying you is not knowing his feelings or preference. And if he has no feeling or preference then he should state that first. Or, you should ask and take him at his word. But, really, have a serious discussion about this. That's what relationships are about.

Oh, and don't forget to laugh.
posted by amanda at 3:30 PM on January 3, 2009

set boundaries.
posted by Hands of Manos at 3:53 PM on January 3, 2009

I, like pseudostrabismus, am also your boyfriend! And, like pseudostrabismus I don't do this because I'm indecisive or passive-aggressive. Although I think I end up more on the side of not wanting to make a decision more than I fall on the side of offering up more choices (which I also do from time to time).

One reason is that I don't like being the social director. So if I get even a whiff of being made to decide where a bunch of other people are going, I get a little antsy. I really, like pseudostrabismus, don't particularly care what's going on usually, just that I get to hang out with good people and do something. This is usually where I'm indecisive though I'm usually being offered more than one choice.

When I do offer up choices, I can honestly admit that 60 - 70% of the time I think one of those choices is actually better than the first choice, but if one of those is taken I don't want others to have a bad time because of a choice I made.

Also, sio, your profile doesn't offer a location, but if you live in a large urban area like many MeFites do, I could wager there's probably also an unwillingness to go out. Staying home is always an unstated option and it seems to me that many folks in large urban areas would rather stay in their neighbourhood or even their home rather than go out. At least once they are there. This is especially pronounced on weekends when one is already ensconced in the comfort of home. You might want to see if this is the case should the above criteria apply to you.

If I were you, I would at least take it in good faith that your boyfriend is not trying to be a jerk, passive-aggressive, or anything like that. He may not even realize he's indecisive. It took me years to figure it out, more time to feel it was behaviour I didn't like, and I still haven't gotten rid of it yet.

You should, of course, talk about it, but you should also just stick with your first option. I believe the "No, I like Option 1, but we can do Other Option another time" tack is best. You're basically already making the decision about what to do. To borrow a common phrase here, flag it as decided and move on.
posted by Captaintripps at 4:00 PM on January 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

I have been on both sides of this. On side if I state definetively what I want to do, I feel like other people might feel bad contradicting me. For example, we got a new co-worker a couple of weeks ago and usually our very small department all go out to eat. There is the inevitable where to go discussion. I have little patience and we have lots of good places around so I will ususally pipe up and say "lets go to the Thai place, everyone cool with that?" of "sushi sounds good!" About a month later we learned that Annette kinda hates most Asian food. I felt like a dick.

With my boyfriend I do it because I am trying to be really nice and I really and truly am equally good with either option and I am trying to make sure he gets something tha t makes him happy.

I find that my bf (and previous bf's) initially think I might be being passive-aggressive by saying that I am fine with something when really I don't want to and will somehow use it against them later. This is apparantly common.

So I started being very clear with people so that if I have a strong opinion about what we eat or where we go I articulate my desires very clearly. So if I want to go to Las Margaritas I say so, but I just went something in Latin range of food types I say that, but if I really am good eat just about anywhere, I really mean it.

He is probably fjust trying to make you happy and make sure that is what you really want to do, especially if you have experienced a particular desire for Other Thing and really especially if at some point you wanted to do OTher Thing and he expressed some reluctance. Sometimes people get so caught up in making sure they are not imposing on the other people that they come off as spineless or something. I really don't think he is indecisive unless there are a lot of other things he does like this. At some point we have all probably been a part of a group where there was a ring-leader, the person who made pretty much all the calls and everyone else pretty much followed. That person know what they want to do, where they want to go, and how everyone should get there. They probably don't even know that other people might disagree but don't want to bother and challenge the call. These groups might cause some simmering resentments, perhaps he really just doesn't want to be that person.
posted by stormygrey at 4:47 PM on January 3, 2009

Once you decide, stop talking about it.

If he says "want to do other thing?" say "I'm not talking about this anymore, we already decided."

Then go do something else, read a book, whatever. This seems like a massive waste of your time, to sit there for hours.
posted by sondrialiac at 4:48 PM on January 3, 2009

You: Let's go do Thing.
SO: Ok, sounds good.
You: Great, i'll let Other People know.
SO: Ok. Do you want to do Other Thing instead?
You: Other thing sounds fun! Here's the calendar. Pick a weekend while I'm calling Other People.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:51 PM on January 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

The reason my roomie does this is because she wants to pick the best option for whatever we're doing. She hesitates over what the best option for food at the grocery store. She just wants to pick the best option.
posted by ThirstyEar2 at 5:56 PM on January 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Does your boyfriend have ADD or ADD tendencies? I think this can manifest along with ADD. You mention a category of thing, and his brain automatically thinks of five of those things all at once. Possible solution if that's what's happening here: get him to focus on a specific characteristic of the activities. ("OK, so you've suggested we could go to a movie or a museum or the park or the zoo . . Well, are you in a nature kind of mood?//Which activity haven't we done in awhile?//What's better today, being entertained, or chilling out?") If he is indecisive about that, you can work from "Well, what do you totally NOT want to do? What else?" and narrow it down that way.

I would second ThirstyEar2's guess too. A friend of a friend gets stuck -- EVERY time, I'm told -- whenever the grocery store cashier asks "Paper or plastic?"
posted by oldtimey at 6:19 PM on January 3, 2009

nthing rhizome. As soon as you're given a yes/no out, TAKE IT.
posted by squorch at 6:40 PM on January 3, 2009

Oh man, my boyfriend and I are BOTH like that, but I didn't exactly realize it until I read this post. It has led to all sorts of going back and forth on picking stuff like restaurants. I am going to follow the advice of people who say just to say "No" to Other Thing unless Other Thing sounds really good/much better than Thing.
posted by fructose at 6:58 PM on January 3, 2009

I can see this from two perspectives. One is that we have a very creative right-brained friend who is always coming up with crazy options for things (sometimes they're brilliant). His brain often keeps generating options after I'm ready to make a decision. It's just kind of the way he is, so no advice there except to second the people who have given ideas about how to cut the conversation shorter.

The other perspective is that I have a very low-key partner, whereas I myself am very expressive. I am prone to hyperbole--things are either fantastic or terrible. Whereas his emotional temperature ranges from cool to tepid.

In the first years of our relationship, we had conversations like this a lot:

Me: Want to do a Thing?

Him, low-key: Sure. ["Sure" to me means, "yes, I'll do it, but I'm not enthusiastic about it."]

Me: We could do Other Thing instead.

Him: OK.

Me: Unless you really want to do Third Thing.

Him: Sure.

I'm not indecisive (at least not about this kind of thing) but I had trouble reading his responses, and kept offering suggestions because I was looking for a stronger-toned reaction. Once we figured this out, we were able to translate for each other. Sometimes even now I'll say, when he gives a low-key response, "Translate that for me!" and he'll do a big fake grin and hyper-enthusiastic face and say, "What a great idea!"

You say he does this with friends as well, so it may not apply. But I thought I'd toss it out there.
posted by not that girl at 8:08 PM on January 3, 2009

Honestly, my ex was like this and he was very ADD. There were nights when we'd drive around arguing about what to eat until every restaurant we found was closed.

SOME people have difficulty making decisions; others choose NOT to decide things, allowing others' decisions to become their own. Refusing to choose something IS a choice; it's putting the responsibility on YOU in a passive-aggressive way. This leaves you at fault if Thing isn't as fun as Other Thing or as the "bad guy" if he doesn't show up to Other Thing because you dragged him to Thing (this will be what he says to his friends).

I'm hoping he's not That Guy, because it took years of therapy for me to figure out my charming SO was kind of a dick.

Here is what gave me peace:

ME: I'm going to do Thing tonight.
SO: Really? Cool! There's also Other Thing!
ME: I might go to Other Thing too, but I told Other People I'm going to Thing at X time.
SO: Ok. I'll probably want to go to both, I haven't decided yet.
ME: Great, well, hopefully I'll see you at Thing or Other Thing. Love you. Be safe.

(proceed to travel to destinations chosen by myself to make myself happy in Other People's car or my own)

I realize that part of being a couple is socializing together. However, there is freedom in independence, and if he wants to SEE you and OTHER PEOPLE, he will. You cannot control another person's behavior. He will choose to prioritize as he sees fit, and so should you.

If you prefer his company, follow him around or spend time alone together. If you want to do Thing or see Other People, that is your first priority.

Please don't sacrifice your friendships or personal interests for a SO. If you break up, you will regret putting SO first. Worse, your friendships and interests may dwindle as a result of blindly catering to SO, leaving you feeling abandoned when you need those things the most--when you're single again.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 8:48 PM on January 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

DarlingBri's nailed it. For so many reasons!

If he's someone who takes your first suggestion (restaurant) as a starting point for him to riff on all the possible restaurants in the area that he's seen or heard of or might like to try, then you've given him a chance to do just that. Today, we're going to the place I suggested, but next time, we'll go there. Or someplace else. But you're affirming his right to have input and to change his mind, whilst saving your sanity.

On the other hand, if he's passive aggressive and can't form the words "not really, I'd rather go to this place", you're kind of forcing his hand a bit. And the positive reinforcement of you all going to someplace he suggests at the time he suggests might encourage more direct communication.

Anyway, brilliant suggestion and I'm going to use it for my friends who are very much like your boyfriend.
posted by Grrlscout at 2:49 AM on January 4, 2009

I do this to my wife sometimes, for several of the reasons described above. I might fear that she's burying her own preferences in favor of what she thinks I'd prefer. It might be a form of resistance to something I feel I 'should,' but don't want to, do. I might simply not care which thing we do. In any case, note where you're facilitating his cycle of indecision:


Me: Let's go do Thing.
SO: Ok, sounds good.
Me: Great, i'll let Other People know.
SO: Ok. Do you want to do Other Thing instead?
Me: Is that something you want you to do?
SO: Not particularly, I just thought you might.
Me: That's ok. Let's just stick with Thing tonight.
SO: Ok. Well, you know, we could always Another Thing.
Me: Do you not to want to do Thing?
SO: No, no - it's fine. I just wanted to put Another Thing out there.
Me: Ok. I'm going to call Other People now.

Try replacing your Is that something you want to do? with Nope, too late. We're moving on. If he learns that his first Ok, sounds good is a commitment, he might learn to think before reflexively giving consent.
posted by jon1270 at 4:23 AM on January 4, 2009

I haven't found anyone who mentioned browsing behavior in men, but this sounds like a classic case of male browsing, for example:

1. chasing TV channels incessantly because there's always a sense that there's a better show on somewhere

2. unsatisfied with their current girlfriend because there might always be someone hotter, cuter, etc. on the horizon

I know a LOT of men who browse incessantly SOMEWHERE in their life - your boyfriend sounds like one of them. :) My man has a serious case of #1. My solution is to hold the remote when we're sharing the couch. It might be that if, after discussing with him how much this drives you nuts, he's not able/willing to change this behavior then the best solution really might be for you to MAKE the decision and then ignore all his further suggestions with a cheerful "Nope, we're doing Thing!".
posted by twiki at 5:18 AM on January 4, 2009

My parents do a variant of this. The script usually goes one of two ways:

Dad: Do you want to do This Thing, That Thing, or Another Thing?
Me: ...That Thing sounds good.
Dad: Oh, well, That Thing could be tricky because your mother would be running late.
Me: Okay, This Thing then.
Dad: No, no, we can do That Thing.
Me: Okay, good, That Thing.
Dad: ....No, you don't want to do that. Let's just do This Thing.

Mom: Do you want to do This Thing, That Thing, or Another Thing?
Me: Another Thing would be great.
Mom (sulks for a half hour, then): You know, I really wanted to do This Fourth Thing by myself this afternoon, but I can't because now we're doing Another Thing.
Me: What? Well then let's just do That Thing instead, then.
Mom: No, no, you wanted to do Another Thing. (keeps sulking)

I actually had to sit them down just this weekend and point out to them that they did this -- they said that they just wanted to make sure that we did what I wanted. But I pointed out that Dad trying to talk me out of what I wanted or Mom not telling me when there was a Thing that conflicted with what she wanted didn't do anyone any favors. But discussing the behavior wouldn't have helped -- "Speak up with problems about Things if you have them" -- I had to actually make it about how their actions were making me feel: "Dad, you trying to talk me out of something I've chosen makes me feel like This, and Mom, grumbling about a choice I've made becuase you didn't speak up about a conflict makes me feel like That." They both instantly got it and swore to do better.

That could be what you need to do -- rather than trying to focus on the behavior, you could at some point have a heart-to-heart about how this behavior makes you feel -- "When you switch back and forth about Thing and Other Thing, it makes me feel like foo because baz, and..."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:04 AM on January 4, 2009

thanks for all the replies!

Unicorn - no worries on the sacrificing friends for SO. it's the same thing whether we try to go to dinner alone or meet up with other couples we haven't seen in awhile. generally i take that tact when going alone - it's the going WITH that drives me nutty :)

everyone else - thanks for the various thoughts/methods/etc on talking to him about this at some point other than when making decisions. i wasn't really sure how to bring it up without being attacking on a personal quirk.

i think there were several folks who said that they didn't like being social director but were amiable with what everyone else wanted to do. that kinda sounds like him too

namlitt - i am going to pay attention to the mom aspect next time we're around her!

captaintripps - unfortunately, we don't live somewhere cool, so the options are pretty limited. yes, it makes us all sad, but at the same time, the options are the same pretty much any time for hanging out. *sigh* looking forward to a move to a big city when an overwhelming amount of options might warrant such ponderment :)
posted by sio42 at 8:53 AM on January 4, 2009

All of this is possible. But maybe he just enjoys parsing the available options as a social pastime? Many people enjoy that.

But it's hard to tell from your description what exactly is going on. Can't tell if he actually has a preference for the other thing, or if he actually is just mentioning it. There is a big difference between exploring the options and being passive-aggressive, and from the outside looking in it might look the same. Coincidentally, I have two friends who do these two variations. One is genuinely interested in determining the best plan, and the other is a passive-aggressive nut. (I can't count how many times he has tried to make it seem like a decision was spontaneous and mutually agreed upon, only to arrive and find some girl he is interested in there. Just say the reason!)

So determining the answer will depend on further context. Does he eventually reveal a preference for some other thing that he wouldn't share? Does he pout or anything like that? Does one option afford him some time before and/or afterwards to do some other thing he wanted to do? If none of that is happening, I think he probably has good intentions. If it IS, you need to talk to him about it and try to get him to realize that these sorts of things are unhealthy for everyone.

(To the "set limits" crowd: really? Sounds more like what you do from a position of authority with a pet, child or employee. Not a partner. Partners trust and communicate, or they should end the partnership. "Setting limits" is what you do when you are training someone whom you don't trust to know the limits already. If an SO suddenly "set limits" on me like that, I'd certainly feel a lack of respect and make that known. I think most people would feel the same way- I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks that is a valid (or helpful) way to solve problems. The proper response to "we're done discussing it!" is "WTF!?")

Just speaking for myself, I sometimes over-parse language. There is a HUGE difference, to me, between someone saying "do you want to go see a movie X" and "I want to go see movie X". One is asking for my opinion, the other is stating a preference. So, it often goes like this:

SO: Do you want to go see X movie?
Me: No.
SO: Oh, cause I really wanted to see that movie.
Me: Oh, let's go then.
SO: No, you said you didn't want to.
Me: But you do want to and I'm not doing anything, so let's go.

And on and on.
posted by gjc at 11:07 AM on January 4, 2009

Does your boyfriend have ADD or ADD tendencies?

This was my first thought. My husband has ADD and is a people-pleaser. If it's just the two of us, we'll often end up changing our plans on the way there. If it involves more people, then I make the plans with the other people and tell him what we're doing.
posted by desjardins at 10:43 AM on January 5, 2009 [1 favorite]