How to disappear completely...?

January 1, 2009 8:00 AM

So, I am here. Despite it all, it's over anyway. Seven years gone by....

...three of it locked in a marriage that fell into a death spiral shortly after it began. Anyway. I need advice. She's already emotionally decoupled... and someone was waiting on standby. I just want to get this over with as quickly as possible. If anyone has advice on how the fuck to de-integrate, separate, and kick-off I'd greatly appreciate it.

posted by PROD_TPSL to human relations (16 comments total)

Move out. Or move her out. Let your lawyers handle the rest of it. That's what you pay them for.
posted by Solomon at 8:07 AM on January 1

Get new bedding.

Really.
posted by jgirl at 8:12 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]

I can't improve on the Move and Lawyer advice, but I wanted to throw in, don't beat yourself up, pick up the pieces, move out, set up a new home, cleansed of the crap of the last relationship, and look forward to a brighter future.

Sorry!
posted by Ponderance at 8:20 AM on January 1

Been there, after a much longer marriage.

Above advice is good, but I'll just add: Keep reminding yourself that you will eventually feel better, do better, and live a great life. You will look back and be thankful that you are no longer living with the daily heartbreak of the "death spiral." I promise, time does heal. Yes, it may take years. Yes, you will be angry, bitter, depressed, self-loathing, and many other emotions that may take you by surprise. This is normal. Allow yourself to feel however you feel, without guilt. Therapy was a big help for me. It allowed me to vent and get feedback without overloading my friends, whom I had already dumped on enough.

Take care of yourself. Be patient with your emotions.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 8:38 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]

Seconding Fuzzy Skinner and Ponderance on being kind to yourself and patient with the whole process. Cut yourself a lot of slack, and treat yourself as well as you'd treat a best friend who was going through the same thing.

Small, manageable projects will distract you when you need to get out of your head, so make a list of some, even if they're mundane and not very appealing, such as: cull out clothes for charity, sweep porch, de-weed garden, etc.

And a change of environment can also be helpful for some people, although we don't know much about your living circumstances from your post.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 9:00 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]

Seconding the above. Separation & divorce is one of the biggest life events of all. Family & friends may not be your best support network, especially if they haven't experienced divorce themselves. Look for a support group for separation & divorce near you. Just having a peer group to talk with helps you understand that what you're going through is part of recovering, healing, and growing into the next phase of your life. If there's no group, or if the group isn't doing it for you, find a therapist to talk with. Be good to yourself and remember that healing takes time. Then there's the bright side, namely, the whole rest of your life that lies ahead.
posted by exphysicist345 at 9:32 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]

Be gentle with yourself.
Indulge in your creative or mechanical pursuits.
If you're staying in the home you shared, re-arrange everything to your liking.
If you can afford it, get new bed linens, pillows, even a new bed. I don't know why, but that really helps.
If you're not staying in the home you shared, enjoy being able to do everything your way.
Let yourself mourn the relationship and who you were in that relationship.
Don't wallow.
Find people who share your interests and hang out with them.
Every day, remind yourself of the good things from the day prior and what you can look forward to in the day to come.
Write out your anger in letters you can then safely burn.
Volunteer.
Go get pampered - massage, one of those haircuts that come with a deluxe shampoo, some new threads (you can do all of this cheaply, too - massage & beauty schools, Ross/K&G-type stores).
Visit places you've been curious about in your area but haven't been to, yet.
Find a new favourite restaurant that's yours alone.
Watch movies only you like.
Exercise.
Avoid the rebound.
Re-connect with old friends...start with yourself.

And good luck on all of this, whatever you choose to do. The number one thing is to take care of yourself.
posted by batmonkey at 10:27 AM on January 1 [10 favorites]

Be careful with the drink. It is very easy to lean heavily on it at a time like this.... Best of luck.
posted by fcummins at 10:40 AM on January 1 [3 favorites]

Seconding not being hard on yourself. Everybody's life is full of forks in the road, and just because you choose one that doesn't pan out (even if over years), there's no reason to treat it as any more of a failure than going to see a movie that wound up not being very good. Life goes on, you have some stories to tell, and you're about to become happier than you've been in years!
posted by rhizome at 11:33 AM on January 1 [2 favorites]

My mantra during that time in my life: "This sucks. But it would suck worse if I were still married."

Nthing new bed and filling your time.
posted by shiny blue object at 1:03 PM on January 1 [3 favorites]

Get yourself a new lover, soon. Nothing does more for the broken male spirit. Works like a charm.
posted by fourcheesemac at 3:17 PM on January 1

Get yourself a new lover, soon. Nothing does more for the broken male spirit. Works like a charm.

I don't usually disagree with others' comments, but no. Please no. It's a recipe for more disaster. This is kind of shallow, and I think you are deeper than that.

Yes, you might stroke your ego, and other things, by doing this. But in the long run, you are way better off to heal, learn how to live with yourself, and figure out why you chose someone who may not have been a good fit, what went wrong, and how to avoid it next time.

In my own experience, I thought I was ready for another relationship WAY sooner than I actually was. Looking back now, I am so thankful I did not follow my impulses or emotions so soon after my breakup.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 3:33 PM on January 1

I recommend Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours.
posted by tamarack at 5:07 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]

Fuzzy: The word there was lover, not girlfriend. Preferably someone much more attractive than your ex. I do agree that one should avoid the rebound love, but stroking the ego is just fine as long as you're honest about not being at all ready for a real thing. I know plenty of guys who've gone through messy breakups and jumped into the best, most freeing years of unfettered debauchery in their lives and they only occasionally wake up in a Wafflehouse bathroom handcuffed to the toilet and missing their wallets and any memory of what happened after that match.com date turned into a 3 day Pernod binge and credit card theft spree. Allegedly. Anyway you'll be fine. Divorce seems like the end of the world, but I really don't know anyone who ever says that they'd rather still be married.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:56 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]

I have found parts of How to Survive the Loss of a Love helpful in dealing with various forms of loss, separation included. It's nice and short, if you aren't feeling up to reading a whole self-help book. Full text in the link, or one could pick up a hard copy.
posted by illenion at 8:37 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]

Potomac captures the spirit of my comment, which was to go get laid.

Often.
posted by fourcheesemac at 6:07 PM on January 5 [1 favorite]