Slowing down a reltionship

December 31, 2008 8:17 PM

How do I slow down a new relationship? She wants it to go out as friends for now(the smart thing IMO) and see how it goes from there but Ive already been the dumba$$ guy and made a move. How do I recover/keep it going? More Below.

She told me to my face shortly after I made my "move"(a kiss) that I need to slow it down. I accepted and said her I was glad she told me. Any constructive advice would be appreciated.

posted by tropikal to human relations (20 comments total)

A kiss is no big deal. You haven't blown anything (or if you have, it wouldn't be about the kiss). Hang out, have fun, let her take the lead on getting physical.
posted by Kerasia at 8:37 PM on December 31, 2008

Be honest.
posted by mistertoronto at 8:45 PM on December 31, 2008

Well, slow down.
If everything is going well, and she told you in a good way to slow down, nothing has been lost. In fact, now you know where you stand.
posted by Memo at 8:47 PM on December 31, 2008

You haven't done anything wrong. You kissed her, she told you she'd like to take it slower and you've accepted that. Your next step is to continue going out as friends and keep communicating in reference to how you're both feeling about the status of the relationship.
posted by amyms at 8:54 PM on December 31, 2008 [1 favorite]

My stock answer to questions about how to speed things up is "Tequila," so in your case I would recommend avoiding tequila or other alcohol while out with her.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:16 AM on January 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

Sit down with her at your computer and show her your question and our answers. Ask her to add her own answer.
posted by Joe13 at 6:03 AM on January 1, 2009

Just back off a bit, don't get too needy and sticky with her..live your own life and keep her on the side. Don't ignore her, but don't be her little lapdog who comes running at her every whim.

Although when a girl says she wants to slow down, it usually means she's not interested. Of course it all depends on that specific situation but be careful not to get hurt, my friend.
posted by kampken at 6:27 AM on January 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

What she's basically saying is that she's not sure/doesn't want to get physical right now. That means that there's a sexual chemistry that's missing from the air. - Chances are that she doesn't feel sexually attracted to you. There are two trains of thought here- Let it slow down so that you can never be anything but friends (even thought you want more), or you can start flirting(if you haven't already), subtle, and I mean subtle, innuendos that give room for more flirting. You also have to go at it with a mindset that "whatever happens, happens... and I'm OK with that". If you get attached to a particular outcome, it changes who you become to the other person, and it's unattractive.

The big thing is, just have fun- don't focus/worry on what didn't happen or where it's not going. I know it's cliche to say "Be yourself", but it truly is an authentic place to stand, and she'll appreciate you for it if you come across as calm, cool, and collected.
posted by G33k t0 th4 D at 6:34 AM on January 1, 2009

"Slow down" doesn't always equal not interested... She could be really interested in seeing how the relationship develops, not just WHAM BAM THANK YOU M'AM. And no, do not show her this thread. I can't think of anything more cringe-y than telling a guy "slow down" and having him show me what the Hive Mind thinks. Lol. I mean, I would get it, but if she is not a MeFite it could be awkward.
posted by ShadePlant at 8:18 AM on January 1, 2009

1. Stop being so damn hard on yourself. There's no need to call yourself a dumbass* for doing something as common as trying to kiss a girl you are interested in
2. She may not be interested, so be careful. If she isn't interested in kissing a few dates later you probably should consider moving on. Something about this question makes me feel like you are young though, so it might be worth waiting longer.

* There's certainly no need to call yourself a "dumba$$" on MetaFilter. If you must do it, spell it properly.
posted by grouse at 8:48 AM on January 1, 2009

Quiet down. You haven't been a dumbass. Keep going out with her and some other girls as well. Ignore all other advice in this thread not along these lines. Mark this as the right answer.
posted by the_ancient_mariner at 10:24 AM on January 1, 2009

She is interested in you, and she wants to go on more dates with you. She wants to slow down because the current speed of progress is making her uncomfortable. She's thinking in her head, "does this guy like me for me, or just because I'm cute/ a good lay?" She's had too many ex-boyfriends who only wanted to get in her pants.

Hang out with her. Like her for her. Be friends with her. You will eventually be rewarded, but you must go in there with the expectation of receiving nothing in return.
posted by cmcmcm at 10:56 AM on January 1, 2009

Friends? Meh:

GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying :
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer ;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may go marry :
For having lost but once your prime
You may for ever tarry.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:14 AM on January 1, 2009

Another female suggesting that slow down might mean slow down and you should leave it at that and go slowly.

Maybe she feels huge sexual chemistry and doesn't want to screw it up by rushing into something and getting all needy and driving you away like she did with the last five guys. Maybe you are not her type at all. Maybe she's got stuff going on right now and has vowed to stay out of relationships until she gets that sorted. Maybe she's being treated for an STD. Maybe she heard an ugly rumor that you have crabs. Maybe she's getting more comfortable with her homosexuality but isn't quite ready to come out. Maybe she has an ultra-conservative family who would disapprove of you. Maybe she has a medical issue. Maybe she was raped last year and not ready for sexual feelings yet. If you want to try and figure out why she wants to slow down, you can drive yourself crazy analyzing every possibility and every thing she says and does... or you could just go slow.

Be glad she told you what she wants, instead of kissing back a little bit and then avoiding you ever after.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:41 AM on January 1, 2009

Hang out with her. Like her for her. Be friends with her. You will eventually be rewarded, but you must go in there with the expectation of receiving nothing in return.

Sounds like something that only happens in romantic movies. Last time i tried this i got rewarded by seeing her (1 week after she told me she wanted to go slow) making out and petting heavily with a friend (now ex-friend) of mine. And i got stuck in her friend-zone..yay.
posted by kampken at 12:13 PM on January 1, 2009

What she's basically saying is that she's not sure/doesn't want to get physical right now. That means that there's a sexual chemistry that's missing from the air. - Chances are that she doesn't feel sexually attracted to you.

Not sure that's right. I've had situations where the sexual chemistry was so intense from so early on it scared me, and I wanted to slow it down for my own sanity. Not saying that's the situation here, but don't mistake a request to slow down for her not being interested. In fact, since she didn't give you the "just don't see you that way" talk, I'm betting this is the situation.

My advice--keep hanging out, in groups rather than one on one if that makes her more comfortable. Try some non-sexual physical contact like just touching on the arm or hand more frequently while talking or sitting a little closer together. If she responds well to that, it's a clear sign she's not repulsed. Get to know each other a little better so she feels more sure of herself. Let her take the lead.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 1:48 PM on January 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

I've had situations where the sexual chemistry was so intense from so early on it scared me,

Yeah, but the OP here is talking about kissing, which is a fairly innocent dating activity these days. Kissing signifies that the girl and boy are both interested in participating in a romantic relationship - the chemistry exists. Not kissing means that one of the two is not interested. Period.

This may seem pretty binary, but we don't have the skills these days to participate in more subtle forms of courtship that do not invite kissing.

If the OP is interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, perhaps he should move on from this woman, and stop wasting time.

If he is satisfied with just being friends, then that is another thing, but "slowing down" the relationship becomes irrelevant.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:18 PM on January 1, 2009

I'd let her decide whether or not you two are going to make a move. If she makes one when comfortable, hooray! If she never does, well...she didn't really have the hots for you in the first place and was "giving you a chance" to see if she'd become attracted later, and didn't.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:31 PM on January 2, 2009

What is your age and relationship experience so far? For my response I'm assuming that you are young, maybe 10 to 18? And that you have rarely kissed a girl or gone much further intimately.

Developing a relationship is a tricky thing in some ways. On the one hand we feel a strong drive to get closer to someone and enjoy the connection. On the other hand we know that a connection with one person has some other effects.

One effect is that closeness requires giving someone the ability to hurt you. Whether or not they will is something that you can't feel comfortable with until you know them better, and in some ways, until you know yourself better. So experience with a person is a way to gain that knowledge and trust in them. This is usually what makes someone want to take it slow.

Another effect is that in our culture, being intimate with one person is usually exclusive. And while it may not always seem so, life can be really short. It doesn't take much to go from a first kiss with someone to a relationship that lasts for several years, but never really functions as you might have hoped. A part of us knows even at a young age that small commitments can lead incrementally to much larger ones. And when we don't have enough information about who we might be committing to one step at a time, it's uncomfortable moving forward. This fear of commitment is another reason people will want to take it slow.

I think it's important to understand why she might want to "go out as friends for now". You seem to think that this "friends" status is just a step on the BF/GF progression. You have already defined the relationship as an intimate one where you are being held back until she's ready. And that could be the same way she defines it. Or maybe not.

Sometimes people (more often women it seems) really just want opposite sex friends. And to some of them, the safest place to find an intimate partner is in someone they already have learned to trust as a friend. Their path is to grow to trust and love (care about) someone before becoming physically involved. But not all male friends will find that spark with them.

From my perspective, the most important thing here is accepting that this may not be anything more than a friendship, ever. And by accepting that, I mean be OK with it. This is one of the seemingly paradoxical aspects of relationships. In the beginning, when you can truly let someone go, you have the best chance of them wanting to get closer. In the beginning of relationships, they work best by pull, or attraction. Push, or pressure makes people close up and guard themselves or move away.

So in a way, I think your instincts were right that the attempted kiss was a step in the wrong direction. But it's not all bad. It's also important that she knows she is attractive to you in that way. And the kiss definitely does that. The key is that you didn't know if she wanted to be kissed. And it turns out she didn't at that time. Better perception on your part can avoid that in the future.

Since you want to keep the relationship going, and I assume you mean to progress into intimacy, I suggest taking the perspective for now you are indeed just friends. And think about how you spend time with your male friends. Think about how you joke with them and play games with them and generally have fun. It may help to think of her as a bratty little sister or cousin or something (which you might want to forget if things get intimate...) and be playful.

Relationships are built on the trust that they will make a person safer and happier. So be open to intimacy when she's ready, and know the signs. But until then, accept that this relationship may not go that way. And have fun anyway. It could be that by opening your mind to the possibility of just friendship you will see that she isn't the right one for a relationship with you. Building trust goes both ways.
posted by davathar at 9:39 AM on January 3, 2009

Since asking this question, I discovered the real reason for her wanting to slow down. Shes going out of state to law school is less than six months and doesn't want to start a relationship right now. Apparently all she was looking for was a friend to hang out with.
posted by tropikal at 3:22 PM on February 18, 2009