I can haz sexzy t1m3? Wiz scaredz of s3x catz?

December 30, 2008 12:46 PM

Okcupid.com: she's "less desiring of sex". I'm "more desiring of sex". Should I avoid? She's cute. Slightly NSFW details inside, if your boss is reading over your shoulder.

I'm somewhat obsessed with Okcupid.com. Recently a woman who would seem in all respects to be a cute, healthy person that, all things being equal, I'd like to date wrote to me. She was awarded the "less desiring of sex" medallion. We've emailed back and forth a bit.

I'm a 33 year old male. I would say my sex drive is in the high normal range. Ideally in a relationship I like to be having sex upwards of 5 times a week. In relationships in the past, I was with women who were fairly far on the other end of the spectrum...once a weekers. It was not a good situation for either of us. In addition, it takes me a long time to get off. So sex takes a while for me, an additional frustration for the women. My kink level is pretty low. I'm just excited about pretty great vanilla sex.

For a while I thought there was something wrong with me, and felt like I was really annoying the women that I was with (one in particular, who made me feel kind of bad about it). More recently, I've found that my desires and the amount of time it takes me works just fine for a lot of women. But none of those have worked out as a relationship.

So this woman wrote to me recently and she seems really cool and cute. She identifies herself as "bi". Looks sort of wholesome in a cute way. She seems funny and interesting. Basically, minus the "less desiring of sex" thing, she'd be right up my alley. Perhaps in a big way (I'm well aware that people online can be totally different in real life, but my basic guess is that she's someone I'd be interested in).

I know I'm overthinking this to some degree. But I'd hate to find myself in a situation where I like everything about someone, but this desire for sexual frequency fucks everything up, makes me feel like a jerk, makes her feel frigid and wastes a bunch of everyone's time. Given that I'm sort of given this information about her, should I just nip it in the bud? Should I explain my reservations? Should I assume that it's just a stupid dating site thing, and probably doesn't mean anything, and see what happens?

I've sort of developed the opinion that people's amount of sexual desire doesn't change much after a certain period of exploration. Am I wrong? Mine is pretty much pegged at 11, all the time.

posted by anonymous to human relations (40 comments total)

Those little quizes mean nothing. Go on a date.
posted by k8t at 12:49 PM on December 30, 2008 [10 favorites]

If she doesn't want sex, she doesn't want sex. It's not like there's a button you can push, sadly. Tell her you like sex way more than she does. The ball is in her court, then, as to where the relationship goes.
posted by Solomon at 12:50 PM on December 30, 2008

I've sort of developed the opinion that people's amount of sexual desire doesn't change much after a certain period of exploration.

My amount of sexual desire changes weekly, even daily. This is common for many women.

I don't know why you'd avoid someone because of an online quiz. Just be frank about yourself you'll get a pretty good sense of whether or not you're compatible. In my (somewhat limited) experience, incompatible sex drives are more of a problem if there's some breakdown in communication, which isn't something you'll have to deal with right at the beginning anyway.
posted by muddgirl at 12:53 PM on December 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

You may be sexually incompatible. Or not.

OKCupid is at least as qualified to judge this as strangers on the Internet. Which is to say, not very.
posted by veggieboy at 12:55 PM on December 30, 2008 [3 favorites]

I don't know what question they asked, but are the answers to those questions relative? That is to say, is it possible you could give different answers yet mean the same thing? (I suppose it wouldn't be a very good questionnaire if that were so.)

If there's wiggle room in the way the question is phrased, I'd say go for it. You never really know until you meet them.
posted by crickets at 12:59 PM on December 30, 2008

I've taken some of those quizzes and I find myself having trouble with fitting myself into one of their neat little box answers, when a lot of stuff for me is a gray area. I wouldn't read a lot into it.
posted by Maisie Jay at 12:59 PM on December 30, 2008

At one time my okcupid profile listed me as both "more spontaneous" and "more of a planner." Those awards don't mean anything. Go on a date with her. After all, there are so many other ways you might not like her before you even get to the sex drive compatibility!
posted by gladly at 1:02 PM on December 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

Why do people sit around and try to think of reasons for and against being with someone before they've actually tried it out, like a cat trying to figure out if the pool is made of water by staring at it?

Oh yeah, becuase they're (we're) afraid to get hurt. Sorry, doesn't work that way. You like her, she wrote you, give it a shot. If your sex lives don't jibe you'll figure it out at some point. It's possible she just hasn't met someone as perfect as you, or that you like making it with her so much it cools your constant itching. Or it'll turn out terrible just as you fear. But you won't know that until you ACTUALLY HAVE SEX WITH HER.

Sorry, watching too much House recently.

Jump in.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:03 PM on December 30, 2008 [2 favorites]

I can't remember how those quizzes go, but maybe it's "less desiring of sex" as opposed to love? And maybe she wants to be in love, like, 13 times a week?
posted by unknowncommand at 1:03 PM on December 30, 2008

Don't worry about it. These are computers not people...I know people who were on eHarmony and couldn't find even match of the advertised 43 ways of compatibility. Pretty sad when you think of it.
posted by Gungho at 1:05 PM on December 30, 2008

It's completely plausible that she just doesn't want to appear slutty.

You should be able to gauge the chemistry on the 2nd or 3rd date, but wait for the first post-coital conversation to talk about your relative sexual appetites directly.
posted by BobbyVan at 1:06 PM on December 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

I use okc quite a bit. I've come to generally trust it, in the sense that if it says someone is a 25% match I almost certainly shouldn't bother, whereas a 85% match will probably yield a date that will be at least modestly successful, eg, I'll consider it reasonable for me and this girl to have met and interacted, even if it went nowhere. And the "personality awards" are reasonably accurate.

But for god's sake, it's one person. Online dating is a huge, huge numbers game. And the okc profiling is not perfect. It says that I'm "less romantic," which I think is just plain wrong, and which I think most of my past girlfriends would disagree with.

You're overthinking this. Send the damn girl a message. Hell, in the time you took to write this question, you could have sent her something. It's really not hard to, relatively early on in a dating cycle, establish some notion of relative sex-interest, and in fact it usually happens - particularly, in my experience, with OKC-meeting dates, where people are doing a lot of active filtering, trying to eliminate non-ideal dates as quickly as possible. Go! Date the girl. The absolute worst case scenario is a little emotional ouchy as you fall for someone who you establish things won't work out with. If it happens, it'll stink for a couple of days, and then you'll get over it because you'll go on another half-dozen dates with another half-dozen girls.
posted by Tomorrowful at 1:08 PM on December 30, 2008 [2 favorites]

OKCupid has pegged me as "less dorky than most."

Those little awards really aren't reliable.
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:13 PM on December 30, 2008 [4 favorites]

k8t: "Those little quizes mean nothing. Go on a date."

veggieboy: "You may be sexually incompatible. Or not.

OKCupid is at least as qualified to judge this as strangers on the Internet. Which is to say, not very."

Taken together, these two answers are in my opinion all you need to know. Go forth, young man, and date!
posted by Effigy2000 at 1:21 PM on December 30, 2008

I like to be having sex upwards of 5 times a week. In relationships in the past, I was with women who were fairly far on the other end of the spectrum...once a weekers.

I see that you don't seem to understand what the "other end of the spectrum" really is. Nor do you understand the subtle politics of a woman claiming herself virginal, average, or hypersexual. All those are labels that a girl might pick for reasons other than their absolute truthfulness, and more for the impression she wants to convey.

You should stop taking okcupid's evaluations seriously -- because once you find out you really like someone, you often find things like this are less important than thought they were, and then fin yourself happily compromising. I think your worries about this are a front you're putting on to keep you from actually taking the risks involved in dating.
posted by Coatlicue at 1:30 PM on December 30, 2008 [3 favorites]

Those "personality awards" can come about from answering only one question in some cases. You should request a "WTF Report" (I think it might be "compare answers" or something similar on her profile) and you can see how you guys answered questions differently, which may be a more accurate representation of how you view things.

Or, you know, you could just talk to her. ;)
posted by eldiem at 1:48 PM on December 30, 2008

I know a teacher with a profile on OkC. She refuses to answer any of the questions about sex because she doesn't want a student or a student's parent stumbling across the answers. And sure enough, OkC has decreed her to be "less desiring of sex" than anyone else in the world, for reasons that have nothing to do with her actual sex drive — which, for all I know, is sky-high.

But I'd hate to find myself in a situation where I like everything about someone, but this desire for sexual frequency fucks everything up, makes me feel like a jerk, makes her feel frigid and wastes a bunch of everyone's time.

So, this isn't answering your question exactly, but it might give you a useful way to look at the situation: It doesn't have to be like this.

When your partner tells you "no," you don't have to feel like a jerk, and she doesn't have to feel frigid. You can still feel like a great guy (who happens to be turned on) and she can still feel like a great gal (who happens not to be) and you can go on with your lives.

Obviously, in the long run, yeah, you want to find someone with a compatible sex drive. But even your three-times-a-night every-night dream girl is gonna say "no" eventually, and trust me, you'll be a lot happier when she does if you can hear "no" without thinking it makes you a bad person.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:58 PM on December 30, 2008 [2 favorites]

it's a date, not a car purchase. make a mistake every once in a while. go on the date.
posted by shmegegge at 2:00 PM on December 30, 2008

Should I assume that it's just a stupid dating site thing, and probably doesn't mean anything, and see what happens

Yes, that.

You say that she wrote you and she presumably saw that you are rated as more desiring of sex and it doesn't seem to bother her all that much. yeah, those quizzes are stupid anyway. Just meet her and see what she's like. And do NOT ask her at your first date how much she likes to have sex on a weekly basis.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 2:18 PM on December 30, 2008

eh, don't worry about it. It's very possible she just doesn't want to attract dudes only looking for sex.
posted by OrangeDrink at 2:19 PM on December 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

My boyfriend of six years and I are only 68% compatible on OKCupid, while a friend of his (whom I loathe) and I were something like 94% compatible. Online quizzes don't mean a thing. Hang out with her, and go on from there.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:28 PM on December 30, 2008

So this woman wrote to me recently

Seriously?! She wrote to you, after seeing your profile status as "more desiring of sex" and you're worried?! SHE WROTE TO YOU, you'd have to be too idiotic for you own good not to go out on a few dates with her. Get off the internet and makes plans for a date right now and quit over-thinking this. At some point in the first several dates, discuss sexual frequency and you'll have your answers.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:51 PM on December 30, 2008 [2 favorites]

Yes, you are overthinking and over-worrying this.

Youre 33, single, and are turning down potential dates because of some internet quiz? Why are you so sure this date will even lead to sex? I re-read you question and I think the only thing that comes to mind is: beggars can't be choosers. You remind me of someone I know who is so picky that he will never be happy and will probably be alone for the rest of his life.

Just go out on the date. Worry about the sex stuff when/if it happens. If this blossoms I think you'll find a natural compromise, just like all couples.
posted by damn dirty ape at 2:51 PM on December 30, 2008

Honestly, you are WAAAY overthinking this. Those medallions on Okcupid aren't things that you choose for yourself, the site assigns them based on the questions you answer. Ask friends what some of their medallions say about them and if they agree. Let it go, meet her and put off picking out wallpaper for the nursery until maybe the 3rd date. ;-)
posted by kenzi23 at 2:56 PM on December 30, 2008

BTW, sex frequency from the kinsey institute:

30-39 year olds an average of 86 times per year

That's your age range. You're asking for 260 days which is three times the national average. Perhaps you should be more realistic with your expectations, especially if you are looking for a LTR.
posted by damn dirty ape at 2:57 PM on December 30, 2008

Those quizzes don't mean anything, and you won't know until you try.

Get thee out there!
posted by dunkadunc at 3:00 PM on December 30, 2008

Dude!

She's "less desiring of sex" just because she hasn't met you yet!

Go get her!
posted by wfrgms at 3:13 PM on December 30, 2008

Yes, you are overthinking this. If you were my friend and you told me this, I would try to knock some sense into you. If you two are talking, give it a chance. You never know...
posted by toaster at 3:16 PM on December 30, 2008

Another vote for go on the date! When I've 'compared profiles' (the one where you see the normal distributions comparing your 'Adventurousness', 'Coolness', etc.) with people I know in real life, a lot of the results are more or less consistent with how we see ourselves, but a good number are...not.

Go on the date!
posted by heyforfour at 3:46 PM on December 30, 2008

They really need to put the old name for that so-called award back--it used to be called "more/less sex-driven." It's a better description of what they're measuring. Now I'm wondering whom I'm missing out on because I'm listed as "less-desiring," too. It's not true! Now go ask her out.
posted by sister nunchaku of love and mercy at 4:59 PM on December 30, 2008

Since your main question has been answered pretty thoroughly, I'm going to chime in with a tangential answer. Dan Savage addressed exactly the situation you describe (boy wants sex 4-5 times a week, girl wants sex once a week) in his column a while back. I really like his perspective: it's highly unlikely that your partner's libido will match your own all of the time, and it behooves every couple to work out a way for the higher-libido member to be satisfied without either person feeling bad. In this particular question Dan advises the girl to commit to having great sex once a week and giving her boyfriend a "thorough milking" the other three nights he's horny. That specific arrangement may not work for you/your future partner, but perhaps there's a creative solution that will.

So yeah, go on a date with this woman. If things are going great and the only hiccup you foresee is a libido difference, brainstorm some creative ways to address it that leave you both feeling satisfied.
posted by rhiannon at 5:44 PM on December 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'd consider myself a high-frequency-er, and I would NEVER check a "I like to have sex all the time" box on a survey, for the same reason that, although I appreciate my physical assets, I wouldn't go on a first date with my chest hanging out of my blouse. There are times and places and first impressions and double standards and all the rest.

And don't give up on finding someone to share daily hour-long vanilla sessions.... you don't live in New York, do you? ;)
posted by thebazilist at 5:53 PM on December 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

I was dating around on OkCupid for a couple years. The how much sex metric never seemed accurate to me. I think that girls on the site downplay how much sex they want so they can avoid guys who only want a hookup. From what I hear a lot of guys on the site are skeevy little shits only looking for a hookup.
posted by valadil at 7:33 PM on December 30, 2008

Go on a date with her.

You're over thinking this plate of beans. The tests as others have said are meaningless. Go find out if you're sexually compatible, and if you're not, well maybe you'll get a funny story out of it. But no girl really does want to be seen as, "I'll have sex with anything that moves!" Especially on the internet.

Also, if you're turned on, but the woman ain't... woo her, for a while. Most women really love it. :)
posted by Attackpanda at 8:21 PM on December 30, 2008

Your post reads like you haven´t gone on a date with anyone off okcupid yet. It´s time to jump. Write her back, ask a question about something in her profile that doesn´t have anything to do with sex, and progress to a first date. Learn more about what she´s like in person.

From personal experience I´ve also found that it would be possible to use those little medallions to warn yourself away from people who have different desires than you do -- but if I had I would have missed out on some great times and a chance to learn and grow.
posted by yohko at 8:28 PM on December 30, 2008

Don't take it too seriously. I have a "badge" that annoys me (not the no sex one but another one), that I have tried to change by answer questions differently etc, to no luck. So she may not feel it's representative of her but she's stuck with it. I wouldn't take it too seriously.
posted by whoaali at 9:35 PM on December 30, 2008

Fact: OKCupid's "more desiring of sex" award has a lot to do with promiscuity. People who want lots of sex inside a relationship, and don't have very much when single (and therefore haven't had tons of partners), don't get an award in that category or could even get the "less desiring of sex" award despite masturbating ten times a day. Of course, she could actually be less desiring of sex, but that's not the only reason for getting that award.

Opinion: It's not enough reason not to ask her on a date. See what happens. What do you have to lose -- a few hours spent getting to know someone cool?
posted by booksandlibretti at 1:17 PM on December 31, 2008

rhiannon is right to mention Dan Savage's recent column, which is what I immediately thought of. If not because the advice is right on (I actually tend to disagree with the mandated great-sex-once-a-week-plus-thorough-milkings routine) then because Dan Savage's message is all about understanding that in any sexual relationship there is a give-and-take that is ONLY healthy when both/all participants are fully apprised of the situation and are in open communication about it.

So go forth, and date. And just be ready to be open with your needs, and make yourself approachable for partners to share their needs.
posted by greekphilosophy at 1:31 PM on December 31, 2008

If she identifies as 'bi', odds are she enjoys the coitus.

Only one way to find out...
posted by dgaicun at 2:13 PM on December 31, 2008

People you like but don't have sex with are called friends. Have this woman for a friend. Find a different woman to date.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:37 AM on January 1