How can I leave my 90-something relatives behind?

December 26, 2008 6:35 PM

How can I move out of my hometown and leave my elderly relatives all alone?

(posted anonymously so my workplace doesn't know I'm fixing to leave).

My wife and I were both born in this small to medium sized town where we still live. We are in our mid 30's and have George Bailey syndrome--we've dreamed of moving to a bigger city (with warmer weather). While moving in the past has been just something we wanted, now it's becoming a matter where we have to move or let our careers stagnate. We've been fortunate enough to climb the corporate ladders at a good clip, and there simply aren't very many opportunities left for us in our geographic area. But should we move to a larger market, there are a ton of opportunities for us to continue.

But what's holding us back is my godparents. Not a blood relative, they were close friends of my parents and are to me what most people's grandparents are to them. With absentee parents, my godparents practically raised me for most of my youth.

But now they're in their early 90's. Due to their age, most of their friends have died. Due to a family rift, I no longer speak to my parents or other siblings in the area, and neither do my godparents. This has left us in the uncomfortable situation of being my godparents only social outlet, and caretaker.

When we have talked about moving away in the past, my godparents have reacted with hurt and scorn, and have straight out said to us they want us to stay in this town until they are dead, and that they are old so it won't be much longer. However, I do not want to sit in this town on a deathwatch, waiting for these people I love to die. More, while they are in their 90s, they are both in excellent health and my godmother's mother lived well past 100.

We have even broached the topic of them moving with us, but they built their house off my godfather's plans in the 60s and plan on dying in that house; they refuse to leave.

But we can't bear to stay in this town until we're in our 50's, focusing more on retirement than career advancement.

How can we balance our love for our elderly relatives with our desire to move the hell out of this town?

posted by anonymous to human relations (11 comments total)

It sounds like you have already decided to move so the question is what can you do to support your godparents while living in another city.

The first obvious issue is that if you go, they will be hurt and angry. You already know this. Based on family history, you will have to judge if they are likely to hold the grudge for a long time or if they cool down once you move. Assuming they don't disown you, here are some ideas:
- Call every Sunday (some other predictable time)
- Set up a webcam, teach them to use it and make video calls (the video connection brings you closer)
- Plan on visiting for holidays
- Check out local resources for the elderly. Know what is available so you can suggest it when the time comes. Is there a senior center where they can go for recreational activities? Someone they can hire (if they haven't already) to help with house and yard work?
If/when they reach the point they can't stay in their home any more (particularly if one passes away, leaving the other alone) be prepared to repeat your invitation to have them move to a retirement home/nursing home in your new city.
- Have a baby who will call them Grandma and Grandpa - I know many parents who were willing to forgive much once a cute little baby came along. (Not actually a good reason to have a child but a bonus if it happens)
posted by metahawk at 7:06 PM on December 26, 2008

try to move somewhere close.

and i'll say one thing, though perhaps it won't make me very popular on askmefi, but i believe that if your godparents are in their right minds they will want you all to be happy. if they aren't in their right minds, they would have thought differently when they were. see what you can do about fixing the problems in your family, and explain the situation to the godparents. you could also suggest that they move with you, because seemingly they don't have many friends there anyway.

i think it might be the one thing you all really regret for the rest of your lives if you don't follow your dream.

just try not to let them feel like you're leaving them for good, or that you don't care about them.
posted by big open mouth at 7:17 PM on December 26, 2008

You could hire a geriatric social worker to visit them regularly. A GSW could provide personal care and a social outlet, and act as a liaison to other services. That way you could know that someone was watching out for your godparents in your absence.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 7:31 PM on December 26, 2008

In this economic climate I can't help but wonder why they don't want what's best for you.

I would emphasize when breaking the news that you need to move to continue to climb the ladder. I would let them know it is a hard decision, but that the decision has been made.

Frequent visits, (they are retired, can they fly?) to see you would help. You can probably get good airfares for them since they can fly mid-week. Look for frequent flyer/rapid rewards programs.

E-mail is helpful. My mother is in her late 70s, and it helps. Webcams are nice, but I doubt my mom will ever be that advanced.

Also, ditto what others have said.
posted by 6:1 at 7:44 PM on December 26, 2008

A good start might be showing them what you've written here.

You might want to explain the inevitable resentment if you stay just for them. Not to mention the fact that at one point you will start wishing they were dead.

Also, you can explain to them that you are in no way abandoning them. For your life you've made the choice that you need to move. Now they have a similar choice, either you are important enough that they choose to follow or they choose to stay in their house. How this plays out is in their hands.

You are either their caretaker or you're not. If you decide you are, then they go where you need to be, not where they want to be.
posted by JakeLL at 12:58 AM on December 27, 2008

No one who truly loves you would want you to sacrifice your future financial security and happiness for their very temporary comfort.

I can't speak from the experience of being of an extremely advanced age, but I can imagine it's rather lonely and a bit scary as your physical agility has radically decreased. Certainly I can be sympathetic to them wanting to keep you around. Still... you'll outlive them by 40 years. They can't expect you to make crappy choices in the present just to make the theoretical decade they have left unfold exactly the way they want.

Sometimes you have to be self serving.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 7:20 AM on December 27, 2008

No one who truly loves you would want you to sacrifice your future financial security and happiness for their very temporary comfort.

But it isn't temporary. They are 90 years old and we're talking about what is literally the rest of their lives here.

They can't expect you to make crappy choices in the present just to make the theoretical decade they have left unfold exactly the way they want.

Oh yes, yes they can. For a lot of old people, the world becomes incredibly small as they grow older. I once flew Heathrow > Newark > Dallas > Austin to visit my 92 year old grandmother in one hellish 20 hour journey and she was earnestly upset and put out that I arrived 30 minutes late for lunch.

I am not saying any of this is reasonable. I am however saying that it is predictable and very real. Routine, expectations, and security are extremely important to people like this. They are extremely unlikely to move at this stage, for example.

Anon, is it possible to move someplace where it is feasible to come back regularly? Can you commit to spending Thanksgivings and Christmas with these people until they die? Are they financially able to carry the cost of care at home? If not, can you?

I recognise that these are not your parents but they are your family, they did raise you, and you do have an obligation to them in my book. By all means, do what you and your wife need to do to progress your lives, but do right by these people who love you, too.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:32 AM on December 27, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

The song "The Ghost of Mrs. Addison" addresses these type of guilty feelings (no answers, but it might help to hear it in a song).
posted by salvia at 10:24 AM on December 27, 2008

They can't expect you to make crappy choices in the present just to make the theoretical decade they have left unfold exactly the way they want.
Oh yes, yes they can. For a lot of old people, the world becomes incredibly small as they grow older. I once flew Heathrow > Newark > Dallas > Austin to visit my 92 year old grandmother in one hellish 20 hour journey and she was earnestly upset and put out that I arrived 30 minutes late for lunch.

Nthing this. I've experienced this same thing with both my own elderly parents as well as my 70-something father-in-law. My Dad is used to going out to lunch every day (but is not supposed to drive), so when Mom happens to not be available one afternoon (she has a doctor's appointment or something), Mr. Adams and I drive down and pick up Dad to take him to his favorite diner for lunch. He knows we work from home and have varying deadlines and unexpected work-related conference calls, but arrive 10 minutes past his usual lunch time and he'll gripe "I thought you weren't coming and I'd starve to death." Mr. Adams had once come up with a master plan of building a house that included separate "apartments" for both sets of parents while still being connected to the main house where he and I would reside, but all parents involved refused to leave their current homes. So, long story short, you're probably not going to be able to move away and not feel guilty about leaving your elderly relations behind. Nor will they understand why you moved away. But to bottom-line it, it's your life, you must do what you feel is ultimately best for you and your wife. If you do move away, you'll have to adjust to the fact that there will be hard feelings left behind.

But we can't bear to stay in this town until we're in our 50's, focusing more on retirement than career advancement.
You're in your mid-30s, and your godparents are in their early 90s. Unless medical science makes some amazing leaps in the meantime, I don't think they'll still be around when you are 50-something.
posted by Oriole Adams at 2:06 PM on December 27, 2008

Honestly, it's gonna come down to "you or them" here. You will have guilt and they will have anger if you do this. Period. No way of getting around it or mitigating it. I can't think of a thing to tell you that's comforting.

I would probably stay another 10 years, but elderly guilt is HUGE in my family, and I know all too well how eldercare goes when you are living there vs. living far away. There's no one else BUT you to do the job, how is it going to get done? Are you okay with flying back often every time someone falls and breaks a hip? Do you have the legal power to take care of them anyway? And how far away do you have to move in order to advance your careers? The next state? The other coast? Those are factors too.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:36 PM on December 28, 2008

Is it financially feasible for them to keep their current house (as a summer house, say) and still move to your new city? They'll still probably refuse, but I just wanted to throw that option on the table.
posted by desjardins at 12:03 PM on December 30, 2008