living as a couple.. alone.

December 25, 2008 7:18 PM

Am I being unreasonable in my expectation to live with my boyfriend alone (ie. not share a house with other people)?

My boyfriend and I live in a three bedroom house. We started out as housemates three years ago, and after about 8 months, became a couple. We have always had another person sharing the house with us.

In a few months, our housemate will move out. I don't want to replace them. It is important to me that we have some privacy and autonomy as a couple, which I described as having an 'adult relationship' rather than living like students. I need time to myself at home and find this difficult with a housemate. It is the small things too, like not having to get dressed if I want to get up and make a coffee to take back to bed in the morning.

My boyfriend said I should go see a psychologist about this 'adult relationship' concept and seems to think it is indulgent that I want us to live alone. He doesn't think it is worth the extra money to just split the rent between two of us. He also refuses to move to a smaller house because the place we live does have an exceptional amount of outdoor and shed space that he uses for his hobby - it is unlikely we would find something similar at a better price in any of the areas we would like to live.

We are both 30. We earn roughly $4000/month EACH after tax (he earns a little more than me). The rent for the whole house is about $1500/month. The rent is currently split equally three ways.

We are saving to buy a house, which is his argument for saving the money by having a housemate. However, there is no clear plan on how long we may be saving, so it is hard to see it as a short term arrangement. He also seems to think that even after buying a house, we could continue to have a housemate.

For me, part of the point of having my own house is so that I am not answerable to anyone else.We live a reasonably frugal lifestyle, and the privacy is something I think is worth spending money on.

He has now agreed to try six months of living without a housemate to see how it affects our finances. I am pleased with this, but still feel bewildered that he doesn't think it is reasonable for me to want us to live alone and that he suggested that I need to see a psychologist because I described living as a couple without other people as forming part of an 'adult relationship'.

I don't feel that I need to see a psychologist about this, but instead will resort to the armchair psychology of MetaFilter to give me some outside perspective on whether my feelings are unusual or unreasonable.

Thanks!

posted by anonymous to human relations (46 answers total)

I do not think your feelings are unreasonable. I feel the same way. I even refuse to share hotel rooms with friends on trips to save money- it's not worth it to me. That said, it sounds like this is an issue that the two of you need to discuss further and come to some sort of compromise on. Perhaps you could have an apartment with a separate entrance in your new home, in order to earn some extra income?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:28 PM on December 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

A data point: I have been living for a year in a house with seven adults (including me). For most of that time there were two settled couples in the house (one couple the owners). I don't think they had unadult relationships. They'd been living that way for a long time. Also, no one bothers with putting on clothes if you don't feel like it -- if you want to run get water or coffee or whatever naked, well, you do. If you prefer a robe or something, you do. If you want to run around the house naked all day, well, you're welcome to.

This does not mean you have to live with a third person if you don't want to -- but I don't think living with roommates as an adult couple is somehow "student living" or "not adult". It's just a choice about how you arrange your life.
posted by R343L at 7:30 PM on December 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

If the issue is purely financial, then it can be settled by finding a place where the rent is about a third less than the current place.

Living together without housemates is a step taken in most serious long-term relationships. As long as we're practicing psychology-across-the-internet, I say it was a brief spasm of fear-of-commitment on your boyfriend's part and his brain came up with some random excuse to justify it, so the actual words he chose to say shouldn't be taken too seriously. When you said you wanted to live together without a housemate, it was something like "why don't we move in together?" or "what about getting married?" might be in other circumstances, and he had a little freakout. He's agreed to try it out and you'll see how long-lasting the feelings behind the freakout are.

If he continues to believe you need counseling, he'll mention it again and you can ask more detailed questions. If he doesn't mention it again, I'd say he said something stupid in a bit of a panic and, if you can, it would be nice to just let it slide.

Again, the financial issues are easy to solve. If it's still a problem in six months, propose a solution to the financial issue and see what else remains behind them.
posted by winston at 7:33 PM on December 25, 2008 [3 favorites]

No, I don't think it's unreasonable at all. My boyfriend and I started out exactly as you did, roommates then a couple, and almost a year ago decided to make the switch to just the two of us living alone. We both had our reservations, but decided the kind of benefits you mentioned outweigh them. It has worked out pretty well so far. The only problem is it has a tendency to isolate--the natural tendency is to go all couplesville and hibernate. Maybe your boyfriend is worried about that?

It could be your wording, but your boyfriend sounds like he's being kind of a dick. It's one thing to disagree with what constitutes an adult relationship, and another to suggest your partner needs therapy if you don't like their opinion.
posted by schroedinger at 7:37 PM on December 25, 2008 [3 favorites]

This seems very straightforward; he simply values saving the money more than being alone with you, and you value being alone with him more than saving the money.

That's not a slam to either of you; you just have different preferences, that's all. And that you've recognized that a short trial period of time without housemates is the reasonable compromise to take -- well, that speaks to the health of your relationship, actually. Relationships aren't about you both agreeing on things -- they're about disagreeing often on key things and working out successful compromises.

So, take the six months. And, during that six months (preferably in the first three) work out your savings plan to see how much (and for how long) you'll need to save for a house. Then, at the end of the six months, talk about it and figure out what makes the most sense -- getting a roommate again to shorten the house savings period, or putting off the house purchase for a while in order to reap the benefits of living together without a housemate.

Note that after six months, who knows how you'll both feel? Right now you're comparing the known value of having housemates and saving faster against the theoretical (since you don't have a savings plan, and have never lived as a couple alone) value of the alternative. After six months, it won't be theoretical any longer, and you'll both be in a better position to make the call.

You might end up both swinging one way or the other, sticking to your guns, flipping positions, not really caring either way...all perfectly reasonable. Of course, you might find out you really want to be alone away from HIM, or that he needs housemates to avoid being alone with YOU, but those positions are quite unlikely compared to the reasonable ones.

In short, I just wrote a lot about a very little problem...or really, no problem at all. Now get yourself and your normal relationship out of here so we can tell someone else to DTMFA already. ;)
posted by davejay at 7:38 PM on December 25, 2008 [4 favorites]

I'll confess: I'd be the sort of person that would tell you something similar to what he seems to have told you. I'm in approximately the same fiscal situation, but with a lower income girlfriend.

From my perspective as his proxy, he'd be paying $250/month to have no housemate. Some people just don't see that as worthwhile. I've had bad luck with any sort of shared living arrangement, so I see it as worthwhile, but that's not necessarily the case with him. From a savings perspective, $250/month adds up quickly. For one thing, that would allow him to go out for a very nice vacation every year instead. If he is a frugal person, that's just a trait you'll have to learn to deal with - honestly, I can't blame someone right now for being fiscally prudent in an economy like this, even if they do have a nice-paying job. I know an "adult relationship" is an appealing concept. However, it's also an expensive concept in the grand scheme of things. Living like a "college student" might seem inappropriate for a 30-year old, but it is a very good way to make money. I would further assert that seeing an "adult relationship" as a necessary instead of ideal goal is going to get you in trouble eventually. Such pursuits are the same that cause people to buy a "necessary" new car when they can't afford them or a $700k house on a $50k income. Of course, I'm not accusing you of any of those. Those are just the thoughts that came through my head when I read your post.

That said, I do find the comment about going to a psychologist to be a bit excessive. There is room for disagreement in a relationship. As you may guess, I don't think it's necessarily "weird" to have a couple live in a shared situation. However, I think it's more appropriate to express the thought as a cost/benefit analysis rather than commenting about your mental facilities.
posted by saeculorum at 7:39 PM on December 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

er, yes, I know DTMFA already is redundant, and I have already chastised myself.
posted by davejay at 7:40 PM on December 25, 2008

If you guys are bringing in $8000 a month then the two of you paying another $250 month a piece should be fairly insignificant in my opinion.

You might want to talk to him about this issue a bit more. My thinking is he just doesn't want to live alone with you and is a bit worried about making that next step.

If you're living frugal, like you said, you should be able to save a ton of money off of 8000 in a month.
posted by zephyr_words at 7:44 PM on December 25, 2008 [6 favorites]

At first I thought he was just cheap, or possibly not ready to grow up yet, but then I saw his comment that you need to see a psychologist about the "adult relationship" concept. That, if you'll forgive me, is total bullshit. Run far away from this man.
posted by Maisie Jay at 8:04 PM on December 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

I agree that it seems like preference versus preference, and you're on the right track with the six-month trial. I would keep two things in mind, however:

First is his preference of money over having privacy with you. In my own personal relationships, I think that spending time alone without roommates or friends or a "gang" is very important, and I want a guy who feels the same. I am with you 100% with the "adult" relationship categorization, and maybe he's not ready for it or is concerned about you calling it "adult," and maybe he is worried that this is leading to other more adult things like marriage, etc.

Second is his assertion that you need therapy. This to me is very troubling; even if you were being unreasonable, unreasonable does not equal in need of therapy. Is he going to be suggesting therapy every time you have an idea that he doesn't agree with? I feel like he's trying to deflect here: you are making a request that is totally reasonable and that you are justified in wanting, and instead of talking about his feelings (he's only discussed money it seems like), he flips it around onto you and how you need therapy.

Also, the fact that the "saving for a house" is in the vague, indefinite future makes me feel that he is dragging his feet about becoming more committed.

So three things.
posted by thebazilist at 8:07 PM on December 25, 2008 [6 favorites]

He told you to go see a shrink over the idea that you wanted to live like two normal adults in an adult relationship with a home to yourself?

Who the hell actually says something like that?

You guys are taking home 8k a month after taxes and he's values a few hundred bucks over privacy and a healthy relationship with you. Wtf?

Maybe it's because I'm an intensely private person who would never allow for a house mate in the same house I shared with my wife... but if anyone told me that wanting such a thing was a reason to see a shrink (think of the -thousands- of people you know who live that way... as a couple with no "mates") I'd tell them to fuck off.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 8:10 PM on December 25, 2008 [13 favorites]

I live with a recently married couple. Obviously it's different living with a random stranger than with your best friend - my friends have said they wouldn't really consider it for anyone else - but my point is that perfectly "adult", successful, loving relationships can accommodate roommates. There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend or with his feelings towards you, just because he likes having other roommates.

That said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with your feelings either. I know plenty of people who by this point in a relationship would want to live alone together.

You have to work out a situation you're both happy with, and to do that, you need to stop belittling each other's opinions. He needs to stop telling you condescendingly to see a psychologist - you need to stop insinuating that he is immature or a bad boyfriend for not minding having roommates.

It sounds like you've come to an agreement already about how to move forward. If you're still feeling unsettled by the clash of opinions, I would just say: "Look, I appreciate that you're willing to try going without roommates, but I am feeling pretty hurt by what you said about me needing to see a psychologist. I think my desires are perfectly reasonable. I wonder if you are feeling the same way about anything I've said? Because I respect your opinion, and I'd like you to respect mine." Paraphrase a little so you sound less like a guidance counselor, maybe.

You might also consider, if your finances are still kept separate and if you can afford it yourself, offering to pay the full $500 yourself. You could use the extra room to make a study, or an art room, or whatever else suits your fancy. This may seem unfair to you, but I just thought I'd throw it out there. (This would also make it clear in a hurry whether he's really worried about finances and doesn't mind having a roommate to make things easier, or whether he actively wants a roommate for the sake of having a roommate. If it's the latter, I would be worried for your long-term compatibility.)
posted by shaun uh at 8:24 PM on December 25, 2008 [4 favorites]

It may be that you have different definitions of "adult relationship," or different value systems or whatever. There are plenty of functioning adults who have long-term relationships in group living situations; indeed, this was the norm for most of human history.

Anyway, the value you place on living along is significant, and therefore should be taken into consideration by him. His reaction may just be to the fact that by qualifying what you want as an 'adult relationship' it implies that what you have now (and by proxy, the lifestyle he leads/wants) is immature/childish/whatever.

I would suggest that to help him towards your point of view, you come up with a really cool use for the extra bedroom like as a workshop or art space or opium den.
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:28 PM on December 25, 2008

Correct me if I am wrong, but if you took him up on the suggestion to see a shrink about your "problem," wouldn't you be paying roughly the same amount of money as you would to have privacy in your own home? Your boyfriend's values here seem troubling to me. If I were you, I'd ask him in a non-confrontational way, what the hell is up?
posted by iamkimiam at 8:37 PM on December 25, 2008 [8 favorites]

nthing people who are saying that he has a hidden problem with this. Find out what it is.

In my opinion, it's probably nothing more serious than extreme frugality ("cheapness")— $500/mo goes a long, long way if you know what you're doing, and he probably wants to save up to get a new car, motorboat, whatever. If I am correct, you have a question of priorities. If you're planning on continuing, these will come up and you need to find a way to sit down and discuss them like rational adults, rather than either suggesting that the other go see a therapist or posting a complaint about it on the internet.
posted by Electrius at 9:18 PM on December 25, 2008

Therapy - yes. Couples therapy. Because either the two of you have vastly different ideas about couplehood or money or he's really not into having you as a partner. Whatever is up with that, get someone to help you sort through it.
posted by 26.2 at 9:28 PM on December 25, 2008

I think he is the one who needs to visit the shrink to help him sort out his fear of intimacy. This is unlikely about the money and more likely his fear of moving to the next step in your relationship. It could be general fear of commitment or he could have specific reservations about your relationship. I could be wrong and you get what you pay for from amateur psychologists, but the frugality seems like an excuse.
posted by caddis at 9:30 PM on December 25, 2008

DTMFA!

Seriously, if the shrink thing was just something he said in the moment, let it slide, but if he continues to devalue your opinion by suggesting that you must be crazy to not think the way he thinks, then get away from that douche.
posted by paperzach at 9:35 PM on December 25, 2008 [8 favorites]

There is a compromise option. Lower the room mate's share from $500 to $300, and interview the larger pool of applicants that you should get with an eye toward someone who isn't around as much. You can be upfront with prospective renters that this is what you're looking for.

Some people work two jobs, travel a lot for work (stewardess?), have a weekend place out of town, etc.
posted by StickyCarpet at 10:24 PM on December 25, 2008

If you guys were 21 or 22, I might side with the boyfriend, but at 30? It's time to take things more seriously and be adults on your own. You guys can afford 750 in rent each and still have enough for savings.

The bit about telling you to see a shrink about the idea of "adult relationships" is messed up and seems like a red flag pointing out worse things.
posted by mathowie at 10:43 PM on December 25, 2008 [13 favorites]

Thirding mathowie and JFitzpatrick. The disagreement is the kind of thing that can (I guess) happen between 2 people with different viewpoints, but HOLY SHIT telling you to see a shrink is class-a assholishness. (or is it assholism?)

This comes from someone who's taken the financial hit forever to avoid any roommate situations except for girlfriends, but his approach to the argument is dirty pool.

"I hold viewpoint A, and I disagree with you. Let's discuss"
"I hold viewpoint B, the only viewpoint that a reasonable person can have, and you need therapy for holding viewpoint A"

Now there are tons of conversations that can actually have this structure, and rightfully so, but unless you're leaving something important out, this isn't remotely one of them, and he's a manipulative asshole.
The best part of having a roommate is to have something to compare to living alone, because living alone or living with the person you love is SO MUCH BETTER.

The fact that you're taking this to askmefi is further evidence of your reasonableness in this. I hope the resoundingly agreed-upon reality check is convincing you.

Sounds like trouble.
posted by asavage at 12:09 AM on December 26, 2008

I like living with housemates quite a bit. I'm 30. I live in New York City though, where it's not that unusual to do so.

It's not going to get either of you anywhere to talk about what living situation is or is not adult-worthy. You guys need to find a compromise based on what each of you want and are willing to give... rather than determining which one is "wrong".
posted by specialfriend at 12:14 AM on December 26, 2008

And while the therapy suggestion was harsh, I will point out that you framed the situation as his psychological problem when you presented it as a fear of an adult relationship.
posted by specialfriend at 12:24 AM on December 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

yeah, I was all "what the bleeping hell?"about the seeing a psychologist part... but then I began to see it differently... not that he was saying that you need to see a shrink because you want to live alone as a couple, but that your definition of what is "adult" is unnecessarily narrow. I actually agree with that (not the psychologist part, though). I think it's a mistake to make the argument on the basis of what is standard, or that this way is somehow more mature than another.

Basically, it's something you want for your own comfort and enjoyment. I feel the same way; I would always choose a smaller and/or less nice place in favor of privacy in my living arrangement. There are very few things I wouldn't sacrifice in order to live on my/our own. But obviously your boyfriend doesn't have the same bias. However, he does have something that is important to him for his comfort and enjoyment, which is the outdoor and shed space that he uses for his hobby.

⇒ You could give up the extra outside space and get a place for 2/3 of the price you pay now. You'd get your privacy, but he would lose his important work areas. Win for you, loss for him.

⇒ You could continue with roommates: no hardship for him; you are denied something important for you.

⇒ You could stay in the same place without a new roommate: he retains his work space; you get your important privacy; you both pay more to keep those benefits.

⇒ You seek out over the long term (take as long as necessary) to find a place that is less expensive, that also has space for him to work on his hobby. Win-Win-Win, except the time, hassle and cost of seeking and moving.

Obviously, the final two are the options that take both your needs into account - but only the last one satisfactorily addresses the concern of money-saving versus privacy without forcing either of you to give up what you want.

Finally, I'd just say as a tip to both of you, it's not really all that useful to try to find outside objective reasons why one of you is right and the other wrong when it comes to ordinary differences of opinion. You each, to some degree, seem to be displaying an "appeal to authority" mindset about arguing your different points of view. This is not usually terribly convincing in the end; even if one of you manages to persuade the other that everybody else agrees with you, there will still be resentment and discomfort. Even if 95% of the people prefer chocolate to vanilla ice cream, if you like vanilla better, then that's the taste you prefer and the statistics won't change that. What's important to each of you is what is important to you as a couple, even if it's not what most people do/agree with.
posted by taz at 12:28 AM on December 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

Nothing anyone else hasn't said, but...

- Yeah, I would not wanna live with housemates under any circumstances. It's fine that he's not so private, but you're being completely reasonable.

- Living with housemates at 30, I think, would feel un-adult and student-y to me too, so I see where you're coming from. I'm only 24 and I would feel like I was in college if I had to live with a roommate again. That's not to say there are people who would feel perfectly adult in that situation, but it's definitely a common feeling and certainly not unreasonable.

- You guys are making way too much money for him to quibble about $250, but that's just my opinion. Still, though. Is he normally that caught up about money? If not, it makes me think he's just making excuses to not take the next step in the relationship.

- Telling you to see a shrink because you don't want roommates is WAY out of line. Do not put up with that. It's not at all cool for anyone, especially someone you're in a relationship with, to tell you that you have mental problems when you have a disagreement about something. It's manipulative and immature. I'm sure you can make your own decisions about it, but it's a troubling thing for someone to do and I'd think twice before buying a house with him. (Granted, you'll probably have plenty of time to think about it while you save up.)
posted by Nattie at 1:39 AM on December 26, 2008

instead will resort to the armchair psychology of MetaFilter to give me some outside perspective on whether my feelings are unusual or unreasonable.

Your feelings are not unusual or unreasonable. You already knew that.

You're being given a message by your boyfriend. You already know that, too. It's a message you don't want to receive.

Wake up, get dressed, and smell the coffee.
posted by ikkyu2 at 2:44 AM on December 26, 2008 [5 favorites]

I'd hardly say the two of you living together is something to be considered "indulgent". My girlfriend (now fiancee) and I moved in to our own apartment together after both living alone. We considered having some friends as housemates so we could get a bigger place and pay less, although their plans were mostly undecided so we though it would be easier just to move out by ourselves. I think it has worked out well. We often enjoy the privacy, although we have friends visit every two or three days, so we're not lacking other company.

Do you and your boyfriend get on well when it's just the two of you? There is nothing wrong with seeing a psychologist for advice (you don't have to have a problem to do it), but him suggesting that you should do so simply because you want to live alone with him is inappropriate. The economic argument for living with others can be a good one, but you both earn enough that it shouldn't be a major concern.

I think maybe he needs to understand how you feel about this, that it's not just about the money. Money's great (I love getting it!), but you can always get more, and ultimately it's a means to an end. You ought to choose the right lifestyle for you. It can be fun to live with others, but there are also advantages to living alone. People's situations change over time, and the benefits of living alone seem like they are more important to you right now. I guess you need to find a way of getting this message to your boyfriend.

Whatever happens, hope it works out for you!
posted by Eastgate at 2:50 AM on December 26, 2008

I think the creepy thing is less that he wants to live with other people/save extra money when you seem to be doing well, than that he thinks you need a psychiatrist for disagreeing on this point. Or any point.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:51 AM on December 26, 2008

Is this guy usually that unreasonable? Or is he being stubborn on this point for other reasons. To ask you to see a therapist is disturbing.
posted by philosophistry at 2:59 AM on December 26, 2008

Any chance that this all makes a great deal more sense, if considered as less than a literal statement, and also, in the following context:

"You want to spend extra money, to have no housemates, in times like this? Then you need your head examined."

It's different, but in the over all scheme of things, it sounds far less bad, and far more practical.

Now, mind you, I speak as a person who actually agrees with the OP 100%. Well, more, actually, as roommates are not worth any price, in my book.
posted by Goofyy at 3:49 AM on December 26, 2008

I'd try to broach this subject again without using the term "adult relationship." My husband always bristles whenever I wanted to do something because it was the "adult" thing to do. It's pretty much the same as calling your boyfriend and his feelings childish.

I do think that your feelings are valid, just that you should try discussing it again without using that loaded term.
posted by christinetheslp at 3:57 AM on December 26, 2008 [2 favorites]

If you guys are bringing in $8000 a month then the two of you paying another $250 month a piece should be fairly insignificant in my opinion.

There are several people in this thread saying this sort of thing. I think the issue is that "$3,000/year here and $3,000/year there and pretty soon you're talking about serious money."

I mean, the first time you apply that logic (say, to get a house on your own, which is the logical next step in your lives and relationship) you can afford it. The second time you apply that logic (say, to replace your unreliable 15-year-old car with a brand new car, which will save on repairs in the long term) you can afford it. The third time you apply that logic (to replace your broken TV, and the new one is high-definition so you need a better cable package to take advantage of it) you can afford it. The fourth time you apply that logic (say, buying premium-quality organic groceries which just taste so nice and are way cheaper than eating out anyway) you can afford that too. It's just the fifth time you apply that logic (buying good quality solid wood furniture instead of ikea junk, the better stuff will last longer anyway) that suddenly your house is being foreclosed and people on the internet are admonishing you for not living within your means.

We are saving to buy a house, which is his argument for saving the money by having a housemate. However, there is no clear plan on how long we may be saving, so it is hard to see it as a short term arrangement.

Well, it's easy enough to work out: I look at the sort of house I'm thinking of in terms of location/size/condition (£250,000) and I look at my bank's website and see how much of the house's value I need to put down (15%) then I know roughly how much money I need: £37,500. Then I look at how much I have saved towards that deposit (£25,000) and how much money I'm putting away towards this deposit (£700/month) then with a quick subtract and divide I have a ballpark figure: 18 months. Add on a bit for all the mortgage fees, lawyers' fees, surveyors' fees, movers' fees, government fees, property taxes, and you get 2 years.

In summary, I have two suggestions: 1. Get a handle on your finances, i.e. how much you're saving a month, how much you need saved, how much you have saved so far. Then you'll know how much you can afford to spend on luxuries and roughly when you'll be looking at getting that house. 2. Consider the 6 month trial a blessing because if you go through a break-up it's simpler if you're renting a house than if you're the joint owners of it.
posted by Mike1024 at 4:14 AM on December 26, 2008 [3 favorites]

Anonymous, are you male? If so, might the boyfriend actually be worried about the consequences of openly living with a partner? That is sort of the vibe that I got from the question, though I could be going down completely the wrong path.

If that is in fact the problem, perhaps he needs to explore his issues before things proceed.
posted by sueinnyc at 5:31 AM on December 26, 2008

Unreasonable expectation? Yes.
Unreasonable desire? No.
Unreasonable in the face of his opposition? Probably.

Having rent jump up by 250$/mo (150% of current rent!) is quite a lot and it's totally reasonable that your boyfriend doesn't want to pay this. It's also totally reasonable that he might enjoy living with other people. It's also totally reasonable that he might *not* enjoy living exclusively with you. It's not more or less "adult" to live with only one other person.
posted by beerbajay at 5:59 AM on December 26, 2008

For heaven's sake, take the six months and just see what happens. If you keep beating this to death in the meantime to figure out who's "right," everyone will end up feeling miserable about it. Whatever you do, don't show him this thread, and don't bring in new arguments you've gathered from this thread until he's had time to experience living alone (together) for himself.
posted by hermitosis at 8:02 AM on December 26, 2008

Different people want different living situations and I think that is fine.

Characterizing your desires as requiring therapy is extremely jerky. But characterizing his desires as not "adult" is also somewhat jerky.

Have another conversation about it and this time you should be a little more adult. Find out why he feels this way. Is it because he doesn't want to spend the money? Is it because he really likes having a housemate? Is it because he is scared of the extra commitment? Try to address those concerns without belittling them.
posted by grouse at 8:05 AM on December 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

I agree with taz, Nattie, ikkyu2, and a bunch of other people. Neither of your desires is "unreasonable" per se, but you have the right to live without roommates other than your partner, and if he doesn't like that idea (and says you "should go see a psychologist about this 'adult relationship' concept," for god's sake) he may not be a long-term partner. It's good that he's agreed to the six months, and hopefully he'll come to see the benefits. If he's still stubbornly insisting on roommates after that, I'd say it's DTMFA time. (This is not to condemn anyone for feeling like the boyfriend, it's perfectly valid on its own terms, but you need to have a partner for whom it's also valid, and that partner is not Anonymous.)

The money argument is bullshit. For one thing, the money "saved" by having a roommate is not going to be stashed away for buying a house, it's going to get spent on other things, unless you're far more disciplined than most of humanity. For another, I'd give up a lot of luxuries (like eating meat) before I'd be desperate enough to allow a roommate to share my wife's and my living quarters.
posted by languagehat at 8:46 AM on December 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

Your boyfriend's haste in recommending that you see a shrink is clearly a sign that he needs to see a shrink.
posted by adamrice at 9:08 AM on December 26, 2008

Sounds like he's already big on therapy, my armchair advice would be for you to agree to see a counselor... together. So that you can decide what an "adult relationship" means for the two of you as a couple.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:20 AM on December 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

maybe sit down and lay it all out financially--it seems to me that an extra $250/month is only too much to spend if it is already going somewhere more valuable. Can he tell you where that $250 goes and justify why it is more valuable to him than living on your own?

And if he can't, then it seems that he's just that interested in living alone.
posted by agentwills at 12:29 PM on December 26, 2008

i don't blame you for wanting the place to yourselves. i'm only 21 but my boyfriend and i recently shared a house with a roommate and it was, well, unfortunate that we couldn't have as much privacy as we would like. perhaps it's just a personal preference, but i can't imagine that in 10 years i'll be any happier about sharing a house with roommates than i am now. his requirements for his hobby do make finding a new place not likely, but perhaps you could just sit down together and figure out how much he wants to save and how much having a roommate would save and then how long you would have to have a roommate to save that much. then you could impose some sort of endpoint which might make the time less uncomfortable. and you could even insist on joint saving for a trip every year or something like that.

basically he needs to make it worthwhile to you by giving you a timeframe and incentives.
posted by big open mouth at 1:51 PM on December 26, 2008

He's being dramatic when he says you need to see a psychologist. This sounds like a matter of different preferences, not some sort of deep emotional conflict. Find a cheaper place, or do the trial period. He may just be afraid of taking that step and be using money as an excuse. If he's wanting to save money for y'all to buy a house together, though, he shouldn't be afraid of the much less committed step of living together as renters.
posted by fructose at 2:29 PM on December 26, 2008

but still feel bewildered that he doesn't think it is reasonable for me to want us to live alone and that he suggested that I need to see a psychologist because I described living as a couple without other people as forming part of an 'adult relationship'.

Nthing that something else is going on, though it's hard to tell what it could be without knowing you two. Is he the kind of person who hurls "needing psychotherapy" as a sort of insult? Or do you have strict conditions for an adult relationship (beyond the expectation that you two live alone) that are not shared in this post?

Taking your question at face value, yeah, I'd have to say that it is "normal" to expect that a couple would at some point not necessarily insist on a series of roommates as part of their household.

Since he suggested therapy, I'd agree to take him up on it -- together -- to explore both of your expectations for this relationship. It is a good sign that he's willing to try six months of roommate-free living, though. I wonder what the dynamic is like in your relationship. Is the roommate typically treated as a full part of your household? A boarder? How does the roommate affect your intimacy as a couple? Do you and your boyfriend share living expenses more like a married couple or more like roommates (Possessions jointly owned, etc?) Because this could be nothing more than garden-variety fear of commitment.

This is not to say that there is anything wrong with couples having roommates if it's a mutually agreeable situation, financially or socially. I'm always a little flummoxed when people tell me that it's bizarre for my best friend to share a hotel room with me and my SO, the logic going something like "a couple, SO and I presumably have sex in bed, so bed = sex, and so it's somehow skeevy to sleep with someone else in the room."
posted by desuetude at 2:34 PM on December 26, 2008

It is important to me that we have some privacy and autonomy as a couple, which I described as having an 'adult relationship'

Add me to the list of folks who think you contributed to the problem with your framing of the problem as him being childish. There may be other issues at work, but it's easy to imagine a scenario where he took that as a personal attack (hint: it was), and isn't necessarily a dump-worthy motherfucker, as far too many folks above have far too quickly concluded.
posted by mediareport at 4:03 PM on December 26, 2008 [4 favorites]

This shows a major fear of commitment on his part, but it may not be insurmountable. It's good that you will both get a chance to see what it's like to live together without the distraction of another roommate. When I first hooked up with my husband (we've been together 18 years now) he was living with another (male) roommate in a Manhattan duplex with insanely cheap rent. When it became clear to me that the roommate would never move out, I begged my husband (only boyfriend at the time) to move out with me into our own place. Giving up the cheap rent was his major objection, but he was really scared as hell. I wound up moving out myself (only a block away, but it was still my own studio) for a year before he came to his senses. I wouldn't recommend that for you, but empathize with how hard it can be to encroach upon his comfort zone...
posted by lgandme0717 at 5:19 PM on December 26, 2008

Speaking as someone that spent 18 months trying to get out from under a mortgage I had with my ex-bf, my advice is to please take the next 6 months to consider if you really want to PURCHASE a home with him.
posted by kattyann at 6:35 PM on December 26, 2008