How do I move on?

December 24, 2008 2:03 PM

Still new to relationships and the heartbreak that comes with. Somewhat long post with teen angst inside.

I have worked up the courage to post this question after weeks of searching and reading threads related to heartbreak on both Google and MeFi. Perhaps receiving advices specifically to my situation would assist me some more. This is possibly a simple situation to most of you adults, but I seem to be having a difficult time. First off, some background info because I suppose this would help evaluate my feelings and actions (especially the age part). I'm a 16-year-old girl who's daily activities consist of either going to school or browsing the internet. It has been this way for many years. I have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend nor even bothered dating. Therefore I am short on experiences to fall on.

The internet became more of a problem earlier this year when I fell in love with a girl from another country, whom I met on an internet community of an underground hobby. I've admired her art from afar, and felt an instant attraction to when we spoke a year later because I have a soft spot for artsy people. I am quite aware of unconsciously using fantasies to "fill in the voids" of any internet relationship, but I fell infatuated with her nonetheless. We mostly chatted on messenger, but have used webcam a few times too.

Our friendship hit it's peak when she was free to lounge around the computer over the summer. We both knew we had a thing for each other, but decided against acting on it because distance is a factor. We would make plans to collaborate projects together in the future, like building a website, but our time together slowly weaned when she entered college.

Before all the following bullshit happened, I tried ending our friendship when school started. College had helped her realize reality, and she stopped seeing me as more than a friend within a week. I had a feeling I would react like a total immature asshole if I hung on, but she wanted me to try anyways because she valued our friendship and that I had to find other ways of dealing with myself without hurting other people.

In the meantime, I would suffer some withdrawal-like symptoms, becoming more obsessive, and thinking about her every minute. I would become indecisive and angry towards her, trying to provoke her into becoming angry with me to show that she still cared (which, by the way, never worked). I now know after browsing MeFi that I shouldn't have listened for my own sake because all it did was to delay the inevitable heartbreak. I believe her plea contributed to a large chunk of the heartbreak I'm feeling now, and thus where I need advice most.

We had our on and offs that lasted a couple days each time I would get angry at her for not speaking to me more, until five weeks ago when she decided to end our friendship definitely. She claims that school work takes most of her time, and being bulimic has "sucked the life out of her". She couldn't maintain our friendship anymore because of time, lack of energy, and motivation. That she wanted me to be happy, and it wasn't anything I've done the past months. (Yeah, right.) Desperately trying to win her back, I told her what she told me -- to deal with problems without hurting anyone else, and I offered to be the friend who would be there for her. She replied back pleading that she's too tired to deal with this now, that if I really wanted to be a friend, I would wait for her to speak to me again. She said it was her last message to me, and that she won't respond to me anymore until then.

My initial reaction was shock that she wouldn't even return the favor of trying, and that she would dare tell me to wait for her as it would delay the process of grieving some more. I felt it wasn't fair that she has college which possibly helped her move on and to gain better perspective.

We've only been friends for eight months, and I'm still heartbroken on week five. Not only have I lost someone whom I connected with more so than others, I'm also guilt-ridden for being an asshole to her because I couldn't stop being infatuated with her, and that she did not return the favor of trying to maintain the friendship like I had. I read her blog sometimes too, and it's so heartbreaking to see her going through tough times battling bulimia and that I can't be there for her.

As I'm typing this now, my eyes are tearing up and my thoughts are still jumbled up. What is the right thing to do for me? How do I make peace with this?

posted by Yasuo to human relations (23 comments total)

My initial reaction was shock that she wouldn't even return the favor of trying, and that she would dare tell me to wait for her as it would delay the process of grieving some more.

This is the mark of a manipulative narcissist. I'd recommend against waiting.
posted by piratebowling at 2:11 PM on December 24, 2008

I would suggest cutting way back on the amount of time you spend browsing the web and talking to people from other countries, and focusing on getting involved in real-life activities. Internet friends cannot take the place of real-life friends. You should also stop reading your ex-friend's blog; it's not going to do anything but pick at the scab, and you'll never heal that way.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:14 PM on December 24, 2008 [3 favorites]

Agreed. This girl is bad news- avoid at all costs.

In my experience, the biggest challenge with dating is successfully writing off people who are bad for you, and DEFINITELY not making apologies for them. No matter how bad someone else's life is-- and no matter how tragic the circumstances-- you are NEVER obligated to bend to their will. My first girlfriend in high school was a cutter-anorexic, and it took me years to realize that "Boyfriend" is not interchangeable with "Therapist," and indeed, should never be.

I would advise you to move on from internet friendships and hop on a site like OKCupid.com. Start meeting people in real life. Bonus: Dating more people is a great way to reduce the "recovery time" after a hard breakup. Double bonus: The more people you date, the less hard breakups you will have, as you'll recognize warning signs and be able to get out early BEFORE you've given some jackass your heart.
posted by ®@ at 2:18 PM on December 24, 2008 [4 favorites]

You need to find new love closer to you, someone who is not so far away. The only things that heal heartache are time or new love. So either find a way to pass more time without thinking of her, or get out and start meeting new people.
posted by gen at 2:20 PM on December 24, 2008

Dude, your friend is seriously ill. She's not just blowing you off-- she's setting a boundary to protect her developing mental health and work on addressing the physical complications of her bulimia. The way to feel better about this situation is to back off and give her what she needs. In so doing, you will reinforce to her that she can have and express needs of her own and have them respected by others-- and that's the right thing to do, the difficult choice that may help her with her struggle for control. (Eating disorders: as much about control as about food.)

As for your own issues, I recommend getting out the house and finding other LGBT teens to socialize with, maybe in a support group setting where you can discuss your friend's issues and find ways to deal with your grief without hurting her recovery. Good luck.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:23 PM on December 24, 2008

Thank you for the comments so far. Getting outside opinions are helping tremendously.

I just want to add that even though I live on the outskirts of Los Angeles, getting a ride to anywhere is a bit of a dilemma because I rely on others for transportation. I've tried the local malls and stuff, but it gets old quite fast. I'll try googling LJBT groups and places where I can meet artistic teens, but if anyone could recommend specifics, that would be awesome too.

As for the ex-friend, knowing she's blowing me off because of bulimia does not make me feel any better about getting blown off in this case because my feelings for her were NEVER friendly. I wish she were more responsible with her words instead of making promises she couldn't keep, and then initially telling me to deal with the infatuation by myself without ending our friendship and hurting her.

I learned a lot from this incident and am desperately trying to move on, but it's so hard because I feel like I was screwed over and betrayed.
posted by Yasuo at 3:03 PM on December 24, 2008

The first thing I want to say is, WOW, you are very emotionally aware for 16! Please give yourself credit for that - sure, you have more to learn, but you've already got more tools available for a healthy emotional life than many people have by 25.

I've been through this. At your age and even since then. I've learned more each time. First, don't be so hard on yourself. You're still learning about human relationships in general. Love and crushes and all that can be a complicating factor in learning how to be the best possible you, but they also allow you to fast track some types of learning...like setting up boundaries and respecting your own emotional health.

In this case, you've got to peel yourself away from contact with her. It's hard, but it really is the only way to heal. Don't read her blog, don't worry over her situation, just focus on unplugging yourself from the livewire of tension between the two of you. Maybe she'll contact you when she's better, maybe she won't, but tormenting yourself while you still need healing of your own isn't going to help you any.

Add another input type to your routine for even better healing and an even rosier future. If you're the introverted or awkward type, this will be a good way to learn how to overcome your internal barriers in forming social connections and skills, making jobs and life in general so much more pleasant and successful. Find a club supporting your interests, a support group for things you need to deal with, a place with activities you find interesting, events going on in your area (from local library readings to city-wide festivals)...the possibilities are endless, and if you give yourself even one other outlet for your energy and social needs, you'll find the rewards go beyond the obvious. This is something I wish I'd been encouraged/allowed to do at your age, because it would have given me a huge head start and a lot more potential for positive opportunities.

In the future, start picking apart your crushes as they form to make them easier to work through. Some will end up in actual relationships, whether just friends or something else. You'll find many simply dissolve because the heightened tension created similarities, commonalities, or connection where there just wasn't enough anchoring it on one side or the other to go beyond the initial tension. I think you're actually already capable of doing this, based on the analysis in your description.

The harder part is acting on your findings and feelings in an appropriate manner. The more social experience you get, the easier this will be, but it's a necessary step and is always hardest in the beginning. The hurt and disappointment you're processing right now will help, though.

And sometimes you'll be wrong. In those cases, accept mis-steps when they happen, apologise, do what you can to make things better, then do better. And if you keep your mind open but with appropriate boundaries for your health, sanity, and happiness and be willing to listen to constructive criticism, though, and you should mature with less overall damage from the invariable bumps and scrapes you'll get along the way and access to far more wisdom and peace.

I know that last bit is somewhat vague, but I hope you find something encouraging in there. Overall, I think you're on a good path if you just allow yourself some space on this initial heartbreak and continue being the inquisitive, aware person you appear to be.

please consider me completely contactable if you've questions about any of the above
posted by batmonkey at 3:14 PM on December 24, 2008

it's so hard because I feel like I was screwed over and betrayed.

Screwed out of what? A relationship with someone who a, doesn't live in the same country, b, has moved onto a separate stage of life (college), and c, isn't emotionally available? No relationship is a lock, no matter how strongly you feel for someone, and given the variables of this relationship, it was very possible this one was never going to work out well. She doesn't owe you a relationship or even a friendship just because you have strong feelings for her. The sun has risen and set on the time period when your relationship was mutually beneficial. Now that it isn't anymore, she is trying to move on and you should, too. Go forth and seek out new relationships with people who are open to them. You don't have to forget all the good times you had with this girl, but you aren't going to be able to force them back into being a reality.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:24 PM on December 24, 2008 [3 favorites]

Definitely time to dive into real life and not spend so much time on the internet. That's really the easiest way to stop obsessing over her and let it go. Get busy in tangible things.

Check out http://www.meetup.com/ to look for groups that might meet near you for LGBT's, artists, whatever you're interested in.
posted by Nerro at 3:29 PM on December 24, 2008

Growing up, as women, we get attached easily. Our emotions are out there on our sleeves from the beginning. Speaking as a fellow lesbian (although I am relatively new to this side of the fence) I think this is exponentially more true. You find someone you connect with and you dive in head first. Sometimes things work out but more often than not it blows up in your face. There's a reason why they say "A lesbian's second date involves a U-haul." You can keep looking on the internet if you want, but keep it close to home for goodness sake! Trust me, this will cut down on drama considerably.

This girl has a lot of shit on her plate, obviously. It's natural for you to be hurt but realize that she thinks your relationship is detrimental to her. If you care for her, back off, because that's what her wishes are. Meanwhile, there's got to be artsy people at your school. Art class? Set building for the drama club? More real life activities, less internet trolling is a good thing.

I know you feel like you're on an island right now, but wrapping yourself up in other activities will help time do it's job of healing your heartache. Take care of yourself and mail me if you want to talk further.
posted by CwgrlUp at 3:37 PM on December 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wowsers.

I think you can make peace with this by limiting the time you spend on the internet. You sound very mature, but it seems like you don't have a ton of real social interaction outside of school. Instead of looking for a relationship, you should look for some solid in person friends. That will make a WORLD of difference and you will be much happier. The internet is amazing, but it can run your life, so stop letting it run your life.

I know it may not seem like it, but you WILL get over this and find someone better. It's like all of those year + long high school relationships that you think will last forever.

You mentioned she felt too tired to deal with all of it. I would take that as it is, it seems reasonable. In reality, you guys are VERY far away and the chances of you having a real in person relationship is slim to none. Maybe it just got overwhelming for her, and regardless of how much she likes you it's just a lot of effort for both of you when you can't even meet in person. Sometimes we just get tired of a relationship or making a lot of effort when the outcome isn't that great.

Don't check her blog/website/myspace. It will eat away at you and you will become obsessive. If you don't check those, it's like they don't even exist. Pretend like she never existed. At this point and probably (sorry) forever, your relationship will not continue (friends or romantic).

It hurts. You will recover. Hang in there and don't let her manipulate you.
posted by pdx87 at 3:42 PM on December 24, 2008

While it's great to find other LGBT teens to talk to, clubs/meetups for people united by other interests - young photographers, artists, comic-book-readers, whatever - will probably be more rewarding, and more fun!, in the long run. Often easier to get rides from your parents, too, for groups oriented around shared activities, than for groups dedicated to touchy-feely stuff (regardless of sexuality!).
posted by Marquis at 3:46 PM on December 24, 2008

What is the right thing to do for me? How do I make peace with this?

I have a few thoughts, which may offer some comfort and help. First, know that almost every person has gone through something similar in their life -- not the particulars, but in general. We've all had first loves, and first hurts. Most of us have found ourselves acting not-so-great when it ended, at least once in our lives. I hope this brings you some peace, knowing that every person you see can relate.

When my first-love relationship ended and I was about your age, I thought I'd never get over it, and would never recover. An adult told me that, as a rule of thumb, it hurts for about 1/2 the time you were in the relationship. And then, at last, you feel much better. I still find that to be true. So, know that you will feel better, and the loss you feel now will diminish.

Something you may not have thought about (or may be unthinkable at your age) is to talk about it with your mother. Perhaps right now you think of her as completely out of touch with your feelings or with people your age, but she too had a first love, and a first loss. And she knows you better than most people. She may be a great person to talk to about this, and for ideas about how you can get out and meet new people. And, she has wheels! :) If you don't drive yet, now's a good time to learn, to get a part-time job, and save up for your first car... and all the independence that comes with that.

I'd also suggest that, while you are hurting is not always a good time to jump into another relationship, because you are still sorting things out. But it is a great time to pick up new interests, activities, and friends. Joining LGBT groups is a great idea, but so is joining any group that shares your interests. At 16, now is a fantastic time to really explore every thing you are interested in, all types of groups, and all types of people.

You mentioned building a website, and that you like artsy people. Does this mean you like programming? Design? Art? Are there clubs at your school for these types of activities? Nearby museums? Extracurricular/optional classes you can take? Can you turn one of these interests into a bit of a job, to earn money for your own transportation while you meet new people?
posted by Houstonian at 4:29 PM on December 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

Aw, kiddo. You seem awfully smart, so I know you know this is normal and will pass. The deal with stuff like this is, it's like being really sick. You have to wait it out. It hurts for however long it hurts, and then something new takes its place. In the meantime you do the following: don't put yourself in dangerous positions (don't get drunk with assholes, don't get drunk and then drive home), try to take care of yourself physically -- eat decently, get some exercise. And mope around. Because that's what the rest of us do.

I will tell you this, which I learned a long time ago and has really, really helped me: life starts again and again. Again and again. You'll meet someone new and you'll recognize the excitement from when you experienced it this time. Next time it will be just a teensy bit familiar, though no less exciting -- and you'll realize -- this wasn't The One And Only. You're resilient -- not only will you get through it this time, but you'll get through it next time too, and however many times it takes. There's winter, and then there's spring. You can rely on it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 5:34 PM on December 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

My wife has already commented here, but I feel the need to comment as well. I've been a lesbian for quite some time longer than her and I've dealt with bulimia as well. I will say that you feel the need to get rid of outside contacts because you do not want anyone to be around you or see you the way you are. I have been through treatment twice for bulimia and each time I forced my friends to hate me and never want to talk to me again, because I did not want them to be around to try and stop me from self-destructing. Bulimia is a very self-destructing disease and when you do not want help, you want no one around to stop you or be the friend you need. I learned that the hard way.

It is a woman thang to get attached very quickly and it will never get any easier, but I can assure you that in time you will get over the heartbreak. And I echo what others have said stop reading her blog, and try to find something to put your focus on other than her and her problems. You have to live your life for you not for someone else.
posted by roxiesmom at 6:30 PM on December 24, 2008

As a fellow female who had an infatuation with a creative girl when I was your age, a girl who seemed to have a lot of emotional drama like the girl you describe does, trust me when I tell you that you're better off not having to deal with her. It will probably take a long, hard time to get over it, but spending time with other people will eventually do the trick.

Women, I think, are socialized from an early age to think relationships with lots of highs and lows are exciting and desirable. Like you, I would do things like get angry at her just to see if she'd get angry back and whatnot. More than the relationship being a source of happiness, it was a constant source of frustration with some sporadic happiness mixed in. I have a feeling you might understand what I mean by that.

It's important to try and not romanticize relationships like that. I know it's easier said than done, but as long as you're self-aware it'll eventually sink in. Relationships are portrayed dramatically in the media because they make a good story. Stories where people are just happy the entire time are boring because generally nothing happens. But those are stories, not real life. In real life, once you find someone who doesn't exude drama, whom you can actually feel secure around and not constantly antsy, you'll have this relationship to look back on and think, "Thank god I snapped out of it."

So. This is how you handle it: you shouldn't be hanging on to her anymore and she doesn't want you to, so you don't. You stop reading her blog or anything having to do with her or people that might talk about her. I know it's hard; I had to do that too. You're lucky insofar as it's an online thing so it's not like you have friends you both hang out with in real life who have to figure out how to manage your not talking to each other, or will talk about her while you're trying to get over her, or whom you'll be inclined to ask about her, etc. If you never speak to her again, it would be perfectly fine.

And while you're not talking to her, you fill the space she left with other people. I was mostly a stay-indoors internet type too, but I found things to do and so can you. I'm assuming you have at least some school friends. Extracurriculars eat up time too; I had choir and debate to attend to, and some social interaction came along with that by default. You don't say what country you're from, but in the United States debate tournaments are on Fridays and Saturdays so that's a great way to eat up time school normally doesn't. Preparing for them takes a lot of after school time as well, plus it's just a valuable activity. You could, of course, find any activity you'd rather do; I'm sure there's art-related extracurriculars. And of course there are activities outside the school, too.

I hope you feel better soon. It'll hurt like hell in the meantime, and I know it sounded so trite to me when people told me this, but it will get better eventually.
posted by Nattie at 7:04 PM on December 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

Oh, sweetie! First of all, let me assure you... Being a teenager is a little bit of hell that we all suffer through - something that seems easy to say coming from an adult, but is objectively true, physiologically:

Many areas of the brain alter dramatically during adolescence. One area in development well beyond the teenage years is the medial prefrontal cortex, a large region at the front of the brain associated with higher-level thinking, empathy, guilt and understanding other people's motivations. Scientists have now found that, when making decisions about what action to take, the medial prefrontal cortex is under-used by teenagers. Instead, a posterior area of the brain, involved in perceiving and imagining actions, takes over.

Which basically means that you are in center of an emotional tempest (seriously), but your skills for handling all these feelings are still very much developing. In other words, you are normal! (Actually, as others have noted here, you seem to be quite advanced for your age.) Although this information doesn't help you to feel less hurt/helpless/anxious, it might help you to understand your situation a little bit better, and perhaps serve to put it in perspective.

What you can do to help yourself is what many are suggesting here, which is to log out more often, and get out there and make other friends. Internet is a wonderful thing, and lord knows I spent vast swathes of alone-time as a teen, reading and writing, but you also need the support and interaction of offline friends, and importantly, you do need to develop in this sense as well. You seem like a super smart and interesting person and I would have been so grateful to meet a friend like you at your age. You are also lucky to have an interest that you are passionate about (these things help us stay sane!); I hope you can find teen groups or friends in your town that share your hobby... or perhaps you might try organizing a group.

Good luck!
posted by taz at 11:23 PM on December 24, 2008

I'm a 16-year-old girl who's daily activities consist of either going to school or browsing the internet. It has been this way for many years.

I know I will sound old and crotchety when I say that at 16, you don't really know what the term "many years" means. A change of scenery is what you need here, do what you can to get one. I "browse" the internet all day long too, but I wouldn't trade all the browsing in the world for some of the meatspace experiences I've had. Experience is more than simply remembering your past, it can really be an investment in every sense of the word. Get away from that terminal, and go find out what's going on in the world. NOW.
posted by telstar at 11:45 PM on December 24, 2008

"I feel like I was screwed over and betrayed"
sorry i didnt read all the detail, but i'm guessing u feel that way basically because u were screwed over and betrayed.
did you think you were going to get married?
it will take time man, but i am tipping someone better will come along.
take it easy, and try and work on the things that make you you.
posted by edtut at 2:40 AM on December 25, 2008

I'm a 16-year-old girl who's daily activities consist of either going to school or browsing the internet. It has been this way for many years. I have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend nor even bothered dating. Therefore I am short on experiences to fall on.

Following up on telstar's note about "many years" (with which agree), I also feel compelled to chime in to say that I'm not sure where you're getting the idea that at 16, you are unusually inexperienced by not having dated. I know that on TV and in movies and books (throughout time, not just current pop culture!) being a teenager is portrayed as an exciting whirlwind of first love, but the reality for many teenagers is considerably more boring.

You seem like you've pinned an enormous emotional investment on a relationship that is, by definition, not very feasible. This makes it even harder to recover, because you don't have IRL experience with her as a regular human being -- you've got the ideal of her as inspiration and then heartbreaker, without as much of the nice mundane bits in-between. Please don't think that the internet is the only place that you can meet people!

I don't know if the above will help you get over this relationship, but I hope you'll consider thinking about yourself in a more positive light. You sound so resigned to taking what you can get, like you've already failed at relationships, when you're really just beginning.
posted by desuetude at 10:15 AM on December 25, 2008

I also feel compelled to chime in to say that I'm not sure where you're getting the idea that at 16, you are unusually inexperienced by not having dated.

Absolutely. I'd say that a lot of people are inexperienced at 16 and the majority of those who think they are experienced are over estimating.
posted by mmascolino at 10:57 AM on December 25, 2008

Cut her out of your life - you need to break the old patterns you were in (visiting her blog, emailing her) in order to move on.

And come to terms with the fact that you were possibly in love with the fantasy relationship you created - or in love with being in love - and not with the real person.

Watch for that in the future, it's a killer.

And I'll have to pull out Shakespeare's quote here: Love all, trust a few. In my experience, the worst heartbreaks have been when my trust was broken. So be careful who you place that trust in - trust to take care of your emotional needs, physical needs, well, needs in general. If something doesn't feel right (e.g. your time together waning, her being emotionally distant), tread carefully and try to see the situation objectively, not emotionally (I know, a lot easier said than done).

Crappy lesson to learn, but important nonetheless. And no worries, you will meet plenty of cool people in your life. Over time, she'll be nothing but a small blip on your teenage radar.
posted by HolyWood at 1:49 PM on January 16

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your advices.

I definitely feel better now that it has almost been three months after this post. I've been following many of them (avoiding her blog, getting out more, etc.)

Today though, I stumbled across her again. It's quite hard to ignore her completely, as we're both trying to sell our services on the same hobby forum. I admit this was my fault, I shouldn't have clicked her profile...then her blog... then her dA...etc. I still feel a bit sad and miss her quite a lot because WOW is she pretty and artsy and blahblahblah. I think this is due to being cut off from the rest of the world as a pianist (and art in general), but I'm glad I have my sanity back. Now I'm just working on not missing her at all.

(BTW, if anyone knows any cool art/music/piano events near Los Angeles to meet new people, please tell.)
posted by Yasuo at 10:54 AM on March 21