How to take the next step with an online friend

October 16, 2004 12:06 PM

There's this guy I like and have liked for a long time. I don't know if he has any idea how I feel, or if it would scare him away if I just asked him "Hey, I like you a lot, how do you feel about that?" I only know him online, we've never met, but it feels like we've known each other forever. Do I risk the cherished friendship we have by taking this step, or do I keep the status quo and hope that someday he'll realize that I'm always here for him, waiting?
posted by anonymous to human relations (33 comments total)

Are you male or female, anonymous?
posted by mischief at 12:19 PM on October 16, 2004

If you keep waiting for him to realise it, you might get annoyed and frustrated at his inability to pick up on clues that you feel are obvious, but to him are very hard to spot.

I would suggest you talk to him about how much he and his friendship mean to you, and that you have started to like him a lot, and would like to persue it further.
posted by riffola at 12:23 PM on October 16, 2004

Well, it all depends on a few things. First, how close are you to one another, location-wise? If it's close enough to get together for dinner or coffee or whatever (or even for a "hey, I could make the 2-hour drive for some nervous conversation" kinda thing), then... um... do that. See how it goes.

If there's too much distance between you, then reconsider the idea of a relationship. Long-distance romances, especially internet long-distance romances, tend to end badly. Well, ok, not badly, but they fizzle out. Sometimes it takes a while, but they do; eventually, just touching yourself in front of a keyboard stops being a fulfilling sex life.

But anyway, if you can meet him, meet him and go from there. If not, it's probably not a good idea.
posted by billybunny at 12:24 PM on October 16, 2004

Ok, so I said a few things, and only pointed out one thing. But I did so in a very wordy way.
posted by billybunny at 12:25 PM on October 16, 2004

I don't know if he has any idea how I feel, or if it would scare him away if I just asked him "Hey, I like you a lot, how do you feel about that?"

Actually, most men would appreciate that kind of forthrightness. Saves us a lot of anxiety.
posted by jonmc at 12:36 PM on October 16, 2004

I think this is pretty simple.

Has everyone seen photos of everyone else? Are you fairly nearby (<3 hours, 2 hours even better)?br>
Say that "you're going to be in his area." (assuming m/f basis here) If he says, yeah, I'll show up and meet you, maybe talk about your feelings. Give plenty of notice (weeks). If he remotely is interested, he'll want to be there.

If you live further away, never seen photos, he hides about the possiblity of a gf (etc.). Move on. You may have developed feelings out of familiarity, rather than common interests and chemistry.
posted by filmgeek at 12:38 PM on October 16, 2004

I agree w/ Billybunny; meet in person first, and see if your online friendship can turn into a real-world friendship. If you guys get along well in person, then bring up the question of "something more" in your relationship.

Be prepared for rejection. If you get shot down, be willing to accept it with grace & dignity. Most of the "friend who wanted more" things I've seen go bad do so because the rejected party is unwilling to take no for an answer, effectively forcing the friendship to end.

I say this, however, as a man. If one of my (in my case female) friends revealed this to me, I'm pretty goddamn sure I would take it well. I dunno if I'd want to go further, or just stay friends, but I would definitely not freak or otherwise terminate the friendship just because of the revelation. I've had a same-sex friend express interest in me, and we're still friends (but not partners).

I actually (naively?) think it would make me appreciate her even more, just b/c of their honesty & frankness.
posted by aramaic at 12:43 PM on October 16, 2004

Take the plunge and try to attract his interest in moving things along; having to submerge or set aside your feelings won't be good for the friendship in the end. Ask him out, taking the usual anti-creep precautions about meeting people you only know online, and the worst that can happen is you don't click.

I say this, however, as a man. If one of my female friends revealed this to me, I'm pretty goddamn sure I would take it well. I'm positive it would make me appreciate her even more, just because of her honesty and frankness.
posted by majick at 12:46 PM on October 16, 2004

mother?

(sorry)
posted by mattr at 12:49 PM on October 16, 2004

I say go ahead and tell him, not that I ever could, I'm way too shy.

The question of distance still being unresolved, try setting up a coffee/drinks meeting.
posted by kamylyon at 12:59 PM on October 16, 2004

Risk it.

I was in the same situation a couple of years ago, and still regret not telling her how I felt.
posted by Zonker at 1:03 PM on October 16, 2004

I should probably clarify that by "take the plunge" I'm assuming you'll meet this dude in person first and get a feel for how much of a click there is. Please don't try to pull off a confessional in email or something.
posted by majick at 1:05 PM on October 16, 2004

Long-distance romances, especially internet long-distance romances, tend to end badly. Well, ok, not badly, but they fizzle out.

Only if they stay long-distance past the sell-by date. Otherwise they can work very well.

I wouldn't go too far into telling him how you feel until you meet him, I'd probably flirt a bit to test the waters, if that's met favourably, then suggest a phone call, if that works, then a meeting.

Some caveats from experience: no matter what it feels like now, until you have met in person you just don't know, you can have fabulous chemistry with someone online and even over the phone, only to find that in-person just doesn't work. Make sure you've seen a couple of pictures of each other. Be safe, meet publically. Be prepared for it not to work. And do not commit yourself to this so much until you know the score, thinking of this in terms like "I'm always here for him, waiting" is unfair to him, and to yourself at this stage. Look after yourself in this: don't build it up into something it might not be - fantasizing is great, but don't turn him into your one and only soul mate in your mind until you've actually met him, it can be crushing to put unreasonable expectations on something like this, and that is a much bigger risk to maintaining an ongoing friendship if things don't work out romantically than anything else.
posted by biscotti at 1:11 PM on October 16, 2004

"Hey, I like you a lot, how do you feel about that?"

Yeah, you know, this isn't the best way to make your feelings known - whether you're male, female, whatever. It's called putting the other person on the spot, and it's pretty much never a good idea unless you're 99% sure the other person feels exactly the same way, which you're not.

But that doesn't mean you couldn't make your feelings known a bit more subtly. If you're really concerned with not destroying the friendship (people always say that, but it's not true half the time - search your soul) then you need to provide him an option *not* to return your feelings. You really need to be okay with keeping things as they are. Are you? If you dump a great big crush on him all at once, you're leaping past a point of no return, and not really taking the caution you should if you're really concerned with preserving the friendship.

Try something a little less confrontational, like: "I've been thinking about you a lot recently."
posted by scarabic at 1:44 PM on October 16, 2004

In twenty years time, you will regret the decisions you didn't make far more than the ones you did make that didn't work out as you'd hoped. Tell the other person how you feel. Not knowing if they like you is more gut-wrenching than knowing they don't.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 2:27 PM on October 16, 2004 [1 favorite has favorites]

Assuming this is an M/F thing, and assuming he's available, I would say that he has probably already entertained the idea of some kind of liaison with you. Also, I doubt whether he would be particularly upset if you made some sort of approach. I doubt it would destroy your friendship.

At worst you'll be rebuffed, but he'll be complimented that you were interested. Take the risk. The most that can be damaged is your ego... but even then, this will be offset by the fact that he will most likely be flattered that you're interested.
posted by skylar at 2:29 PM on October 16, 2004

(ditto on the m/f assumptions) being asked out by women and/or receiving flowers/chocolates from them have been high points in my life. go for it and good luck.
(i suspect these are the same strange women that were dismissed in another post here for not appreciating designer clothes. we need more of them in this world).
posted by andrew cooke at 3:44 PM on October 16, 2004

Oh, I heard from the anon poster: she's female, he's a guy.
posted by mathowie at 5:44 PM on October 16, 2004

I think the whole thing is moot until you meet. Knowing people online is waaaay different from meeting them in person. See if there is any chemistry before debating how to reveal your feelings - there may not be as many as you think.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:24 PM on October 16, 2004

"she's female, he's a guy."

Well, that queers everything, don' it.

Anonymous: Over on Plastic, a young woman took a shine to me and we set up a meeting. The resulting relationship only lasted a year due to differences in perspective concerning our respective kids, but for my part, she was one of the most wonderful women I had ever met.

You only live once; don't spend the rest of your life regretting something you didn't do.
posted by mischief at 6:34 PM on October 16, 2004

And just what's wrong with those of us that prefer not to wear 'designer' labels? I like creating my own clothing, thankyouverymuch, why does this make me 'strange'?

OTOH, I hope she gets the courage to at least say the "I like you" part.
posted by kamylyon at 7:39 PM on October 16, 2004

Just one more voice saying meeting first is good. I have a wonderful, wonderful friend from Germany who I love with all my heart (platonically). Online we chat and chat, but when we met in person, we found that we were actually both rather shy people and the conversation wasn't as good. It was still amazing to meet her and I want to see here again as soon as I can, but... It's a friendship, not a relationship, and I think a relationship wouldn't have worked.

Good luck, though. I think you should definiely do something - better than regrets later.
posted by livii at 7:43 PM on October 16, 2004 [1 favorite has favorites]

Tell him (maybe a bit more subtle than you mention above), otherwise you're probably destined to remain online friends and nothing more.

(If there's too much distance between you, then reconsider the idea of a relationship. Long-distance romances, especially internet long-distance romances, tend to end badly. Well, ok, not badly, but they fizzle out. My internet love and I have been together five years and married for four.)
posted by deborah at 8:45 PM on October 16, 2004

I would say that he has probably already entertained the idea of some kind of liaison with you.

...and may dread the prospect (assuming this intrinsically sexist assumption is even applicable). There are, without a doubt, females I know who I do *not* want crushing on me, much though their friendship may be quite dear to my heart. At worst, I think this advice is equivalent to saying that a man can't be friends with a woman. I just don't agree.

At worst you'll be rebuffed, but he'll be complimented that you were interested.

A rosy appraisal. A lot of people here are ignoring the whole "not ruining the friendship" angle. This isn't a flat-and-simple "carpe-diem" thing. The worst that could happen is that the friendship would deflate like a punctured balloon, and you'd harbor shame forever and feel rejected. Not to be pessimistic, but I think "just do it" is reckless. Do it if it really feels right, and do it tactfully.

In twenty years time, you will regret the decisions you didn't make far more than the ones you did make that didn't work out as you'd hoped.

I can't agree with this, either. I still cringe over embarassing memories. But I've honestly never lost sleep over not asking that girl out, or not wearing that costume to the party, or not blowing up that mailbox when I had the chance. Many times the voice in our heads that says "don't do it" is the voice of good judgement.

I'm not trying to squash other folk's opinions. I guess I'm just being pessimistic tonight. It all comes down to what you're willing to risk - anonymous. If you're crushing too hard to stay friends anyway, you might as well give it a go. Good luck with the situation - however it turns out.
posted by scarabic at 10:51 PM on October 16, 2004 [1 favorite has favorites]

There may be a reason that it hasn't come up even though you've known each other all this time, to wit: it just ain't happening. I could easily be wrong in this case, but generally if people interact long enough and there's something mutual there, it will come up. The fact that you're having to sweat this indicates that you have a feeling that it's not happening; on a gut level you believe he's not into it. In other words, you may know more than you think you know.

Like I said, could be wrong in this particular instance, but odds are if that zing he makes you feel were at all mutual, you'd both probably know it by now.
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:08 AM on October 17, 2004 [1 favorite has favorites]

and still regret not telling her how I felt.

Oh, man. Flashback. A girl that lived down the street from me in high school was a good friend. Over time, I realized I liked her more than just casually, but never did anything about it. Finally, I guess in our junior year, her family ended up moving. I remember hanging out with her the last day that she was going to be in town and, when she had to go, I finally blurted out that I had a bit of a crush on her and was truly sad to see her leave. She gave me a quick peck on the cheek as she turned to leave and whispered that I should have told her sooner -- things might have been different.

The world slowed to a crawl as I watched her walk away and out of my life. That was almost 20 years ago. My life has turned out great since then, but...

Moral: Risk it. Better to know than to always wonder.
posted by warhol at 12:24 AM on October 17, 2004 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you are a sane woman and not physically hideous, no man will be put out to hear that you are romantically interested in him. He may not reciprocate, but that's no big deal. It won't ruin your friendship, unless you are so fragile that you can't tolerate rejection and break it off yourself. He probably won't. On the contrary -- he'll now be evaluating you for possible romance at every future contact (assuming, improbably, that he wasn't before) and may later decide to give it a try.
posted by kindall at 12:24 AM on October 17, 2004

But I've honestly never lost sleep over not asking that girl out, or not wearing that costume to the party, or not blowing up that mailbox when I had the chance.

Well, scarabic has been lucky enough to live a life devoid of regret.

Give it another couple of decades and see if you still feel the same.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:36 AM on October 17, 2004

Well, scarabic has been lucky enough to live a life devoid of regret.

No, he just said he regrets the concrete things, not the fantasy stuff - "why did I have to go and x" vs. "if only I'd had done x". For my part, I regret bits of both, so I won't say either that you regret things you didn't do more than things you did. I think it just comes down to which things were done with good judgement, or happened to work out well.

As for having an online crush: MEET HIM! You really can never tell over the internet what things will be like in person. You are crushing your own fantasy of who this guy is (which is always a little bit true of crushes, but supremely exaggerated when you've never even met). Try not to build it up too much; just suggest a meet-up and feel it out from there.
posted by mdn at 8:34 AM on October 17, 2004

odds are if that zing he makes you feel were at all mutual, you'd both probably know it by now.

Have to disagree. Some of us have a capacity for being oblivious which is really quite staggering. I've often found out, months or years later, that so-and-so reciprocated my interest. Of course by that point it's too late.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 10:44 AM on October 17, 2004

do it!

i met my partner after a year or so chatting online. we're together now, it's great.

i'm not saying that it'll be a fairytale, only, there's the chance that it could develop and you'll never know if you don't test the water...
posted by triv at 7:54 AM on October 18, 2004

I think you really need to be honest with yourself. You say that you don't want to ruin the friendship, but that you're "always here... waiting." Ask yourself how painful it will be to be rejected and still maintain a friendship. Are you just going to end up pining away for this guy forever? Will being friends with him hamper you from going out and meeting other guys?

I heartily agree with the meeting in person plan. I've had a few online "relationships" that fizzled after an in-person meeting. Chemistry's a funny thing that way. However, don't lose hope. Like deborah and triv, I'm currently in an internet-turned-real-world relationship (with fellow mefite emptybowl). It started out as a long distance thing (3+ hours away from each other), and now we're happily living together.
posted by MsVader at 8:00 AM on October 18, 2004

i want to know what happened!
posted by andrew cooke at 10:17 AM on October 18, 2004