I know I've got a bad reputation, and it isn't just talk, talk, talk...

December 23, 2008 7:10 AM

How to repair a damaged reputation?

I have struggled with the unwinnable combination of depression, social anxiety and severe social awkwardness for many years. I was often irritable, judgemental and negative, while at the same time being an extreme approval-seeker. As you can imagine, my behavior and personality were hard for many people to handle, though there were some people who could understand my struggles and showed me real kindness. I am not exaggerating when I say I was difficult to be around.

Fast forward many years. I moved away from the city I grew up in some years ago and at the time, I had started to come to a place of self-acceptance following therapy and medication. Now, since moving, with further therapy and lots of work with cognitive behavioral therapy and meditation among other things, I believe I have really changed. I now understand for the most part, what behaviors are acceptable (in public or otherwise) and which aren't. I know how to handle myself in most social situations with some ease and most importantly, I know that when I'm feeling neurotic, it is of utmost importance to keep it to myself at that moment (to be dealt with later, alone or in therapy), and just carry on doing what is in front of me to do rather than explosively creating a huge dramatic scene for everyone around me. I have learned to be more positive, to look at life in a different way and not be so judgemental. All good things, and I think most people around me now (in my new city) think I'm relatively normal, and seem to like me. So, success!

However, I will be moving home soon and due to social groups that I still belong to, I will be again be around many of the people that I have known for years, and who knew me at my most difficult times. They will still think of me as a moody, irritable, neurotic, socially inappropriate person. I guess the best way to change their opinion is to just do the things I've learned over the last few years that have made me a better person, but it was a bit easier for me in my new city as I was kind of a blank slate and in many ways, I could recreate myself. It seems harder to change when I am fighting against preconceived notions.

While it might seem simple enough for me to tell myself to just continue to use all the coping mechanisms I've learned over the last few years and let people's opinions change naturally, I am troubled by the thought that walking into social situations with people who I know have preconceived notions will somehow cause me to regress into my old insecurities and behaviors - if this makes sense? Also, can people's opinions of someone really change anyway?

I know that ultimately, I should do what I believe is right and good and not care what other people think, and while I have improved immensely in this regard over the years, I still do care. I have always been an extreme approval seeker, to the point in my worst days of being like a puppy who gets kicked and keeps running back for more attention (which just irritated people more). All the progress I've made in so many ways and yet I cannot comprehend not caring what people think. Is this my real problem?

To give you an idea of timeframe, I am talking about people of all ages I have known since my teens and I am now in my thirties. So some of the people I am talking about I have known 20 years.

Any help would be appreciated as I just feel confused over the whole thing. If you need more details or would like to discuss privately, please mention in the thread and I'll memail you. Thanks.

posted by anonymous to human relations (18 comments total)

If you've known them since your teens--"20 years"--then haven't they witnessed this transformation? If you haven't been in touch at all, I find it odd that you will suddenly be surrounded by what essentially were your high school friends....do they really all belong to the same church, work in the same industry? What kind of social scene do you have in common that is that fixed 20 years later? I know if I moved back to my home city, the chances of me interacting with--much less interacting in the same situations with--my old peers would be very slim indeed, and I don't come from a very large town.

I guess I'm wondering how rational this fear is to begin with-- if you're underestimating how much they may have changed as well.
posted by availablelight at 7:17 AM on December 23, 2008

They will still think of me as a moody, irritable, neurotic, socially inappropriate person.

You have no way of knowing how people will react.

All the progress I've made in so many ways and yet I cannot comprehend not caring what people think. Is this my real problem?

Humans are hard-wired to engage in social relations with other humans. So you'll always care to some extent. The trick is seeing it for what it is and not reacting.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:18 AM on December 23, 2008

if you truly have changed, people will know. they will notice. if people are expecting certain behaviours from you and you show up acting completely different, they will be pleasantly surprised. and if you can show you are not so self-involved by being attentive and interested in others, they will appreciate your attention.

also, if you can be light-hearted about it and make joking references to how you used to be, it's a good way of acknowledging that the way you used act was unbearable and that you have in fact changed. you may not feel comfortable doing that but if you do, it would show your self-awareness and people might feel more at ease with you.

good for you and good luck!
posted by beccyjoe at 7:20 AM on December 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

I have struggled with the unwinnable combination of depression, social anxiety and severe social awkwardness for many years. I was often irritable, judgemental and negative, while at the same time being an extreme approval-seeker. As you can imagine, my behavior and personality were hard for many people to handle, though there were some people who could understand my struggles and showed me real kindness. I am not exaggerating when I say I was difficult to be around.

Are you me? Maybe I posted this while I was asleep...

It's hard to change a first - not to mention second, third, fourth... - impression. But I've found that acknowledgment and humor are better than nothing. "Don't worry about me picking a fight tonight," you might assure your host. "I read that it's bad for the environment."

Also: a judicious amount of red wine at dinner parties works wonders.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:21 AM on December 23, 2008

Think of it this way: everyone has changed in the last twenty years. To be honest, if I were to meet up with someone that I hadn't seen in a decade or more, I probably wouldn't even remember that they'd been super annoying. Time and distance have a way of leveling our memories out. Just go and be who you are now and I think you'll find that you'll be welcomed back into the fold.
posted by sugarfish at 7:24 AM on December 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally. If I see you on the street and say, "Hey, you are stupid," without knowing you, it's not about you; it's about me. If you take it personally, then perhaps you believe you are stupid. Maybe you think to yourself, "How does he know? Can everyone see how stupid I am?"

You take it personally because you agree with whatever was said. As soon as you agree, you are trapped in personal importance. Taking things personally can be an expression of selfishness, because everything is about "me, me, me."

Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own world, in their own mind, in their own dream. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, therefore we try to impose our world upon theirs.

Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one's truth but yours. So, if you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. I am the excuse for you to get mad, and you get mad because you are dealing with fear. If you aren't afraid, then you will not get mad at me. If you can live without that fear by not taking things personally, it then follows that you will feel good, content, and serene.

If you can practice the concept, over time you will learn to communicate calmly when you are emotional.
posted by netbros at 7:27 AM on December 23, 2008 [6 favorites]

This isn't necessarily useful to you, but I went through a much-smaller-scale version myself a couple of years ago - re-meeting people who knew me as a touchy, very awkward person, now that I'm much more laid-back and at least somewhat more socially adept. One thing that definitely helped telegraph "I'm different!" was that my appearance had changed significantly: My clothes fit much better; my hair (which had been very short all through high school) was relatively long; I'd switched to an entirely different style of glasses. Think about how a movie would indicate "This character is transformed!" - not just by behavior, or soundtrack, but costuming as well. If your budget allows you something - almost anything - that'll make you look obviously different, it can be a big boon to getting people's brains immediately cued into "hey, anon's not at all like i remember them!"
posted by Tomorrowful at 7:44 AM on December 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

A friend of mine underwent a similar experience in which she was worried what old acquaintances thought of her and wanted to show them how she had changed for the better. After all her fretting, the reaction she got very anticlimactic...a simple "oh hey, what's up?"

But guess what? We as humans share the folly of overestimating our own importance in the minds of others. These people probably don't think ill of you, in fact, they probably don't think of you at all. You're projecting your own insecurities onto them.

Just be yourself- your new, confident, and positive self. The only one with preconceived notions is probably you.
posted by emd3737 at 7:48 AM on December 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

As sugarfish says above, it has been 20 years.

Thinking back on my impressions of people I knew on-and-off through highschool/college....HEY! I would suspend all current "impressions" UNTIL they re-impressed me, in a negative manner.
Unfortunately the re-impression, if it reinforced my long-time feelings, would be instant. IOW, as soon as the person began whatever behavior I've marked in my memory as rotten, they'd again be labeled rotten.

Getting past the history and onto the road of a new reputation is going to take diligent work.
You must lightly brush off any criticism (a critic of the new-you will jump out, now and again, prepare yourself to be utterly pleasant to them.) After 2-10 interactions your old detractors will either turn toward supporting you or tire of looking for reason to bring such a Good Spirited Person down. It'll take work but it's doable. best luck.
posted by Twist at 8:04 AM on December 23, 2008

Breaking your question down into parts

1. Can people's opinions of someone really change anyway?
2. All the progress I've made in so many ways and yet I cannot comprehend not caring what people think. Is this my real problem?
3. (paraphrased) What can I do to keep from sliding back into this old personality.

So,
1. Yes, very much so. As others pointed out most people will hardly remember you at all, and even if they do they're more charitable than you think. It is for this reason that you should NOT bring up what you used to be like (joking or otherwise) or try too hard to win anyone over and convince them you've changed. Be yourself (your new improved self) and whatever happens happens.
2. Which answers #2. It is probably an issue, so keep doing what you're doing and keep a healthy border between your social interactions and inner neuroses and needs.
3. Keep an eye on it but mainly try to make new connections in town so you don't rely on the old crowd for anything. If for some reasons they can't accept you, deal with them politely and find new friends. You did it once, you know you can do it again.

Sounds like you've got it all in hand though.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:28 AM on December 23, 2008

Mention some of the changes and how they have affected you. "Remember how uptight I used to be? I started meditating two years ago and it has really made me much calmer."

If there is anything specific in your past for which you should apologize, do so. That will go a long way towards changing someone's impression.
posted by desjardins at 8:32 AM on December 23, 2008

I am troubled by the thought that walking into social situations with people who I know have preconceived notions will somehow cause me to regress into my old insecurities and behaviors - if this makes sense?

All the opinion stuff will sort itself out naturally, but this part is something you should keep an eye on.

It is very easy to slide back into old habits when coming back to the environment they were formed in. For families, it generally takes about three days together before they're right back into the family system they grew up in.

It won't be as dramatic for an extended friend network, but you're definitely used to interacting with these people in a certain way and you're right to be afraid that you will slide back into it.

In your shoes I would be concentrating on the fact that, despite your background together, these people have likely changed every bit as much as you have. Forge new relationships with them based on who you and they are now. Don't let the old system reform, and keep a wary eye on your own behavior for the next few months.
posted by tkolar at 10:31 AM on December 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

You are, understandably, focused on yourself. But they've changed, too. M was a budding alcoholic then, and a real alcoholic now. J has accepted Christ as his personal savior. Q doesn't want anyone to know he likes to wear his wife's lingerie. L & S got married, and L thinks they are doing fine, but S has a boyfriend. Some people will never get that you've changed. But most of them are very busy just dealing with their own lives.
posted by theora55 at 1:34 PM on December 23, 2008

Confession clears your soul and is the first step towards rebuilding your reputation. As others have said, many people won't care to remember much of this stuff, but to the extent they do and call you on it, admit your prior failings. Apologize for the things you might have done that hurt them, if any. Once you clear this deck you no longer need to fear being exposed, talked about etc. It's there, it's in the open. They may still be wary about the new you, but just keep up the good work you have been doing and they will come to see that you are no longer the same person.
posted by caddis at 2:17 PM on December 23, 2008

you can't repair what is already done.
just be natural and open with people.
i think just make an effort with the people u want to make an effort with,
such as if there is a particular person u want to re-attach with,
ask them for a coffee or whatever.
posted by edtut at 4:45 PM on December 23, 2008

I agree with what Tomorrowful said. Changing some superficial aspect of yourself could help. Changing your hair is probably the easiest and most noticeable option.

I have met up with people I hadn't seen in years, and often they would treat me like I was the same person from so many years ago. And that makes sense; that's what they know. People always filter their observations based on any previously acquired data; the past experience adds a lot to the fairly limited view of the immediate circumstances. When someone says "I like your hair," it can mean any number of different things. Judging the intent based on past interactions with that person is a reasonable thing to do. It's beneficial, usually, but in a case like yours where the past experience no longer applies, I think doing anything you can to prevent the automatic filtering and judging that goes on could help.

Try to prevent them from unconsciously making the connection to the old you. Brains make strong connections to faces. Changing your hair, glasses, etc. can change your face and prevent some of those unconscious connections. Consciously, they will obviously know it's you, but there is a lot going on under the surface that you might be able to affect.

Also, be wary of falling into old patterns with old friends. That seems to happen with me a lot, again unconsciously. It's as if my brain automatically goes into a particular mode based on whom I'm around. Keep an eye out for it to shut it down if you see it happening.
posted by whatnotever at 11:01 PM on December 23, 2008

I agree with Tomorrowful. Change your appearance. Change it to match the person you want to be seen as, and you just might find the change will help you to further evolve into the person you want to be. My advice would be to become a superb dresser. I'm not talking trendy so much as stylish in general.
posted by 2oh1 at 12:14 PM on December 24, 2008

Wow. This is a really timely question for me. Would appreciate discussing privately, if possible.
posted by ryanhealy at 6:06 PM on January 4