I'm crushing my heart.
December 18, 2008 1:20 PM   Subscribe

Help me stop living on crushes (way much info inside).

(doing this anonymously, so trying to answer all possible questions with exposition)

Mental health rundown): Currently in my early mid-20s. Grew up w/ well-meaning but emotionally strenuous single mom and old-world grandparents who didn’t believe that men are supposed to be emotional and raised me as such. Very recently diagnosed bipolar NOS originally misdiagnosed as depression which led to a year-long antidepressant-induced hypomanic state several years back. Currently treated w/ medication that allows me to function (no more intrusive thoughts and mood elevated to not-depressed) and therapy once a month (looking into regular CBT.)

Me ‘n’ the Ladies: I’ve always operated on crushes. In high school, if I didn’t have a crush on a girl, I was despondent. If I did, I couldn’t stop thinking about her.I was awkward and usually too shy to admit them. I had two “relationships” each lasting under a week. I didn’t accept myself as attractive (or, rather, didn’t accept that others found me attractive) until my late teens. Didn’t take control of my social anxiety until my early 20s. In the meanwhile I had a number of questionable hookups with girls with significant others and/or emotional issues (usually both.) I broke a few hearts, not wanting to get deeper into situations I knew full well were toxic. Now I’ve got a bit of a guilt complex.

LTR history: Got into my first LTR around that time as a result of asking my ex from years back to reconsider during a horrible case of winter-blues. There was Real Love, but it wasn’t very functional, and I had to call it quits (I also moved and couldn’t stand where I moved to, which was a big, big factor.) We are v. good friends now, I think the love was platonic all along. Two weeks after the first LTR ended, I was my in the beginning of my second (originally meant as a hook-up and wherein I lost my virginity and evolved into an LTR, where there was also Real Love, when I realized that she was incredibly gorgeous and very, very smart and that there was no reason not to go for it), which ended recently due to a large number of stressors outward (possibility of relocation and/or her not being able to see me, a needy SO, on a regular basis [once a week is not enough]) and inward (personality clashes.) Both of these ladies had diagnosed mental health issues which, when they surfaced, I was more than happy to help them work through as they helped me work through mine.

Anyway. I have a date this weekend, which I really want to turn into a serise of events leading to nothing more than two people enjoying conversation and, eventually and hopefully, intimacy. I plan to make it clear that I am not Boyfriend Material, when/if it becomes clear that I need to (that is: after the first kiss, perhaps, not after a week of leading her on.) I will be receiving more advise on this from Friends Who Know Better Than I Do (and hopefully y’all as well.) The time is wrong for both of us for a relationship: she lives too far away and has very little free time and I am, well, needy enough that I’m not cool with entering into that sort of a relationship.

The problem is that it hasn’t even been a month since my breakup that I have a crush and a date. It’s the rebound, sure, that’s okay, but after this ends it will happen again and again. I know myself. Maybe now I won’t be despondent when I’m not crushin’, but I won’t be happy unless I see the potential for a relationship. But I don’t want a relationship. Soon I won’t have time to maintain one: I just went back to school, full-time (plus a part-time job), and I need more time than the average student to do as well as I find appropriate.

As a side-note in case someone makes a point re: loneliness: I have a small group of long-known, very close, very supportive friends. We are all a second family to each other and hang out on a nearly daily basis, go to clubs, parties, etc. I’m good on that.

So here’s my question: How do I become okay being single? What do I do to become secure with myself enough to say I Don’t Need A Girlfriend (even though my heart screams at me that I do)?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
For one thing, these relationships that don't last because of something as trivial as "location" or "I have to go to school?" I don't see how that's "Real Love". Real Love bridges oceans, cross mountains and survives through decades of dust.

You're dating people. There's nothing wrong with that, and that sure sounds safer to me, but maybe it would help if you embraced it for what it is, and weren't working so hard to Grand It Up.

Keep dating people. If a RELATIONSHIP is going to happen, it will happen. You sure as hell can't make "Real Love" happen no matter what you do, so why bang your head on the wall over it?

Also, and don't take this wrong please... you say you have a great, close supportive group of friends, which to me seems a lot more important than OMG A RELATIONSHIP anyway. Might they be helpful here? They probably know you better than we clowns on MeFi do, after all. Supportive friends are for support!
posted by rokusan at 1:39 PM on December 18, 2008 [2 favorites]


. But I don’t want a relationship. Soon I won’t have time to maintain one: I just went back to school, full-time (plus a part-time job),

I don't remember the last time someone single looked at their calendar and said..."yes, April of 2009. That will be a convenient time for me to be in a relationship" and then penciled it in... love is funny like that, it doesn't care if you're busy.

Just keep yourself open, enjoy meeting people, and if you find someone you want to be your girlfriend (and vice versa) then deal with spending time together as it comes along.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:52 PM on December 18, 2008 [1 favorite]


Romantic attachment can be a serious addiction, just like sex, drugs, or anything else. If it's disrupting your life to this degree, you should look into this.
posted by hermitosis at 2:08 PM on December 18, 2008


Oh please! He's in his 20's. If he isn't having deep crushes and being obssessed, *then* there's something wrong. The whole concept of love addiction is deeply problematic and pathologizes normal human behavior.

I say relax, you're young, you've got plenty of time to find out what and who you want and when you fall in love, like the other poster said, "not wanting a relationship" and "long distance" and "I'm too busy" will fall away.
posted by Maias at 2:21 PM on December 18, 2008 [1 favorite]


I don't mean that I think the poster is an addict, I just mean that he's right to be concerned, and that it's not necessarily "normal behavior" to be in a deep swoon or miserable funk all the time.

Until you know who you are, you don't know what you're bringing to the table in a relationship. And it's hard to find out who you are if you're always focused on someone else. Is there something in your life you're avoiding by always letting yourself become inflamed with crushes?
posted by hermitosis at 2:30 PM on December 18, 2008


I plan to make it clear that I am not Boyfriend Material, when/if it becomes clear that I need to (that is: after the first kiss, perhaps, not after a week of leading her on.)

I have heard that guys saying at some point during the first date "Yeah so, I'm not going to be your boyfriend, so don't get your hopes up" has become something of the style of the times and is generally considered jerk store. I personally never tried that one. I was more of the lead-them-on-and-seem-all-nice-and-then-get-distant-and-fade-away school, and it seems like advance notice of unwillingness to be her boyfriend would be a good thing, but I am not sure that it is always viewed as such. You just can't please some people, you know. Trick 'em into sex by making them think you are willing to commit: you're a jerk. Given them advance warning that you only want to have sex with them and don't plan to commit: you're a jerk. What is it you want ladies? So, anyway, what I'm saying is that you may want to rethink the whole "making it clear that you are not boyfriend material" thing.

All that other stuff about crushes and whatnot sounds like you are a 20-something. I wouldn't worry too much about it.
posted by ND¢ at 2:33 PM on December 18, 2008 [2 favorites]


The very best cure for repeat crushes (and related) and is to get absorbed with your other interests and work to view other people as merely platonic compatriots in enjoying said interests while you work yourself out.
posted by batmonkey at 2:39 PM on December 18, 2008


You know what really sucks? To become twice your age and then run into some you had a crush on, and have them say they had a crush on you way back then, and neither of you knew the other did. Of course they're married now.

So if you are going to suffer the turmoil, at least speak up.
posted by StickyCarpet at 2:48 PM on December 18, 2008 [3 favorites]


Just keep yourself open, enjoy meeting people, and if you find someone you want to be your girlfriend (and vice versa) then deal with spending time together as it comes along.

I think this is good advice, but I also think it's ok to recognise where your priorities are and avoid setting up ridiculous conflicts. You might, though, meet someone equally independent/otherwise-occupied with whom things go really well and also allow for you both to pursue your ambitions. If you're genuine, upfront (without forcing it) and not plámásing someone in the name of being 'nice', go and date and see what happens. The giddy pleasures might be a good counterpoint to being so busy.

On the crushes front, I relate in a big, big, embarrassing way. Two things I find useful:

1) Ask them out, go all-in. This either leads to seeing what's real, or adding a layer of embarrassment or funny to the whole thing which takes the edge off the fixation and it dies away in time.
2) Remember that it's not real. They might be swell, but your crush is mostly projection, not the person themselves, and that way lies disappointment.

Your friends are better suited for all of this, but I would say not to straight out state that you're not Boyfriend Material. It's kind of presumptuous, overthinky and risks sounding self-obsessed - I think you come across pretty normal and also nifty from what you say here, and that one sentence jumps out as being repellant, possibly not in the way intended.
posted by carbide at 3:17 PM on December 18, 2008


This is kind of a "reverse psychology" way of doing this, but do you tend to be direct with your crushes?

Maybe it's not that the crushes are so all-consuming, so much as the fact that the hemming, hawing, and "wondering if she likes me" that burns up so much damn time.

Next time you like a girl, go ahead and be intense about it. "I like you, a lot." Be direct about what you want.

If this scares her away, well, all fine and dandy. She doesn't "get" that you have little time to waste. Move on.

If she responds well, then you can schedule intense, if infrequent dates with her.

You sound like you could do well with a girl wants a low maintenance relationship, and is very busy herself.
posted by uxo at 3:17 PM on December 18, 2008 [1 favorite]


Holy hell, I didn't notice on preview, tired brain didn't do a language check.

plámásing - er, kind of lip service, compliments or pleasantries or allowing them to think what you imagine they want to perceive in the name of pleasing them or buttering them up. It's such a perfect word that I don't really know how to define it with the right nuances.

posted by carbide at 3:20 PM on December 18, 2008


I won’t be happy unless I see the potential for a relationship

The thing is: there's always potential for a relationship. Relationships are sneaky things. You can't just decide to be in one or not be in one based on some kind of preconceived checklist of partner attributes; at some point, you will just find that what you have going right now is one.

But I don’t want a relationship

That thing you don't want is only what you have, up until now, been mistaking for a relationship. You know, one of those things that's fun while you're together and hammers you into the ground with drama and angst and obligation when you're not, and stops you doing all that other stuff you really care about. And you're right: you don't want that.

But you're young, and I'm middle-aged, and you need to trust me on this: when you find yourself in a real relationship with an Other who truly is Significant, you will find that your internal priorities just shift around to the extent that there is no conflict between doing what you want to and staying in the relationship.

So, really, your only actual problem here is the despondency between crushes. Don't sweat the relationship stuff. Just concentrate on fixing the despondency. Something that might help with that is frequently reminding yourself that you can trust the future to be surprising.
posted by flabdablet at 3:35 PM on December 18, 2008 [6 favorites]


You sound bright and perceptive and are looking to improve yourself. Yay! I suggest finding a therapist who works well with you and meeting weekly. A good therapist can help you understand what you're feeling and thinking and put it in a realistic context.
posted by exphysicist345 at 4:11 PM on December 18, 2008


Is it possible that by virtue of your bipolar-ness, you enjoy the "rush" of the crush more than an average person might?

Also, just as a point of reference, I find that crushing on someone is almost always unfair to them and you- you are setting them up to eventually disappoint you with their lack of perfection.
posted by gjc at 5:14 PM on December 18, 2008 [3 favorites]


I dunno. Your post was very hard to understand, but it left me with the sneaking suspicion that you view girls as Hookups or Ladies or or Real Love, and not actually as human beings. I'm not sure how that ties in with having crushes all the time, but it's hard to imagine someone being infatuated with people on a regular basis (especially when they seem to lead to making bad choices, like people in existing relationships) that is truly grounded in the messy reality of human beings.

Vague, I know, but all your labels and classifications are an indicator of not really getting to know and appreciate people for who they are. Maybe that has something to do with your dilemma.
posted by oneirodynia at 5:26 PM on December 18, 2008 [1 favorite]


Second the therapist.

Also bipolar - and before I was dX'd, I kind of used my relationships and partners as life-preservers to keep me from drowning in shitty bipolar hell.

If you are BP, you should know that the onset starts in your late teens and early twenties - the sooner you catch it and start treatment (meds), the better you'll feel and life will be way easier. It really only gets worse over time without treatment and you can wake up every day in a living hell where you destroy your relationships, jobs, etc. And I'm BP2!

But yeah, therapy your behavior patterns out - I'd actually try for a weekly thing because it sounds like this is a major issue for you and if you are dating, it's important to work this stuff out asap. You may also want to ask your pdoc about switching or adding meds - it's hard to find the right cocktail for BP but the right mix should make you feel like you and not like you are just able to function. Full disclosure - I'm on Lamictal (mood-stabilizer), Wellbutrin (anti-depressant) and Xanax (awww yeah! Taken as needed.) - kills my anxiety, depression and all the stuff related to wonky brain chemistry. Basically, I am back to being my happy normal self.

You will make more progress with professional help than if you read stuff on the internet or in books. Just being honest - so tell your pdoc and your therapist what's going on and see what they recommend.
posted by HolyWood at 1:11 PM on January 16, 2009


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