I'm the stranger my parents warned me about!

December 17, 2008 6:09 PM

How do I care for kids when I'm a stranger to them?

So here's the back story that prompted this question:

2 weeks ago on a very cold evening a little 10-year-old comes a ringing selling chocolates. As I run up to get some cash, I tell the better half to invite the tyke in from out of the cold.

I pay the little one, I get my chocolate and off she goes, back into the cold.

Me and the wife were then thinking - should we have invited the kid inside? I remember my parents telling me "if someone invites you into their house, don't go in!" and here I was doing that myself! Then again it was cold as hell outside, it was almost instinct that we invite anyone inside...

That got me thinking, what if I'm in my car and see an injured/cold/lost child - do I give them a ride?

What's the protocol?

posted by bitteroldman to Society & Culture (15 answers total)

If you're in your car and see an injured/cold/lost child, you call 911 and make sure they handle it. Wait for them to arrive. Maybe get out of your car and talk to the child to tell them help is coming (depending on circumstances). But you don't want to panic a kid, or their parents, and have a potential misunderstanding, nor do you want to confuse a kid about "stranger danger" - you know you're okay, but they don't, and we shouldn't expect kids to have the skills to establish who is safe and who isn't.
posted by joannemerriam at 6:31 PM on December 17, 2008

I wouldn't do it. I'd probably call 911 if there was an injured child and ask the dispatcher what I should do. If the child was simply outside, I'd assume that the parents knew where the kid was, unless he/she was homeless, in which case, I'd call the police and let them know there was a small child who doesn't look to be with anybody.

But I wouldn't ask a strange child into my home. If the kid hurts himself while in your home, you might be in some trouble.
posted by anniecat at 6:36 PM on December 17, 2008

Inviting people in from the cold is always a good thing. And parents who are sufficiently rational to let their kids go door to door will be okay with it.

Children left alone outdoors should be approached and asked if they are okay and if they need any help.

The current fad of All-Strangers-Are-Evil needs to stop somewhere. Now is a good time.
posted by tkolar at 6:46 PM on December 17, 2008 [10 favorites]

That got me thinking, what if I'm in my car and see an injured/cold/lost child - do I give them a ride?

Part of the responsibility of being an adult is looking after injured/cold/lost children, even if they aren't yours.

Call 911, inform them of the situation. Stay with the child until the authorities arrive. Offer the child any help you can, but don't push it. If there other adults around, loudly inform them of what is going on and ask them for help.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:50 PM on December 17, 2008

Inviting people in from the cold is always a good thing. And parents who are sufficiently rational to let their kids go door to door will be okay with it.

repeated for tru-dat.
posted by CitizenD at 7:03 PM on December 17, 2008 [1 favorite]

I went door to door as a kid and I don't know if I would have gone inside--actually, I take that back, I totally did once. I was trick-or-treating (in June) and went happily inside with a neighbor who gave me some cheerios and called my mom.

Anyway, I'd suggest leaving your door wide open if you do invite a kid inside, so the adult waiting in the car or anyone peeping out a window doesn't get the wrong idea, and to keep the kid comfortable.

I don't know what to do about a sick or injured kid though--I'm half scared of the kids I *know* so I wouldn't know what to do about one I didn't. I couldn't possibly leave them alone though.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:14 PM on December 17, 2008

The protocol on any injury is Check-Call-Care. Child, animal, or adult, you want to confirm that the injured individual is not in any danger of further injury, and if they are, remedy that unless it also means endangering yourself (for instance, kid out in the cold, no obvious head or back injury? Get them inside. Unconscious? Cover them, but don't move them). Once they are safe, call 911 or have someone else call 911. If it's a child, checking also means checking to see if there is an adult nearby who is responsible for this child, and get them the hell over to the kid. If that person knows what to do, or asks you to leave, your task is done. If there is no such person, or they give you permission to care for the injury, have them call 911, then stay with the injured person. If you know what to do on the care part (like, stop the bleeding) do that. If you don't know, don't guess, just wait for the EMTs to arrive.

Do not worry about how it looks, for god's sake.

Don't invite children not known to you into your house. They already know it's cold outside.
posted by nax at 7:31 PM on December 17, 2008

You may be a decent well-intentioned person, but your neighbor may not be. It's a pity, but you should not make exceptions to the "don't accept candy from strangers" rule. That rule exists for a reason.
I would ask the kid where her folks are, though.
posted by Sara Anne at 7:55 PM on December 17, 2008

I coach kids for a living. I have to submit regular police record checks. I don't even have traffic tickets but it kills me - I simply can't approach a woman under 60 or a child under 12ish without picking up on the fear. Or, at least, the apprehension.

This isn't a matter of what should be or what single 30ish males like myself will 'make' of it - it's simply the way it is. Outside of emergencies someone's inconvenience simply doesn't outweigh your exposure. Do what you can but don't touch or go with anyone capable of making it without you.

Don't think it's fair? Don't think it's realistic? Well think back to that doubt the next time some guy gets crucified in the press for a sex charge, the shopkeep's hand slides under the counter when you walk in the store after dark, the woman locked out of her car would rather freeze than speak to you. No it's not like being black (I'd imagine) or native (well actually I do know something about that) but the mere suspicion casts a deep shadow on every interaction the accused has with pretty much anyone. Just ask someone who's been successfully defend at trial.

Yes I'm aware that my opinion is, umm, possibly extreme but the stakes are high and people are (in groups) stupid. Leave nothing to chance, above reproach and do what you can within those constraints.
posted by mce at 7:57 PM on December 17, 2008

Also to note, in many cases it is far more productive to 411 then ask for Police Non-Emergency. I've used it several times for important issues that were not a true emergency and have always had a fast response.
posted by cior at 8:41 PM on December 17, 2008

in many cases it is far more productive to 411 then ask for Police Non-Emergency.

This advice, while useful, is probably location specific. In my city, the few times I've called the non-emergency number (for what I considered non-emergencies) they told me to call 911.
posted by GPF at 9:19 PM on December 17, 2008

I sincerely hope that our society has not gotten to the point that we would not help a lost or injured child because we're too afraid of being called a child molester.

That's not why one shouldn't bring unfamiliar children into their homes, or cars, or what have you... it's because when you do, you undermine the "be smart around strangers" message that is pretty vital for kids to have. Yeah, parents today are way over protective. But young children aren't that great at nuance. Hey, they've accepted a ride from you, mister nice stranger, and that was fun! Why shouldn't they go with the next person who asks? Their parents and teachers and police officers never told them how much fun and nice some strangers could be!

Lost/injured is a different situation, but still. Help can be given in better ways, as others have suggested above.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 12:28 AM on December 18, 2008

Obviously, if a kid is hurt in a noticeable way, help them. What you should do varies on the particular situation. Trapped? Hurt badly? Do what it takes to make them safe. If they're sobbing because of a skinned knee, or they say they're lost, give them your phone so they call their parents. Kids should know at least one phone number - I know my parents drummed ours into me. Stay with them until a parent gets there. If they're near their house and they can make it home safely, offer to walk them home or just send them on their way and keep an eye on them discreetly to make sure they get there. Oh, and if they've dropped their bike in the street, move it. So...pretty much what nax said.

Basically, I think you do the right and proportional thing. I suspect you'll know what that is. If their parents yell at you for it, you say, "Your kid needed help. I'm sorry you feel that way." Then you leave.
posted by averyoldworld at 6:13 AM on December 18, 2008

I am a mom of 3 small children and even I don't do things like invite a neighbor child inside without the kids' grownup's approval.

here's why. I'm a nice enough lady, but that will not always be the case. And I don't want to encourage a child to go against what their parents may have taught them.

Remember that teaching our children "stranger danger" is done on a cost/benefit analysis...I would rather they lose out on candy from 99 nice old men than to take it from one bad one. I am assuming most parents feel this way and don't want to undermine that.

Re: lost/injured/sick children...yes, absolutely help them, but don't take them somewhere private to do so (like the inside of your car with you). It just looks skeevy.
posted by agentwills at 9:24 AM on December 18, 2008

Remember that teaching our children "stranger danger" is done on a cost/benefit analysis

A cost benefit analysis in which the cost is routinely overestimated by a factor of a thousand.

If people were doing a realistic cost benefit analysis, they would be much more worried about leaving their children alone with people they know.
posted by tkolar at 1:00 PM on December 18, 2008