jerry springer style drama in the real world

December 16, 2008 6:49 PM

post confrontation: how do I deal with running into someone who makes me totally furious and might be out to get me?

backstory: this guy hit my car and caused lots of damage, then lied about it to his insurance company. I can't even begin to describe what a bottom feeding sack of shit this guy is. Today I saw him outside my gym and I was just...too angry to be afraid I guess. I went up to him and said/did some stuff that pissed him off enough that he went inside to get his buddies. That's when I realized I was gonna get my ass kicked and left.

me: petite young woman him: larger guy with absolutely no morals. now I'm worried that he's going to be violent towards me or (more likely) vandalize my car. We apparently go to the same gym, which I signed a one year contract with in october. What should I do to
1. not have any further bad and expensive stuff happen to me and
2. not be such a complete idiot again (i.e. be more strategic and less confrontational when dealing with these kind of conflicts)

posted by genmonster to human relations (18 comments total)

What do you know about this person beyond these two things:
"hit my car and caused lots of damage"
"lied about it"

I'm just wondering why you've decided he has "absolutely no morals." Is there more to the story than what you're telling us? If not, I don't think one wrong, selfish decision is enough of a basis to declare that someone is utterly without scruples. I'd be willing to guess that the majority of us have lied or acted selfishly, much to the detriment of someone else, at some point in our lives. One mistake - even a horrible, incredibly selfish, awful, teeth-gnashing, infuriating sort of mistake - does not necessarily make one undeniably evil - rather, it just makes one human.

What I'm trying to say is that you have the option of seeing this person as just another imperfect, fallible human (of questionable morals, perhaps, but still not completely devoid of them). If you can look past the pain & frustration to see him as a person - not just the source of said pain & frustration - it may help the internal turmoil.

Depending on your tolerance for frustration and risk, you might want to consider seeing if your gym will let you out of your contract. Some might consider that an overreaction, but I think it would be only if there's absolutely no other gym you can go to. Otherwise, simply removing yourself from the picture may be the safest & sanest course of action here.
posted by pecanpies at 7:17 PM on December 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

for starters, you mightd say you lost your temper and suggest a truce/agree to be calm and stay out of each others way. say its in the past.

you may not want to or mean it, but it might save you some trouble if he's no longer out to get you and you'll have an excuse to simply ignore him in any future run ins.
posted by nzydarkxj at 7:21 PM on December 16, 2008

I don't think one wrong, selfish decision is enough of a basis to declare that someone is utterly without scruples

Particularly since there's a major difference between a man lying to benefit from a financial transaction and physically assaulting a woman. Judging from your description, would he have really need to go inside to get his buddies if he was going to cause you physical harm?

If you're that concerned about vandalism, you could park a block away and walk until this simmers down.
posted by Adam_S at 7:40 PM on December 16, 2008

You might want to let the gym management know. If he's a larger guy who actually went in to get his buddies to help him beat up a small young woman, they'd probably want to know about that. Ask if they have security cameras for the parking lot. You may also ask that one of their staff escort you to your car when you leave.
If he's smart he won't mess with you in the gym itself because I'm pretty sure someone else would stand up for a small woman being bothered by a larger guy.

You could also tell the gym management about this situation and see if they will let you break your contract. Is this a gym with only one location and not a chain with many locations you could go to?
posted by fructose at 7:43 PM on December 16, 2008

It seems doubtful that the larger guy who works out went inside the gym to get his buddies to help him beat the shit out of a petite young woman, no matter what she said\did to piss him off. He probably went inside to get away and defuse the situation. Get an attorney to help you deal with the insurance situation and don't deal with this person otherwise.
posted by sanko at 7:53 PM on December 16, 2008 [3 favorites]

he went inside to get his buddies

Yeah, if a guy has an argument with a petite young woman and he needs buddies to have a fight, he's not that tough is he?
posted by mathowie at 8:50 PM on December 16, 2008 [2 favorites]

Trust your instincts. If you feel endangered, take steps to protect yourself and your property. Nthing others' suggestions to alert your gym management about the ongoing conflict. You may be able to find out when he regularly works out, so you can change your schedule to attend your gym at other times to avoid interaction. Also, request that gym management guard your personal information (address, telephone number, etc.) and not release it to anyone, under any pretense.

If you encounter him again, don't engage. Walk away. Leave the building. If you feel threatened, have someone escort you to your car. And if you are worried about property damage, park your car somewhere safe, perhaps in view of cameras, a security guard, or far from the gym.

Worst case scenario: you cancel or suspend your gym membership. Or, if the gym is part of a chain, transfer to another location.
posted by terranova at 11:14 PM on December 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, if a guy has an argument with a petite young woman and he needs buddies to have a fight, he's not that tough is he?

Maybe he isn't that tough, but a crowd of not-tough bullies can still mess somebody up. Or maybe he is tough and a group just helps get him in the mood to go through with it.

Or maybe he figured that the poster wouldn't be so free with her accusations surrounded by a bunch of his friends and that'd be enough to end the immediate situation. Or maybe he just made an excuse that'd end the conversation and went inside to get away. But I can sure see why someone wouldn't want to count on the tamer possibilities. Yeah, I can also see where people are coming from when they say it doesn't make sense, but people often don't make sense when they're angry and will do all kinds of crazy things.

If you've got an insurance company, they'll likely be inclined to take your side against the other guy, since that means they can collect what they might end up having to pay you out of his insurance company. Hopefully there's good police reports. If there are, and they have half decent accident forensics, and he really is at fault, and your insurance company is willing to pick a fight, lying his way out of the situation is going to be harder for the guy.

If you don't have an insurance company and you want money out of him, you need a lawyer. Depending on the quality of your insurance company, you might want one anyway.

Talking to the gym seems like a good idea. Unless they're crazy or some of the guy's buddies are helping run the place, they're not going to take kindly to the idea of in-gym ass-kickings or any other kind of fight. Any news of that gets out and you can kiss entire market segments of potential customers goodbye.
posted by namespan at 11:23 PM on December 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

I... said/did some stuff... What stuff did you do? And what sorts of things did you say? Anything threatening about his car or property or person?

Maybe he thought you were attacking/going to attack him, and wanted witnesses? It's possible that he's a dangerous guy, but the incomplete info here doesn't necessarily point to that... It seems that you were the aggressor in this confrontation, so is it possible he may just be worried about you stalking him?
posted by taz at 11:29 PM on December 16, 2008 [3 favorites]

He actually ran back inside for backup? That's -5 respect points in my book. Details seem incomplete, perhaps he just wanted to intimidate you to diffuse the situation. It may be his fault on the day of the accident, but on the day you pre-empted him: you drew first blood.

So, you could cancel your contract. That's the easy route. If the gym is a franchise, you could migrate to a different gym. Or you could opt for a lawyer and peruse whatever legal clout they may avail to you if you still feel that the car accident thing was concluded unfairly and unsuccessfully. At this point, the he-said/she-said wouldn't cut it, and you would now rely more on independent third-party eye-witness reports, whether from the police or other drivers and bystanders in the vicinity at the time of the accident.

Not sure of the details for the car accident, and I'm interested to hear what he said back to you after your tirade, because I doubt he simply dashed inside to rally up his backup hos for no good reason, but I think it's all irrelevant now. So now I believe you are left with option #3: Brace yourself.

Given that you're petite and short, I assume you have a speed advantage to offset his strength gains accrued at the gym, and thus the lightning reflexes to deflect or manuever any heavy muscled attacks. However I do see that you may be outnumbered if he does bring his backup, so that may be a problem. Bring a mace or taser. If you're worried about your car, ensure you park a good distance away. Perhaps you can also park in an area with security cameras, if there are any. You also have the option to run like hell.
posted by Myles at 12:15 AM on December 17, 2008

I'm just wondering why you've decided he has "absolutely no morals." Is there more to the story than what you're telling us? If not, I don't think one wrong, selfish decision is enough of a basis to declare that someone is utterly without scruples.

Ummm...the guy went in to get his buddies to back him up against a (small) woman? Also, one "wrong, selfish decision?" He hit her car and then lied about it to his insurance (probably causing the OP a ton of headache trying to get her car fixed). What more evidence do you need? Kitten kicking?
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:16 AM on December 17, 2008

Sell the car, cancel the gym membership and notify them it's due to threatening behaviour from another member, then buy a bike.
posted by davemee at 12:38 AM on December 17, 2008 [1 favorite]

1. not have any further bad and expensive stuff happen to me

If you're talking in general, than become a nun that never leaves the compound.

If you're talking about this specific situation, since "he's a larger guy with no morals," your only option is to quit the gym and pay the kill fee.

2. not be such a complete idiot again

Next time, stick around and get your ass beat. Having to deal with the consequences of your actions will help you avoid making them in the future.

But it sounds like you're leaving out a lot of information in order to paint yourself in a positive light.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:13 AM on December 17, 2008

this guy hit my car and caused lots of damage, then lied about it to his insurance company.

What happened, exactly?

I can't even begin to describe what a bottom feeding sack of shit this guy is.

Begin.

I went up to him and said/did some stuff that pissed him off.

Like what?
It seems like there's a lot you've left out here- we really need more backstory.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:19 AM on December 17, 2008 [4 favorites]

I'm inclined to think YOU sound more out of control than this guy.

He hit your car and lied to the insurance company. OK, that doesn't put him in a good light, but lying to big, impersonal bureaucracy sometimes doesn't seem like lying, right? I don't think he was doing it to hurt you but to protect himself.

You, on the other hand, go up to him, get in his face, presumably make threats of the "I'm gonna sic my lawyer on you" type and are now afraid of him because he walked away (regardless of what he said, I highly doubt he was going to get his friends to help him beat you up).

This is what his Ask MeFi post would look like:

So I hit this chick's car and lied to the insurance company because I can't afford for my rates to go up. The whole story's going to come out anyway so that was a stupid thing to do. The other day, I ran into the chick at my gym and she went apeshit and was screaming at me and getting up in my face. I'm afraid she's going to damage my car in retaliation, or actually attack me in person.

He hit your CAR. He did not hurt someone you love, he did not intentionally do anything to you at this point. If you see him again, ignore him. If he confronts you, apologize for your behavior and say you're letting the lawyers and insurance company handle the situation from now on. That's it. If he threatens you, definitely get the lawyers and the gym involved, but be sure to tell the whole story, including your part in it.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:16 AM on December 17, 2008 [5 favorites]

What peanut_mcgillicuty said.

Having him lie about the accident sucks, but that's for the insurance company and and their lawyers to sort out amongst themselves. It does sound like a lot of strife to get into for an old Toyota. A car is simply an object and not worth getting hurt over.

Avoid him if at all possible if it continues to be an issue, the suggestion to transfer the membership if it's a fitness chain is also a good one.
posted by arcticseal at 7:18 AM on December 17, 2008

Is a restraining order an option?
posted by valadil at 8:54 AM on December 17, 2008

To TheLightFantastic: I don't believe in giving too much weight to something when I only know one side of the story. I'm not convinced the reason he went back inside to "get his buddies" unless he actually said that to the OP. And if that's what he said, why didn't she tell us? Her description of her own actions was vague, which leads me to believe that at least part of the responsibility here lies with her. So yes - I would need more evidence.
posted by pecanpies at 4:09 PM on December 18, 2008