Deaf safe words?

December 16, 2008 12:32 PM

How would a deaf person use a safe word? [Answers may be NSFW.]

This came up in a conversation elsewhere on the internet. I was wondering how a deaf person would use a safe word, especially if their hands were immobile. Obviously, it would make a difference if the deaf person was the dominant or submissive, but I'm curious for all sides of the equation, so to speak.

posted by sperose to writing & language (12 comments total)

The same way a gagged person would: typically they hold something they can drop to indicate "stop".
posted by orthogonality at 12:37 PM on December 16, 2008

How do hearing people do it when they use gags? I'd imagine there'd be another "safe motion" that they could decide upon together, like "two taps of the left foot"?

I know nothing of BDSM so this is just a guess, but deaf people seem to do OK with adapting audio-only signals into motions or lights (an alarm clock that shakes the bed, a fire alarm that flashes) so I imagine this can't be much different.
posted by holyrood at 12:42 PM on December 16, 2008

When I'm playing, frequently (ok all of the time) I am gagged and my hands bound in some way, or i could be mummified, or fettered in some way.

So the Safe word is an action... 3 of anything being repeated.

3 finger snaps, stop, repeat

Stamp my feet 3 times, stop, repeat

Shake head 3 times, stop repeat

3 grunts, stop, repeat

You get the idea.

Full disclosure - I'm not deaf.

This has the added benefit of my playmate has to pay attention :-)


Play safe!!
posted by sandra_s at 12:43 PM on December 16, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I've known people who have given their partners an object to hold (like a tennis ball). If the object is dropped, that's the sign to stop. Basicaly anything that can function as a deadman's switch.

This does require the sub to maintain a little more presence of mind than is necessary with a simple safe word, but my understanding was that it worked quite well.
posted by DWRoelands at 1:00 PM on December 16, 2008

In addition to what others have said ... many Deaf people can (and do) talk. Some prefer not to, but for many, it's a choice. That depends to some extent on having a hearing partner, though.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 1:20 PM on December 16, 2008

When I took jujitsu, the sign for "OMG I can't breathe" was two quick taps of your fingers against the person's arm.
posted by rmless at 1:37 PM on December 16, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Even if the hands are otherwise immobilized, the person can hold a doorbell. This is a pretty unmistakeable sound, unlike a grunt, which could be involuntary. And, although I do not recommend leaving a tied-up person alone for any length of time, if you have to go to the bathroom, you just take the "bell" part with you.

Personally I'd be more worried about communicating with the deaf person. Sometimes a safe word means "ouch, that's too tight around my ankle" and sometimes it means "oh my god I'm about to have a panic attack, get me out!" It's crucial to know which one, so the dominant can leap into action. I've never played with a deaf person, but one thought I had is to write common scenarios on index cards (e.g., "Need me to untie you?") and the person can answer.

If the deaf person is the dominant, there's really not much speech required unless you're giving orders (however, "sign language," such as grabbing a fistful of hair and dragging the person to his knees, works just fine). It'd be crucial to know when the other person is giving his/her safeword, so in that case I'd use something that activates a light instead of a bell.
posted by desjardins at 1:38 PM on December 16, 2008

So the Safe word is an action... 3 of anything being repeated.

This is similar to morse code for SOS.
posted by desjardins at 1:41 PM on December 16, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

For the hearing submissive who needs to attract the attention of a deaf dominant: squeeze light.
posted by desjardins at 1:45 PM on December 16, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

The 'three of anything repeated' works pretty well.
posted by howgenerica at 2:01 PM on December 16, 2008

Hot damn. Thanks everyone!
posted by sperose at 6:00 PM on December 17, 2008

I'd adapt the submission signal from judo—two loud slaps. You listen for that so that you know when to release an arm bar or a choke, because yelling doesn't count.
posted by klangklangston at 5:46 PM on December 18, 2008