Is it possible that hanging out too much with the same circle of friends can be... inhibiting?

December 15, 2008 11:10 AM

Is it possible that hanging out too much with the same circle of friends can be... inhibiting?

So, can it? Ever hit a wall with your usual friends?

I'm a guy, mid 20's, and I work monday through friday and run the typical treadmill of a 9-5 job, so I usually don't get to hang out and socialize until the weekend hits. I've more or less hung out with the same circle of guys almost every saturday. The typical itinerary is usually eating out somewhere, and then retiring to someone's loft or apartment, playing video games or watching TV. Imagine the same circlejerking routine being done for the past year or two.

I've known them since high school, and I like them. We've shared good times and had good laughs, though I wouldn't call them best friends. Somehow, I can't set aside the nagging feeling that being with the same people every weekend is.... inhibiting.

Pangs of bordeom have hit me before when hanging out with these guys. It's been the same humor, same talk, same everything. I tried suggesting other things we could do, like going to the bar and having a drink. I thought it would be a start, maybe new ideas can branch out afterwards. However, they all gave excuses about the type of crowd that would be there etc, so we never go. Honestly, I think I've heard similar excuses whenever I tried suggesting a place that would definitely have a "crowd" there. They're definitely not anti-social, since they all work customer service jobs. I think they're just clannish, especially when their circle of friends includes the same people -- Us. I also can't help that they hold subtly negative attitudes about other people outside of the circle, which probably explains why they've only limited themselves to the same circle for such a long time.

I love meeting and talking to people. I've been mostly quiet and shy during my high school days, breaking out of my shell after working so many customer service jobs like waiting tables, doing call centers, counseling, and company classroom training. So naturally I've garnered an appreciation of simply being in the company of other people. However it just gets old being with the same "hang-out" friends. I get peevish retiring to the couch and playing video games, watching TV, only to have new ideas get trashed due to some excuse as to why it may potentially and epically suck in the long run.

I've started to appreciate just being with these guys part-time, though I still can't help thinking that a lot of the stuff we do together is just boring now. During my weekends away from them, I read books, spend time with relatives, I've even caught up with past co-workers I haven't talked to in a while.

Is it wrong to break out of this other shell, that of being with the same people almost every week? Would I be considered an asshole or two-face for wanting to spend time with new friends?

Any other suggestions?

posted by Myles to human relations (24 comments total)

Is it wrong to break out of this other shell, that of being with the same people almost every week?

Did you read this after you wrote it? Is it wrong?

If you're bored go do something else.
posted by jon_kill at 11:16 AM on December 15, 2008

You do realize, don't you, that you've answered your own question? Do you feel inhibited? (Limited, really.) Yes. So, figure out how to change that. Your friends might be perfectly happy, so it's not a change that will necessarily involve them.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:21 AM on December 15, 2008

I think they're just clannish

Of course they are- they're a clan. Some people love not having to go out and meet new friends, being able to spend their free time with people they're already comfortable with, and that's OK. But you are not one of those people. Go forth and multiply the social circles you inhabit.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:21 AM on December 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Isn't this kinda the story of everyone in their twenties? You start to grow up, get more involved in what you enjoy and start to drift away from your old clique of friends. You find new friends that share your interests, and you may even eventually grow away from them. That's life.
posted by Pollomacho at 11:22 AM on December 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

You're a grownup. Your friends can handle you seeing new people. If they can't, what kind of friends are they? It sounds like you don't have a very high opinion of them, anyway. You don't like their hobbies. You don't like their day jobs. You don't like their humor. They are who they are, and if they haven't changed, maybe they're happy the way they are. If you don't like that, then why are you hanging around them? No one wants a friend who doesn't like them. By moving on, you'd be doing them a favor too.
posted by katillathehun at 11:24 AM on December 15, 2008

It sounds like a nice tradition, but yeah, you need other stuff in your life. If you want, you could still see them Sat night and go out Fridays with other people. Or you could just skip a couple Saturdays with the guys and see how it feels.

I don't know why you are thinking so much about it, no one is forcing you to hang out.
Friends are for enjoying, not for being tethered to.
Go do something else with your time and then maybe the space will make you miss being with them and actually want to hang out again.
posted by rmless at 11:25 AM on December 15, 2008

Yes. You are the sum of your five closest friends. Hanging out with active, intelligent, creative people will make you more active, intellectually challenged and creatively stimulated. Hanging out with slovenly, chronically flaky misanthropic assholes will make you more like me. Er, them.

People rarely seem to choose their friends, they always fall into them by proximity. Think on how many friends you have that are not from school, work, neighbors, or family? If you actively seek out amazing people, and associate yourself with them, you can pull yourself up. It's not leeching, it's symbiosis.
posted by spatula at 11:26 AM on December 15, 2008 [13 favorites]

I'm about to turn 20 and I'm in a similar situation. I think you just need to take it upon yourself to go out and meet more people. It sounds like your friends aren't the people who would be into that, so you have to do it yourself. Don't hold yourself back, do what you feel like you need to do.
posted by god particle at 11:32 AM on December 15, 2008

Short answer: yes.

Long answer: not necessarily, provided you have friends who are diverse and interested in different things and like introducing each other to those things, as well as trying out new ones. But this, according to your question, is Not Your Friends.

If you're finding yourself bored with your activities (and I'm not surprised you are ... the same old thing, every Saturday, for weeks/months/years? Sheesh. Skydiving would get dull under that kind of schedule), I'd suggest looking into other things to do with your free time. There are scads of previous AskMe questions that address how to entertain oneself, places to go in [insert city here], how to make friends, meet people, etc. Seek out some things that interest you, or some of those things that you suggest to the guys and they shoot down, and try to have some new experiences/meet new people.

Depending on the 'type' these guys are, and how concerned you are with upsetting/offending them, come up with the appropriate explanation for you absences in the group outings, ranging from the evasive ("Sorry guys, I'm busy next Saturday"), convenience lie ("Got a date"), semi-truthful ("There's a Thing happening, I really want to attend"), or blatant honesty ("Dude, this dinner/tv/video game thing is getting old. I need a break").

Revel in your newfound freedom, the world is your oyster ...
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 11:32 AM on December 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

What everyone else said. Would just like to add:

They're definitely not anti-social, since they all work customer service jobs.

That's not necessarily related. I work in customer service but I'm not terribly outgoing and spend most weekends on my own, or with the same crowd of people.

You've moved on, you want to experience new things. Go out and do it! Don't wait for them to come along tho, they seem quite comfortable where they are. If they're good friends they won't resent you for it and you can still hook up with them when you feel like it.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 11:34 AM on December 15, 2008

As others have pointed out, you've pretty much answered your own question. The real question is really whether you choose to find other people to socialize with who do things that you find more engaging, or whether you try to get your friends to try some new things.

Is it that you're looking to mix up your activities with these otherwise good friends or that you're searching for new people to socialize with? Do you think if you mixed up your routine with your old friends things would improve?

Either way, you definitely shouldn't feel guilty.
posted by Adam_S at 11:34 AM on December 15, 2008

Of course it's not wrong.

Would I be considered an asshole or two-face for wanting to spend time with new friends?
I hope not, but it's certainly possible. It's happened to me before, that's one big reason I live in L.A. and not Baltimore, where I grew up. Some people are definitely small-minded enough to interpret your interest in anything or anyone new as a threat. But you can't let people like that hold you back from living your life- that won't make anyone happy.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:54 AM on December 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Is it possible that hanging out too much with the same circle of friends can be... inhibiting?

Doing anything too much can be inhibiting.

Have fun meeting new people. Meeting new people does not equal being an asshole.

What's being an asshole? Going around talking about how your old friends "limited you," instead of appreciating the good things they do bring to your life.

(I was guilty of this when I was younger, and it makes me cringe to this day.)

And remember, shiny and new will always seem awesome, the answer to all your problems.

Until it gets old.

Hope you enjoy yourself and meet lots of different people.
posted by uxo at 11:58 AM on December 15, 2008

Honestly, I think I've heard similar excuses whenever I tried suggesting a place that would definitely have a "crowd" there.

"Oh, okay. Well, regardless, that's where I'M going. Have fun doing the same old thing!"
posted by hermitosis at 12:29 PM on December 15, 2008

I've been involved in both sides of this situation... as someone bored with the group status quo, and as a group member who watches someone else fly the coop.

Of course hanging out with the exact same people can be inhibiting. It's not good when the social highlight of your week includes a nagging suspicion that you'd rather be elsewhere. The trashing of new ideas and people outside of your group is almost certainly a groupthink defense mechanism.

The only way to buck the trend is for you to take action. Do new stuff, meet new people. At the very least, it'll make you feel more well-rounded, and it may make your meetups with your tried and true friends more enjoyable for you. Occasionally try inviting your old friends to partake in plans that are concrete, not abstract ("Do you want to join me to do X at Ypm with Joe and Jennifer?" vs "Does anyone feel like seeing a movie next week?"). Maybe they'll get on board, maybe they won't. I'm finally starting to enjoy mixing groups of new and old friends, and the results have been good.

It's possible that your old buddies will resent you for rocking the boat, but it's also possible that they'll be happy for you and be glad to have some new opportunities to do stuff other than the old standby.

Just don't do anything too extreme unless it is required. An old friend of mine recently decided that he was living too much in the past, so he cut off ties with everyone he knew from college, changed all of his contact info, and requested that we never attempt to contact him again... talk about insulting.
posted by adamk at 12:39 PM on December 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

You can have more than one group of friends.
posted by desuetude at 12:41 PM on December 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Would I be considered an asshole or two-face for wanting to spend time with new friends?

By them? Or by the world at large?

Because the answers are quite possibly and no, respectively. Which should, in and of itself, answer your other questions.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:25 PM on December 15, 2008

A good goal to aim for is to hang out with people who make you laugh, interest you, and make you feel happy and perhaps also good about yourself.

I have severed ties with people who stopped meeting these requirements and cultivated friendships with ones who do.
posted by bondgirl53001 at 4:37 PM on December 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

For a long time I was like you, hung around with the same small group for years. It's no good - eventually you know all their stories and you know about every moment in their lives. And those were good friends of mine, but I'd rather not see them every weekend. Now I have three different circles of friends, basically. Sometimes they even intermix, but mostly they are seperate - defined by different interests I share with them. Some of them are people who love to go out. Another group likes to stay in. Also, there are weekends where I'd prefer to see none of them - and I do my own thing.

So, if you feel inhibited - and they won't do anything different, do something different yourself. Find other people who share your interest in going out, etc. Don't give up on those friends, just try to see them less.
posted by crossoverman at 5:30 PM on December 15, 2008

Couldn't you make new friends and still see your current friends sometimes, just not every weekend? I think I'd probably get bored if I saw the same people every single weekend, but maybe that's just me.

I guess what I find curious is that you seem to think the choice is between these guys or other guys, and you can't have both. Even if your friends are clannish new friends don't necessarily have to detract much from your time with them. It makes me wonder, though, if you make that dichotomy because what you really want is to just never hang out with your current friends anymore. If that's what you want, then do it.
posted by Nattie at 6:25 PM on December 15, 2008

Thanks for the overwhelming amount of responses. And yeah, I realized that while gleaning over my question I've already answered half of my concerns. Heh. I just crunched in all the details that I could from whatever I had left of my lunch break.

My main gripe was finding a way to safely convey to your old buddies that "yeah we've had our fun times and we can be a crazy bunch, but hey, you don't mind me stepping out of the circle during my own time to experience or seek other things, right?" -- doing this without having them feel threatened or insulted, given their current attitudes and the lingering "groupthink defense mechanism," as adamk succinctly put it.

No, I'm not looking to break clean from them, like others have mistakenly assumed. I did state in the original post that I do hang with them once in a while now. And no, katilla, just... no... on the part about not liking their hobbies, dayjobs, humour, blahbedy blah. We're technologically-adept IT geekoids or gamers on some parts of the spectrum, plus other interests to boot, so we do share plenty in common and, likewise, can laugh and crack jokes about the same shit. I'll also dispel your assumption that I'm selfishly trying to change them. No, I'll I'm saying is "Come on folks, let's mix it up!" Hammer time. (or Miller time, however I do prefer Guinness)

But this is enough. Thanks everyone for the creative input. I think the reassurance and the ideas have led me to believe that I can make it all a win-win, even for my old buddies.
posted by Myles at 11:58 PM on December 15, 2008

"My main gripe was finding a way to safely convey to your old buddies that "yeah we've had our fun times and we can be a crazy bunch, but hey, you don't mind me stepping out of the circle during my own time to experience or seek other things, right?" -- doing this without having them feel threatened or insulted, given their current attitudes and the lingering "groupthink defense mechanism," as adamk succinctly put it."

I think you're takng it all a bit seriously. If you like tennis/movies/writing/music, then go to a local tennis/movies/writing/music event. Go on your own, or with some of these people, or with someone from work. You don't need permission, or to worry about hurting friends' feelings.
posted by Cantdosleepy at 6:42 AM on December 16, 2008

My main gripe was finding a way to safely convey to your old buddies that "yeah we've had our fun times and we can be a crazy bunch, but hey, you don't mind me stepping out of the circle during my own time to experience or seek other things, right?" -- doing this without having them feel threatened or insulted, given their current attitudes and the lingering "groupthink defense mechanism," as adamk succinctly put it.

Don't say it. Just sometimes, when they ask what snacks you're bringing for Saturday night, or what game you want to play, say 'Oh, I'm not going to be able to make it, I'm going to see a play.' or 'Oh, I'm not going to be able to make it, I have a photography class that night.' or whatever.

You don't have to ask them permission to not attend these casual gatherings or to find new friends. As long as you show up periodically, it's unlikely they'll mind. They may not even notice that much -- surely not everyone attends video game night every week? They must occasionally have travel, family obligations, etc. So you're a little more obligated than in the past. No big.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:24 AM on December 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't think you even need to say anything to them about why you're branching out. Just start doing it. You don't need to cut them off, just start doing something different once in a while and tell them you're busy. Or do it the nights that you're not supposed to be hanging out with them.

Personally, your friends sound not very exciting to me. Are any of you dating or looking to? Because this lifestyle sounds like a recipe for that never happening as well.

If you want to do something, do it. You should't worry about what other people think, because as long as you're not hurting anybody else, it's nobody's business but your own.
posted by atomly at 4:46 PM on December 16, 2008