How to discuss sleeping arrangements with boyfriend's mom

December 14, 2008 9:33 PM

How do I discuss sleeping arrangements with my boyfriend's mom?

I'm going on a 4-day, 3-night ski trip with my boyfriend's family. This includes his mom, stepdad, stepbrother (C), brother (J) and brother's girlfriend (K). C is 25-30, J is my age (18), and K is 1 yr younger. The bf is 23. BF is pretty close to J, and neither of them are very close to C. I've met C once. J and K live with the BF and me, but we don't spend a lot of time together at all. I'd say we are friendly acquaintances. The same is true for my relationship with his mom and stepdad.

His mom has decided/assumed that the sleeping arrangements will be as follows: mom+stepdad in master bedroom, C in 2nd bedroom (with twin beds), and me, the BF, J, and K in the living room, which has one king-sized sofa bed. No one else has wanted to discuss this so far, so it's a pretty tentative arrangement.

I'm not really comfortable with rooming with J. To me, it would make more sense to put me and K in the 2nd bedroom, and the guys in the living room. It might be a cultural thing (I'm from Singapore, they're Canadian) but that's not really the point.

How do I maximise the probability of my ideal sleeping arrangements while not offending anyone? His mom and stepdad are paying for accomodations and a couple of meals on the trip, so we will be guests, and I want to respect her decisions as hostess, but I feel really weird about sleeping (and living!) in the same space as J, who's really just some guy I barely know. There won't be any closets/dressers, so there will probably be next to no privacy in the living room.

The boyfriend could bring this up with his mom, but what should he say? He's gone on group trips with friends where he slept in the same room as other girls, so he's having problems thinking of something to tell his mom.

posted by Xianny to human relations (26 comments total)

"Hey, I know this isn't something that usually comes up, but I think X might feel uncomfortable sharing a room with (J/men). It doesn't really seem to be the norm in Singapore for people of the opposite sex to share a sleeping/living area..."

What *he* has done in the past isn't really relevant to what *you* are going to do. His mother may have just made the assumption based on her own experience and may not mind being corrected (you'll have to rely on his/your knowledge of her for this). Especially with a cultural difference to blame things on she very well could appreciate the forewarning and chance to avoid making you feel uncomfortable.

If you do decide to go along with her on this, remember that sharing the living room is very different from sharing a bedroom. In my experience the living room is just where you stick 'everyone else', in sleeping bags or on an air mattress or just in blankets on the sofa. You can still go change in the bathroom - in fact you should, since someone else might decide to go wander through the living room to go to the restroom / get a midnight snack / whatever.
posted by Lady Li at 9:47 PM on December 14, 2008

It might be a cultural thing (I'm from Singapore, they're Canadian) but that's not really the point.

It's not really the point, but it's potentially a factor that you can leverage to your advantage. The fact that your boyfriend's mother defaulted to boyfriends and girlfriends sharing sleeping space suggests a liberal, progressive worldview, which should be particularly susceptible to arguments based on consideration of cultural differences. I'd totally use this angle.

Beware that you might be pissing off J and K in doing this; they likely would rather sleep together. Since you live with these people, you should probably discuss it with them at the next possible opportunity (now?) to avoid any awkwardness.
posted by mr_roboto at 9:51 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't think it's unreasonable to have your boyfriend tell his mom "Xianny's not comfortable sharing a room with a guy she barely knows, could we have the twin beds?" (I'm not sure why you suggest you and K taking the twin beds instead of you and BF unless you think she'll be uncomfortable too - if that's the case, work that into the phone call)
posted by chndrcks at 9:52 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Before i read and decoded your question, I assumed that she would want the girls in one room and the boys in the other, and that you wanted to stay with your boyfriend. In fact, she probably assumes that you want to sleep with your boyfriend and is just trying to accommodate you. Maybe you could talk to K and see if she wants to do your plan. If she does, it should be okay to tell the mom. If you're the only one who likes your plan, just forget it.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 9:53 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Can you chat with K to see what she thinks? Is she uncomfortable with the arrangements? If so, perhaps you can raise it jointly to make it more of a "the two of us feel that it would be better if we did this some other way". If she has no problems with it, perhaps you might suggest to your boyfriend that he speak to his parents and ask that the two you stay in the second bedroom, with C, J and K in the living room?

I would guess that if you live together with J and K, your boyfriends' parents have made the arrangements that makes the most sense from an outsiders' perspective. On the surface of what you have told us, the two couples would seem to be much more likely to be OK with rooming with each other than with C.

I know you said that you don't want to focus on the cultural thing, but it might actually make for a good excuse for your boyfriend when he talks to his parents about it. Does your boyfriend back you up on this? It really seems that it is up to him to deal with it to make you more comfortable during the trip. I'm sure he knows the best way to broach it with his parents without making it a huge deal that would affect everyone's comfort level during the trip.

Good luck!
posted by gemmy at 9:57 PM on December 14, 2008

Yeah, expect K to be pretty unhappy at being separated from her bf. Would you really be less uncomfortable spending those days rooming with a female who resents the situation than you would be if you share the room with the other couple?
posted by hermitosis at 10:09 PM on December 14, 2008

You don't discuss it with your bf's mother. As you point out, you are a guest. You should be thankful that you have been invited to a 4-day, 3-night ski trip and sleep where you are told.

No one else has wanted to discuss this so far, so it's a pretty tentative arrangement.

That is your bf's family dynamic. Apparently, they don't discuss things. And if they don't discuss things, I don't think they will welcome your input. Finally, your bf, who is 23, is old enough to be assertive and take up the matter with his parents. The mind reels that he did not discuss this with them and work out a better arrangement before presenting it to you.
posted by MLIS at 10:25 PM on December 14, 2008

> J and K live with the BF and me, but we don't spend a lot of time together at all.

So you live with your boyfriend, his brother (with whom you said the boyfriend is close), and the brother's girlfriend, and you're uncomfortable sleeping in the same room as him?

I think I'm failing to understand how you can live with someone yet be so uncomfortable with him, especially since he's the brother of your boyfriend (and not, for instance, some random dude.)

Regardless of the reasons, you're obviously uncomfortable. You could try talking to your boyfriend about this, who could in turn bring it up to his mother. It sounds like you have already mentioned your discomfort to your boyfriend, but what's wrong with him just communicating that to his mother? It's perfectly acceptable for a girl not to want to share a bedroom with another guy (even if she lives with the guy.)

Are we getting the full picture here, or is there something that happened between you and your roommate J that is making you this uncomfortable?
posted by Third at 10:48 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

If I'm reading this correctly, Stepbro has one bedroom all to himself with an empty twin bed in it, and four of you are expected to share one king-size bed. It would make more sense to sleep dormitory-style, with the girls in the twin bedroom and the guys in the living room. If the men don't want to share a bed, can they put a cot or something in the twin bedded room and have the guys in there while you share the king with K? All your BF has to do in any case is tell his mom "Xianny would be more comfortable if we were grouped [whichever way]."
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:52 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

A lot of things might make sense, but these decisions are the hostess' prerogative. You can accept the offered arrangement, decline the invitation, or arrange your own lodging nearby. Criticizing the offered hospitality to the hostess' face would be extremely rude.

Putting your boyfriend up to asking his mother to change things around might be OK, might not; it depends on things like your relationship with your boyfriend and your boyfriend's relationship with his mother and the rest of his family. Depending on the way it's done, it could end up reflecting very poorly on you in a variety of ways.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:13 AM on December 15, 2008

Thanks to everyone for the helpful answers. We didn't really think about how J and K would feel about this; just assumed that they wouldn't want to be crowded in with me and my BF either.

MLIS: I'm asking for possible ways to bring this up with my BF's mom without offending or insulting her. I don't think she's considered this angle yet, so it hasn't reflected in her decisions, and I just want to find a way to make her aware that I might feel this way. I'm not going to sulk about it to her face.

When she first brought up the trip she seemed to assume I was coming and K wasn't. She'd planned for J to room with C, and my BF and I to sleep in the living room. She's talked about the sleeping (re)arrangements, but not at times when it was convenient to discuss it. It doesn't sound like it's set in stone yet, and previously she's been open to discussion on many things.

Third: J has 2 rooms in the basement, and K is more informally crashing with him than actually living here. My BF and I have rooms in the upper level of the house, so we only really share the kitchen, and J rarely, if ever, cooks. I moved in 3 months ago. I like J fine; I'm just uncomfortable sleeping with a guy I'm not related to.
posted by Xianny at 12:25 AM on December 15, 2008

HEY LOOK IT'S XIANNY.

In all seriousness, none of us know what your boyfriend's mum is going to think. Likewise, we don't know what the dynamic between you and K is like. Do you really think it would be less awkward sleeping in a room by yourself with your boyfriend's brother's girlfriend that you don't really know? Most people would prefer the comfort of having their partner with them, it makes for a much less unsettling proposition.

That said, ask yourself how unsettling it really would be to sleep in the same room as J. You say your boyfriend has slept with no issues in similar circumstances, ask him how he dealt with it. Perhaps he can wash any some silly fears you might have.

In any case, I hope it doesn't ruin your trip! (PS did you hear Mandy topped the entire state for VCE today?)
posted by PuGZ at 12:55 AM on December 15, 2008

It might be a cultural thing (I'm from Singapore, they're Canadian) but that's not really the point.

Well, I think it is kinda the point here. What you're suggesting - you and K take the room with twin beds and all the boys bunk together - makes total sense to YOU, but will likely upset both K and J. Most couples would rather stay in the same room. I know that for me (American), I would rather stay in the same room with 'moonMan even if it meant sharing the room than staying in separate bedrooms.

Your plan doesn't sound to me like it will offend your BF's mom - I honestly don't think she really cares about where you guys sleep as long as everyone finds a bed somewhere, but it sounds like it WILL bother K and probably J as well. If I were in K's shoes, I would be pissed that I got separated from my BF because of someone else's issues.

This is also the sort of situation that causes more anxiety thinking about it than actually doing it. Going on the trip, you'll be fine wherever you end up sleeping. Yeah, it might be weird, but it's just for a few days. And it's not just you- everyone in this situation is in the same boat. NO ONE will have any privacy. It's really ok, these things happen on group trips, and it's something you're going to have to confront every once in a while with your BF's family.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:30 AM on December 15, 2008

Under the current arrangement, four people are going to be sharing one King-sized bed, while there's a twin bed going unused in another room. That alone is enough to make me think WTF?!?

I mean, sure, for whatever letters correspond to the other couple besides you and your boyfriend, sleeping in the same room might be nice, but not if it requires sharing a bed with 2 other people. That's just weird and creepy.

The boy-girl split is the only one that makes sense given the rooms you describe, and even that almost necessitates that a rollaway cot or something be brought in to accommodate someone in the living room. A king-sized bed could accommodate 3 people, but that's still strange. Who has to be the one in the middle who can't even get up in the night?

I think you just have to have your boyfriend approach his mother and say that you're a conservative person and you're not really comfortable sharing a bed with people you don't know well, particularly members of the opposite sex.

Is getting your own hotel room at all a possibility here? A big part of this problem is that they're trying to sleep 7 people in a house that really only accommodates 6.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:18 AM on December 15, 2008

Xianny, you're essentially going to have to come to terms with the situation.

The sofa bed is likely a queen, not a king, unless it's really that massive. All the same, only 2 people are actually going to sleep on it, and that will leave 2 people on the floor. You're not going to be "sleeping with J", you'll be sleeping in the same room. It's just sleeping arrangements, anyway; you'll change in another room or the bathroom or whatever.

You and your BF can't take the room with the 2 twin beds, because that puts out C, and pretty much forces him to sleep on the floor, since J & K would share the sofa bed. You're going to have a hard time explaining why you're comfortable sleeping in the same room as K, but not J, since they're essentially equally strangers to you.
posted by explosion at 5:21 AM on December 15, 2008

I don't think the difference between 'willing to share a room with strange females' and 'willing to share a room with strange males' is all that hard for a woman to explain.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:52 AM on December 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

You're going to have a hard time explaining why you're comfortable sleeping in the same room as K, but not J, since they're essentially equally strangers to you.

One of them has a penis. It's completely normal in cultures which have an idea of modesty for unrelated men and women not to want to sleep in the same room.

The situation as described is unworkable anyway; four people can't share a pullout. All suggested arrangements are now on equal footing. The preferable solution is to put the girls in beds, have the brothers split the pullout and put the stepbrother on a cot.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 5:59 AM on December 15, 2008

I don't know. That seems to come out incredibly sexist the way you say it, Jacquilynne.

Xianny's not being asked to sleep with J. The situation is that she will be sleeping with her boyfriend, in the same living room as J & K. They're all young enough to be high school students or college freshmen, with the exception of the boyfriend who is older. It's like a sleepover on a New Year's party, or like going camping.

Saying that she's uncomfortable sleeping (sleeping!) in the same room as J implies that she thinks of him as a potential predator, and that's going to be hard to explain to the parents. If it was merely a discomfort due to notions of privacy or discomfort at strangers, then K would also be an issue.

To assume that 4 people are actually going to all sleep on the same bed is just silly, as well. There aren't enough beds, sure, but they're already paying to take everyone skiing. A hotel room is absurd. The kids can just alternate nights on the floor, or maybe go buy an air mattress before the trip.
posted by explosion at 6:04 AM on December 15, 2008

We still live in a world where bathrooms are gendered, even ones that are a pair of self-contained rooms. I don't think being uncomfortable sleeping in a room with a strange man is a) sexist or b) hard to explain.

Gender segregation in sleeping arrangements is not exactly some hoary old idea from the 18th century that nobody does anymore. Yeah, some people are more open and liberal about that now, and that's probably not a terrible thing, but not wanting to sleep in the same room as strange men is not exactly a bizarre, unusual thing, far more the opposite, really.

I've gone to many camps and conferences and on vacation trips over the years, and while I've often been asked to share a room with relative strangers, it's never, not once, been with a man. If there were odd numbers of boys and odd numbers of girls, then one boy and one girl would get to sleep alone -- it would never be seen as appropriate to put them together. Sure, I've also gone on trips with friends where groups of mixed genders shared rooms, but those were friends, and we made those arrangements ourselves and agreed to them.

And if people are going to end up on the floor, then why wouldn't the arrangements be made in such a way that the maximum possible number of people are sleeping in beds? As it's currently described, there's a bed going free, while two people are apparently going to be sleeping on the floor.

As an added note, I wasn't suggested that the poster ask the boyfriend's parents to pay for a hotel room, but rather, asking if it was possible for them to pay for their own hotel room. Sorry if I wasn't clear on that. Certainly asking the parents to cough up for a hotel room would be way out of line.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:29 AM on December 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Sure, I've also gone on trips with friends where groups of mixed genders shared rooms, but those were friends, and we made those arrangements ourselves and agreed to them.

It's perfectly reasonable to assume since everyone lives together that it'd be ok to crash in the living room together. It's not as if she's saying X and J sleep in the same room and everyone else is in the living room.

But if someone's uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements, that's reason enough to ask to switch up. Keep in mind that the brother's girlfriend may prefer to sleep in the living room with her boyfriend.

The problem I would have with the sleeping arrangement is that there's no privacy for any of the couples. That's no fun when you're on vacation.
posted by electroboy at 6:43 AM on December 15, 2008

What MLIS said. You're a guest; their house, their arrangements. There may be all sorts of private reasons why this arrangement has been made. It's not a long time. Be pleasant and grateful and have fun. Bring modest PJs and go buy a $20 airbed and pump.

If you think it sounds too odd and crowded, then beg off and don't go. But you really have no idea why this is considered the best arrangment, and honestly you may not want to know. Be amenable - if anyone is going to propose a change, either before or during the trip, it should be a member of the family, not you, and let them handle it in private, not around the dinner table. It can really poison a vacation, and especially with family, there is a host of agendas below the surface and it is really best for you, the unmarried girlfriend, to stay our of them as best you can unless you're asked what you think.
posted by Miko at 7:38 AM on December 15, 2008

I think I need to clarify that I feel uncomfortable sharing a sleeping space with J, or any other guy, not because I think he might be a predator, but simply for, well, for lack of a better way to put it, gender-related privacy.

That said, I don't really need to know what sleeping arrangements make sense to who, because that's really a matter of opinion and AskMefi has pretty diverse opinions. Please, offer suggestions for how to bring this up with the mom.

I'm not going to talk to her about it myself, as I don't want her to feel like I'm complaining. I want to make her aware of this consideration, which doesn't seem to have been something she's thought of before. If she's taken this into consideration, and still decides that J+K+BF+me/C is the best sleeping arrangement for this trip, then fine.

Since I don't want to talk to her about it, that leaves us to find tactful things for the BF to say.

Also, I can't beg off, because she's repeatedly told me and BF, "make sure J is coming, we're spending a lot of money on this and it would be terrible if any of you cancelled."
posted by Xianny at 9:00 AM on December 15, 2008

What type of gender related privacy do you need when sleeping in the same room as someone?
You'll all be in the same room for maybe 8 hours while asleep; for only 3 nights.
Everyone will be getting dressed\undressed 100 times in and our of ski clothes in BATHROOMS the whole trip.
You'll be living out of a suitcase so it's not like lady unmentionables will be strewn across the house.
You'll be skiing all day. Hanging out at night. The 4 of you will only be in the room when it's time to pass out.

If anything just ask your bf to say. "Hey Mom, I was thinking about the sleeping arrangements and wondering if xianny, j, k, and I can all get the room with the two twin beds."
I don't see why that would be awkward at all to talk about esp. if she knows you're all living together currently.

She also seems pretty open-minded since she put all of you in the same room to begin with so I don't think she'll find the question weird or off putting at all.

If everything I just said seems alien to you then I'd just be grateful that you are getting setup on a cool trip and not mention anything to Mom.
To cope you can bring huge baggy flannel pjs, your own sleeping bag, and then when it's time to go to bed go sleep in the tub with the door locked.
posted by zephyr_words at 9:37 AM on December 15, 2008

Surely you're not uncomfortable sleeping in the same room as your boyfriend? Explain to Mom that you're not comfortable with the tentative arrangements, and could you please have the room with the twin beds for you and BF?

Since you all live together, she likely hasn't given it any thought that you'd be uncomfortable with J. Cite the cultural reasons, but don't drag K into it. She likely would like to spend the vacation sleeping with her boyfriend too. Not giving consideration to that is pretty self-centered.
posted by chiababe at 9:39 AM on December 15, 2008

Wow, that was a loaded response from the OP. You ask a question and we weigh in. Sure, we're not telling you exactly what you want to hear or exactly what you asked, but we're telling you what we find relevant in your question and what we feel is an appropriate response. AskMe isn't a magic genie. It's a tool filled with people who are imperfect and opinionated. If you have a problem with the answers pertaining to information that you think is irrelevant, then you shouldn't have included that information. Repeating your question with sections in bold feels extremely condescending from where I'm sitting. We can read. We saw that the first time. We just feel that there are different variables of the situation to be addressed. You can take or leave any answers that you like, but don't fault the answerers for responding to information that you included in the question.

Since I don't want to talk to her about it, that leaves us to find tactful things for the BF to say.

Don't. This conversation is one that you, as an adult, should have with your BF's mom if it's going to be had at all. This is YOUR issue, not your BF's. Don't make him be your go-between. If you can't talk to her yourself, suck it up. Asking him to be a mediator for your insecurities makes this far more drama-prone that it ever needed to be. I personally can't stand it when anyone makes me the go-between for two people who are fully capable of holding down a reasonable conversation between themselves. There's absolutely no reason for it and it comes off as childish.

Talk to her yourself or don't bring it up.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:42 AM on December 15, 2008

Yes, I think you should understand that the mom will be asking some of the same questions that you see MeFites asking. She will assume that since you all share housing anyway, you are all comfortable with one another. She will assume that couples want to be together (which is very nice in a parent). She will have some trouble understanding a degree of modesty that prevents you being in a room with other people your age while you are all asleep. She may want to sequester C because he is significantly older than the rest of you and perhaps she feels it would be inappropriate for the single guy to be in a room as the third wheel with either other couple. She may not think that you should be able to dictate where K sleeps, since K probably wants to sleep with her boyfriend, too. So the answers you're getting ARE useful, since I'd wager she will have some similar opinions.

In one sense, this is what happens when you rent a space that doesn't have enough private rooms for all the people in their various combinations. So she is probably already aware that she is asking everyone to put up with a little less comfort and privacy than they have at home. If you can't be gracious about that, and roll with it, then really, why are you going on the trip? If you cancel, your boyfriend doesn't have to. If you really can't stand the thought of laying down on an airbed and going to sleep in a room in which another couple is sleeping, you are going to be limited in your travel opportunities in future - especially with this family, who seems to have a relaxed attitude about it.

So in my view you have these choices:
-insist on a private room, either alone or with your boyfriend (incidentally putting the underage K in a room with someone over 25). As grapefruitmoon suggests, if your boyfriend isn't already working this out with his mom himself, then have the conversation yourself. It is your request. Take the consquences that come with your being the one to need the arrangements changed and affecting everyone else.
-learn to deal with (and even enjoy) the confined quarters often involved in group travel experiences. Develop strategies for spending time alone, changing in private, and dressing modestly so you don't feel overexposed. Bring an eye mask or a book or music player to lose yourself in if you feel crowded. Take walks. Take special pleasure in the crowded, social, holiday, sleepover atmosphere of a vacation house. Spend plenty of time outside and in the bar and on the patio, so that when you finally do lay down, you crash like a rock, insensible of anything. Bring extra covers and make them large and thick. Rearrange the room so that you set up your bed behind the back of the sofa, so there is a bit of a barrier, if it helps you feel more private.
-get a room in another hotel nearby with your boyfriend, and pay for it yourselves.
-don't go on the trip, and don't agree to any future trips unless you know and are happy with the arrangments, or are in charge of them yourself. When someone else is paying, you generally need to go along, or you may be seen as a bit high-maintenance and ingrateful.

This may be a cultural problem for you, but it's also a cultural crossroads. Are you going to insist on not changing your behavior and having others accommodate you? Or are you going to do as the Romans? Since you are involved with a famly who has the more casual side of Western values, this will come up again. Is it time to develop a new policy for yourself, that you are never to be in a sleeping room with anyone other than your SO? Or is it time to challenge yourself to be open to other ways of living and be part of a family community that is different from the one you grew up with?

I'm a white American person, but I grew up in a relatively modest family, too. However, after a few years in my teens working at a summer camp, I gradually lost my reserve and spent my 20s and 30s having great travel experiences that involved plenty of sharing of rooms, floor sleeping, changing outdoors and with others around, etc. Ideas about modesty aren't immutable, and honestly, sleeping fully clothed in a room with others who you already know and live with is at the extreme low end of the spectrum of immodesty.

So if you really think you are going to need accomodations, then you are getting very helpful answers because you need to recognize that "I'm just not comfortable" will be seen as sort of a thin reason for asking for the changes you want. The language you can use is basically "Hello, bf's Mom? This is xianny. I'm really looking forward to this trip we have coming up, but I wanted to talk with you about the sleeping arrangements. Are they set in stone? Because I was thinking about it - I am a pretty modest person, and I feel kind of exposed sharing the living room with the other couple. Is there any other arrangement we can figure out, or should J and I just try to find a hotel room?"
posted by Miko at 10:10 AM on December 15, 2008 [2 favorites]