How do I balance my career and my relationship?

December 12, 2008 1:53 PM

My romantic partner and I are looking at a potential separation about half a year from now, when I may need to move away for professional school. Help us (me, really) cope! tl;dr version: tips and suggestions for a couple, potentially headed for a potential long distance relationship thanks to career pressures?

We are in the lower 48 states of the USA, and in our late 20s. I think the world of my partner, who is really the perfect fit for me in many ways. Fortunately, these feelings are reciprocated (yay!), and we’ll have been dating exclusively for about a year and a half come the potential separation. We are “serious,” and in this for the long haul. Half a year from now, I hope to be holding acceptances from half a dozen programs for professional school. Training is three or more years in length, and this field is strictly hierarchical: higher ranking means unequivocally better career prospects.
Right now, we’re both in $metropolis, and while there are a few local schools, I’ll be accepted at only a fraction. Based on results thus far, I expect to choose between staying and attending middling programs, or potentially moving far away for one of the top programs.

My partner has been incredibly supportive, and tells me to do what’s best for my career. Furthermore, he/she volunteered to move to be with me, after tidying things up here. It would be about a two year lag, to tend to relatives’ health conditions, and save up some money. Despite this, I’m very loathe to put geographical distance between us, even temporarily. Even aside from suddenly getting into a long distance relationship, I worry about my partner relocating to be with me: he/she has a support network of friends and family here in $metropolis, and I worry about my partner’s well-being should that network suddenly disappear. Joining this profession, and attending one of the top programs to do so, has been a dream since childhood. While I realize that only I with my partner, can answer the question of which is more important to me and how to balance the two, does the Hive Mind have any general suggestions for what factors and strategies I should be considering?

The options that I see are:
a) Stay in $metropolis, attend a middling program and continue to see my partner regularly
b) Attend a regional program, potentially much better ranked, which is close enough to $metropolis to be drivable on a fairly frequent basis, and have a semi-long distance relationship, with or without expecting my partner to move
c) Attend a top program far away, getting into a real LDR where I’d only see my partner a few times a year, until they eventually move to be with me

How should we decide which of (a), (b), and (c) are best for us? Is there (d) or (e)? Have any of you been working on teleportation equipment?
I want to be fair to my partner, who has invested a great deal in this relationship, while also making the most of this opportunity to enter a new career, and potentially with a bang at that. If you would suggest that we go long distance after a relationship where we’ve been seeing each other in person very frequently, how do we adjust?

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posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

My gf and I are currently practicing option b. It's hard, but it's the situation we're in and we're dealing with it.

I think that if you're truly committed to one another, you could make the career-boosting options work. You may not see each other as often as you'd like, and it will be very difficult, but it could also be very gratifying in the long run.

Option (d) is to focus on the positives here, not the negatives. You're with a partner who is being supportive and understanding, so you've cleared the biggest hurdle you could possibly face. And you have the chance to greatly improve both of your lives 5 or 10 years down the road. You just have to put up with the drawbacks for the next two years before reaping the rewards.
posted by mudpuppie at 2:12 PM on December 12, 2008

I did a long-distance (San Francisco to New York) relationship for three years while I was in law school. It sucked big giant moose farts. Going long-distance is a very hard thing on a relationship, and law school was stressful in and of itself without adding the additional stressors of trying to keep a relationship together. I would add that relationship is now long-dead, and I look back at law school as the three most miserable years of my existence.

I have to say as I read your post it almost sounds like you are making a case for your partner not joining you. If people refrained from moving because they'd be leaving behind a support network of family and friends, then nobody would ever move. If you are worried that asking your partner to move to be with you would ratchet up the intensity level of your relationship and perhaps you aren't quite ready to go there, that's a valid concern, but I'm sure that's the case. Your question doesn't indicate whether you are already living together or not, or if that is in the cards for you.

It seems to me that you've rejected an option d) which would be "have a heart to heart with partner about where the relationship is and how important it is to you, and ask your partner to join you when you leave to attend Top Program far away." Is that what you secretly want, and are afraid to ask of your partner, or is that something you don't want? Because I think that ought to be your starting point, to try to have the best of both worlds and only compromise somewhere if you have no alternative.

Otherwise, amor de lejos, amor de pendejos.
posted by ambrosia at 2:26 PM on December 12, 2008

Where do you want to end up living, after the professional school? It sounds like law school to me, and it's worth noting that location factors are *huge* in hiring at law firms. Showing that you have regional ties greatly improves your chances at many firms so, for instance, someone who went to a top-20 or even top-50 school in Texas might have a better chance at being hired at a Houston firm than someone who went to a top-5 on the left or right coast. So if you think you're going to want to return to your metropolis, going regional is not as detrimental as it would be if you wanted to work at Skadden Arps or something. Plus the reduced debt load would make life easier at the end, in terms of traveling to be together and what job you end up with eventually.
If I'm wrong and it's not law school, then all bets are off -- but you should at least look into the considerations for hiring in your profession.
posted by katemonster at 2:32 PM on December 12, 2008

Go to the best school you get into.

All thing considered you need to look after your own well being first and foremost. Hopefully everything else will follow suit.
posted by BobbyDigital at 4:10 PM on December 12, 2008

Aww. My partner and I are in a similar boat - I'm an international student, he's local, and I'll have to move back soon just because my visa's expiring. We've have 3-month separations before for summer hols but in those days we had an end date; now I'm not even sure which continent I'll be in. Like yours, my partner is awesome and utterly supportive; he's even suggested I take a trip around the world for a year while he finishes off uni. Sweet of him, but painful for me!! We've tried "breaking up" just so it won't be so painful when I leave, but we just like each other too much!

Personally I'd say it's important to follow your dream - we'd both feel horrible if we felt that we were holding the other one back. Communicate often, but also know that you're not "bound" to each other; you're two independent people with a deep connection to each other. Reaffirm how much you mean to each other. My dad left my mum to study overseas for two years literally the day after their wedding!!

I've got to go, but feel free to contact me for anything :)
posted by divabat at 4:26 PM on December 12, 2008

What's the two-year lag? Is that how long it would take the partner to be able to move, no matter what?
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:16 PM on December 12, 2008

You are really excited about going to the best professional school you can get into, and about joining that profession. Go for it! Yay!

But you will be incredibly busy in professional school, whatever school you go to, not to mention busy when you enter the profession, wherever that turns out to be. You'll have little time for a close, long-term relationship. With anyone.

Partner sounds much happier in $metropolis. Why should Partner move? Just make a clean break of it, say your farewells, and let Partner move on to a new relationship.

Years from now, you will look back on your relationship with Partner as a good one, maybe the best you've had, and you'll value it as the right relationship for that phase of your life. You'll hear that Partner eventually met someone else, married, and has children now. You'll feel happy for Partner.

You'll realize that your schooling and professional positions opened a whole new phase of your life, the one of your childhood dreams. And you'll realize that your relationship with Partner was insignificant compared with your professional accomplishments, and that Partner wouldn't fit into your current life anyway.

You'll remember with amusement the time when you were preparing for professional school and wanted to (somehow) maintain your relationship with Partner. You loved Partner! Partner loved you! You wanted to have your new career and Partner too! You wanted to have it all!!!

Then you'll sigh and realize that no one can Have It All in this life. Not really. The best anyone can do is try to make intelligent, informed choices, and live with the consequences.
posted by exphysicist345 at 6:56 PM on December 12, 2008

coming from someone who has done distance and subsequently moved and left everything to be together... the second part shouldnt be a worry of yours. making sacrifices is part of a relationship. if your partner is willing to move and it makes sense, let them. thank them for it and accept it and be happy.

as far as distance... going to the best school really sounds like the option youre pushing for, have wanted, and will benefit you the most. if you KNOW youre going to be together, itll be the best in the long run. i think making it distance really says a lot about a relationship and theres a lot to learn through it.
think about whether you will have time to dedicate (phone, skype, weekends) to your partner. if you do distance you'll need it.
also, are you both trusting? can you resolve arguments through words? can you keep the relationship fun and interesting without the physical or relative togetherness? ...those are things that will really matter in distance. if your relationship isn't that type it doesnt mean youre not compatible but that you'd probably be best you work out an option to be close/together.
think, for example, if being apart would cause you to feel depressed or overly dwell on the other person and what they're doing... you're not going to be accomplishing much or living a happy life at school either.

think about what type of relationship you have, and how you expect it might hold up in distance. try to take advantage of the best of both worlds if you can
posted by nzydarkxj at 7:20 PM on December 12, 2008

I'm about to celebrate 5 years in a relationship where 2 1/2 of them were long distance.

When we met, my partner already had in their mind that they were going to take up an opportunity that wasn't in the city they were currently living in. I was living on the other side of the country, and was planning (independent of the partner) to move to the city they were currently living in.

we had very serious intentions but we had no idea what was going to happen. we had plans we needed to follow.

i moved, and then a few months later, he left the city i was, to go take up the opportunity. that was about 9 months into things. we continued the relationship over the next two years. yes, it was TERRIBLE. we were both broke, we had no money to go visit outside of holidays or breaks, we had to split his time with family. the only thing that saved us was the fact that we were on the same cell provider so as long as we were mindful, phone calls could be unlimited and we talked every day.

i had stressors to deal with with my move and career transition; he had stressors to deal with as well. we supported each other greatly during the two years and we've talked about how we got through it and how well we supported each other.

i said i would wait for him; he said he would wait for me, and we did. but we each made the decisions that were right for us individually at the time. we were not at a point where we could compromise what was important to us, but one of the things that was important to us was also keeping the relationship going as best we could.

i would say, don't compromise what's best for you, no matter how strongly you feel about your partner. make the best of it.
posted by micawber at 7:23 PM on December 12, 2008

I worry about my partner relocating to be with me: he/she has a support network of friends and family here in $metropolis, and I worry about my partner’s well-being should that network suddenly disappear.

It's good of you to be concerned. Moving to be with someone else is a big source of stress, and it's a good sign that you're sensitive to that.

But if your partner is offering to move with you, say yes. Seriously.

(I've done both — I moved cross-country to be with one girlfriend, and with another I stayed put, kept my network of friends, and did the long-distance thing. Both were difficult, but the cross-country move was by far the easier of the two.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:12 PM on December 12, 2008

Being apart for long periods of time will destroy the vast majority of relationships. The chances of you two being together after two years apart is nearly zero. So end it and get on with life.
posted by tarvuz at 1:27 AM on December 13, 2008

Long distance relationships are tough. I'm sure academic stresses make them even harder.

There are so many factors to consider here I, probably wouldn't have bothered to respond except there are so many negative comments, I wanted to offer a more optimistic view.

Being apart for long periods of time will destroy the vast majority of relationships.

Maybe. But there are exceptions.

You say you are late 20s, so I think that is a plus for being able to work this. A lot depends on where you both are in your lives and doing this at 30 is different to doing it 20. Being closer to 30, I'd imagine you're more focused on your your goals and committed to each other than you might be if you were 20. You might even be more rational & patient than if you were a decade younger. It's a huge start if you are both on the same page and have the same sort of time frames for your life goals.

Personally, if I was the not you in this relationship, I'd be encouraging you to get into the best program you can. You're aiming for the future, you might as well aim as high as you can. If I was partner, I'd be ecstatic for you to be accepted to the best program. If you two are a team and the ranking is as important as you say it is, this is an investment for your future. If you're together at 80, this period apart will be a drop in the ocean and the sacrifice will be worth it. On the other hand if it doesn't work, well, it doesn't work. *shrug*
It's awesome that you're thinking about the impact on your partner, but I think you should be aiming as high as you can with your education and your partner should be supporting you. (Investment in your future together)

There will be hardship, if it's meant to be, you kids will make it work. I'm not a risk taking person, but I'd vote for C. With all positive thoughts in mind, go for the best you can, if the relationship doesn't work, at least you didn't compromise yourself or your future. If it works (fingers crossed) WA-HEY! BONUS! Maybe both of you imagine where you'll be when you're 80 years old.

Best of luck.
posted by goshling at 3:07 AM on December 13, 2008

I'm in situation c) without the possibility of my partner moving here. Been together for 3 years, with 1.5 spent in apart in different countries. Another 8 months is the absolute minimum before we can consider living in the same country.

It sucks. It is unquestionably the worst part about both our lives. We're both independent people with our own groups of friends and we're both close to our families. This helps, but not enough to make it easy. Pressure from work and family means that sometimes we don't get to talk properly for weeks on end and when we do, it's easy to let the stress seep into the relationship. We've gotten close to breaking up a few times because of the above and how much 'easier' life would be if we didn't have to consider the other person. We have friends and family who, though supportive the most of time, really don't understand us and recommend we call it quits.

But we do it anyway because we think this relationship is worth fighting and suffering for without compromising our careers and personal goals. It makes for a much brighter future for both of us. Like goshling says, a few years is not a long time in the grand scale of things. And the joy of seeing your loved one after months apart is unlike anything that I can describe. It is doable and anyone telling you to quit before even trying is doing you a disservice.

Good luck.
posted by slimepuppy at 7:48 AM on December 13, 2008

Wow . . . that sounds very similar to what I've been thinking about lately. I'll be applying to professional schools next year and I wonder what'll happen to my relationship if I end up wanting to go somewhere far away. But here's one important thing that (I don't think) anyone has pointed out yet-

You don't have your acceptances in hand yet. What if you have a heartbreaking talk where you decide its best to move on and then you only get into a local school? Things might be a little awkward.

My basic plan is to cross that bridge when I come to it. I figure that if I have to go somewhere far away, then we will see how it goes with us being apart. And if he ends up missing me enough to want to move, then that'll be his decision. In particular, I worry about the same thing as you- taking him away from his support network and having him resent me for it. By giving him a chance to miss me, then if he did ultimately decide to move to be with me, he would have better perspective on it. Meaning, even if he does start to feel crappy being away from his friends and family, he can also draw from the memory of how crappy it felt to be apart and remember that it was worth it. If he doesn't want to move- well, I think long distance puts a big strain on things. I think it's better to end things amicably and then if and when you do return, it may not be as hard as you think to rekindle things. If you're really meant to be, the feelings will still be there when you get back, and you'll value each other even more after having been apart so long. And if you really aren't meant to be- well then, by trying to maintain an LDR you could potentially be missing out on meeting the true love of your life in your new locale (and keeping him from doing the same back home.)

It probably sounds a little silly but I tend to think that things work out the way they do for a reason. I would wait and see what your acceptances really look like before you start making hard decisions. which reminds me, good luck with your applications!
posted by lblair at 4:27 PM on December 13, 2008

I'm in a long distance relationship (but my partner is currently 3 mm away from my face and his breath smells--he's telling me to write this) for graduate school. I would say to pick the best school for you that you can, according to whatever factors are important to you, and let your partner decide what's best for him. If his moving out of the city he's currently in was really a problem, he wouldn't be considering it.

It does sound a bit like you're trying to talk yourself out of having him move with you. It's possible that this is genuinely something you want to experience alone, and that's totally valid and fine. Whether you guys can weather the storm is highly dependent on your relationship and what you guys are like as individuals. I mean, LD academic relationships can be successful, but they do pretty much suck. Distance is hard, especially when your peers are all dating like it's high school, which, in my experience, is how grad school goes. However, a long distance relationship gives you lots of time and space to focus on work. Instead of OMGCUTEBOYS. So it's not as if there isn't at least one benefit.

If you go the long distance route, I have three pieces of advice for you: 1. Talk briefly on the phone every night, even if just to say "How was your day?" and "Good night?" 2. Try to see each other every 6-8 weeks. Anything more than that is unbearable. 3. Have a definite end date to your separation. It makes things much more bearable.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:30 PM on December 13, 2008 [2 favorites]

Love PhoBWanKenobi's suggestions. Three more - video cam via skype, ichat, whatever - it's nice to see your baby for a few minutes before sleeping. Some people have phone dates, etc. I think it works best to get into your new routine and see what works for you in terms of frequency and type of communication. Also find tv show, book, whatever that you both like, so you have something to connect over. And figure our major holidays and plan to do fun things - like go to a new restaurant in a city between you, etc....realizing half your time on vacation will be spent studying. :)

Disclosure: partner went to medical school in another city and I stayed where I was because my friends and great job were here. We saw each other about every 6-8 weeks as well.

It's hard, but doable. I think you should go and he should stay, realizing he can move in like 6 months if it's really unbearable.
posted by anitanita at 5:22 PM on December 14, 2008