How to spread some cheer

December 12, 2008 5:58 AM

How do I help out/cheer up a coworker? He's been going through some turbulent times recently. I'm trying to think of ways that I can discreetly help out in some way without making a big production of the whole thing

He became a father a couple of months ago and is splitting time between his house and his in-laws (where his wife is, for the moment). Obviously, he misses his family a great deal. The biggest issue for him, however, is that his mother was diagnosed with stage-4 cancer - the disease has metastized. He's under a lot of strain as a result; especially since his mother is (understandably) devastated at the news and undergoing painful radiotherapy.

He doesn't have an extensive family structure to help out, as far as I'm aware. He also has to deal with this mostly by himself since he's the eldest male child and his mother is widowed.

A few complications: there are cultural and societal norms in play which may make offering to chip in for something or the other inappropriate because he's one of my direct reports, which complicates things a bit (it shouldn't, in my worldview but there we are). I've obviously asked him if he needs anything.

Ideas? Or should I just back off until he asks for help? Please give me some advice, hivemind.

posted by geminus to human relations (11 comments total)

Offer to have a coffee together. It will give him an opportunity to talk and get some things off his chest that he likely doesn't want to voice to the family side.
posted by hungrysquirrels at 6:19 AM on December 12, 2008

Create situations which don't LOOK like situations, y'know? That way you might be able to get around the cultural issue and his pride. Consider ample usage of The White Lie. For example, say, Hey - I baked some bread/cookies/chicken last night and have way too many leftovers. Would you like some? Or, I'm having a little holiday get together and would love for you to join me for dinner. (Produce ample leftovers.) Or, I'm in the mood for a drink/coffee, would you like to join me? And look at that, I have this cafe gift card, let me take care of your coffee for you. Hey, someone gave me this gift card for Restaurant XYZ and I never go there - could you and your wife use it? Or I bought these clothes for a friend's baby but bought the wrong sizes. Could your child use them? A little dramatic and he might see through that, but...only you can gauge if that would work with his personality.

Basically, give him your time and attention. Show him that even though you don't know HOW to help (and, of course, there's not much that can be done in that kind of situation with cancer, etc.) but that you're simply there.
posted by December at 6:20 AM on December 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

Hey Joe (fictional name to describe your friend), I got these great seats to the game tomorrow. Would you like to come along?

Hey Joe, you wouldn't believe, I got a tee time at that new golf course this weekend. I'm sure you'd like to join me, right?

Hey Joe, my gym is offering free trials for guests. I immediately thought of you.

Hey geminus, I use these examples as ways to create male bonding situations.
posted by netbros at 6:48 AM on December 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ask HR what a manager can do for a direct report. Some discretion may be required if he's your only report. If you can get him time off/working from home/additional help, it will at least take the work stress off, and give him more space to deal with the other issues.
posted by scruss at 6:59 AM on December 12, 2008 [3 favorites]

This is certainly a sticky situation. As a person who see's this guy every work day, I can certainly understand the desire to reach out and help a friend who is dealing with some heavy stuff. From your description it sounds like he doesn't have a male peer/elder in his life that he can do the "manly" stuff with - or some type of male bonding thing.

It is my opinion that your role in this matter should be one of diversion. Since you are his boss and not a close friend I would avoid the heavy stuff unless he directly addresses it with you. I would agree with the above comments about trying to go to a game, or a movie - maybe get some of your friends together and invite him over to just be one of the group and get "lost in the fun" as cheesy as that may sound.

He has serious shit coming from all different directions... his new child, his wife living away, his mother dealing with cancer... provide some fun in his life. If he is not acceping of anything you try and offer him, I would just back off. You don't want to push to hard and risk creating one more point of stress in his life - his boss that wants to help too much.
posted by Brettus at 7:32 AM on December 12, 2008

As a friend, seconding "leftovers." As a boss, talk to HR about what kind of flexibility he could be permitted, as scruss points out.

When my friend-and-work colleague was caring for her husband during his treatment for cancer, we did all chip in and get her gift cards for Trader Joe's. We picked TJ because they have so much really nice frozen food and meal shortcuts like those jarred sauces, so it would seem more like an indulgence and convenience, rather than the embarrassment of "all your coworkers know you can't afford groceries." (A couple of us were indeed aware that money was tight for them, but most were not.) We didn't present it to her or anything, though -- we just organized voluntary donations in our own department privately and gave her the gift card in an envelope with a note.

Her boss (who is my boss also) arranged it, and it wasn't strange or inappropriate-seeming at all. But YMMV in terms of your office culture, his personality, etc.
posted by desuetude at 7:42 AM on December 12, 2008

He may not appreciate coworkers getting involved in his personal life.
posted by wfrgms at 8:44 AM on December 12, 2008

Just listen and be there for when/if he wants to vent. Shared coffee breaks or something may help break the tension, but I wouldn't push.
I'm not sure about the 'creating situations' for him to go out after work - he may appreciate the fun time, but he might also see it as yet another thing to schedule/worry about. So if you do go for a 'guy's night out', even if you planned it just for him, be okay with it if he says no.
posted by sandraregina at 9:22 AM on December 12, 2008

He's going to be distracted and his health and work are going to suffer. Your company will probably come out ahead by throwing him some extra paid vacation time to help him get through this without cracking. Maybe you can make a case to HR.
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:33 PM on December 12, 2008

thanks for the ideas and input, everyone. We already have shared coffee breaks - but it's usually a large bunch of people together and not one on ones. He's not my only direct report.

Vacation time and additional help are already taken care of. I rearranged a few things so he has cover. Don't need to get HR involved for that sort of thing. Working from home - I offered, but he insists (and I see his point) that it depresses him more to be at home alone. We have social outings like lunches and such every once in a while.
posted by geminus at 5:59 PM on December 12, 2008

Oh, good grief. Don't try to be his buddy. You're his friggin' BOSS! Weird role-changing behavior would just make this sad situation worse. Back off, see what you can do AS HIS BOSS, as mentioned above, with HR etc. Be sympathetic if he comes to you, but don't go to him with "fun ideas." Really.
posted by exphysicist345 at 6:00 PM on December 12, 2008