How do I keep my cool in a difficult conversation with my sister?

December 10, 2008 11:16 AM

How do I keep my cool in a difficult conversation with my sister?

My sister and I have, for the last 6 months or so, had trouble with our relationship. All this coincides some big life changes and it's gotten to the point that we're not speaking because when we do, it just gets awful, angry, and accusatory quickly. But the holidays are coming and we've agreed to both be at my mom's place on Christmas Day. I am suggesting that we have a face-to-face meeting in person before that day so that we can discuss what's going on before-hand and not show up at my mom's full of grudges. For the record, she's really mad at me, I'm a little unclear as to why she's mad so I don't feel like respond/apologize/react without hearing her out. But I need to be able to hear her and respond without letting my emotions get the best of me. I want to have a civil, respectful discussion but I'm afraid we'll just do our usual ratcheting and we'll end up screaming at each other (again).

So are there things I can do to prepare in advance. Mantras to repeat silently under my breath? Ways of communicating that are least likely to result in screaming? Please help us not spoil Christmas!

posted by otherwordlyglow to human relations (21 comments total)

Is having a trusted friend act as a mediator out of the question? That can REALLY help in these situations, as long as the person doesn't take sides and facilitates allowing each person to talk, and sometimes clarifies what people are upset about.
posted by barnone at 11:29 AM on December 10, 2008

If you can completely humble yourself, and decide that NO MATTER WHAT, your sister is right, whether she really is or not, then you should be able to sit calmly and listen to everything she has to say. Do not interrupt until she is done. When she is finished, be again willing to humble yourself, apologize, tell her how much you love her, then give her a big hug.

Best of luck to you. Your sister has a wonderful sister.
posted by netbros at 11:34 AM on December 10, 2008

Regarding this: "she's really mad at me, I'm a little unclear as to why she's mad"

I don't know about you, but sometimes I end up feeling embarrassed when I need to admit the reasons why I am angry at someone. Perhaps try to be sensitive to this possible emotion. Try telling her that it is understandable to feel embarrassed but that you need to have a complete understanding of her reasons for being angry.

Oh...and try to promise yourself not to curse at all (if you do that).

Good luck!
posted by Hypnotic Chick at 11:37 AM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

For the record, she's really mad at me, I'm a little unclear as to why she's mad so I don't feel like respond/apologize/react without hearing her out.

I agree that it makes no sense to apologize for something unless you're being sincere. But, you can apologize and accept responsibility for things that you do think were wrong. For example, you might want to say that you never wanted to be in the situation where you're mad at eachother, and you're sorry that you let your emotions get the best of you last time and contributed to a shouting match.

In general, my personal strategy for these kinds of situations is to remain calm, listen, and find common ground. If the other person starts screaming, I don't scream back, I just calmly ask them to stop and if they don't I end the conversation. This takes a lot of self-control, and you need to go into the conversation with a promise to yourself that you won't lose control no matter what. I also avoid the urge to spend the time when I'm not talking planning on how to refute what they have said, and really try to put myself in their shoes and understand their side. And if the person makes a good point or says something I agree with, I make it clear that I agree with them.

And this probably goes without saying, but stay far away from personal attacks or name-calling.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:48 AM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Remove both of yourselves from the confrontation. Have the discussion over email. If she says something that annoys you don't respond until you can do so without getting annoyed. If the conversation isn't real time you can take as long as you need to chill out between messages.
posted by valadil at 11:50 AM on December 10, 2008

Make sure you listen to her without interrupting. Even if something she says upsets you, let her finish talking. Then paraphrase back to her what she just told you, even if you don't agree. Just make sure that you understand her, and that you're both discussing the same fact/situation.etc. It's amazing how letting someone feel heard can diffuse the tension in almost any situation. Once she's said what she needs to say, and you're sure you understood her, then you can respond. If she interrupts you, you can stop her and ask to finish your thoughts.

Go into the meeting as relaxed and forgiving as you can. It's not that you need to make all the concessions in the coversation, but it's helpful if you can come at it from a place of kindness and a desire for reconciliation. Maybe beforehand, think of some ways that you can give her the benefit of the doubt. I don't know anything about your situation, but when I get really mad at other drivers, for example, I try to think of situations that would make me feel silly for being mad, like maybe their dog just had surgery and they're driving her home slowly so they don't hurt her. So make up some elaborate scenarious that allow you to emotionally empathize with your sister, just so you know it's possible. Mabye she had some experience as a kid that you're not aware of, and your current situation is upsetting her because of that. Maybe she has some horrible health problem that she hasn't told you about, and she's stressed out and not acting like herself. Even if your speculations have nothing to do with reality, feeling that emotional connection can allow you to see past this specific bad period you're having.

Good luck. Be kind to your sister and kind to yourself.

on preview, burnmp3s' advice is great
posted by robinpME at 11:50 AM on December 10, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

Heh. I know where you're coming from. A few years ago my (twin) sister and I had a screaming and crying match on Christmas. After that, we settled out differences and have managed to interact mostly amicably ever since.

I felt that my sister was bossy and domineering towards me and my family. It got on my nerves, but she said she didn't think that she was that way towards me.

She thought that I was snide and sneering, basically a jerk. I never thought I behaved that way at all.

Sometimes in family relationships we become so enmeshed that very tiny things can be interpreted in entirely the wrong way.

Unfortunately, it took a total meltdown, in front of everyone else, for us to smarten up. Hopefully that won't be the case with you.

You do have control over the rules of engagement. You can establish rules of behavior for yourself (no name-calling, no yelling at your sister), and you can demand (without raising your voice) that your sister behave the same way.

The trick is using "I" statements, and avoiding at all cost "you" statements.

a. "I am really sorry you felt that way. Is there anything I can do going forward?"

b. "I really value our relationship, and I want develop a more positive relationship starting right now."


Of course, you have to stand your ground. You can't give in to unreasonable demands, or rehash the past (if rehashing the past seems to be the point of the conversation, bring up statement a)


If you are unhappy with the conversation (name-calling, yelling, verbal abuse), state your ground rules for continuing the conversation:

c. "I am uncomfortable with the way you are speaking to me right now. We need to be able to discuss the situation without yelling, and I don't like being called names."

d. "Maybe we should cool off and talk later."


If more yelling and abuse ensues, use "d" until the conversation ends.


Your sister will probably be unused to this strategy, and it will probably make her angry. However, she has nothing to be angry about if you agree to resume the conversation later when she has cooled down (it's up to her to resume the conversation), and if you agree to listen.


And you don't have to use these tactics in private - they will serve you throughout your time together with the family. Just try to monitor your behaviour and see if you are doing anything that might annoy her. Keep the interaction to a minimum.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:09 PM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Mantras to repeat silently under my breath?

Maybe you could try to focus on a mental image that will remind you that you're talking to your sister to figure out what she views as the problem--you're not there to correct anything she might be perceiving incorrectly (although she might be attributing certain motivations to your actions that weren't there on your side), you're not there to debate her about what her actions or your actions "meant," and you're definitely not there to defend yourself.

You can't start doing any of that other stuff until you really, truly understand what she's angry about, and on her side, she probably isn't interested in even having that conversation with you until she thinks that you really understand why she's upset. If you've tried to talk about this before and quickly ended up at "awful, angry, and accusatory" -- and you *still* don't know exactly why she's mad -- then I think you really need to concentrate on getting out of your own way for long enough to understand.

So, put on your anthropologist / scientist hat and consciously go out on a fact-finding mission. If you were interviewing someone from another culture about why they thought cars had souls (just to pick a ridiculous example), you wouldn't start arguing with them, right? Even though it's a ridiculous assertion that is just flat-out wrong? Same idea here. The goal is understanding her POV, not changing her mind or correcting her. Go ahead, picture yourself in a little Indiana Jones hat. When you start to feel misunderstood or attacked or get the urge to speak up, just pull that vision of yourself up in your mind's eye and remind yourself that you're just there to figure out her view. You're an anthropologist, not a missionary.

In my experience, screaming matches happen when one person "just wants to figure out why you're so mad" then contradicts or fights every single thing that the other person says. It's really counter-productive, because oftentimes just getting whatever is making you mad off your chest--and having someone else just listen, saying nothing other than "Uh-huh" or maybe "Yeah, I can see why that'd make you mad"--takes all the steam out of angry people. What tends to make people even angrier is when they feel they're not being heard. I'm getting the impression from your question that for whatever reason, the part of conversation where you really *hear* your sister is getting lost in the fighty-ness, which 99% of the time happens when people start trying to correct someone else about their own perceptions. That's the dynamic you need to work on short-circuiting.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:11 PM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'm a full believer of rephrasing and echoing back what the person is saying. Don't echo back word for word, rather say in your own words what you think they mean. Before you address whether what they are saying is fair or accurate or anything, you say "Okay, what I'm hearing you say is ___________________" and you tell them exactly what you think they are saying. This is an amazing technique for the following reasons:

1. Often they will clarify or reexplain what they are feeling/saying which will help you understand where they are coming from.
2. They really feel like you are listening, and listening carefully, which generally keeps emotions down.
3. sometimes by echoing back what they are saying they will realize that it is silly or unfair or what have you, which eliminates the need for the argument.
4. It helps to keep the conversation on track, rather than off on unrelated or old issues
5. Just in the process of echoing and clarification you will often find that it all came about from a miscommunication and misunderstanding.
posted by gwenlister at 12:22 PM on December 10, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

But I need to be able to hear her and respond without letting my emotions get the best of me.

In the long term, you may have every right to explain your side, clarify things, and hash things out in more detail. But in the short term, for the sake of the holidays, one idea that might work is focus solely on her feelings, instead of your own. This is very difficult, and it can be tricky to accomplish without sounding insincere, so only do it if you can be sincere.

It involves the "listen, reflect, empathize" method of active listening. As she explains her feelings, fight every impulse to be defensive or clarify or correct her. Don't worry if all the facts are right. Listen to her feelings. And follow the "listen, reflect, empathize" game plan.

Step one: Listen. Really listen. Focus on not just hearing the words, but the feelings, which are often more important. Don't interrupt. Don't give off negative body language, like eye-rolling, huffing, smirking, etc. After she has explained her part, then...

Step two: Reflect. Feed back to her what you heard, until she thinks you have it right. "It sounds like you are really angry and frustrated because it seems like I spoke harshly to you on the phone (or whatever). Is that right? Keep clarifying and reflecting her feelings until she says you have it basically close. It will never be perfect. Then...

Step three: Empathize. "I can totally understand your feeling the way you do. If I were in your shoes, then I would be pissed off too." (Note: even if you think her feelings are ridiculous and without merit, this is not a lie. Because you would feel that way if you were in her shoes, with her background, her understanding - or misunderstanding - of things, and her weaknesses. You don't have to offer apologies if you really did nothing wrong. But you may be able to say "I'm really sorry all of this has caused any rift between us. I'm committed to working it out. For now, maybe we can put it behind us while we visit the family, and I'll seriously contemplate what you said and maybe we can talk again later."

Often, the very act of this type of listening will in itself resolve the problem. You have broken the viscious cycle, you are not reacting according to the expected "script" and you are expressing genuine love and understanding of the other party. Many times, that's all the person is looking for. It seems impossible, but I have experienced it firsthand. In any case, if you can do this with genuine motives, it can be a huge first step toward healing. If you are directly challenged about specific facts, you may need to gently sidestep, and just affirm your commitment to figuring it all out and working on it.

It's extremely difficult to remain silent when someone seems to be attacking you, or misremembering facts, or accusing you of things you did not do. But the ability to do so is vital to the healing process as a whole. If your sister feels she has been thoroughly heard, understood, and empathized with, she will be much more likley to offer you the same opportunity. Just remind yourself that there will be plenty of time to "tell your side." There's no rush. It could be next week or next year, but the time will come.

Good luck.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 12:26 PM on December 10, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

I'm a big fan of having the first few contacts like this be written. She gets to write it all out, when she's calmer edit it so that it's worded right; you get to read it, react immediately, then think about it before you respond to her -- first reactions are very rarely similar to the considered reactions we'd prefer to have.

Email has an immediacy that isn't ideal for the situation, but if you want to start it off with a calm, considered email about how you'd like to talk and here's your stance, etc, you might have a chance to ensure it works out well.
posted by jeather at 12:39 PM on December 10, 2008

Mantras to repeat silently under my breath?

- I love my sister and my mother and it's more important to have some harmony with them than to be right
- My sister may be irrational and even wrong but if I want to solve the problem I may have to deal with those issues myself and not hash them out between her and I.
- Holidays are hard for everyone and the best gift I can give to my family is my appearance and gracious and kind behavior no matter what
- the person who screams or responds to screaming with screaming has lost the argument
- no drama. Am I starting/continu9ing drama? I do not want to be adding drama to this at all.

or, in extreme cases

- everyone in my family is insane and all I need to do is get through this without getting caught up in their madness.

Personally I don't like email for these sorts of things because people can get caught up in the minutiae of "well when you said THIS [quote quote] I thought you meant THAT...." and you don't find the common ground that helps you handle these problems. Figure out if you can be sorry your sister feels bad without necessarily feeling that you did anything wrong [or if you did something wrong, if sorry and moving on will actually make it better for the two of you] because often people just want respect and understanding of their issues even if nothing is specifically going to change. So think about listening, responding sincerely, acknowledgfing and moving on. I wish you the best.
posted by jessamyn at 1:00 PM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

In order to prepare, take care of yourself as much as possible. Eat right. Exercise. Sleep well. Get a massage. A pedicure. Read a book. Whatever makes you happy and calm. If you go into this situation feeling relaxed, it will positively influence the tone of your conversation.

If she starts yelling and screaming, imagine your sister as a three-year-old throwing a tantrum because you got the toy she wanted and it's SO UNFAIR! Now imagine yourself as the adult comforting that three-year-old. It doesn't matter if she's wrong or right. You wouldn't scream back at her, would you?
posted by desjardins at 1:28 PM on December 10, 2008

"Personally I don't like email for these sorts of things because people can get caught up in the minutiae of "well when you said THIS [quote quote] I thought you meant THAT...." and you don't find the common ground that helps you handle these problems."

I just want to repeat this, because my experience is this is very likely to degenerate into a mutual fisking exchange that actually makes things worse.

It may help to tell yourself that you don't win by forcing agreements or admissions from your sister; you win when the family peace is restored.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:37 PM on December 10, 2008

I'm not suggesting the entire thing be carried out via the written word; that tends not to work. However, imagining I were one of the two parties, the initial "here's why I'm upset with you" story would need to be given in writing for the reconciliation to have any chance whatsoever. I do not choose my words well in those situations, and I respond in the heat of the moment instead of deciding what I really want to happen in the long term. I know this about myself, and it's not at all difficult to deal with (the internet has been a boon for me, overall, for this kind of thing, but I've been using this strategy for over 20 years, so I now manage to avoid many of the pitfalls).

Under no circumstances should this be a long email conversation where you quote each other; I'm wary of email for that reason. And if you don't think both of you can avoid that temptation, then I'd stay away from emails. Letters are good, especially if you're in the same city so can drop it in a mailbox. But it's a preface to an actual meeting, so you get the immediate responses over and done with, which can avoid some of the needing to save face. Also, you can know what she feels and what you are and are not willing to concede for a happy holiday.

Remember the conversation, when you have it, is not a battle to win or lose, or a game you are scoring points off each other in. Winning is getting the result you want, not making your sister feel crappy because she makes you feel crappy.
posted by jeather at 2:03 PM on December 10, 2008

I took a good seminar once called "Non Violent Communication" given by Marshall Rosenberg. (He has a website, although I found the seminar more accessible).

One thing that stuck with me: All criticism is a symptom of an unmet need. When someone criticizes you, they have an unmet need. Understanding that need is the first step to defusing difficult relationships.

Normally when we hear criticism, our first reaction is to get defensive or to hit back. Ten minutes of shouting and screaming later and it's no surprise things are worse. What Rosenberg says is that when you hear criticism you are hearing the emotional needs of that person (especially if they are close to you).

When a parent criticizes a child for not doing their homework, the parent's emotional need is the need to be free of fear of the child's failing at school.

Once you can understand it, then you can problem solve. What actions can you take that will help salve that emotional need?

This approach starts with compassion (you care for the wellbeing of the other person), requires listening (you respect their words and meanings), then moves to problem solving (how can we address both of our unmet needs?)
posted by storybored at 2:58 PM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Ways of communicating that are least likely to result in screaming?

Heh, well I have this down, I suppose. When I get in disagreements with my mom I put on a very level voice and try to be excruciatingly logical. She's called me out on talking like that before; I guess it sounds insincere or something.

So for better or worse, here's my communication strategy which doesn't result in screaming:

Enter the discussion with the mindset that your sister's argument is at least valid, if not sound. An argument is valid if the conclusion follows from the premises. An argument is sound if those premises are themselves true. So the statement, "Since I can run 1000 mph and New York is a 1000 miles from here, I can run to New York in an hour." is valid. However, since it's not true that I can run 1000 mph, it's not sound.

I would say, then, that truly understanding your sister means that you do the following: Ask her what's wrong. Any time she states something that you disagree with, assume that she arrived at that conclusion validly, and work with her to establish the premises that her conclusion is based on. Don't try to argue her premises. Just find out what they are so you understand where she's coming from. Later, if you want, you can try changing her mind about a premise by offering evidence. But believe me, you'll want to do that later, so you can think about it and make sure you can get compelling evidence. It may turn out her premises are correct, in which case her conclusion is, you know?

That was pretty abstract, I admit. Here's an example scenario of how it could play out.

You: "So, tell me. What's wrong?"

Her: "YOU HATE MY BOYFRIEND!!"

Don't respond with, "NO I DON'T!" Instead, find out the premises she's basing this conclusion on.

You: "Why do you think that?"

Her: "Well, whenever he tries to talk to you on the phone, you hang up on him."

Don't respond with, "NO I DON'T!". You've been given a premise: (1) You hang up on her boyfriend. This isn't enough to get to the conclusion (C) You hate her boyfriend. You have a little more work to do.

You: "I see. And so, to make sure I understand you, you're saying if I hang up on someone, then I hate them?"

Her: "Well, no. But it's RUDE!"

At this point you're zeroing in on a valid argument, but not there yet. The two premises you've been given (1) You hang up on her boyfriend and (2) Hanging up on someone is rude are not sufficient to get to the conclusion (C) You hate her boyfriend. You can try to find premises which get you there (e.g. "I see. I agree that it's rude to hang up on someone. But it's important to me to understand why you think I hate your boyfriend. Why do you think that?") However, it's likely that she overstated her problem at the beginning. So you can offer something like

You: "I agree. Hanging up on someone is rude. To be perfectly clear on this, is it fair to say then that the problem is I'm rude to your boyfriend, and not that I hate him?"

Her: "Yeah, I guess."

Success! You've now established a valid argument. (1) You hang up on her boyfriend. (2) Hanging up on someone is rude. Therefore (C) You are rude to her boyfriend. Now it's easy to see where she's coming from, and I think that right there is enough to help resolve your difficulty. Later, if you want, you can think about these premises, come up with evidence, and then argue them, but don't do that now. Just seek to understand and nothing more.
posted by losvedir at 3:09 PM on December 10, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

"Mantras to repeat under my breath..."

Any kind of internal chanting will interfere with your ability to really listen to your sister and be present for the conversation.

Once when I was doing some expert witness testimony I was advised to get through the opposing lawyer's abusive rants by alternatively gripping the soles of my shoes with my toes and then relaxing them... while paying attention so I could respond to the substance. This works! It helps you feel grounded and reminds you that you are still you, a good person, despite any venom being directed your way. Now, when the going gets rough during any difficult conversation, I do it.
posted by carmicha at 3:09 PM on December 10, 2008

Wierdly, I suggest you to take anthistimines. Benadryl in particular. This will lessen the immediacy and urgency of your reaction so that your "hot buttons" don't get triggered. Then follow all the excellent listening and empathizing advice given.
posted by ohshenandoah at 3:12 PM on December 10, 2008

Thanks for all the good advice. A mediator is fine with me, but I'm leaving that, as well as the time and place of the meeting with my sister up to her, so we'll see if she thinks it's a good idea. Email is definitely out as we've tried that and it definitely does not work.

I do think I need to be able to listen better and not immediately always try to defend myself (she's masterful on offense), even when I'm sure that she's wrong. I have some glimpses of what she's mad at and some of them I can certainly apologize for but I know there is at least one thing that she thinks I did wrong and I think I didn't so I'm not really able to apologize for that act but I am willing to hear her side and be understanding of the reasons why she is hurt. I just want to not let myself get all wound up when we talk.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 5:06 PM on December 10, 2008

as everyone else has more or less said, just try to concentrate on understanding how she feels.

that's all she wants, anyway, but if you do it, you are her partner, not her adversary.

don't even think about your position... just investigate hers. at the end of the day, you'll have taught her a lesson, as well as learned one of your own.

good luck and good for you for asking how to be a better sister.
posted by FauxScot at 6:28 PM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]