Do phone calls come before or after the first date

December 9, 2008 7:52 PM

Do you talk on the phone before you go on first dates with people you meet online?

So, I'm brand new in the online dating world. After putting up a profile on one of the major dating sites a few days ago I've managed to get myself into some rather long winded email conversations with several different people that I'm (potentially) interested in meeting.

So my question is, what's the next step? Do I ask them out on a date now, or is it normal to have a phone call (or multiple phone calls) first? What I'm really trying to understand is just what a typical chronology of communications looks like from the first contact all the way through meeting in person after meeting someone online.

You see, my inclination is that talking on the phone would be kind of awkward at this stage. But from reading through the previous online dating threads I see lots of references to pre-first-date phone calls, but no one addressing this topic specifically. So I'm not sure what the etiquette is here.

posted by dyslexictraveler to human relations (30 comments total)

I may be a little biased because I hate talking on the phone, but I don't find it necessary and everyone I've ever met from off the internet hasn't found it necessary either.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 8:07 PM on December 9, 2008

Making phone calls before meeting face to face that is.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 8:07 PM on December 9, 2008

I know nothing about etiquette, but I do know how I personally felt when I was in the online dating world.
It was vital and essential I spoke to the guy before I met him in person. I had to hear his voice, see how our conversation was (good flow, dead air time, his language, etc..), and just try to match his phone personality to email personality. How he is on the phone was a good indication to me in how he would be in person.
I'm sure sometimes it was just nerves so I didn't get an accurate picture of who he is "offline", but if we stalled in conversation or he just didn't seem the same guy I had emailed.. I would end communication then.

That being said. I met my husband online. He spoke little English and our phone conversations were about 10 minutes each time he called. But the emails were great. Face to face was even better. 10 years later.. I'm quite happy I looked beyond those few bad phone calls.
posted by czechmate at 8:10 PM on December 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I do not speak on the phone to people I've met online prior to meeting face to face.
posted by tristeza at 8:19 PM on December 9, 2008

I don't speak to people I know in real life on the phone, so why would I speak to people from the internet on the phone either? (:

But seriously, I have met quite a few people from the internet, and the vast majority of the time, if we spoke at all on the phone in advance, it would be something to the effect of, "OK, I'm here, where are you, oh, yeah I see you, bye."

However, for me, whenever I was talking with a potential "suitor," we would always exchange phone numbers and text message each other before meeting -- something about conversing with them while in my normal environment (not being stuck in front of a computer screen) the same way I would chat with my friends made it more comfortable and less unusual. If you're not into text messaging, this may not be relevant to you.
posted by srrh at 8:29 PM on December 9, 2008

No. I don't talk on the phone though.
posted by unknowncommand at 8:30 PM on December 9, 2008

Most of the time I have spoken to the person I've met over the phone before the first meeting - but that happens when it's at that stage where we are going to meet, we just haven't yet. I have had guys want my number within the first 5 minutes of online conversation and get offended when I don't give it right out. THAT I am uncomfortable with.
posted by SisterHavana at 8:34 PM on December 9, 2008

Ask. "Would you like to meet up some time soon, or would you prefer to take the intermediate step of some phone conversation?"

When I was in the online dating scene years ago, most women wanted to talk to me a few times first. My now-wife figured out how to ICQ me, logged on and said, "ok, so where you wanna meet?" and that was that.
posted by notsnot at 8:55 PM on December 9, 2008

Honestly, people are going to say "do it" or "don't do it," but I think the only way to know is to try both ways. Also, when I used to do online dating, it just depended on the person and our email chains. Sometimes it seemed like a phone call was in order, sometimes setting up a date via email was. Try to talk to someone first; if it goes horribly, don't do it the next time. Or, do, if it seems right.
posted by ORthey at 9:16 PM on December 9, 2008

I have had guys want my number within the first 5 minutes of online conversation and get offended when I don't give it right out. THAT I am uncomfortable with.

Seconding this. If I've effectively just met you, I am not going to give out my phone number right away -- I'd like to feel you out a LITTLE first. (I learned this the hard way, after I ran into a guy in a bar and we were having a pleasant conversation, and I gave him my number when asked -- and we continued talking, and at some point he suddenly started talking at great length about how he had SACRIFICED A GOAT once, and I just feigned polite interest while inwardly panicking and thinking "AND THIS GUY HAS MY PHONE NUMBER NOW OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I JUST DONE". He never used my number, but still...)

Personally, I do prefer at least a brief phone chat before we set up a date, but this is a your-mileage-may-vary thing. It's a second step when it comes to feeling each other out, seeing whether there's a "there" there or whether you'd just end up awkwardly talking about the weather for a couple hours and each of you wishing the night would hurry up and end.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:27 PM on December 9, 2008

I've done the online dating thing on and off for a bit. I'm not a phone person AT ALL (looking at my call logs, I've had one personal call in the past 4 days, but a bajillion texts). I've always happened to have a phone conversation before meeting in person anyone I've met online. Sometimes it's a super brief confirmation ("hey, just making sure still on tonight at 8, see you then"), sometimes it's sorta planned in that "ok, this is the next step 'up' from email," way. But yeah, it has always happened that I've talked to people before I've met them for a date/coffee/whatever.

Honestly though? If it weren't to happen before we met at [wherever], I probably wouldn't notice.
posted by AlisonM at 9:45 PM on December 9, 2008

I'm in the "talk first" camp. I need to make sure the guy doesn't sound like Erkel or something before we go out and if he can handle a 15 minute or so phone conversation, I'm usually pretty confident that we'll have a nice chat on the date.

I have actually decided not to go out with men based on awkward phone conversations (generally more than one though. I'll allow for some nervousness the first couple of times but if there's too much dead air after that, it usually spells disaster.) This could of course explain why I'm still single.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 9:45 PM on December 9, 2008

If phone calls seem awkward to you, offer to IM instead. Conversation on the fly is a good gauge of your ability to relate to each other.

I've had great conversations with people on the phone that I had no chemistry with in person and vice versa (where you are practically drunk off being in the person's presence, but have nothing to say on the phone).

People thrive personality-wise in different media... but to a lot of people, a weird-sounding voice can be a deal breaker.

(Note: Weird is a subjective characteristic based on the individual, much like attractiveness or sense of humor.)

From a time management/priority standpoint, conversations that help you figure out you don't want to meet someone after a few charming emails helps cut down on what I call "blind date exhaustion."

YMMV.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:48 PM on December 9, 2008

Back when I was internet dating, I always got their phone numbers and asked them out via phone if things seemed to be going well online. I guess it's just what you're more comfortable with. But I have a sneaking suspicion that it's more "proper" to speak with them over the phone, whatever that means.

Also, I am actually quite surprised at all the people here saying that a phone call isn't necessary. Maybe I'm just "old fashioned."
posted by kpmcguire at 10:19 PM on December 9, 2008

Phone is good, you can pick up more creepy vibes (if present) than you could by email/IM alone, and screen out more people before you waste time meeting them and getting creeped out in personl
posted by Jacqueline at 3:39 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have never talked to a guy on the phone before going on a date -- I think part of my thought process is that, though it seems silly, by the time I get to the phone stage, I actually feel uncomfortable telling someone that I don't want to go out with them, so I might as well go straight to the date. My preferred method is 2-3 emails followed by a short date. (Of course, I'm still single, so.)
posted by cider at 5:14 AM on December 10, 2008

Phone is good, but keep it short. Email the ladies with something like:

"It's been fun getting to know you via email. Can I give you a call and set up a date for us to meet in person?"

This way, you get to hear each other's voices, but it's a phone call with a purpose and can be a quick one. Otherwise, it often feels like a phone interview, which can be awkward. I would also keep the email exchanges to 2-3 at the most before meeting, otherwise you end up wasting a lot of time with people who may never want to actually meet you in person, or who you might not like once you meet in person. If you're the guy, she's waiting for you to ask her to meet her and may be sick of the long-winded emails too.

Good luck!

(I'm another internet dating success story--met my husband of almost 2 years online. First came love, then came marriage, then came baby in a baby carriage.)
posted by tk at 6:35 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have a very firm rule on this.

After the initial email exchange I offer my mobile phone number and ask for their number and a good time to call. (Dependent upon who I'm chatting to this is sometimes accompanied by a joke such as "this will allow me to figure out whether you're a psycho" or by something more warm-hearted such as "it'll be fun for us to hear each other laughing".)

There are several reasons to get straight onto the phone.

The first is that it's far less easy for someone to fake a personality over the phone. The immediacy of phone communications is better than email or chat for getting a sense of who someone really is. Plus there are far fewer opportunities for ambiguity or crossed wires - you don't need emoticons on the phone.

Secondly, if someone is serious about getting to know you, they'll give you their phone number. If they're not serious, you're probably wasting your time.

Thirdly, once you have their mobile number, you can text them. And texting offers a lot of opportunities for great flirtation.

Personally I doubt the sanity of those who are willing to arrange a date with someone before they have even heard the other person's voice. There's not a great deal more risk in giving someone your number than there is in giving someone your IM or email address. Yet it's so much more personal and revealing to have a phone conversation.
posted by skylar at 6:39 AM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I had a roommate who really clicked with a guy from a dating site well before they actually met in person. They quickly built a nice phone rapport - there were calls nearly every day, and she was all excited and happy. But it was around the holidays and they didn't have a chance to meet for perhaps three weeks. Their first date was a (intentionally long) movie at his house.

She was back home in 30 minutes.
posted by averyoldworld at 7:17 AM on December 10, 2008

I prefer to not talk on the phone, but that's because I absolutely hate talking on the phone - even with good friends I am awkward and anxious and I end up pacing back and forth in my room not knowing what to do with myself. So, that wouldn't be a good 'first impression' and I wouldn't want them to think I'm awkward!

But I know several people (both guys and girls) love to have have hour-long conversations before they meet, and already know they're definitely going to like the person before meeting them - which I guess is a big plus. I'm sure it's nice knowing what the person looks like AND knowing that you'll get along great.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 7:26 AM on December 10, 2008

I prefer not to talk to people on the phone, so I don't ask for a phone call, but do ensure that all first meetings take place in very public places.

Other women who are more concerned about their safety than I am (and probably wisely so) will insist on phone calls before public meetings.

Sometimes I'll email someone dozens of times and trade IMs with them, all before we meet in person. Sometimes I'll email them twice, say 'hey, wanna grab coffee' and then we meet up.

It's all kind of a crapshoot, and while you never want to be forcing the issue in any one direction, whatever the people involved are comfortable with is fine.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:39 AM on December 10, 2008

Yeah, I did - need to hear their voice and conversation before I know whether I want to meet them. However, don't talk a bunch of times - just enough to decide on whether to meet and when. Meet people very soon - don't waste your time falling in love in your imagination over phone/email only to find that in RL there's no chemistry. But the phone conversation is an important step in the graduated-degrees-of-intimacy thing which is online dating - at least for me.
posted by Miko at 8:08 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm surprised at the number of people who don't want to talk on the phone. I always made a phone call a requirement before I'd go out with someone. It seemed like a better gauge of trustworthiness than email because they didn't have a chance to mull over and edit what they said.

I met my husband online, and after a few emails he sent me HIS phone number and told me when he'd be available. This made me feel much more secure than if he'd asked for my number. I called him and I could tell right away that he was genuine. We talked for two weeks before finally meeting (it took that long to meet only because we were 100 miles apart and work was interfering).

I'm going to assume you're hetero here: I've heard of guys getting tricked by other men pretending to be women, so a phone call seems like a good way to weed those out (at least the ones who are bad at acting). I would not date anyone who refused to talk to me on the phone, even for a few minutes.
posted by desjardins at 8:33 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Good advice here. I do basically exactly what sklar describes.
1. A couple emails of some length
2. Offer up your phone number, say "can I call you and set up a time for us to hang out?"
3. Short conversation. Don't be rude but just say some funny shit and then set up time and place and say cool it'll be nice to meet you, peace out.
4. Wear orange to the date. Ladies love orange.

I think part of the reason I always steer things towards connecting on the phone first is, even though I HATE talking on the phone, it's probably best not to broadcast my various insecurities by avoiding that step. I doubt anyone is ever like "Ew he wants to speak to my ear through a telephone he must be a weirdo!" even if they didn't require it.

I usually wait til the second date to fill women in on my psychological grotesqueness and love of Goat Sacrifice.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:57 AM on December 10, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Okay, so the general consensus seems to be that some people do it and some people don't, but also that some people clearly feel more comfortable with a phone call first, which makes sense to me.

I guess my confusion on this topic stems from the fact that to me, general chatty phone calls seem more intimate then meeting for coffee would be. To be clear, I am a "phone person", but the only people I talk on the phone with for non-logistics reasons are my close friends and family. Given that, I think I really like tk's suggestion that you use the phone call to setup the logistics of the date, as that seems much less likely to be awkward then just "we should talk on the phone first", but still gives you some of the other ancillary benefits (e.g., one more confirmation that the person is who they say they are, and more of a sense of their personality, etc).

Thanks everybody for your advice!

P.s.: I'm a mid-twenties straight guy to answer someone else's comment.
posted by dyslexictraveler at 9:00 AM on December 10, 2008

I've done a little internet dating, and I always knew right away I wouldn't be compatible with a person if he wanted to talk on the phone first. So in that way, it's a good way to see if you're compatible with someone. As there are coffee people and tea people and cat people and dog people, there are people who are okay with the phone and people who loathe the phone and don't see the point.

And yes, I know it's possible for a phone person and a non-phone-person to be compatible in other ways. My current boyfriend is certainly very much a phone person and I am the opposite of a phone person, and we manage. But we didn't meet online and I think if we would have met that way, or in a similar way with a lack of context, we would never have gotten together. Online dating puts all sorts of weird compatibility issues at the forefront, because there is not really much else to go on when you meet someone with no context.
posted by millipede at 11:56 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I've been on a bunch of internet dates and the I've only done phone calls first twice that I can think of, both times cuz the lady felt more comfortable talking on the phone before we met.
posted by serazin at 7:45 PM on December 10, 2008

Back in my online dating days, I spoke to a couple/few people on the phone before meeting them face to face. Only one got through that stage to the "meet in person" round, and we are still together almost 4 years later. We talked for hours and hours on the phone for a couple weeks before we met.
posted by getawaysticks at 8:30 AM on December 11, 2008

I don't like to get too invested before meeting, since disappointment is pretty likely, and it must be so much rougher if you've been e-mailing for months and convinced you've found your soulmate. But I live in New York, so the dating pool is huge and convenient, and for me it's not too difficult to find half an hour to spare for coffee.

I usually message back and forth a handful of times, and maybe IM for an evening or two. I was interested in the first place based on the qualities their profile shows; by messaging/IMing, I just want to be reassured that they're not psycho, so we can get to the stage of meeting up for coffee and seeing whether we get along in person.

So no, I don't usually talk on the phone first. I will if the other person really wants, but I don't think it's necessary, and in general I think it would hurt your chances, since it's harder to have a good conversation with a stranger over the phone (since you can't see expressions, body language, interesting things to comment on, whatever).
posted by booksandlibretti at 11:29 AM on December 11, 2008

Sitting here 10 months later with bit more online dating experience, I can answer my own question! After posting this question I experimented with a it a bit, but 6 to 8 dates later I have definitely settled into a pattern of not talking phone prior to meeting someone. Basically, my communications pattern for meeting someone online is 3 to 5 interesting email exchanges, and then I ask them to meet me for coffee. I do usually give out my phone number prior to meeting, but it's usually just in a "call or text me if something comes up" sort of way.

Per some of the of the comments above, I suspect that some of the diversity in responses derives from diversity in age and location--as a mid-twenties guy living in Boston meeting a random stranger off the Internet for coffee feels very normal, safe and non-committal. I suspect that I might feel differently if I had to drive to the date location (does not really make sense, but for some reason driving some place feels like more of a commitment than taking the subway) or if I was less comfortable and trusting of things online in general--i.e., if I were older.

Anyway, thanks for everybody's advice!
posted by dyslexictraveler at 4:18 PM on October 18