Fast Food (Parody) Nation

December 9, 2008 6:32 PM

A friend is writing a play and needs profane and puerile nicknames for fast-food franchises for dialog between two wage-slave burnouts about past jobs.

We've brainstormed "charmers" like Papa Murphy's Wake and Bake, Jack Off In The Food, Pizza Slut, Raunch Table Pizza and Jack Off In Her Box; can you up the juvenilia? Bonus points for West Coast franchises.

posted by porn in the woods to food & drink (36 comments total)

Toxic Hell, Bendy Wendy's, Licky D's, Booger King...
posted by mrbarrett.com at 6:35 PM on December 9, 2008

McDonHoe's, Taco Smell, KFPee in the food, Booger King, Pizza Smut.
posted by BrnP84 at 6:37 PM on December 9, 2008

In-N-Out-N-In-N-Out-N-In-N-Out-N-In-N-Out Burger?
posted by SansPoint at 6:38 PM on December 9, 2008 [4 favorites]

Dick in the Box, obviously (Jack in the Box)
Long Dong Silver's (Long John Silver's)
Raunch 1 (Ranch 1)
Boy Rodgers (Roy Rogers)
Long Wang (generic Chinese place)
Slutway (Subway)
Jizznose (Quiznos)
Skimpee (Blimpee)
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:48 PM on December 9, 2008

(oops, should have been Boy Rodgered)
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:49 PM on December 9, 2008

Jack in the Crack
posted by aloneinvietnam at 6:49 PM on December 9, 2008

Hojangles' Famous Chicken n' Biscuits
Chick-feel-A
Wet Spot
Five Guys Crapped in Your Fries (Five Guys Burgers & Fries)
Fuckrudders
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:54 PM on December 9, 2008

Gay-F-K (KFC)
Del Pink Taco
Pink Taco Bell
El Puto Loco (El Pollo Loco)
posted by Frank Grimes at 7:00 PM on December 9, 2008

The Mexican Phone Company (Taco Bell)
posted by nicwolff at 7:06 PM on December 9, 2008

NO... it's Booger Fling.
posted by kimdog at 7:09 PM on December 9, 2008

Eat White Castle, get black asshole.
posted by notsnot at 7:09 PM on December 9, 2008

Blight Castle
posted by andythebean at 7:09 PM on December 9, 2008

Taco Hell, Taco Smell
Jerk in the Box
Kentucky Fucking Chicken
Wendisgusting
posted by jamaro at 7:09 PM on December 9, 2008

"Vile fucking greasetrap" should cover all your bases. No charge, dude.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:20 PM on December 9, 2008

Dunno if it fits, but Kum and Go is a genuine chain of gas stations out West. I had a friend who would refer to them not as "Kum and Go"s but as "Ejaculate and Evacuate"s. TungstenChef concurs, as does keef.
posted by barnacles at 7:44 PM on December 9, 2008

We always called it Taco Barf in college.
posted by johnvaljohn at 7:56 PM on December 9, 2008

My wife says the early name for Jack-In-The-Box was Gag-In-A-Bag.
posted by tcv at 8:04 PM on December 9, 2008

Burger Thing - home of the Slopper
Mc Dogfood - home of the Big Mess
JFKFC
Wipe Asshole (you'll need to scrape it after a few 'slimers")
Slugway
It's Not Pizza Hut or Piece of Hat
Oh No's (Unos)
Charby's
FiveBucks or CharBucks (that ubiquitous over-roasted coffee place. the coffee is good... if you need to poop.)
Hardons
Little Feces (pizza pizza!)
Ancient Creatures Feces and Shits
Foo Kam chinese food (real name!) Yueng Ho's Chinese food (real name!)
Caca Smell
Floaties (blimpies)
Donginoes
Donkey Don'ts
Mr NoNuts
Crappy Kreme

should be a start
posted by KenManiac at 8:07 PM on December 9, 2008

Booger King
WackDonalds
Taco Hell
RuddFuckers
Hell Taco (del taco)
Acne Burger
posted by schyler523 at 8:18 PM on December 9, 2008

Dick's
posted by piratebowling at 8:22 PM on December 9, 2008

Frat boy types cut the B and R off their In'n'Out bumper stickers.
posted by brujita at 8:23 PM on December 9, 2008

"Pizza Slut" is what my friend called Pizza Hut when he worked there.
posted by hellojed at 8:32 PM on December 9, 2008

Buttfuckers (Fuddruckers)
Fartburger (Fatburger)
posted by SisterHavana at 8:39 PM on December 9, 2008

Jackboot-in-the-Face
Boy George's (Roy Rogers)
Burger Pope
Madonna's
IndigNation's
posted by doubtfulpalace at 8:48 PM on December 9, 2008

Jack in the Box -> Jizzle in the Bizzle.
posted by invitapriore at 9:38 PM on December 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Pizza Hut = Slut Hut
Hardees = Hardleys (cuz it's hardley food! weren't we all so funny in high school.)
posted by DiscourseMarker at 10:02 PM on December 9, 2008

When we were in high school everyone thought they were clever for calling it "Taco Hell."

So my friend and I started calling it "Taco Fuck." Kind of abstract, but it made us laugh.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:04 PM on December 9, 2008

(Obvious but not mentioned yet) Starfucks?
posted by Violet Hour at 10:25 PM on December 9, 2008

Poopeye's
Pop-your-eyes
Lurch Chicken (Church's Chicken)
Dumpin' Donuts
Burger Servant (Burger King)
DAR-by's (like "DAR DAR DAR I'M STUPID")
My brother went to this one Western food place called BJ's. Go figure.
Krispy Kreme Klan
Little Nero ("pizza pizza! burn burn!")
Starschmucks (from Foamy the Squirrel)
Tar's Coffee and Tea (Peet's Coffee. Think "peat")
posted by curagea at 10:29 PM on December 9, 2008

Toxic Hell = Taco Bell, back in the day
posted by np312 at 10:51 PM on December 9, 2008

Bugger King
Filthy Ron's (McDs)
Mickey Sleaze,
Dickey Cheese
McSchlongalds
Waco Bell
posted by BAKERSFIELD! at 12:13 AM on December 10, 2008

Burger Thing
Pizza Slut
Jack in the crack (or Yack in the Crack)
Little Sneezers
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:05 AM on December 10, 2008

Taco Smell
Pizza Pud
Spittle Caesars
Jack in the Crack
posted by plinth at 7:10 AM on December 10, 2008

Captain Disease - Captain D's
posted by prjo at 4:24 AM on December 11, 2008

AWESOME! I'm now arbitrarily choosing which one for each chain will now officially be the standard:

Starschmucks
Dumpin' Donuts
Fartburger
Ruddfuckers
Booger Fling
Krappy Kreme
Slugway
In n' Out Urge (with a nod to the eternal fratboy contribution)
Pizza Slut Hut (such a nice ring to it)
Jizzno's
Kentucky Fucking Chicken (which can still be used in mixed company as KFC, with private snickers!)
Spendy's
Barf in the box

With Taco Smell, I recommend using any and all derisive names, based entirely on mood, context, climate, humidity, annoyance level and level of hemp products that may or may not be in bloodstream (yours OR theirs).
posted by skybolt at 5:13 PM on December 11, 2008

Thanks for all of the help and all these awesome names to pick from. Talk about an embarrassment of riches.
posted by porn in the woods at 9:19 AM on December 12, 2008