What am I going to talk do/talk about with a virtual stranger for 10 hours?

December 8, 2008 11:05 AM

What am I going to talk do/talk about with a virtual stranger for 10 hours?

I am visiting a friend of mine in a few weeks. It is a 10+ hour round trip by car.

Hearing I was coming, his wife suggested I bring a friend of hers along with me so they could hang out. I have met but do not know the friend. I didn't refuse because I didn't want to look like a jerk, but now I am really not looking forward to the drive.

Any suggestions on how to get past the fear and loathing? Other than singing show tunes (unlikely), what is the best way to pass time with a strange in the confines of a car?

Thank you for your suggestions. -- FTC

posted by mr_felix_t_cat to human relations (21 comments total)

Try to make a new friend out of her.
posted by DMan at 11:12 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I've been there and you shouldn't worry to much unless the other person has absolutely no social skills. You'll probably find that you have at least something in common that you talk about, or you can share your life stories. Also, don't try too hard and don't think you have to talk for 10 hours or you somehow have to entertain the other person.
posted by 14580 at 11:14 AM on December 8, 2008

bring an audio book and suggest playing it if the silences are too much to bear. then you will be too busying listening to talk
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 11:14 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Well hitting on her could make the trip rather interesting. Then again, it could also make the trip incredibly awkward. Which would be enormously entertaining for us here on the intarwebs, but probably not so much for you.

More seriously, you should just go about this like you would getting to know anyone else. She's a person. People are interesting. Well, usually anyways. But this person is a friend of your friend's wife. Assuming your like your friend, it's not unlikely that you like his wife, so if both of them have good taste, it shouldn't be that hard to hit it off with her. Get her to talking about things. Find points of commonality. Go from there. Conversation is an art and a pleasure. Avoid controversial topics like religion and politics until you're sure that either 1) you're in agreement or 2) you've got a good enough read on the situation not to put your foot in it and you've built enough common courtesy to sustain a friendly debate.
posted by valkyryn at 11:18 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Bring a large variety of music, and let the person know in advance that you're happy to fritter away the 10+ hour drive chatting about mutually interesting topics, OR listening quietly to your music while they quietly listen to their own music on headphones and reads. Essentially make it clear you're happy they're sharing the drive, but you won't at all be offended if they want to cocoon for the duration -- thus making it more likely they will, which it sounds like would be nicer for you, and preventing them from wanting to cocoon but being too embarassed/ill-prepared for it.
posted by davejay at 11:18 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Ask her to dj during the trip by either A) asking her to bring a lot of her own music (if you want to trust her taste) or B) choosing from amongst your music. This gives you both something to talk about and perhaps bond a little over, but if conversation fails, the music can fill in the gaps. It also gives her something to do and saves you from taking your attention from the road--so you can get there all the faster!
posted by eralclare at 11:20 AM on December 8, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Is the stranger of the opposite sex? Is your friend's wife trying to play matchmaker?

Otherwise, this seems inconsiderate on her part. "Hey, I haven't seen my friend in a long time. Can this friend whom you don't know hitch a 5-hour car ride with you?"

Nevertheless, if you're stuck with your choice:

You and the stranger already have a couple of people in common: your friend and his wife. You can use that as an icebreaker. And I assume you both live in the same area? That could be another conversational topic.

When trying to make conversation with someone, the key is to be genuinely interested in what the other person is talking about. If you're interested, you'll automatically come up with things to say. Conversation can flow naturally from there.

Also, the friend probably thinks of you as a stranger, too. Maybe the stranger is feeling the same anxiety about the trip that you're feeling. You're in the same boat (er, car). That will hopefully ease your fears.
posted by Tin Man at 11:21 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Whenever I face a situation like this, I start with the usual round of "Who I am and what I do" in introductions. I've usually brushed up on news stories (fark.com is a good starting point) beforehand and I'll mention one that caught my eye after that's run its course. If the other person is at all interested in conversation, this will usually segway into some other topic and keep it going.

Another good ice-breaker is music. This one requires delicacy, though, as people can be quite emotional about music. An iPod pre-loaded with a wide selection of music covers you here. I have some comedy stuff (Flight of the Conchords, Wesley Willis, Robin Williams, Russell Peters, Rowan Atkinson, etc) loaded on mine in case someone wants to hear something new. Just hand them the iPod and have them pick whatever they like as the opening theme.

Of course, this is all assuming that the other person wouldn't want to just take a nap the whole way....
posted by arishaun at 11:25 AM on December 8, 2008

An absolute stranger and I got paired up for some campaign work, and we drove from LA to Vegas together. Even though we were both friendly, neither of us were chatty people so we mostly spent 4 hours in complete silence. It seemed awkward at first, but little pieces of conversation popped up now and again, then more long periods of nothing. And we got along just fine. If you were driving alone, you wouldn't be having conversations anyway (hopefully).

But definitely make sure you have music.
posted by hwyengr at 11:27 AM on December 8, 2008

I've done this twice in the past two months for campaigning-related reasons, and both times it went fine. We chatted for part of it, and we sat quietly for part of it. If you run out of things to chat about, you can just do what you'd normally do: the other person can read or something, and you can listen to the radio. I am pretty socially awkward, so I expected it to be hard, but it wasn't.
posted by craichead at 11:31 AM on December 8, 2008

I was in the same situation many years ago (9 hours one way + total stranger in the car with me) and I was terrified that it was going to be like the longest/worst blind date ever, but it turned out to be a really nice drive.

Start with the easy personal history stuff (How do you know so-and-so? Where are you from originally?) which should give you more topics to explore. After the initial fifteen minutes (when you both realize the other one doesn't suck) you'll be able to relax and enjoy the drive.

Bring a good selection of music and embrace the idea of comfortable silence. As long as she's a reasonably normal person, it's going to turn out just fine.
posted by stefanie at 11:35 AM on December 8, 2008

Why not bring along a selection of mutually interesting podcasts? This American Life has a ton to choose from including themes such as The Middle of Nowhere and Roadtrip. One I enjoyed on the Thanksgiving drive last weekend was Classifieds. Most of the stories on those episodes are non-controversial enough as to not make anyone mad, and they are interesting enough so that you might strike up a conversation about them. Podcasts are pretty much the only reason I enjoy long drives. Another conversation starting podcast is Radiolab, which I also love (and I think their archives are free, unlike TAL).
posted by sararah at 11:35 AM on December 8, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Other than singing show tunes (unlikely)

Don't be so quick to dismiss this option! I've twice been a passenger with a relatively unknown driver, and the first put on Guys and Dolls, the second played RENT. I liked the former better, but both were good ways filling up the silence and the time (if you're both into musicals).

If you like NPR, they have a few collections of "driveway" moments that would keep you occupied/interested. Most of them are 2-CDs, so there's plenty of time.

I sympathize. I would be dreading a 10-hour trip with someone I did know, let alone a stranger. Maybe if you have a quick conversation with your passenger ahead of time, you could plan for an audiobook?

This question got great answers about what to consider when sharing a long ride with a stranger.
posted by gladly at 11:39 AM on December 8, 2008

As others have said, you don't have to talk the whole time. Have the usual get to know you smalltalk conversation at first, but other than that expect a lot of silence. Also, definitely have some good music, and ask her to bring her own if possible. And I would also bring snacks.

One thing that I personally wouldn't like is the NPR/podcast, because I like to zone out and think about things on long drives, and that's easy for me to do with music in the background but harder to do when people are talking. That's just me though.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:47 AM on December 8, 2008

Bring along past episodes of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me and play along (also that other NPR quiz show, I'm blanking on the name--anyone?). That way you're not forced to actually converse but you're not sitting there in awkward silence either.
posted by HotToddy at 11:55 AM on December 8, 2008

This has already been said in a variety of ways, but what you need to do is take control. You are the one who is doing the driving. It is your car. It is your music. It is your territory. Therefore, whoever this is will instantly be put on the back foot. This isn't a bad thing. You can do whatever you want. All you have to do is make sure that you are communicating to the other person why it is that you're doing whatever it is that you're doing. For instance, let them know if you like or don't like talking on car trips. Let them know whether you like listening to music or NPR. For Christ's sake, don't just feel blindly in the dark for whether they want to talk or not. Don't ask questions, and then take their answer or lack thereof as indicative of whether or not they're looking for conversation. This is one of those situations where you just need to get out in the open what you both want. It's always hard to confront things like this head-on, but you have to do it. Remember, they're just as aware of the awkwardness of the situation as you are. Have a great trip!
posted by seagull.apollo at 12:06 PM on December 8, 2008

Your attitude toward a situation will largely influence the outcome in this case. Lighten up. Instead of dwelling on "the problem", consider this a challenge and opportunity to make a new wonderful friend. You have a lot of advantage here: it's your car, and you are a male. Initiative is welcome or even expected. So, seize the day and make the best out of it. To get you into this mood, I recommend you to go out and get this new, mystery friend a gift (a flower should suffice). Don't give it to her right away; but, if at the end of the ride, she turns out to be a wonderful companion, give it to her. Else, if you had a horrible time, give yourself the gift. Bonus point if you choose a gift you can share with her at the end of the trip.
posted by curiousZ at 12:22 PM on December 8, 2008

Seconding the ipod dj idea. Also, just be honest about the situation, "this is a little bit of a weird situation and it could be awkward, but we're not going to let it come to that because you're a friend of a friend, so we should be friends right? so let's just breeze past the awkwardness and play ipod dj/sing songs/ask each other random questions so to make this long drive less boring for both of us." and if you get some silence (which will inevitably happen) don't worry about it. The whole thing will only be awkward if you let it be.
posted by saul wright at 12:44 PM on December 8, 2008

I once shared a 12 hour drive with a fundamentalist evangelical Christian I barely knew (we both went to the same small highschool, but I hadn't seen the guy in a couple of years and we otherwise might as well have been total strangers). I had every reason to expect at least some amount of awfulness. We wound up having a really long, civil conversation about all sorts of stuff, and I learned more than I'd ever expected to know about the shape & state of commercial youth-market Jesus music. It was fine. I think the combination of polite interest and the way that roadtrips are naturally conducive to long periods of quiet will get you pretty far.
posted by brennen at 2:01 PM on December 8, 2008

Quick side-point: Think ahead whether you want/don't want the other person to share the driving (if they offer) and try to communicate that. And gas money. To avoid having to think on the spot if/when it comes up.

And if they do offer to drive and you're ok with that - you can read/sleep/stare out of the window.

If if late at night, remember people just talk less.
posted by Xhris at 4:07 PM on December 8, 2008

"How did you meet friend's wife?"
posted by Ironmouth at 7:57 PM on December 9, 2008