"No comment" on my wedding announcement?

December 8, 2008 10:25 AM

"No comment" on my wedding announcement?

I'm getting married! Most of the people I've told have reacted with the joy and congratulations that one might expect, but a few... a few have had no reaction at all...

It might be worth mentioning that this lack of reaction is seen mostly in my male friends. One is an ex-boyfriend, which I should have expected, but others are not. My relationship with my FH is perfect and I have no doubts about our marriage. Our relationship has progressed smoothly and without drama, so it isn't as if they should have misgivings, either. I sent them personal emails in which I mentioned I was getting married next year, and that I hoped they could make it to the wedding.

What do I do? Ignore their reaction and press on with inviting them? Call them out on their lack of reaction, especially not offering congratulations? I found their reactions rude. Do I not react to their non-reaction but take note and not invite them?

I've been with my FH for 3+ years, and it's been serious for a long time, so I didn't think any torches were still burning in my honor. Alternately, this could be a commentary upon the status of our friendship in general. I hear that you may re-evaluate many of your relationships when you send out wedding invitations. I don't know! Advise me, green!

posted by anonymous to society & culture (61 comments total)

Men dont go completely crazy when they hear about a wedding and a lot of people dont reply to mass-mailings. Youre being paranoid. Just send out your invitations.
posted by damn dirty ape at 10:34 AM on December 8, 2008 [13 favorites]

Bean. Plate. Really. Some people consider the pat, "congrats" to be useless or at least, pointless.
posted by notsnot at 10:34 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I sent them personal emails in which I mentioned I was getting married next year, and that I hoped they could make it to the wedding.

I think you have to cut your friends some slack. Emails get lost or end up in spam folders or get overlooked or missed because the person was away on vacation and came back to hundreds of emails and any number of other reasons... Even then, some people are busy and may sincerely believe that they wrote back to you but didnt because they read your email as they were running out somewhere and wanted to wait to write you a proper congratulations and then somehow believe they did.

I dont think "calling them out" would be the right thing to do in that case unless you're looking for an excuse to end those friendships.
posted by vacapinta at 10:35 AM on December 8, 2008

What are they not reacting to? Did you tell them in person and they didn't acknowledge that you said anything and walked away pouting? Or did you mail out some sort of announcement and they didn't call you up to congratulate. Without context its kinda hard to ferret out what you should do IMHO.
posted by ian1977 at 10:36 AM on December 8, 2008

Weddings, like babies, are much less exciting for the people for those not involved in the process. I was really excited when I got engaged and married, but there were definitely a few (exclusively dudes) that were like "Hey, super. Where should we go for lunch?" or "I dunno, are you sure you really want to do that?"
posted by electroboy at 10:36 AM on December 8, 2008 [21 favorites]

If you thought that they were really rude, would you want them at the wedding?

What I would do is send a generic invitation to everyone I wanted to come (including them, if that was the case) and see if they responded. If they do want to come, they'll respond. If they don't want to come, they'll probably either not respond, or respond saying that they don't want to come.

If you want a direct answer, then ask them. Only they will know how they feel about your wedding. :)
posted by Solomon at 10:37 AM on December 8, 2008

No reaction like, I've been traveling and haven't checked my email, or my spam-checker accidentally ate it, or perhaps "wow that's a bit f a shock in need time to find the right words"?

"[Do I] Call them out on their lack of reaction, especially not offering congratulations?"

Really, that seems over-the-top.
posted by orthogonality at 10:37 AM on December 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

Etiquette does not call for a response to a wedding announcement. A non-response to an invitation would be rude.

Call them out on their lack of reaction, especially not offering congratulations?

This is rude, as well.
posted by mr_roboto at 10:38 AM on December 8, 2008 [6 favorites]

Most of my closest friends are male and are close with both myself and my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure when we get married, none of them are going to act all excited, even though they will be happy for us. My female friends, who aren't as close, will probably be way more excited. When one of our mutual friends marries, my boyfriend is never as excited as I am, even if he is better friends with the bride/groom.

It's a cultural thing. Men often don't care as much about weddings in general.
You shouldn't be offended, or think they're being rude. You might be expecting too much. You should be excited about your marriage, but to expect all of your friends to be excited enough to act as much through email is a bit presumptuous, honestly.
posted by fructose at 10:39 AM on December 8, 2008

Maybe they were distracted, or having a bad day or any number of other reasons which have absolutely nothing to do with you at all.

To preserve your sanity and the sanity of those around you, try not to see the entire world through the lens of your upcoming wedding.
posted by jamaro at 10:39 AM on December 8, 2008 [3 favorites]

Der! I can't read. Emails. You sent them emails.

In that case....meh. Emails are such ephemeral things. Not responding to an email means nothing in particular. It could be that they read the email. Mentally said, congrats. And then completely and utterly forgot about it. I mean, to you its a HUGE deal. To them its just you getting married like so many of their other friends have.
posted by ian1977 at 10:40 AM on December 8, 2008

I've been with my FH for 3+ years, and it's been serious for a long time, so I didn't think any torches were still burning in my honor.

I think it's interesting that you assume that someone wouldn't react because they still "lusted" for you. If that was true, it wouldn't matter anyways, would it? So why automatically deduce that reason? Are you hoping that's why they didn't react the way you want them too? And why do your male friends have to be as excited as you about your own wedding? Are they typically not the congratulating type? Do they just skim through emails quickly and happen to miss words or sentences and they might have missed your announcement? If your friends opinion about your impending wedding was so important to them, why did you merely email them rather than call them? Would you be annoyed with all your facebook friends who didn't notice you changed your facebook status to "engaged" from "in a relationship"?

An email message is not a wedding invitation - a physical envelop, a card, or a phone call is an invitation. Your "invitation" wasn't as clear cut as you thought it was. Besides that point, you also should have realized by now that we don't get to dictate how people react to our own lives. Obviously it is important to you that your friends validate your relationship and future marriage in someway and their lack of "excitement" causes you to question your friendship with them. If this is how you define your friendships with people then don't invite them. However, if you want them to be at your wedding not to merely validate your relationship but to be a specific part of an important moment in your life, where their presence would bring joy to you - not in a "burning candle" or competitive way but rather in a life affirming collective booyah way - then invite them.
posted by Stynxno at 10:40 AM on December 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

Are these people unmarried? I think your loudest well-wishers will be happily married people. For unmarried people, it may not be a priority or perhaps they are envious or just flat-out busy. I admit that the gravity of marriage did not hit me until I became engaged myself. I also tended to view it as private matter rather than a public celebration.

I would expect mixed reactions throughout your engagement and wedding. Wedding tend make people reflect on their own situations and they are likely to react based on whether they are happy or not with their own marital status.
posted by i_love_squirrels at 10:40 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

This could also just be that people are busy with work/holidays/year end crap as well. Please don't think less of people because your wedding was not number one in their list of things to respond to. As others have said, stuff could be caught in their junk folder, they might not have check in a while, maybe they share email with someone and that other person deleted it.

This smacks of Bridezilla tendencies. Please think of others, and that they have lives as well, or you will end up alienating friends.
posted by kellyblah at 10:41 AM on December 8, 2008 [7 favorites]

Last year, my best friend called me and told me that she was getting married (I'm male). I was half asleep when she called, and shocked that she was getting married. To be clear, it was a good shock, not a back shock. My response to her? "Really? Wow." I simply could not compute what was going on during the moment that she called, and to this day she finds ways to remind me how shitty of a reaction I gave to her when she called. "But I'm so happy for you! My god I was half asleep when you called!" This is my fallback response.

My point is that I really think you are looking too much into this. If your relationship is as strong as you say, then other people probably saw the wedding coming sooner than when you officially announced it. Some people just don't have "OMFG!" reactions, no matter who the person is that is getting married. Even when I found out that my mother was getting remarried several years ago, I was so happy for her, but all I could muster up was a "Congratulations" in a very cool tone. It wasn't that I wasn't happy - it's just that I can't get peppy; it's not in my nature.

Maybe some of these male friends are genuinely happy for you but would feel out of character emailing you back. Maybe they hate email, maybe they want to wait until they receive an invitation to offer their congratulations. Maybe they want to speak to you on the phone to congratulate you. After all, look at the flip side of this:

A few months ago my good high school friend told me that he is getting married next year. I was stoked for him, emailed him before he sent me any invites, and told him "Definitely keep me up to date on everything. I'd love to come to the wedding and take part in it," especially after being told that he wanted me to be in the wedding. And I haven't heard from him in over a month. Maybe he's busy? Maybe he's lazy? Maybe he just wants to kill two birds with one stone and send all of the details via snail-mail rather than by email.

Point it, wait until after your wedding to figure out why some of these guys haven't responded or reacted the way that you think they should be reacting. Assume that they are happy for you - if they are good friends, then why wouldn't they be happy for you? I know that a part of you probably has that giddy "the world is mine!" feeling right now, but people simply do not think about your wedding as much as you think about it.

Jeez I sound so cynical. Congratulations (I mean it!).
posted by aloneinvietnam at 10:43 AM on December 8, 2008

Call them out on their lack of reaction, especially not offering congratulations?

Of course not. Being on the receiving end of rudeness (if that's even what this was) does not excuse rudeness in return, 99% of the time. Civility does not work on an eye-for-an-eye model.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:45 AM on December 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

This wasn't a wedding announcement (which is a formal, written notice sent via the post office), this was a mass email, which a lot of the recipients will read and treat like a Xeroxed Christmas newsletter. "Oh, that's nice," they'll think for a moment and then move on to the next item in their inbox. As a rule, folks don't gush with congratulations on your engagement unless you tell them in person and are holding out your hand so that they may admire your ring. And, to be honest, other than very close friends and family, most people could give a hoot. Some of your friends are probably already thinking "Oh, God, I hope she doesn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, what a pain...."while others are snarkily wondering "When's she due?"
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:48 AM on December 8, 2008

I should add that this is the holidays and people can be really weird about these things at this time of the year. Plus, they are sending and receiving so many cards, party invitations and what not, who knows what they've got on their plate.

Plus, when I got engaged, I had two groups of girlfriends. The girly-girl fashionista types who grabbed my hand and practically got out a loupe to look at my ring. They threw a big surprise party for me, giggled forever and wanted to know the details for every stitch of clothing me and my fiance were going to wear to the wedding. Three of these girls also got married in the same year.

Another group of friends though, were a mixed bag of divorced, nearly divorced, gay and anti-establishment, vegan indie types and they quietly said congrats, asked a couple of perfunctory questions, didn't glance at the ring, give me a card or a gift and just moved on with their lives. I wouldn't say they cared about me any less.

And sadly, a couple of friends didn't take it well at all and I don't hear from them much anymore.
posted by i_love_squirrels at 10:48 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I hadn't known it was socially required to congratulate someone on planning to get married. (And, actually, Miss Manners will tell you that "congratulations" is inappropriate because it suggests a battle won, and one says "best wishes" instead upon the announcement of an engagement or marriage, but you may not know a lot of people who've slogged through one of those books.)

I would strongly suggest you not go into this venture with eyes squinted, looking for the slightest slight or refusal to acknowledge you in the way you feel you need to be acknowledged. That is the path to bridezilla. People act the way people act, you only choose your own behavior. Choose to be gracious and accept that some people aren't going to make a big deal about you. Maybe they were once traumatized at a wedding, maybe they've got some tough stuff going on at work, maybe to them it's just information that has been noted and they didn't know they were supposed to do anything. It's probably not about you.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:49 AM on December 8, 2008 [4 favorites]

Are these people you're actively in touch with? Or was this e-mail the only time you've contacted them in, say, a couple of years? If the latter, you should consider the possibility that you're not actually still friends with these people. And you should consider the exact same possibility regarding the people who did send you pro forma congratulations.

Should you consider not inviting them? Sure -- if they're people you're out of touch with, they're very unlikely to be offended, and as the serious planning gets underway you're going to find (unless your resources are limitless or your wedding very frugal) that you'll be looking for ways to cut down the list. Should you consider sending them an e-mail denouncing them for not congratulating you? Well.... I guess it would be one way to ensure that they don't regret missing your wedding!

And now for a little of that sport of kings, Anonymous Ask MeFi Fake Therapy! Your question gives the impression that you're very heavily invested in this wedding going exactly the way you imagine -- that, for instance, your friends will offer you the congratulations that you "expect." You also say your friends "shouldn't" have any misgivings about your relationship. Both of these are asking a lot of your friends, who are, after all, other people with their own viewpoints, and who get to decide for themselves what to think and say. You say your relationship with your fiance is "perfect," has "progressed smoothly," and is "without drama." That's great -- but if I can give you one piece of advice, coming from a happily married guy, it's this -- don't demand that your friends, your wedding, or even your marriage be "perfect." Instead, ask that they be joy-producing, inspiring, sheltering, awesome, worth bragging about, indispensable....

If, on the other hand, you're deadset on having a wedding that goes exactly as you expect, especially as regards other people's actions, be prepared to be ONE. SAD. ANONYMOUS. CAMPER.
posted by escabeche at 10:53 AM on December 8, 2008 [9 favorites]

First of all, congrats!

The thing to remember about getting engaged is, while getting engaged/married is the biggest thing in your life right now (and rightfully so), for your friends, it's just another item on the list of "stuff that I found out about today". That doesn't mean they're not happy for you, it just means that they're probably not going to go as gaga about getting engaged as you are.

Some friends will react as you expect, some won't - that doesn't mean that those who have no reaction don't care. Maybe they had a stressful day at work, maybe they were really busy with other stuff - the point is, don't read anything into it.
posted by pdb at 10:56 AM on December 8, 2008

Not everyone will be as excited as you about your wedding. For the sanity of everyone, keep that in mind. Your reaction is very Bridezilla-ish. Especially since you sent emails, which I think are an impersonal way to tell someone.

Right now my sister is accusing me and a friend (both in the wedding) of "not being excited enough" for her wedding. Sadly, we call her Bridezilla because she's driving us crazy. Frankly, it's hard to be excited sometimes, between the holidays, the economy and life generally. Don't take it personally, this wedding is about celebrating YOUR love, not theirs.
posted by pokeedog at 10:57 AM on December 8, 2008 [4 favorites]

Here's the thing about weddings. If you allow yourself to even begin to worry what other people think about yours, you will go completely insane.

As you plan, you will find that some people will think you are inviting too many people, and some people will think you are not inviting enough people. Others will not like the location of the wedding. Some will be offended by your registry or lack thereof. Some will wish you chose a different date. Some people will be offended that you don't ask them to be part of the wedding party, and others will resent their wedding party responsibilities. There are going to be people that think you should have tailored your wedding exactly to their ideal specifications. And there will be other people who are nothing but supportive and helpful. And there will be still others that neither help nor complain.

So...whether or not these non-responses were an intentional snub or a simple misunderstanding, the only thing to do is press on and not take them personally--just as you would hope they wouldn't take it personally if you picked a date that was bad for them or didn't invite their second cousin or something. Just make the wedding how you want it, celebrate with those who choose to partake, and leave everything else under the bridge where it belongs. This is just the beginning.
posted by lampoil at 10:58 AM on December 8, 2008 [4 favorites]

Call them out on their lack of reaction, especially not offering congratulations?

OMG no. People get busy, people lose stuff, people are inattentive. It's not an affront, and the more you treat it as one, the more you stand to cause drama. Believe me, you will have more than enough drama planning a wedding as it is, especially if your mother is involved.

No one will care as much about your wedding as you. Not even the groom. Don't sweat this. Relax and have fun. It will all be okay. This comes from someone who was married two months ago. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING, mattered as soon as I walked down the aisle and saw the joy on my husband's face. I didn't give a rat's ass about who ignored my invite, who didn't give a gift, who flaked out at the last minute. The only thing that mattered was the love in my husband's eyes.
posted by desjardins at 11:04 AM on December 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

As most other have said: if you wanted a "reaction" you would have phoned.
posted by rokusan at 11:05 AM on December 8, 2008

Seconding the person who said that weddings are way more important to the people involved than to those who are not involved. Some of my close male friends couldn't care less about my wedding plans when I got married, and some barely-acquaintance co-workers wanted to know every detail. That was not a reflection on their relationship with me, it was a reflection on their interest in weddings. Do not "call them out." Seriously.
posted by christinetheslp at 11:06 AM on December 8, 2008

Call them out?

If these are your friends, couldn't you just talk to them? Say, "Hey, you know, I was a little weirded out when you didn't respond to my e-mail about how I'm getting married. I was kind of expecting a bit of excitement. It's not that you don't approve, right?" Or something.

But if you don't think that this is an issue that warrants a serious conversation about emotions and expectations about friendship, then you probably shouldn't say anything.
posted by Ms. Saint at 11:06 AM on December 8, 2008

It may also be that the wording of your email was a little tricky to respond to with grace. From what you've written here, it sounds like you may not have mentioned in the email exactly where and when the wedding will be. If I had received such an email, I would be cautious about responding until I knew that information. Maybe it'll be too expensive to get there or it'll be at the same time as a prior commitment! So I can't respond that I'll surely be there until I know more. But then if I only write back with congratulations and don't address the "hope you'll be there" part, I'd feel like I'm dodging the invitation and either implying that I am not intending to come or implying that I'll definitely come no matter what.
posted by xo at 11:09 AM on December 8, 2008

I couldn't agree more with pokeedog. Its wonderful and lovely that you are getting married and are excited about it, but a whole lot of people don't care. It is natural to assume that others are as excited about something that is SO important to you, but it just isn't the case. In fact, many people have an "aww crap" reaction when their friends get married because they know it is going to involve a year (or more) of "OMG MY WEDDING" talk (which gets really old really quickly), as well as possibly a substantial financial cost to them for travel to the wedding, a gift, shower gift, stagette, etc. Whether or not that will be what happens in your case, it may have happened to them in the past so now they dread weddings.

Also, "Calling them out" is only going to make damned sure that you alienate your friends and make them even LESS excited about your wedding.

Your wedding is YOUR wedding, not anyone elses. You are marrying each other, not your friends. Quit keeping tabs, quit worrying about everyone else, quit expecting (demanding, in this case) everyone to react a certain way. Focus on the fact that you are marrying the person you love and that YOU TWO are happy and starting on a journey together. That is what is important and what matters.

Good luck and have a good wedding!!
posted by gwenlister at 11:12 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think it's rude to impart important personal information via email and then expect some kind of epic response. I think it's also odd that you think it might be because some of these guys are still carrying a torch for you.
posted by Maisie Jay at 11:14 AM on December 8, 2008

Nthing everyone else; no one cares that much but you. I got engaged this year and everyone was like, "That's nice." I think one person sent me a card. I didn't even change my Facebook status or anything, and as far as I know there is no shower planned. How old are you? I'm mid-thirties and I think people are numb to such things by that point, especially when they have children.

I would mega-favorite escabeche's AskMeFi Fake Therapy (*snort*) advice if I could...it is for you and your beloved, not anyone else. Hoping that others will care is a recipe for disaster. I am totally glad you are excited and that you feel good about it...but remember that most people are thinking of themselves 99.9% of the time and not you. (Remembering this will help in countless other situations as well).

Good luck!
posted by Punctual at 11:15 AM on December 8, 2008

I think you would seem immature and attention-craving if you called them out on not congratulating you in the way you'd like them to. There's a lot of reasons why someone may not be as enthusiastic as you'd hope, or even silent, and many of them have nothing to do with them being jealous or lusting after you or even being bad friends.

I think you're just creating drama for yourself to get upset over it. That road doesn't go anywhere worthwhile.
posted by Nattie at 11:15 AM on December 8, 2008

Oh, forgot to add that I lost a friend under the exact same circumstances you mention. She sent a mass email saying that she and her boyfriend had decided to get married, no ring yet. I was puzzled and didn't respond to the email...I wasn't sure if they were engaged and I didn't want to "jinx" it (dumb, I know) by saying a premature "Best wishes!"

She is no longer my friend. She has never forgiven me for not responding to that (mass) email. This was several years ago. I only found out what my transgression was by repeatedly contacting her until she told me - we were the closest of friends at the time, and had only gotten less close since she began spending all of her time with her BF.

Don't be that woman.

I miss her.
posted by Punctual at 11:19 AM on December 8, 2008

How old are you? Are you in that weird early 30s time span where everyone and their dog is getting married? I'm smack in the middle of that and seem to get wedding announcements (via email, Facebook and telephone) on what seems like a weekly basis. I often do the "Wow, great" response and little else - doesn't mean that I won't be there celebrating up a storm at the wedding or that I'm not happy for them. But....it's not really a big deal to me. Probably isn't for them either.
posted by meerkatty at 11:19 AM on December 8, 2008

Oh, one other thing: you guys were dating for three years with no problems, so really, getting married isn't a huge change and I'm not sure how you expect people to react.

I dated my husband for six years, and it wasn't life changing for anyone -- including us -- when we got married this October. My friends were nice enough to say congratulations, for the most part. Some people didn't but I didn't assume anything bad about them. To use someone else's phrasing above, I wasn't expecting any sort of "epic response" so this was more than enough for me. I had one friend leave me a very nice voicemail and that was the extent of anything noteworthy.

From the original post, especially the part where you talk about re-evaluating friendships, I feel like you're giving your friends this artificial test of whether or not they like you enough. I don't feel like that's how friends should behave, and it seems insecure to me.
posted by Nattie at 11:22 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think the problem is that a lot of us have been burned by friends turning into Bridezilla the second they start shopping for a white Vera Wang.

A mass email announcement, or even a mass postal announcement or printing an engagement announcement in the paper does not merit a formal response. You are, for all intents and purposes, just publishing the banns, or telling everyone that you intended to be contractually obligated to one another. That's the history of engagement announcements.

There is no required etiquette response to that.

Invitations require a response. Announcements do not. Further more, you're setting yourself up for a whole lot of disappointment if you're moving into "Why aren't they doing what I WANT!" this early in the game.

And to reiterate, most men don't care about weddings, outside of wondering if they have to rent a tux. They never played with the princess dolls and dreamed of a dress shaped like a cupcake. They don't care.

That said, it will change your relationship with those men. Once you become a wife, you get slotted in a different category. It may be a subset of the set "friend", but trust me when I tell you that as a married woman, your relationship with your single male friends is going to be different.
posted by dejah420 at 11:25 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I have a big group of guy friends who are like family to me, and I would guess about a third of them would not reply if I sent out an email like this. It wouldn't be that they didn't love me or weren't happy for me, it would just mean that they were guys and I only sent them an email about it and once they learned that it was next year and so nothing would be required of them in the next two weeks or so, they would probably close the email and feel like they won't have to worry about it until they next saw or spoke to me, or got the invitation in the mail.
posted by amarynth at 11:30 AM on December 8, 2008

If you wanted their reactions, I'm confused about why you didn't either wait to tell them in person, or call them on the phone. I think of e-mail as a pretty impersonal way to share information like an engagement--I mean, I'd be a little bit weirded out if my best friend or brother's girlfriend or one of my parents told me about impending nupials via an e-mail announcement--which leads me to suspect that you are either:

1. not close enough to these friends for an e-mail announcement to be strange (in which case, I agree with everyone above that you need to step back and remember it's never as big of a deal to other people, especially those that aren't close friends or related); or

2. misjudging the appropriateness of using e-mail to announce something like this to very close friends.

Not that I would go so far as to be annoyed by a very dear friend or family member telling me something like this over email, but I think I would be a bit unsure about how to respond to it. I mean, instead of taking the time to invite your friends over for a beer or out to a happy hour and announcing it once everyone was there, or finding a time over the next couple of weeks to talk with them one-on-one and let them know your news, or even making the effort to look up someone's number to dial the phone and try to catch them at a time they were available, you defaulted to the announcement mode that requires literally almost no effort on your part. If someone did that to me, especially someone close, I'd not be terribly inclined to put a lot of effort into congratulations, since obviously it was just an FYI-kind of thing.

YMMV, of course, but I'm not a grumpy old technophobe here, I'm a woman in my late twenties, so don't discount the message you were sending *them* by announcing via email rather than in-person or by phone.
posted by iminurmefi at 11:30 AM on December 8, 2008 [3 favorites]

Nattie beat me to it, but many of them might have already assumed you were going to get married (since you say you've been together for three years and it's been serious for a long time). Your "announcement" doesn't seem to merit a mention because it's been taken for granted.

Nthing those who say to watch out for seeing the world through the lens of your wedding--you seem to be heading down that road already.

For what it's worth--congratulations!
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 11:36 AM on December 8, 2008

If you just want them to be there, or have the option, or whatever, then just send out the invitations. If you are getting married so that you can get a lot of attention and be the focus of other peoples' lives for a little while, then make a big stink about how that's not happening to the degree that you would like.
posted by rhizome at 11:42 AM on December 8, 2008

Anonymous asked me to post a response. jessamyn, sorry if I'm stepping out of bounds but I didn't want to forward anon's email without her permission.

Hi,

I'm the anonymous who recently posted about my lack of response to wedding invites. I really appreciated your response; it was sensible, sane, and not as snarky as some others. =)

Would you mind posting this for anonymous...?


Thanks to everyone who responded helpfully. Really - I'm no bridezilla, trying to micromanage this event. I'm more of a punk-rock nerd with, yeah, sure, a bit of anxiety and paranoia. The wording of my AskMefi question was to provide a bare bones sketch of my situation. I think y'all read too much into it, and perhaps projected some monsterbride impressions you have onto my question. Maybe I should have provided a few more details:

1. I keep in touch with 90% of my friends by email 90% of the time because I live on one coast, and them the other. Phone calls are reserved for immediate logistical needs, "I'm at the airport." That's how we keep in touch. I've lived 3000 miles away for a few years, so I rarely get to visit with them.

2. This was not a mass emailing. This was during the normal course of email conversations occurring with regular frequency. Some I email a few times a week, some several times a year, everywhere in between.

3. This was in response to "I'm getting married next year, and I would be so super honored if you could come because we'd like to have a really fun party with all of our friends. Can you send me your street address so I can send you the information?"

4. This was from 3 months to 2 weeks ago. All of the people I'm wondering about have had contact with me since a permutation of #3 was initially sent to them.

5. RE: "Calling them out." Yeah, I guess I'm in Bridesville, population ME! and I should just email or call them to say that I never got their addresses. I'm not fishing for 'congratulations!' or validation. I'm not big into weddings myself.

I just find it puzzling that these guys, who I consider pretty good friends, ignored that aspect of our conversation while picking up on my other comments about music, movies, politics, holiday plans, etc.

Thanks everyone for the insight!

posted by desjardins at 11:52 AM on December 8, 2008

Crap, I should have edited out the first 2 paragraphs, as they were to me directly. At least it doesn't contain identifying info. Admins, if you feel it's appropriate, please edit those out.
posted by desjardins at 11:53 AM on December 8, 2008

The only people more self-involved than those about to get married are those who have young children. Get used to people's non-reactions so that when you're showing them pictures of your kids or relating a story about your daughter losing her third tooth, you won't be offended by their insistence on ignoring you.
posted by incessant at 12:00 PM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

"I'm getting married next year, and I would be so super honored if you could come because we'd like to have a really fun party with all of our friends. Can you send me your street address so I can send you the information?"

If this was in an e-mail, I'd totally forget to do this even if it was a close friend or family member, especially if it was couched in an email with a bunch of other smalltalk stuff. After 2 weeks it'd totally drop off my radar, and I'm a girl! I'd follow up with a phone call. "How's things? By the way, I really need your street address! Let me go get a pen." Or get it from someone else who knows them, like their wife/girlfriend/mom.
posted by desjardins at 12:00 PM on December 8, 2008

Well, if you're indeed punk rock nerd, then you can send an email to all of these people (with all their addresses in BCC so as to preserve anonymity) saying "HAY GUISE I NEED UR ADDRESS 4 MY WEDDING. THX"

Just solve the problem.
posted by rhizome at 12:06 PM on December 8, 2008

No offense, anonymous, but I think your followup just reinforces the sense you're seeing all this through wedding-bliss goggles. Which is understandable, but, really, this news going to be a significantly lower priority for your faraway friends than it is for you.

As others have said, if they were to ignore an actual printed and mailed invitation (that is, no RSVP either way), that might or might not warrant annoyance or friendship-endangering resentments. But in this case, not so much. If you must follow up, a polite reinteration of "hey, I know you're busy but I am just looking for mail addresses, sorry to pester, etc." is fine. (And, if you do find yourself getting resentful, another way to look at this is like this: is enthusiasm for, or attendance at, your wedding a requirement for continuing to be your friend? Because that what you risk turning it into if you force the issue too much. )

That said, good luck with your wedding and marriage and maybe pause to take a few calming deep breaths each day between now and the event.
posted by aught at 12:14 PM on December 8, 2008

I live on one coast, and them the other

I stand by my original comment in that they are having an "aww crap" response (that is, if they didn't just notice that part or something). if they live on the opposite side of the country and you are asking for their mailing address so you can send them an invite.. well, that, to me, says you fully expect them to fly all that way for your wedding, and not many people can afford that maybe. So maybe they are avoiding it until they have decided how they are going to address that (ie. letting you down that they can't come or figure out if they can afford it). I personally just took a month or so before I responded to my bride friend's invite to the bachelorette party because I can't go (both financially and I have out of town family I really want/need to visit.

Also, is it possible, where you do send a fair number of emails back and forth, that the tl;dr over that section and just missed it?

Regardless, if you want their address, just call. Don't make a big thing of it, don't ask whether they read it in the email, don't ask why they didn't reply. They may very well volunteer an explanation when you call, or not. Just be happy and excited.
posted by gwenlister at 12:18 PM on December 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

Getting married is really wonderful, blissful. You're IN LOVE! And it feels great! But it can mess with your sense of perspective amongst everything else going on in the world. I remember feeling a little hurt sometimes when I thought people pointedly expressed disinterest, but then I just tried to let it go and continued to enjoy my blissful moment. Getting married can feel big, life-altering, and it's hard to recognize that others are not experiencing the same big emotions all the time.

One nice lesson I think I taught myself was to express interest when others tell me personal things about them now. I don't have kids, but when a co-worker is showing my a YT video of her kid's piano recital I smile at how cute it is, I tell her that must have been fun, I genuinely try to see the joy they're trying to show me and be happy for them. Because it's nice she wants to share this with me even though I find it hard to connect to in some way. And also because it sucks when you tell something that makes you so happy and they don't respond. I hope that came out right - I'm not some big fake feigning excitement for others, but I really do think I have learned to see the happiness in them, and I can be excited about that. So I guess, basically, give them a break, and learn from this and don't make others feel that disappointment when the roles are reversed.

Congratulations on getting married to someone you love.
posted by dog food sugar at 12:20 PM on December 8, 2008

If you told me via email, I would assume you're not very excited about it either. It is 1/2 step above a text message in intimate communications.

And why do you care? Are you getting married for their happiness or to impress them?
posted by Ookseer at 12:33 PM on December 8, 2008

Congratulations! I'm not a guy but if I received that message I would wonder if replying with my street address would raise the expectation that I will attend. With long distance friends, I sometimes prefer to send a gift and congratulate them in person the next time I'm in town, which unfortunately might not be their wedding day due to cost/scheduling/convenience/etc.

While Lyn Never's comment about congratulations v. best wishes has a logic to it that I get, and perhaps it's still true for Miss Manners, I'm not sure that revised editions of On Etiquette (which deal with cell phone etiquette, for example) would concur. Anna Post of the Emily Post Institute has said that the rule no longer applies, and there is an example on their site.
posted by PY at 12:34 PM on December 8, 2008

Given the direct request for an address, and the wording of your question, I'd say many of them are having etiquette induced panic attacks over how to tell you that they're not going to be able to afford to fly to your wedding.

Ask them again, and this time make it clear that you'd like to send them an invitation, even if they might have to decline because they can't make the trip.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:34 PM on December 8, 2008

What jacquilynne said.
posted by desjardins at 12:45 PM on December 8, 2008

Given the direct request for an address, and the wording of your question, I'd say many of them are having etiquette induced panic attacks over how to tell you that they're not going to be able to afford to fly to your wedding.

This would definitely be me.

I recently had to pass on a wedding because the combination of plane ticket, hotel stay, food, and probable car rental drove the cost up way beyond anything I could handle, and it was on a Friday, which would have meant taking at least two days off work, including the day before for travel. They're good friends though not the closest, but I still felt bad; if it was a really good friend who I keep in touch with regularly, I'd have felt really horrible and delayed even more trying to figure out how to say "I like you guys a lot, but the dollars just aren't there."
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:47 PM on December 8, 2008

When we got engaged, my wife and I were each tasked with getting all the addresses from our "side", including friends. We sent out invites in April or May (time flies), and I had to sleuth to get some people's addresses - in one case, stopping by the house and noting the address. One person, who I knew was coming, and whose address I had to sleuth, and who actually received an invite and sent it back, asked me three weeks before the ceremony, "do you still need my address? I totally flaked." Which really, makes no sense, since they'd already received the invite, etc. So, ya, don't sweat it.
posted by notsnot at 1:09 PM on December 8, 2008

Most of my feelings have been covered above, but I just want to mention that if you really want to get their address, it's better to send that sort of request in an email by itself as its easy to miss while skimming a longer email.
posted by drezdn at 1:27 PM on December 8, 2008

I don't think sharing this news by email is as bad as some are saying if you're not phone call people. I have friends whose voices I've not heard in a long time. But email has its own problem, which is--if I don't respond to an email w/in a day of getting it, it scrolls down my page and ceases to exist in my mind. Perversely, this happens most when don't want to do a quick reply and actually want to type out something longer or more thoughtful. There is no person on the other end of the phone asking me a question that must be answered now and no letter that I can set aside in a special place to remind me to do it later. Your friends might have just thought your email warranted a reply beyond just their address, or might have thought that they didn't want to reply until they figured out how to handle the cost issue (or any other issue), and then it was off their radar.

Otherwise, I agree with what others have said, especially about this not being as big a deal to others and potential cost concerns of attending a wedding across country. Excellent points all.
posted by Mavri at 2:43 PM on December 8, 2008

Try again; people are just flaky.
If they've never been through wedding stuff themselves, they don't know what a hassle it is to collect those addresses, and they might be thinking they aren't sure how to handle various etiquette aspects of it or whatever. Email again with just "Sorry to hassle you about this, but what's your postal address?" or something short and sweet and easy to reply to.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:50 PM on December 8, 2008

Datapoint: Male. Unmarried. Late 20's. Close female friend recently announced her upcoming marriage over email.

When I received a wedding announcement I filed it away in my head, thinking I'd congratulate my friend in person next I ran into her. We usually get together once or twice a month.

The next time I ran into her, being a male dumb-ass, I completely forgot to bring it up. Then it just happened to come up in conversation that she was already bumping heads with her mom re wedding planning.

"Oh right," I said. "Congrats, by the way! Let me give you a hug!"

Moral of the story? Please don't judge people by their email (non) response when a response (RSVP?) was not specifically asked or implied.
posted by thisisnotbruce at 3:36 PM on December 8, 2008

On reading your follow-up, anonymous, yeah that is pretty weird. I'd expect a response from that.

If you do decide on 'calling them out', keep in mind that tone is hard to communicate over text on a screen, and in general when people feel they're being accused or confronted they get defensive.

If it were me, I'd just send another email (mass email this time) that's quick and to the point of asking people to rsvp with 'I'll be there' / 'Sorry, I won't make it' / 'Depends on the wedding favours!'*

*Tailor the request to your own friends, of course.
posted by thisisnotbruce at 3:50 PM on December 8, 2008

Chill Winston
posted by tiburon at 9:25 PM on December 8, 2008

My initial reaction is, "Oh fuck. Another wedding. Another present. Another stupid sermon by the parish priest about how marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. Someone please kill me now."

Sorry, some of us are just all wedding-ed out.
posted by greekphilosophy at 11:38 AM on December 9, 2008