Much ado about imaginary dogs

December 8, 2008 5:39 AM

Am I wrong to think I should be present for the selection (and raising) of the dog I will eventually have to live with? To be fair, it's a little more complicated than it sounds...

Very soon, I will be moving across the country with my awesome rocking boyfriend. We've never lived together, but he is moving for his work, and since I'm not bound to our current locale, now seems the time to transition to living together. About six months after we settle in, I have to go abroad for quite a while (9 months, probably). He'll visit me and all that jazz, although probably only once (I am going faaaar away. Sadness).

When he gets back from his visit to me, he wants to get a dog. What? He wants to get a dog without me?!? The bf wants to wait to buy the dog until he gets back from visiting me because he will be traveling extensively in the period beforehand, and a zillion stays in a kennel would expensive and not so good for a puppy.

Now, I've got no problems with dogs. I love dogs. I had actually encouraged him to get a dog so he'd have company when I was gone, back when I thought he would get one in the time directly after we moved. That way, we could choose the dog together and get to know it/train it together. Fun!

But when he mentioned this new plan the other night, we got into a bit of a disagreement. If he's not going to get the dog before I leave, then I think he should wait until I've returned to get the dog. He disagrees, and says he will be lonely without me, and that it's selfish of me to ask him to wait. I can kinda see his point. I don't want him to be lonely. BUT...

My reasoning, his rebuttals:

1) I say: the dog will be a member of our household. Should I not have a say in the dog I'm going to be living with? (His rebuttal: Do you not trust me enough to pick out a breed that will be acceptable to you? I wouldn't get a dog you'd dislike.)

2) I say: I have a feeling that I'm going to be the primary caretaker. After all, when I get back, I will be working at home, and he will be working away from home. Ergo, much of the dog care is going to fall on me. I feel, then, that I should have some say in what sort of dog he gets, because different breeds require different levels/intensities of interaction. (His rebuttal: he says at most I'd have to walk the dog once or twice a day, and he would not get a dog that would require more. Cool. But many of the breeds he has mentioned are very energetic sorts. When I pointed this out to him, he sort of sidestepped the issue.)

3) He says I have already picked out the breed of dog I will get (this is true), so why should I have a say in his breed? Okay, this seems like a legit complaint, except that 1) my bf, by virtue of his working outside the home, will not end up being the primary caretaker for my dog by default; 2) I am willing and eager to have my bf be involved in the choosing of the actual dog -- i.e., he will have a say in which of the puppies strikes him as most appealing in terms of temperament, appearance, etc.; 3) the breed I'm going to get is very small, not very energetic, not yippy/prone to annoying barking, and doesn't shed -- which may be irrelevant to this debate, but does mean that I and I alone will be capable of meet all the dog's needs (including paying for his grooming).

4) Selfish reason: I have to miss the puppy phase?!?!???!?!? INJUSTICE!

Now, I know the rule of the green; most questions about significant others are better settled by talking to the significant other about it. But I feel like I've lost perspective here, and I exited the convo feeling really confused about whether I was simply insane to even find this prospect troubling. As I said, dogs are inarguably awesome. But I remain uneasy. I mean, sharing a household means sharing important decisions, right? And entering into them together. (Not that I've never lived with someone before.)

Obviously this isn't a dilemma that *needs* to be resolved right now (we have six months till I go), but it's been troubling me. And as discussion spiraled into argument, he said, albeit jokingly, "What, do I not get to make any decisions or do anything fun anymore?" Hivemind, I am alarmed: Am I being controlling? Or mistrusting? Or do I have a point? Give it to me bluntly: I've got no stake here, other than to dispel my uneasiness and find a way to make this work for him and me, both.

posted by anonymous to human relations (51 comments total)

Another point you can bring up is that when they are puppies there is quite a lot of bonding between the owner and pooch. This isn't just about being good friends, but establishing who are the dominant roles.

I dunno if I've just been watching too much Dog Whisperer but I personally think it would be an issue if you were to show up one day and expect the dog to understand you are master number 2 instead of "lowly roomate taking up master's time". So instead of putting number 4 as "puppeh squeee!", point out how it's very important in terms of training and development.

It's totally understandable that your boyfriend would be so excited to get a puppy and jump on it asap, but I do think he is being a bit self-centered and not necessarily for the well being of the dog.
posted by like_neon at 5:52 AM on December 8, 2008

I kept thinking, "This is about the boyfriend, not the dog." Have you considered that?
posted by Carol Anne at 5:53 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Okay, I'm married and maybe this makes me a bit more stringent about this stuff, but...I can't understand his perspective. You need to be making this decision together. It is really not okay for one member of a couple to be the sole decider in a dog that will be for *both* of you.

If he already had a dog, obviously you wouldn't get a say. But this is something you're planning to do as a couple. If you were okay with him picking it out on his own, then that would be another matter. But you're not okay with that, and he should respect your wanting to be a part of the decision-making (and training and puppyhood) process.

It is more selfish of him to cite "loneliness" as a reason than it is for you to want to take part in raising the dog from puppyhood.
posted by peggynature at 5:53 AM on December 8, 2008

I thought about it some more... I think instead of putting your arguments in terms of what you want vs. what he wants, try and place your reasonings behind what's best for the dog. Then it's less confrontational and you guys hopefully have the dog's best interest at heart when coming up with an agreement.
posted by like_neon at 5:54 AM on December 8, 2008

Also, his saying, "What, do I not get to make any decisions or do anything fun anymore?" strikes me as odd. Of course he gets to make decisions and do fun things -- but if they are decisions and fun things that will affect you both as a couple, then he needs to include you in the decision-making.

Is he really prepared for thinking of himself as a member of a partnership, rather than just a dude who does everything on his own? He needs to think about that, and not manipulatively accuse you of being controlling because you want an equal stake in decisions that affect you both.
posted by peggynature at 5:55 AM on December 8, 2008

I agree with Carol Anne, this is about the boyfriend, not the dog.
posted by pokeedog at 5:59 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Sorry last one. Although I was trying to give advice on how you guys can approach this issue, my visceral gut feeling is like others that you should not even need to be listing all these reasons.

You want to be part of the puppy picking/raising process. End of story. He should wait and suffer his loneliness (doesn't he think you'll be the same amount of lonely and sans puppy?). Why he's fighting that so much is a bit weird.
posted by like_neon at 6:00 AM on December 8, 2008

You're not overreacting, and he sounds a bit manipulative. Nthing that this is not about the dog; it's about the boyfriend. If it wasn't a dog, it would be furniture, or wallpaper, or, or, or...
posted by DWRoelands at 6:09 AM on December 8, 2008

It sounds like you are at an early stage in your relationship and are being a bit presumptuous. A dog can live 12 years or more, whereas your relationship with your boyfriend may or may not last that long. The dog should be his choice and his responsibility.

It's good that you are prompting him to think about long term care of the dog, though. Keep it on that level, and get him a book about choosing and raising a dog and pair it with a doggie related present like a puppy photo book or dog cookie jar.

Dogs accept new members of the pack all the time, but if you're worried about that, send him an old t-shirt or something that smells like you for the dog to sniff and get used to. If your relationship does work out for the long term...two dogs are easier to raise than one, and you get to choose the next one!
posted by txvtchick at 6:23 AM on December 8, 2008 [3 favorites]

Yeah, it's him. He wants a dog but not the breed you have chosen and thinks this is a way to get the dog he wants without your input. Can you compromise on the breed (just out of curiosity what is it? Is it not a "manly" dog?). It would be best for the dog, for you, and for your relationship to get the dog when you are both permanently living together.
posted by saucysault at 6:31 AM on December 8, 2008

Not choosing a dog you would dislike is very distinct from your own active participation in the dog-choosing process. It's not like a book, or film, or wall colour-- it's an interactive being with its own personality. Not to mention a commitment that could span up to 16 years...

Yes, this is a purchase that you really want to 'try' before you 'buy'.

All of your reasons are valid (except for the puppy stage-- yes they are cute, but they are needy as hell and easily produce four times their body weight in waste each day!). I can understand his desire to get a dog quickly but there doesn't seem to be any compelling reason for him to get a dog so soon other than 'wants it'. This is an emotional issue for him rather than a reasonable one. You might not be able to use reason to untangle it.

If he really, REALLY wants a dog for the company, why doesn't he try fostering for a local rescue group for the timebeing? That will give him the 9 months of company, and at the end of the time, he can pass the dog along to someone who can make a longer commitment.
posted by roshy at 6:34 AM on December 8, 2008

Another vote for this being about the boyfriend, not the dog. A dog is not a stag party, it's not a last taste of "freedom". That said, if you get to decide what kind of dog YOU want, he should get to decide what kind of dog HE wants, or you two need to compromise on the breed, but he also needs to make a realistic assessment (as you say) of exercise needs.
posted by biscotti at 6:54 AM on December 8, 2008

This sounds eerily similar to the situation I'm in, except I (the girlfriend) am in "the boyfriend's" role. (Lee? Is that you?)

Here's my take on it, from my own experiences:
-My boyfriend's main concern was that I would get a puppy, it would bond with me, and then when he moved in, the puppy wouldn't like him. It's a legitimate concern. There are a few things you can do about this. One thing you can look into is various breeds and their personalities. Granted, each dog within a breed is different, but (for example) dogs like German Shepherds and Border Collies tend to bond very strongly to one person, while others are more "family-types".
-If you're in a very serious relationship with this guy, you should definitely be able to discuss with him which breeds you like and which ones you don't. On the other hand, it doesn't seem like you're giving him any say in which breed you're going to be getting. If you're both going to be (for lack of a better word) stubborn about the breeds you've chosen, maybe you can sit down and talk about temperament. As I said above, each dog within a breed is different, so maybe a compromise can be reached?
-I sense a little bit of resentment in the "primary caretaker" comments. This is where it gets a little touchy, or at least it did in my scenario. My boyfriend said that he wanted a puppy that would bond with him; one that he could love on all he wants. At the same time, he insisted that it had to be my responsibility to care for the dog; he didn't want to scoop poop. Um, sorry, no. If you're really serious about this guy, then (and this is the root of the issue, I think) this shouldn't be broken down into "my dog" versus "your dog". It's "our dogs", and rewards and responsibilities should be shared pretty much equally.

In summary: Talk to him about temperament. Reach a compromise. Don't divide into "mine" and "yours".

As an aside: What kind of breed are you getting that's both small and laid-back/not yippy?
posted by specialagentwebb at 6:57 AM on December 8, 2008

You will be gone for 9 months. He will be lonely. He'd like to resolve that by having a puppy. I'd think hard before I removed that from his list of possible solutions to loneliness.
posted by Houstonian at 7:00 AM on December 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

I agree with txvtchick... dogs live for a long, long time. You may end up staying with this guy forever, or you might end up breaking up in a year or two. Let him pick out the dog he wants. You could always get your own dog, too.

Sorry if I sound cynical, but I think pets and property are work out best if they're owned by an individual and not jointly by the couple. I would try living together for several months first before embarking on this sort of joint long-term endeavor.
posted by emd3737 at 7:03 AM on December 8, 2008

Your boyfriend's rebuttals all seem to come down to one irrelevant issue--whether or not you trust him to make an appropriate decision. Is that really what this is about? You both might want to think/talk on that one.

Trust issues aside, as a practical issue this is not (or should not) be about trusting him to make the "right" decisions, but about making sure that this new member of your family fits with your family and that you fit with the dog. The animal shelter where I volunteer requires that all members of the family who will be living with the animal meet the animal first before adopting it. I believe most humane societies have a similar policy. This policy is in place for a very good reason; you want to make sure as much as possible that new living arrangement will work for everyone. Even animals who love people and people who love animals sometimes just don't work well together. Maybe your boyfriend thinks this doesn't matter so much with a puppy--that a puppy is adaptable and he'll raise it and it will be all peaches and cream, whatever; however, by the time you get there, the dog won't be a puppy anymore.

Your boyfriend might get lonely, but you don't live with him now and he doesn't have a dog. His reasoning seems incredibly thin to me and pretty selfish. I am sure there is plenty for him to do without needing a dog to take care of to fill his lonely hours. From what you've written, I get the impression that he just wants to pick the dog out himself, for whatever reason (that would concern me--does he need to make sure the dog is all "his" in case you break up? does he need to get a pet he knows you would not choose? why would he want to do this alone?). Also, if he is working and living alone, that means that the new puppy will have to be left alone all day. That is not good for the puppy at all--puppies require constant attention and care. I really think it's best for everyone (dog included) if this is put off until you can be part of the process.
posted by Polychrome at 7:12 AM on December 8, 2008

I thought about it some more... I think instead of putting your arguments in terms of what you want vs. what he wants, try and place your reasonings behind what's best for the dog.

While it's good to promote the attitude of "what's best for the dog," people have an uncanny ability to know when their partner is advancing a particular cause because of their own personal agenda, and usually resent it. Why does this have to be about the dog? Nthing that it's really about you and he. Neither of you want to concede, you both have reasons that you *think* are good. Personally, I think the situation should be handled when you are there together, to lay as much of this to rest as possible, but even getting to that point will mean that you have "won," so be prepared for an uphill battle.

Low blow: tell him that since the two of you can't work this out, you're apparently not ready for a new dog at all yet, even after you return. Suddenly your former position will seem quite acceptably middle-of-the road.
posted by hermitosis at 7:17 AM on December 8, 2008

Yeah, it's him. He wants a dog but not the breed you have chosen

I'm sorry, but how is it him if *she's* the one who's already chosen the breed without his input? Seriously. The poster is being exactly as uncaring and manipulative as the bf in this:

3) He says I have already picked out the breed of dog I will get (this is true)

Is there anybody here who seriously thinks she's being fair? "He gets to choose which of the puppies in the one breed I've already decided upon strikes him as most appealing in appearance"? Looks to me he's not the only one here who's having trouble thinking of himself as part of a team.
posted by mediareport at 7:22 AM on December 8, 2008

I disagree with a lot of the answers here. You are being pretty controlling about something that ultimately should be his choice. It's going to be his when you guys break up after a couple of months of being apart anyway, so you might as well let him pick it. All of your "reasons" pale in comparison with the effort and degradation of his respect for you for fighting about something so trivial. If you care about how its raised and what kind it is he should listen to your advice, but if he wants a dog, let the man get a dog.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:24 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Low blow: tell him that since the two of you can't work this out, you're apparently not ready for a new dog at all yet, even after you return. Suddenly your former position will seem quite acceptably middle-of-the road.

Wow I never knew anyone actually planned out this kind of hardcore passive aggressive manipulation, I figured it just emerged unconsciously. Do you all have websites and a "Game"-like bible as well?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:27 AM on December 8, 2008

I'd like that low blow bit a lot better if they recognize that it's probably the truth rather than just a manipulation tactic.

If you can't agree on a breed of dog or who to pick a breed of dog or whether you should have any comment on the breed of dog or whatever relationship issues are underlying how breed of dog came to be a trust issue, and you're already building up a head of resentment over the future requirement that you care for a dog neither of you even have yet, and you've also got your own totally separate plan to get a dog that's yours and not his, the two of you aren't ready to get dogs together.

Or apartments, for that matter.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:35 AM on December 8, 2008

Going through your reasons, I mostly disagree with them.

(1) Yeah, you should get input, and maybe a veto over what a neutral third party might regard as excessive (no schutzhund-trained sheppies, no former fighting dogs, stuff at that level). But the implicit view of "I get mine and I get yours too" doesn't seem at all fair to me. A subtext I see here, which of course might not be there, is he might want a lab or dobie or some other big, stereotypically mannish dog and he's worried that you're going to stamp your feet about it, and he's going to get stuck with only a dog that's (to flip your own descriptors) little and underfoot all the time, lethargic, and with no personality.

(2) By the time you get back from wherever, the load of caretaking should not be very much. It should be (more or less) housebroken by then, without you having to put up with that. Unless he works very long shifts, you shouldn't need to feed it. So "caretaking" boils down to hanging around with the dog and walking it, which is not much. You can agree that if he gets Dog X, he is responsible for a long walk after he gets back from work, and/or that he is responsible for taking the dog to obedience or some other class.

(3) He is right. You're moving in and starting The Firm. Either The Firm decides together what dogs to get, or each of you decides what dog to get. You don't get to invoke The Firm when it's to your benefit, but deprecate it when it isn't. I mean, sharing a household means sharing important decisions, right? And entering into them together.

(4) Means not spending your first few months together wiping up dogshit.

I would talk to him a lot about breeds, to get a sense of what breeds he likes and which he doesn't and to try to exclude unacceptable breeds and --for real-- steer the decision to breeds you like. Bring up likes and dislikes, but reasonable about them -- a dobie or rottie isn't going to eat your little yorkie or lhasa or whatever, especially if you can get him to agree that he gets a dog and you get a bitch. A better answer then would be that a dobie or rottie makes home insurance more expensive, when you get to that point.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:43 AM on December 8, 2008

Finally (postcount +1), why not get two dogs? He gets one he wants while you're gone, you get to micromanage the one you get on your return. It's OK to have seperate stuff in a relationship, it's called independence, something only us cat people truly understand.
OK that was a low blow, sorry.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:44 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Back off for a minute from your argument about breeds of dogs. Make a list of the things you each really want from the situation - for example:

a) not to need to spend more than 1hr / day walking the dog.
b) not to feel lonely while GF is away.
etc etc.

Once you have a list, check that BOTH of you agree that all items on the list are reasonable. If you hit one that you still disagree on, back off even further. Ask /why/ you want it. Write that down.

Once you have a list full of items you both agree on, sit down together and think through ways in which you can satisfy all the items on the list. Start off with the presumption that ALL the items are going to be ticked off: it's not a matter of horse trading.

Working through things that you agree on is so much easier than arguing over things you don't agree on.
posted by emilyw at 7:51 AM on December 8, 2008

You missing the bonding stage with the puppy is a very legit concern.

Your insistence that you get to decide what breed of puppy you two are getting is very not cool.

Perhaps you could both compromise?

All the "who's the primary caretaker" stuff is a smokescreen, in my opinion. If you two are going to survive living together, you're going to divide up the chores so that you both feel like you're both pulling your weight. Someone has to make dinner, clean up afterwards, do the grocery shopping, clean the bathroom, wash the sheets and towels, shovel snow/tend the yard (if applicable), vacumn/mop, etc., as well as walk the dog.
posted by desuetude at 7:54 AM on December 8, 2008

You are overstepping your bounds here. I hate to say it but there is a pretty decent chance you guys will not make it through the long separation phase (good luck on that), so the family as far as the dog will be concerned is just the two of them. You are a potential member to join at a later date.

So, basically it is HIS dog, you might come into the picture later (again, hopefully), but until then the only real leg you can stand on is to rule out specific breeds you would hypothetically be unable to be around. Until then stop being manipulative.
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:56 AM on December 8, 2008

Here's a random thought/compromise that has absolutely nothing to do with the underlying problems:

Is there not a rescue organization where he can foster a dog that really, really needs him for those 9 months? Then, when you get there, you get a to pick a puppy together. The way I see it, everybody wins. He gets a dog to keep him company when you're gone. A dog who really needs some love and attention until he can be formally adopted by someone else gets the help they need. And then together you can pick out a puppy when you finally get there. The worst case scenario I can see through my rose colored glasses is that you end up with two dogs: a shelter dog he's fallen in love with, and a new puppy.
posted by cgg at 8:00 AM on December 8, 2008 [5 favorites]

... to expand a little: some repeated asking "so why is this important?" may lead to a discovery that what you are really arguing about is something quite different. For example:

bf: I am deeply afraid that I am moving to a new town on my own, with no support structure, where I will find it difficult to make friends and will be miserable. GF is going to go off somewhere and have fun without me, and she won't even let me have a canine friend to stand by me while she is away.

gf: I am afraid that while I am away, BF will make a life all his own, with friends, a dog, the kitchen arranged how he likes it, etc. etc. and when I come back I will find I am an outsider in a life we were meant to be building together. BF is not compromising in his efforts to build a life for him rather than a life for us.

You may find that even just talking about the real issues (whatever they are) may help to solve your disagreement.
posted by emilyw at 8:00 AM on December 8, 2008 [8 favorites]

I disagree with a lot of the answers here. You are being pretty controlling about something that ultimately should be his choice. It's going to be his when you guys break up after a couple of months of being apart anyway, so you might as well let him pick it. All of your "reasons" pale in comparison with the effort and degradation of his respect for you for fighting about something so trivial. If you care about how its raised and what kind it is he should listen to your advice, but if he wants a dog, let the man get a dog.

Seconded seconded seconded. A lot of your "reasons", anon, constitute little more than whining about things that are largely irrelevant/imaginary. For example, this:

2) I say: I have a feeling that I'm going to be the primary caretaker. After all, when I get back, I will be working at home, and he will be working away from home. Ergo, much of the dog care is going to fall on me.

If he gets a dog while you're gone, he'll be the one taking care of it full-time. Which would invalidate the idea of you being the primary caretaker. Presumably, he'll get used to taking care of the dog. This is a good thing. You really don't want to be the only person taking care of an animal in a two-person household. Even if you think you do.

You guys sound young. Really young. And already you're approaching this dog-getting thing the wrong way (for example, you're not even considering mixed breeds or older dogs, which would likely be mellower/easier to care for).

You say this: I mean, sharing a household means sharing important decisions, right? And entering into them together. (Not that I've never lived with someone before.) But, like it or not, your leaving for nine months towards the beginning of cohabitation means that you won't be sharing a household. Look, you're going to be gone for longer than you'll be there. And usually I'm not one to step on the "your long distance relationship is going to fail" bandwagon (I'm in a very successful one myself), but based on the apparent youth of the two of you, and the general tumult in your lives--cross country move and first-time cohabitation immediately preceding a period of extended long distance with only one visit in nine months--I'm really, really sceptical that this is going to last. Particularly if you're going to be so controlling over how he deals with his solitude.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:17 AM on December 8, 2008

It's HIS dog. Stop trying to get your claws into it.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 8:23 AM on December 8, 2008

I agree with emilyw.
It sounds to me like there is some conflation going on. There is getting a dog and then there is building a relationship between you and bf. Let's say the discussion was not about a dog, but about buying a house, or a new car, or new stereo system, or some other thing that would be shared through the relationship. Would it be ok for him to buy a house/car/stereo without you there? What is his opinion on the matter? That component of the issue is strictly relationship centric. Some people want to be heavily involved in joint decisions, others are more accommodating, it depends on the relationship. Complicating this is that you're not living together yet, so it's all still a bit hypothetical.

The second issue is specifically about getting a dog, this is where the bonding aspects, breed selection, etc., come into play.

It seems to me that your boyfriend is thinking about just getting a dog, and why complicate getting a dog by wrapping it in relationship concerns.

While you are concerned that the boyfriend is taking actions that will have implications on you, without really including you in on the process.

Or, again, what emilyw said.
posted by forforf at 8:36 AM on December 8, 2008

Wow. Stunning question and answers.

I want to know what breed of dog you've chosen. I think that will tell us quite quickly which one of you is being unreasonable (to me, it seems like you are).

I'm a dog owner and always have been. I think the 'puppy bonding stage' thing is mostly bullshit in this scenario. Most good breeds of dogs have no trouble bonding to affectionate humans regardless of their age. A friend of mine had a dog for a few years--a breed his girlfriend hated--before his gf moved in. She lived with them 3 years and when she left, the dog went with her as it was the best fit. Even the guy couldn't argue it. The dog *wanted* to go even though the guy was a great companion for the animal.

The fact that you chose the breed sans his input is extremely selfish, imo.
posted by Manhasset at 9:07 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm a dog owner and always have been. I think the 'puppy bonding stage' thing is mostly bullshit in this scenario. Most good breeds of dogs have no trouble bonding to affectionate humans regardless of their age.

Also, I wanted to chime in in agreement about this. My family has always adopted adult shelter dogs, who never had any trouble bonding with family members.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:15 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm confused-sounds like her choice of dog involves a second dog and not the bf's dog?

But as to my opinion, let him get a dog. Then it is HIS dog, and HE gets to take care of it.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:17 AM on December 8, 2008

sounds like her choice of dog involves a second dog and not the bf's dog?

I read it as "I've chosen a breed of dog for us but my boyfriend wants to get a different breed while I'm gone which means OUR DOG won't be the breed I wanted when I get back."

Might be helpful for the poster to clarify.
posted by mediareport at 9:39 AM on December 8, 2008

Just a quick anecdote: My ex picked out a dog without me. We still (friendly) argue about this to this day. He says he told me he was going to the pound to get a dog; I say he told me was just going to look at dogs. He brought home a German Shepard mix. She was beautiful but completely unruly and too strong for me to handle. I loved her, but I never would have chosen her and I doubt I ever loved her as much as he did. I lived with her for a few years before we broke up, and the dog always felt like his, so of course he took her after we broke up.

I don't think your boyfriend is being manipulative and trying to leave you out of the process. I think he's being immature and he just wants the puppy as soon as he can get it. It sounds like a case of somewhat-delayed instant gratification.

From my experience, I would encourage you to work this out and choose the dog together. It sucks to not fully enjoy a dog you live with--it's not the dog's fault, it's not your fault (if you didn't chose him/her), but everyone suffers a bit no matter how hard you try to fully accept a pet that has issues you would have avoided (i.e., being too big, strong, hyper, etc.)
posted by faunafrailty at 10:26 AM on December 8, 2008

He says I have already picked out the breed of dog I will get (this is true), so why should I have a say in his breed?

I read this to mean two dogs.
posted by Vaike at 10:42 AM on December 8, 2008

Why not get an adult dog instead of a puppy? I definitely think your boyfriend should get a dog while you're gone, but if you're concerned about bonding and missing the puppy phase, an adult dog should be a good compromise. No one gets to witness the puppy phase, no one gets to be the first human the dog "imprints" upon, and a deserving shelter dog that might not otherwise make it gets a loving home.
posted by hazyjane at 11:20 AM on December 8, 2008

This is a weird question and this is a weird thread.

I can't totally put my finger on it, but something sounds off. It doesn't really sound like you are really all that into each other. Calling him 'awesome rocking boyfriend' seems a little Tom Cruise on Oprah, and the fact that you're going "abroad" for nine months pretty quickly after moving in -- a time period that exceeds the time actually spent living together...well, it's kind of weird. You don't seem sad about it at all, you seem excited about it. NTTAWWT, but it strikes me as a little unfair to approach the situation as if you're a team, but none of the actions reflect much teamwork -- you note that you're moving in w/him because you're "not bound to your current locale"-- that's not the world's best reason for living with your boyfriend. I mean, I've done it, and I can tell you it wasn't the greatest idea I've ever had.

So -- yes, you're right that a dog should be a shared purchase in a partnered relationship. However, I don't think you're actually in one -- so he's within rights to get the dog.

"Apologies for any unfair reading between the lines that comes from filling in the blanks of other people's stories on the internet."
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:02 PM on December 8, 2008

follow-up from the OP

***usually I'm not one to step on the "your long distance relationship is going to fail" bandwagon (I'm in a very successful one myself), but based on the apparent youth of the two of you, and the general tumult in your lives--cross country move and first-time cohabitation immediately preceding a period of extended long distance with only one visit in nine months--I'm really, really sceptical that this is going to last.***

***the fact that you're going "abroad" for nine months pretty quickly after moving in -- a time period that exceeds the time actually spent living together...well, it's kind of weird. You don't seem sad about it at all, you seem excited about it***

Maybe I should have added that he and I are both academics. Our discipline requires extended fieldwork abroad. Does this make a difference to your reading of the situation? Honestly, I can't say that "excited" would be the first way I'd choose to describe my feelings about my upcoming research period, but he and I both recognize it as a necessity.

***You guys sound young. Really young.***

Heh. Not sure what to say about this. We're not fresh from college by any means.

***Calling him 'awesome rocking boyfriend' seems a little Tom Cruise on Oprah***

Yikes. My flippancy fails again! I'll amend this line to "intelligent, kind, and funny," then.

***I read it as "I've chosen a breed of dog for us but my boyfriend wants to get a different breed while I'm gone which means OUR DOG won't be the breed I wanted when I get back."***

Sorry for the confusion -- we always planned on getting two dogs. I never wanted to choose the breed for him!

Your point is taken, however, about my having been set on getting a particular breed for myself since long before I met the bf. I've lived with two dogs of that breed and have always been determined to have one of my own some day. I can see how you think this is a bit unjust.

***there is a pretty decent chance you guys will not make it through the long separation phase (good luck on that)***

Academia can be hell on relationships, it's true. But I have full faith we'll make it through. And it seems like a bad idea to permit the fear about breaking up in some distance time in the future to guide one's current choices in what is, over all, a very strong relationship. Ya know?

Thanks for all the answers, Mefites!

posted by jessamyn at 2:34 PM on December 8, 2008

I'm still confused. She's going to pick a dog that she wants when she gets back, but she's not going to let him pick a dog that he wants during the long period she's away?

Can that possibly be right?
posted by mediareport at 2:57 PM on December 8, 2008

Heh. Not sure what to say about this. We're not fresh from college by any means.

Sorry, OP, but your tone and style of writing, coupled with the fact that you'd never lived with anyone and the sheer bizarreness of the argument suggested to me someone closer to fresh from high school than even fresh from college. If you're getting two dogs, you're being beyond unreasonable in demanding he get a certain breed. And I think, really, you two are too old to be having this argument.

I'm in a LDR for the purpose of academics, so I can understand, but I still think that it's a bad idea to forge these relationships in tumultuous conditions--which your moving in, and then moving out again, will undoubtedly create. And quite frankly, I would have gone out of my mind in a long distance relationship without my pet--they really really help you feel grounded and connected to other living creatures--and if he thinks that will genuinely help him cope with the distance you should accept and support that. Really, long distance relationships work best when you learn to go with the flow and the idea that you'd be trying to control something like this in your SO really makes me feel uneasy on a number of levels.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:08 PM on December 8, 2008

I'm also still not clear. It seems to me as you're each getting a dog and that you've each chosen a breed. This is fine.

However, it also seems that you want to play some part in the choosing of the particular dog of the breed of his choosing (heretofore referred to as "his dog"). Though I can understand this being desirable, I cannot understand it being something necessary. In fact, I think making it necessary (the point, I think, of your argument) is childish, selfish, and ludicrous. It's his dog, after all. Let him choose it and tell him you plan to choose your own dog later down the line.
posted by Manhasset at 8:21 PM on December 8, 2008

Yeah, "childish, selfish and ludicrous" pretty much nails a person who understands that each person in the relationship will be owning a dog but is now trying to control their partner's choice of dog after asserting her right to choose her own without the partner's input. That seems at least a little fucked up to me.

I'd love to hear from the folks who wrote supportive answers earlier; do you still feel the poster is being reasonable here?
posted by mediareport at 9:22 PM on December 8, 2008

They both are getting dogs. They both know what breed they want. She wants him to be with her when she picks out hers. She wants to be with him when they pick out his.

Sounds reasonable and ideal.

As does the boyfriend's need to have companionship when she is gone.

There are ways to do a little of both. With Skype and iChat, photo phones, texts, etc.

Not a perfect solution, but it might fit the situation. (look into those puppy's eyes and it is always a 'yes' in my book) She will get to feel a bit more involved in the process.
posted by Vaike at 10:22 PM on December 8, 2008

Okay, now I see that you are getting two dogs, one of which you will choose the breed without his input, it does seem odd that you expect to have so much say in his dog breed. Living together requires a lot of compromises, this would be a good situation to learn to compromise. But once you agree on a compromise, accept it whole-heartedly, don't bring up the choice of dog breed in your arguments years from now. Heh, my first answer suggested compromise too, so I guess I am really stuck on it.
posted by saucysault at 8:03 AM on December 9, 2008

They both are getting dogs. They both know what breed they want. She wants him to be with her when she picks out hers. She wants to be with him when they pick out his.

Sounds reasonable and ideal.

See, to me, it's not reasonable and ideal, but maybe it depends highly on the relationship and the people involved. I don't really think it's a process that it's necessary for the OP to feel involved in, and I have a feeling it has a lot more to do with them never having lived together before than anything else.

It's not as if I don't, in some ways empathize. In fact, I got into a similar argument at the beginning of my relationship.

I was eighteen. My boyfriend had often talked about how much he wanted a cat. I offered several times to take him to a nearby shelter and help him select one. He countered that he was likely moving out of his parents' house in the next few years and it was a bad idea. And then one day his mother brought home a pregnant cat that a friend had decided to foster. It took a liking to my boyfriend, and so it became "his."

I flipped. I was so frustrated that I'd offered to be part of the process and been turned down and that he'd ended up adopting a cat without me. I acted, essentially, like a spoiled brat, sulking about the name he'd chosen, about not being involved in the process. Someday, we were going to live together. Shouldn't it be my cat too?!

Years later (and, incidentally, in the ensuing years the cat's gone to live with his mother and I've adopted a different cat all on my own), I realize that this all had nothing to do with cats. As, I deeply suspect, this argument has nothing to do with dogs for the original poster. For me, the idea of adopting a pet together was deeply wrapped up in my ideas of domesticity and cohabitation (and I'd experienced neither at this point in my life). It's something happy, in love couples do, before they make babies, I thought. It solidifies their bond together, creates a protofamily, right?

Only problem is that it's not right. As Manhasset said upthread, most friendly dogs have no problem bonding to affectionate humans. For example, my mother adopted a wee little Jack Russell terrier (an adult) while I was away at school. Four months later I come home and the dog follows me from room to room and sleeps under my covers at night. My cat, who my boyfriend was not there for the adoption of, adores him. I'm including pictures not just to show how adorable these creatures are, but to prove visual evidence for my point. Namely, that your being present or not for the adoption has absolutely nothing to do with how bonded you'll be to the animal. There are some animals who you might never bond with despite your best efforts, too. You might be there for the adoption of a dog who ends up bonding primarily to men, or is just generally aloof. That happens to. But it's a crapshoot, and in my experience conditions during those first few weeks of the pet getting settled in they're not always totally themselves, anyway--you just never know. So what I'm trying to say to OP is that you can't really control this anyway, and your efforts at trying to control this via controlling your boyfriend are really in vain and pretty silly.

So, with that out of the way, we get down to the really relationshippy part of this. Honestly, I'd feel differently about it if you were currently living together, or were planning on living together permanently without that nine month gap, but you're going away for an extended period of time soon after moving in. He'll be living alone, paying rent alone, making household decisions largely on his own. This is really just another household decision. Are you going to be upset with him for moving the furniture around when you're gone, or doing decorating? Making major purchases? Yes? Well, I'll let you know this--long distance relationships necessitate a ton of trust. And, by the nature of the relationship, you won't be able to be involved with a lot of things that, say, a wife would in a normal cohabiting relationship. The situation is going to work out a lot better if you let go of your desire to have control over a lot of these things and instead trust in your boyfriend to make correct decisions.

And you were okay with his decision to get a dog before, when it fit into your fantasy of puppy raising. You already think that his argument for getting a dog to combat loneliness is valid. So really the problem here is that he's shattering your fantasy about raising a puppy together while you live together--probably close to how I felt at eighteen when a very pregnant cat named Esme shattered my similar fantasies. It's hard to have reality look different from your ideal. But the truth is, living together is not going to meet your fantasies in other ways, especially because of the long distance factor. And you're letting your emotions about all of this (and again, I think it has nothing to do with a dog) run amok. You and your boyfriend will be happier if you let go of all of these expectations and face reality together as mature, supportive adults.

So I guess you knew the answer going in, anon. Take a deep breath and talk to your boyfriend, not about dogs, but about whatever it is that's really freaking you out about all of this--maybe about your fears of losing control over the household, or not having decision making power, or whatever is really behind it. Try to talk to him not with the intention of changing his mind--which will just frustrate both of you--but clearing yours.

Good luck.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:07 AM on December 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

I was a confused poster earlier, I thought she meant there was just the one dog. If she's still getting her own dog and he's just trying to get HIS own then I fully amend my earlier answer. Let him get his dog. Your puppy days will come and you can pick up all the poop you desire. Good luck.
posted by like_neon at 8:36 AM on December 9, 2008

Calm down.

Get two dogs.
posted by bondgirl53001 at 10:35 AM on December 9, 2008

Wow, this is confusing. I read the situation as akin to this scenario:

The Couple is planning to adopt 2 children someday. The Male Half now says that he is actually going to adopt one of the children while the Female Half is away for 9 months. Female Half is upset by this as she wants to be involved in the adoption process of any and all children - is this correct?

I don't think it's about breeds, but about the introduction of a new family member/pet into the shared home while one of the "parents" is away for 9 months.

Yes?
posted by tristeza at 3:28 PM on December 9, 2008

I wrote something quite long-winded but I'm chucking it because once I got to the end of all my earnest advice, I realized that my concluding two sentences are really the only important observations:

Your situation has some problematic aspects that must be worked out, but that's life and the nature of living with someone else. How you handle those difficulties is ultimately what defines your relationship; any couple can hack it when the decisions are easy and straightforward. I do think that with all the talk of "your dog" and "his dog" you two seem to still be pretty solidly in "individual-lives" mode, rather than partnership at this point.
__________________________________

This is it, really... You ask if you are being unreasonable (I paraphrase); I think you both are, actually, mostly because you haven't transitioned into actual couplehood. You are each thinking "me/you" and "mine/yours" instead of "us" and "ours". There are many ways of working out the dog question, but you both seem to be apprehensive and guarded about your rights in the relationship right now. Move in together, see how it goes. Make this decision when you know more.
posted by taz at 2:23 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite]