To you, this dating question is trivial; to me right now, it's monumental.

December 7, 2008 6:51 PM

Help me not work myself into a tizzy about a potential social faux pas.

Caveat: this is longer than it has any right to be. Sorry, hive mind, and thanks for putting up with my obsessing over a rather trivial question.

So, there's this guy I met in a group I recently joined. I like him.

I am simultaneously the kind of person who doesn't hesitate to engage with people I like (so I invited him to an event) and the kind of person who is, you know, a little terrified of rejection (so I made the event a party at my house with other people from our group—I hadn't invited anyone else yet, I just suggested that I would have a party later this month, and I would like him to come).

In the end, I don't have time to throw a party, but there is a performance of one of my pieces of music this week at a church that has a concert series. So, I emailed him and suggested he join me for that instead. So, the email conversation (paraphrased):

me: I'm not going to have time to throw that party, but there is a concert of "Awesome Piece of Music" this week. Would you like to join me? [Note distinct lack of detail about how much tickets would cost, or that they would cost anything at all.]

him: That sounds like fun. Did you invite others from the group yet?

me: Not yet. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by excluding them.

him: Just invite a few people; don't worry about hurting their feelings.

me: Great! So you'll come?

him: Yeah! Sure!

me (to group): Come with me to this concert this week! It will be at this place, at this time, and you can get tickets online here, for $50.

The pertinent thing in all this is that I forgot to include the information about the ticket price in the initial email exchange (and didn't include a link to the event's webpage or anything like that), and only realized that I hadn't after I had sent the email out to the whole group. I haven't gotten any responses to that last email. Not from the guy or from any of the other people I invited. So I'm a little panicky.

I'm worried that a) it might have been an unwelcome surprise that the event I invited him to costs $50—I didn't really think about it costing so much since it's one of my favorites—and b) that I look weird for inviting a bunch of people to such an expensive event. My sister (to whom I expressed my anxiety) said, "He's an adult. If he didn't google an event before he agreed to go to, that's his problem."

My dilemma: should I add another email to our already pretty-darn-long email chain to say "Whoops, sorry, just realized I never gave you the ticket details on that before you agreed to come; hope it's not a problem" and risk looking even weirder than I'm already afraid I do, or should I just keep my mouth shut, quit panicking, hope nobody else does agree to come, and email him before the event to confirm when and where we'll meet?

Current interior monologue: I can't believe I screwed this up. I am lame lame lame. How does anyone ever manage to ask anybody else out on a date? Aaaaaaaaaaaargh. I am an idiot.

posted by ocherdraco to human relations (33 answers total)

Whoops, the concert is not one of my pieces of music, it's one of my favorite pieces of music. Key difference, that.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:53 PM on December 7, 2008

He's an adult. If he didn't google an event before he agreed to go to, that's his problem.
posted by felix betachat at 6:57 PM on December 7, 2008

he might have agreed to come thinking the price would be less but he won't back out now if he likes you (assuming he can actually afford it). And if things work out, then he will remember it as the best $50 he ever spent.
posted by ouchitburns at 7:03 PM on December 7, 2008

How long ago did you send the last e-mail? People are busy, and if they feel a meet-up has been agreed upon, they're not going to send endless little e-mails back and forth for no reason. If it hasn't been long, odds are he'll be contacting you soon to figure out when and where you'll meet.

If you know that a $50 ticket would be a hardship for him, you could certainly send the "Whoops, sorry..." e-mail just to give him an out, but otherwise it doesn't seem necessary.
posted by chihiro at 7:04 PM on December 7, 2008

It might be too pricey for him. If so, fine, that doesn't make you a bad person. But like you suggest, you might want to offer him an out that saves him from having to say "uh, that's more than I have in my entire bank account."

Maybe you could email him saying, "hey, I haven't gotten any replies from anyone, and I'm thinking that maybe it's because $50 is pretty pricey. Should I suggest that we all head to ABC for coffee instead? Or do you still want to see the music even if nobody else can come?" (Don't worry about the already-long email chain. I mean, that's what email is for; it's an unlimited resource; he's going to an event with you, planning for that event is a perfectly fine reason to exchange emails.)
posted by salvia at 7:07 PM on December 7, 2008 [4 favorites]

I'd classify this as a minor faux pas, not enough to get worked up about. Email him and let him know you forgot to mention the ticket price and give him an out if money is tight (I know I wouldn't be going to a concert costing $50 a ticket right now).

Start a new email, don't keep stacking on to the other one.
posted by fenriq at 7:07 PM on December 7, 2008

If I were you, I'd be more worried about how he's concerned that other people also be there.
posted by Miko at 7:10 PM on December 7, 2008 [18 favorites]

@Miko: Yeah, I know.

Argh.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:15 PM on December 7, 2008

Oof. Well, anyway, I don't think you need to send a followup. They'll look at the ticket price - I would. Yes, it would be too expensive for a lot of people, but it's on them to email you to say "no thanks, would rather not spend the money right now." Don't worry, you did nothing wrong.
posted by Miko at 7:20 PM on December 7, 2008

Speaking as a guy:

If I were interested in you, this wouldn't matter.

If I just wanted to be friends, this wouldn't matter.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:24 PM on December 7, 2008

Thanks, folks. It truly is trivial, I know. I just needed someone to calm me down (because I was completely failing to do so myself).

I'm still not sure whether I'll send an email about the price, but at least now the question is "should I or shouldn't I" not "if I do/don't do this, will it ruin EVERYTHING?"

I'm being lame, and appreciate your help to drag me out of my lameness. (I don't, by the way, obsess like this on a regular basis. Which is part of why this sort of blindsided me. Why do I care so goddamn much?)
posted by ocherdraco at 7:29 PM on December 7, 2008

Also, @Miko, that "argh" was directed at myself, not at you. You really got to the crux of my anxiety. Thanks.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:30 PM on December 7, 2008

It's a concert at a church? And it costs $50? Sounds kind of steep for me.

How old is this guy, what does he do for a living and what are his attitudes towards money? This is fairly important, considering you made the invitation and not him. Also, I'm assuming you're not paying for his ticket.

A house party is casual and usually less expensive than a group get together at a concert that charges $50/head. Unless you live in a part of the country where $50 is meaningless.

I rarely google events before I commit to them. I don't know why people assume everyone does this. Of course, you typically ask the person inviting you for details.

The words "concert at church" suggest a free or modest entry fee ($5-$20). I don't always ask my friends or people I'm going to hang out with saying "how much will it cost me" unless I'm close friends and I feel comfortable asking.

I mean, if I really like someone, I will take the hit and pay for it at the door. I would be put off by it, but that persons charm and company would make up for it as the evening progressed.

However, if I was mildy or barely interested in a person, and they invited me to an expensive place without forewarning, I would be annoyed and would honestly consider not hanging out with that person because I would be under the impression that future events would be draining my bank.


At the very least, I would send a group e-mail, that includes him, with a link to the website where he can get his ticket and that page should prominently feature the ticket price.

Hey, on the brightside, you can screen this guy out based on his income/spending habits. if you think nothing else of dropping $50 on a concert, shouldn't you be with a guy who would do the same?
posted by abdulf at 7:33 PM on December 7, 2008

@abdulf: The email to the group (which included him) did show the ticket price, etc. And the whole "concert at church" thing was precisely my worry.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:39 PM on December 7, 2008

In that case, don't send another e-mail. I misread your post. He knows how much it costs and if he wants out - he can make up an excuse not to go. He hasn't rejected you because he agreed to go. If he doesn't show - he's rejecting the venue and would probably welcome another more suitable opportunity.
posted by abdulf at 7:54 PM on December 7, 2008

Smaller point, but: If you said, "Would you like to join me?" to me, I'd assume you were paying.
posted by rokusan at 7:57 PM on December 7, 2008 [5 favorites]

You asked him out on a date, and you are asking him to pay?

If I were you, I'd pack an extra $50 in your wallet, just in case he thinks that being invited means you are paying. Because, well, usually the person asking is the person who picks up the tab.
posted by Houstonian at 8:27 PM on December 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

@Houstonian: Well, not exactly. I asked him to come to a party, but when the party didn't work out, I asked him to join me for a concert, and he sort of assumed it would be a group event, so I've asked several other people to come, too. So, I'm not asking him to pay for a date, not really.

Would I like it to have actually been a date? Yes. Yes, I would. And it may end up being like a date, in that at this point it looks like only he and I will be going. But the invitation is extended to a group of people.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:36 PM on December 7, 2008

Seconding Salvia.

In response to rokusan and Houstonian -- I've done "wanna join me at a concert"s with friends, and it's always been implied that we pay our own ticket.

Also, $50 is a large chunk of money to spend on a concert, unless the performance is one of your favorites. (Is it Handel's Messiah?) I mean, I've gone to similarly-priced events where I really really wanted to go, but I wouldn't dream of asking someone else unless they were similarly hyped up about it. Hence, you're fine spending it, but he may be not.

What I mean to say is -- just because he backs out doesn't mean he doesn't like you. So -- you should give him an out -- schedule something else, some other performance, coffee or drinks.
posted by suedehead at 8:45 PM on December 7, 2008

(On the other hand, maybe you should wait to see if he's still okay with going despite the ticket price -- it might be a convenient way of weeding out everybody else so that the concert does turn into a date.)
posted by suedehead at 8:47 PM on December 7, 2008

Would I like it to have actually been a date? Yes. Yes, I would.

You should tell him that at some point, probably soon.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:59 PM on December 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm not trying to be snarky at all, so apologies if this comes across that way, but if a faux pas like this one leads you to this kind of rumination, or if your fear of rejection is really this great, I stongly advise you see a therapist about a possible diagnosis of anxiety (if you haven't already).

If you find yourself walking around with this kind of interior dialogue all the time, this could be one in a long line of these kind of experiences for you. I promise, it's no way to live.
posted by 4ster at 10:11 PM on December 7, 2008 [3 favorites]

Agreed with 4ster, particularly as you also clarified a comment to Miko as you were afraid something you had said might have been misconstrued as being directed at her - when I think it was very clear that it wasn't.

I only feel I can recognize this in you because I have this problem myself. I've been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and have to battle against this kind of thinking quite often.

About the guy - I'm afraid to say that it most likely won't be a date just because his initial reaction to invite others was quite clear. Regardless, if the ticket price is too expensive he could just say something came up and he can't make it after all, so I wouldn't worry about that too much.
posted by hazyjane at 11:09 PM on December 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

I have to say that I would be annoyed to be invited to an event that costs $50 without any prior warning. I don't know about you, but that's far from a trivial cover charge where I come from. Have you let him know this is the case, or have you figured out if you can comp him (most places will give you a few comps if you are a performer).

I also agree with rokusan in that I would also be concerned that he was so interested in who else was going. As far as I know, that's a major red flag in date-land.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:33 AM on December 8, 2008

I think you should do exactly what Salvia suggests, word for word.

Personally, I'd be a bit nonplussed to be invited to something, more or less as your guest, and then after I say yes be told that the ticket price is $50. I might go ahead and pay it, since I had already said yes (especially if you were cute and I was hoping to get into your pants) but I'd be pretty grumpy about the financial surprise.

And I'm also in agreement with those who suggest you are making a mountain out of something that isn't even a molehill -- the worst you've done is invite people to an event that costs more than they want to pay for. You haven't done anything rude, awful, or insulting; there is simply nothing here to worry about. This genuinely isn't worth the overthinking you are giving it.

Lastly, if you want to go on a date with this guy, you might want to, you know, actually ask him out on a date. Like, using the word "date" and making it clear that it is you and him, not you, him, and twenty friends. Yes, you might get rejected and that's embarrassing, sure. But he might say "yes, I'd been hoping you would ask," and then you ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after, who knows?

What you are finding here is that being indirect and imprecise isn't very useful. You wanted a date with him, but ended up with first a big dinner party, then a group outing, and now that seems to be turning into a solo outing (because most people won't want to pay $50 for a church event). But what you still really want is the date, and imprecise hinting around isn't getting you there. You can keep doing what you are doing, and perhaps (it is possible, at least) he will suddenly appear for a date. Or you can act like a grown up and take a risk and ask him out and see what happens.

Because in the end, being told "no thanks, I'm gay / not interested / engaged / a total weirdo" takes a lot less of your life than this kind of endless overthinking, avoidance, and imprecision. That, and being honest and direct (within the constraints of good manners, obviously) works better, too -- you are a lot more likely to get the results you want that way then you are with your current choices.
posted by Forktine at 5:51 AM on December 8, 2008 [6 favorites]

If I were you, I'd be more worried about how he's concerned that other people also be there.

I would also be concerned that he was so interested in who else was going. As far as I know, that's a major red flag in date-land.

Disagree strongly with the above. ocherdraco presented the event as an alternative to the party she had been considering; the guy inquiring about the other presumed invitees is hardly a 'red flag'.

If anything, he was obliquely asking if it was a date, as opposed to a group outing. ocherdraco didn't give a straight answer, and the guy didn't see through the stated excuse (don't want to hurt anyone's feelings) to the implied answer (that it was meant, in fact, to be a date). Regardless, it's just your run of the mill dating confusion. You'll either hit it off or you won't, the details of context really don't matter a whole lot.

Brandon Blatcher nailed it.
posted by a young man in spats at 6:16 AM on December 8, 2008

It's nice that everyone's trying to make you feel better but really this is simultaneously a total bummer situation and its utterly standard to get all worked up about it. Forktine is right that the more direct approach is fine, but dating is a game, and kids under 30 seem to think that the object of the game is to hide what it is you are feeling about someone while also getting it on with them. So it is possible (though not that likely) that this small gaffe will cost you a shot at this dude's pants.

The key isn't to beat yourself up over it, but learn from the mistake and move on briskly. I do like the idea of writing him back to say "Oh shit nobody's coming after all. Do you mind if its just you and I?" Then offer to pay. If he's interested he'll say No no I still want to go and you don't have to pay. If not, he'll bail. Either way, if he was into dating you before this issue probably did not change his mind.

How do you not get 1 free ticket if you're in the performance by the way?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:14 AM on December 8, 2008

Okay. I solemnly swear that I won't be oblique anymore when I try to ask someone out on a date.

I've sent an email along the lines of the one Salvia suggested, and I'm hoping for the best.

(As for the therapy suggestions, I appreciate them, but don't think that this isolated incidence of anxiety warrants that. If it continues to happen, though, you may well be right.)
posted by ocherdraco at 7:22 AM on December 8, 2008

@Potomac Avenue: I'm not in it (the post should have read "my favorite music" not "my music"—I saw the typo right after I posted and commented then).

In any case, I think I'll consider the question to be resolved, even though the situation still isn't.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:24 AM on December 8, 2008

Could it be because it's at a church? Some people just feel uncomfortable in churches, even if it's for a concert and not a service.
posted by desjardins at 12:22 PM on December 8, 2008

Apologies for my poor reading skills.
Personally I'm all for using whatever tactics are necessary to get a date with someone. Sometimes the direct approach does not work. In fact you were all set up to make a pretty good switcharoo here where the dude thought he was going to a party but suddenly he was going on a date with you. You just could have picked a cheaper place to trick him into joining you.

All's fair, etc, and good luck.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:58 PM on December 8, 2008

An update (which, in the spirit of the original post, isn't exactly terse):

So, the Messiah*, it turns out, is long. And has boring bits. (Who knew? I've never been to a performance of the whole thing before.) But it is still, overwhelmingly, mind-blowingly beautiful. But anyway, the Messiah is clearly not the point: the person who sat next to me during the first two parts (we left before the third) is.

I used Salvia's email almost word-for-word, and my worries, were mostly, as I hoped, unfounded. The two of us went together, he didn't seem bothered by the ticket price, we left after the "Hallelujah Chorus" and had a very enjoyable, long dinner in which we spilled our guts about all sorts of Real World Grown-Up Important Issues like what we want to achieve in our lives, where our priorities are, the kinds of relationships we've been in, the desire for family, the pressure to succeed, etc. The kind of conversation you don't have with someone who's just a friend, but also not quite the kind of conversation where fireworks go off and shooting stars fly overhead and you end up going home together.

So. I think that Forktine was most perceptive in saying that I need to be more straightforward in these sorts of things, and though I still haven't managed to really be direct with this guy that I like him, I know that I need to be if I am to expect things to go any further than they already have.

*suedehead was right.
posted by ocherdraco at 12:34 PM on December 12, 2008

Follow-up: I directly asked and was directly (but nicely) told that he wasn't interested.
posted by ocherdraco at 3:20 PM on March 6, 2009