an anyone recommend a reference that might assist an adult family dealing with a traumatic situation decades after the event?

December 7, 2008 6:49 PM

Can anyone recommend a reference that might assist an adult family dealing with a traumatic situation decades after the event?

Can anyone recommend a reference that might assist an adult family dealing with a traumatic situation decades after the event? Some of the family is completely in denial about the way the event and it's aftereffects, while others have been suffering for years as a result. The topic, which has never been openly discussed, has been brought to the table.

posted by worstkidever to human relations (8 comments total)

I think we need more details about the kind of traumatic event. Getting over a death is incredibly different than getting over abuse or betrayal, for example.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:56 PM on December 7, 2008

Well, since I didn't want to wait the wait for an anonymous posting, I can't really provide too much detail. And while I suppose getting over it is different, I would guess the initial process for getting everyone to discuss the issue without it delving into a blame game is pretty universal across the traumas. Specifics do matter, but I'm not looking for advice on the specifics.
posted by worstkidever at 10:14 PM on December 7, 2008

One possibility is family constellation therapy (or its ideas). It's kind of groovy but it's kind of interesting, too. Here's an amazon search.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:35 PM on December 7, 2008

Well, since I didn't want to wait the wait for an anonymous posting, I can't really provide too much detail.

If it's been decades, waiting a day or so for an anonymous post seems like a small sacrifice.

I am not trying to put you done worstkidever, I don't know the full details, but maybe you should consider if ask.metafilter or therapy or even resolution is really appropriate in this case. A traumatic event "decades" ago? People have recovered from the most horrible abuse, torture, wrongful imprisonment and wars over less time. Those members of your family that are "in denial" may have the right idea - coping or moving on may be a far better idea than trying to deal with an experience, especially years after the events. And those who are still suffering "decades" later? That seems far too extreme to rely on a shoot-from-the-hip diagnosis from ask.metafilter for a reference book. Therapy for their individual long-term inability to rebuild may be far more appropriate.

Please understand, I'm sympathetic but I also question the wisdom of your approach.
posted by outlier at 5:10 AM on December 8, 2008

Actually, there is a body of work suggesting exactly the opposite, outlier. (I'm so not qualified to explain this but:) That traumatic events that happen to families, especially when not discussed or treated at the time, can hang around for decades or even longer. The therapists who work in this field use, I believe, different exercises for individuals or families developed for just this situation, for trauma occurring many years prior. It is not uncommon for some of the people involved to be either dead or unwilling to participate, so the therapists have ways of working with whoever is wanting to participate.

[According to this work, the effects of trauma can even ripple "down"ward, to descendents who were not alive during the trauma, although that is not the poster's situation. To give some perhaps obvious examples: The children of Holocaust survivors or the descendents of those who died there in some ways live with the trauma of the Holocaust. Same with the descendents of men who were lynched.]
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 8:19 AM on December 8, 2008

Outlier:

1) If you are trying to advise a friend in extreme pain how to deal with this situation right now, a day or so is not acceptable.

2) When I was younger, I think I might have shared your view on this topic. As it stands, I find it naive and simplistic. In sincerely traumatic situation, unless support is provided, what often passes as "rebuilding" and "dealing" is usually just letting coping mechanisms smother the problem until it explodes. Compartmentalizing something emotionally is not the same as addressing it. High functioning does not equal recovered.

3) I am not asking for a diagnosis, which is why I didn't feel it necessary to include details. What I am looking for is some sort of guide that might keep a situation already in motion from ending up worse than it started.

4) Unsolicited advice: Never assume that you could envision the worst that could have happened to someone; or assume how brilliantly you would have dealt with it if it had happened to you.
posted by worstkidever at 7:32 PM on December 8, 2008

ClaudiaCenter: I also am not an expert or therapist (with all the caveats that implies), but it was my impression that the balance was swinging the other way - debriefing after traumatic events seems to actually increase psychological impact, most people who experience a traumatic event recover quickly and for those who are effected, the duration is usually (emphasis) days to weeks, and the idea of needing to identify and explore the source of a trauma is unproven and falling out of fashion. The idea of trauma rippling down to descendants extends the long tail to an absurd extent, and and has the unfortunate side-effect of allowing each one of us to blame our ancestors for our psychological state. At the very least, it should be simplest to at first assume we can move on from our own bad experiences, before taking on the burden of our parents and grandparents.

worstkidever: I took some care in my reply but I understand you're under stress right now and might have read things into it that weren't there. I'm under no illusions that I might deal brilliantly with a terrible situation - nor did I say so. But I think you're a little confused here about what you want to achieve. You asked for "a reference that might assist an adult family" but couldn't wait because you want " to advise a friend in extreme pain how to deal with this situation right now". One is not the other. In the first case, waiting a day may have allowed you to give more details that would have improved the quality of replies. In the second case, if it is urgent the solution is not waiting for replies on a message board, based on the barest of details. And the day that you could not wait has passed.

If your friend needs immediate help, that is what counseling or therapy is for. In addition, maybe you should think about another, more focused question for ask.metafilter. I wish you and your friend luck.
posted by outlier at 2:48 AM on December 9, 2008

Outlier:
Point taken. I was under stress when I replied, and that certainly seasoned my response. However, in re-reading your initial answer, I still take issue with most of it. I think it and your follow-up are based on assumptions; and aimed at delving into a question which was not asked. I was not inviting AskMeFi to offer advice on how this situation came about, why I feel the information would be helpful immediately, or whether anyone actually involved in this mess is justified in feeling the way they do. Nor is a message board our sole means of resolution, or a means of seeking any sort of diagnosis at all. It is a one tool of many, (including ongoing therapy), which I was hoping might refer us to a guide for handling a general situation, one which was in danger of going very wrong, better than it was currently being handled. Even understanding that the information might come too late, I felt it was important to try. Honestly, your responses were taken as a shoot-from-the-hip diagnosis just like those you advised me against soliciting.

I don't question your intentions, but I think we misunderstand one another. I can think any number of scenarios in which your comments and suggestions are inaccurate at best. This is one of those situations. I apologize if I have overreacted.

Your wishing of luck will be passed on.
posted by worstkidever at 2:18 PM on December 10, 2008