How can I appear truthful when stressed out?

December 7, 2008 3:04 PM

How do you tell if someone is lying or telling the truth?

I am in a bad situation. Not a legal situation, but a situation where someone experienced in spotting lies is going to be evaluating me. I tend to get pretty stressed out, especially by this stuff, and while I'm planning on telling the truth, I am worried that because of my stress over the situation, I may seem like I am lying to them. Can anyone, preferably someone with professional experience, give me any advice on how to present myself as honestly as possible?

I have read on the internet that things like looking in a certain direction, having your palms open, touching your chest with an open hand, all point to a person who is telling the truth. Another sign you're lying is supposedly moving your arms in close to your body, but I just caught myself doing that today with my therapist in a moment where I was absolutely telling the truth. Are these "tells" for lying just internet hooey, or do professionals really look for these signs when evaluating truth telling?

Is there any surefire way to tell if someone is lying or telling the truth?

posted by anonymous to human relations (38 comments total)

The only surefire way to find out is to investigate what they say. History proves that there have been many extremely convincing liars.

You can prove that for yourself. All you need to do is get into a high-stakes poker game.

You need to relax and be more self-confident. The kind of insecurity you are feeling will come out as a feeling of insincerity even if you are telling the truth.

You say you will be telling the truth. In that case, what are you worried about?
posted by Class Goat at 3:13 PM on December 7, 2008

Try to avoid starting sentences with "In all honesty" or"To tell the truth." Starting some sentences with these words gives the impression that all your other statements were lies or at least partially untrue.

Also, drink a bottle of cold water before hand, to cool yourself down and to try and avoid sweating during the evaluation.
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:14 PM on December 7, 2008

Is there any surefire way to tell if someone is lying or telling the truth?

The short answer is no.

The slightly longer answer is that, if you were to answer the questions while being scanned by an fMRI machine there is some evidence that they can be fairly effective at detecting truth/falsehood by looking at what part of your brain is most active when you answer specific questions. Regions associated with memory vs regions associated with creativity, etc.

Tells like looking up or down or moving your arms in certain ways is mostly pseudoscience I believe.
posted by Justinian at 3:15 PM on December 7, 2008

Micro movements.

If you try and concentrate on any of this stuff, you will look like you're a liar.

Don't think about it, try to relax.
posted by mandal at 3:25 PM on December 7, 2008

When I had my immigration interview, I was worried about this. Because of the high stakes of the situation, I was very nervous, and I was worried that my nervousness would make me look suspicious, even though I was 100% bona fide. What worked for me was to sing Prince's "When Doves Cry" at the top of my lungs on the way to the interview (it was what was on the radio), and then while in the waiting room, to crack dumb jokes with my husband about the terrible reality tv they were playing on the overhead tv set. In other words, I just had to find a way to relax.
posted by joannemerriam at 3:34 PM on December 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

Justinian writes "Tells like looking up or down or moving your arms in certain ways is mostly pseudoscience I believe."

Doesn't matter if it's pseudo-science, if the evaluator believes it.

Traditional "lie-detector" (polygraph), devices that rely on blood pressueand galvanic skin response, for instance, are bunk.

But if the evaluator thinks they work, or is trained to believe that eyes roll-ed up indicate searching memory but eyes to the side indicate confabulation, he'll "determine" you're lying based on those "indications" -- especially if he has a vested interest in doing so.

But then again, these evaluators believe they've been trained, believe they're "scientific", and think their witch-doctory works, so they expect the subject to be nervous. Not as nervous as a really guilty person, but nervous before the polygrapher's "powers" of perception. Because they also believe everyone is guilty of something, even if it's just speeding or impure thoughts about their cousin Martha.

Better to be "caught" for a minor indiscretion and let the "expert" feel expert and vindicated, and hope he'll be satisfied with that.

Heinlein's "If This Goes On--" has some good advice on the matter.
posted by orthogonality at 3:35 PM on December 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'm compulsively truthful and even I feel this way sometimes, when I expect someone to be suspicious of me. Don't try for intense eye contaultra-sincerity; that's con-artist stuff. Just look straight at them, try not to avoid the gaze, and relax your whole body. If you're nervous because of an anxiety surrounding the situation, allude to that if it's feasible ("I feel bad about this situation, I'm sorry," etc.)
posted by Countess Elena at 3:36 PM on December 7, 2008

Is there any surefire way to tell if someone is lying or telling the truth?

Possibly fMRI. Most everything else, from polygraphs to body language, relies on the assumption that "lying is stressful, someone exhibiting stress is someone who is lying".

In some cases this assumption is true, but there is a rather wide opening for false positives (the person is just stressed out and not actually lying) and false negatives (the person is lying, but cool as a cucumber). Even micro-expressions need to be carefully interpreted (was that flash of fear due to lying or fear of being falsely accused, was that disgust due to lying or disgust at being interviewed, etc).

Your best bet is to relax and concentrate on the interview/evaluation, rather than what you're doing or failing to do with your eyes or hands.
posted by CKmtl at 3:39 PM on December 7, 2008

posted by anonymous Can anyone, preferably someone with professional experience, give me any advice on how to present myself as honestly as possible?

It's simple. Tell the truth.
posted by mattdidthat at 3:56 PM on December 7, 2008

Try to avoid starting sentences with "In all honesty" or"To tell the truth." Starting some sentences with these words gives the impression that all your other statements were lies or at least partially untrue.

I don't agree with that interpretation. That signals to me that the speaker is going to reveal something that is impolite, unpleasant, awkward, surprising or unusual, not that he has been lying up to this point and is going to start telling the truth.
posted by randomstriker at 3:56 PM on December 7, 2008

If the person evaluating you has a lick of common sense, they'll be able to tell that you're nervous and cut you some slack for that.

Just relax as best you can and tell the truth.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:00 PM on December 7, 2008

It's simple. Tell the truth.

It's far from simple.

You can say whatever the heck you want and people come away with an impression that is based 10% on what you said and 90% on how you said it. Consciously or not, most of the judgements we make about people are based on their mannerisms.

I agree that if you tell the truth, you will be less prone to give off the lying vibe. But there are a dozen signs that can be misinterpreted as possible lying. Stammering. Lack of confidence. Being fidgety. Sweating. General nervousness. All of which could be due to other causes.

The most common situation for this is job interview. So, if you have time before this "event" occurs, I would suggest you go take a quick course on how to conduct yourself in a job interview. The advice they give you there will, largely, be appropriate for all personal interactions. I could list ways in which you should behave but it won't be any different from what you've already found on google, and far less useful than having a professional coach you in person.

So go find a job-centre or recruiting firm and ask for an hour or so of interview coaching.
posted by randomstriker at 4:05 PM on December 7, 2008

while I'm planning on telling the truth, I am worried that because of my stress over the situation, I may seem like I am lying to them

If you're not going to by lying to them, that puts you well ahead of the game, because you can play the Full Disclosure card early on. You can open with something like "Look, this whole situation is really stressful for me, and I'm nervous as hell about talking to you, and I'm scared that I might come across as shifty because of that. So please feel free to double-check anything I say, because I want you to know for sure that I'm being up-front with you here."

You will then have no need to worry about hiding or controlling your nervousness, and that in turn will make you the least nervous you can possibly be.
posted by flabdablet at 4:12 PM on December 7, 2008 [6 favorites]

I am worried that because of my stress over the situation, I may seem like I am lying to them.

I guarantee your "interviewer" will realize that almost everyone he attempts to spot lies in is stressed out. Like they say, it's only routine to career criminals.
posted by niles at 4:12 PM on December 7, 2008

You're not a career criminal, are you?
posted by niles at 4:13 PM on December 7, 2008

This isn't directly answering your question, but one thing to remember in situations like this is make sure that you listen to the question and let yourself have a moment before answering it. Taking a breath before answering will automatically calm you down a bit. My experience only comes from cross examination in a court room, but often people being questioned tend to jump ahead in their minds and answer the question that they think they are being asked. This is an easy way for the questioner to make the person being questioned look like they are lying and changing their story, when in fact they are merely nervous and confused. Also if someone asks you a leading question ("So did you kill her before or after you killed her sister?") call them on it. It doesn't sound like you will have a lawyer so you will have to be your own advocate and call out the questioner when they ask an unfair and leading question.

Also refuse to speculate. If you don't absolutely know the answer to a question say "I don't know" or "I don't have any personal knowledge of that fact." Or if you merely know something because someone else told you you say "X told me this and I have no reason to doubt them, but I also have no way to personally verify that information." Above all don't let them lead you into any traps. Answer the question as succinctly as you can. Do not elaborate unless they ask further questions. They will likely try to ask you the same question a dozen different ways to see if they get a different answer. Just keep saying the same thing over and over, no more and no less.

Don't let yourself feel bullied. They will likely try and use sarcasm and accusations to get you upset and to change your answer. Don't fall for it, stick to your story and just keep repeating it until they give up. If they ask a confusing and oddly worded question, say you don't understand exactly what they are asking and could they rephrase. Also beware of questions that require only a yes or a no, think it through carefully before you say yes or no. I'm been a pretend witness before (for law school classes) and as a rule I virtually never answer anything yes or no. Answering yes or no forces you to confirm the conclusion that the questioner has posed. Things are often complex, if your situation is complex make sure that you note that (ex. If you walked at a southwest diagonal across a road, say so, don't answer yes to the question "Do you walk south across the road?")

I don't know much about "tells" but those are all very subjective, what could really get you into trouble is accidentally confusing your story or letting the questioner narrate your story instead of yourself.
posted by whoaali at 4:18 PM on December 7, 2008

Just go in, speak to them as candidly as you can, without worrying about tricks to make yourself appear honest. Trying to "act" honest could backfire by making you seem too calculated, so that it appears you are lying.

All this "meta" stuff (I'm afraid they're going to think I am lying, my fear that they're going to think I am lying is going to make it seem like I am lying, etc.) can drive you crazy and carries real risks of working against your objective.

Just go in, tell 'em the truth as well as you can, and be done with it.
posted by jayder at 4:21 PM on December 7, 2008

Presumably if an interviewer/interrogator is experienced enough to pick up on lies, they're not going to miss your hamhanded first-time attempts at truthy body language. I would think that would be far more damaging than just being normally stressed in a stressful context.
posted by a young man in spats at 4:21 PM on December 7, 2008

Are these "tells" for lying just internet hooey, or do professionals really look for these signs when evaluating truth telling?

Yes, they're internet hooey. Some of the most experienced liars are well-schooled in the body language of honesty, and your interrogators are going to know that. For you to go in with well-practiced gestures that, you've read on the Internet, signify honesty, you're going to look like a pathological liar and you'll make things more difficult.

On the flip side, if you're about to crumble from stress and you're shaking/sweating/having trouble getting words out, your interrogators will likely know you are not faking.

I really wish you could tell us more about what is going on so we could be more specific. You are welcome to Mefi mail me.
posted by jayder at 4:27 PM on December 7, 2008

What are the consequences if they think you are lying? Is your job on the line? If the consequences are not significant, just do as you intend, tell the truth. If they don't like your answer or think you are bs-ing, that is their problem. Otherwise, if the consequences are great, I would sit with my hands in my lap or on the table and not fidget. I would look the examiner in the eye while he asks the question and then for at least part of the answer. I would ask to have any question clarified that you are not sure of.

The bottom line is that who ever is doing the evaluating is still guessing. At best, determining if someone is telling the truth or lying from listening to them or watching them is an art not a science so just tell them the truth or what you want them to hear because they are going to do with it as they see fit.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:33 PM on December 7, 2008

An actor's perspective:

Let us consider what a liar does. It seems to me a liar is a person who uses what he knows about the appearance of truth to construct an illusion. There are at least two levels of consciousness at play here, the performance and the performer, and this separation is on one level the way we identify a liar.

The person telling the truth on the other hand, simply tells the truth. The performer is the performance. This is what we call honesty.

A very good liar is able to briefly convince you that the performance is the performer. A very bad truth teller will convince you of the opposite.

In my opinion, the worst thing you can do is go in nervous, having done rudimentary research into what "truth" looks like, and try to perform the truth. Despite technical honesty, your performance would be visible as separate from you, and you would be indistinguishable from a liar.

Don't worry about being nervous. Anyone sensible can tell the difference between a nervous character and a nervous actor. This lie detector fellow should be able to tell the difference between a nervous person and a liar.
posted by tsmo at 4:41 PM on December 7, 2008

One other thing I've heard about detecting lies is that a lot of the checkpoint-type jobs, like border guard are trained to watch people's eye movements. If you are trying to remember something you unconsciously look up and to the left. If you're trying to invent an answer, you look up and to the right. However, if you come from a culture that reads right to left, apparently this is reversed, and truth for those folks registers as lying...
posted by barc0001 at 4:49 PM on December 7, 2008

Some beta blocker drugs have a reputation for easing symptoms of stage fright/public speaking.
posted by hortense at 4:56 PM on December 7, 2008

In Kevin Spacey's portrayal of Keiser Soze in the movie The Usual Suspects, the character puts together a weave or huge yarn that consisted of little details ,which had seemingly no consequence, that enriched the lie- to make it more homespun and therefore believeable. But, Spacey certainly did not appear nervous, he was genuinely acting the part of somebody perpetrating a magnificent lie. Your question seems misguided because you say you will be telling the truth, but you want to know how someone can tell if you are lying or not. Nice if we knew more.
posted by captainsohler at 5:09 PM on December 7, 2008

Is there any surefire way to tell if someone is lying or telling the truth?

No.

Are these "tells" for lying just internet hooey, or do professionals really look for these signs when evaluating truth telling?

"Internet hooey" is a bit much but they aren't of much use in and of themselves. Someone who is very good at detecting lies will look for instances of body language that are incongruent with the rest of your participation in the discussion. Some of these tells are commonly observed incongruent moments. But it really isn't the particular gesture that indicates the lie, it's whether that gesture stood out from the rest of the speaker's body language.

However, this is a little bit irrelevant because few people can detect the lies of strangers with any consistency. Maybe you'll be talking to someone who is, or someone who looks for faulty indicators, there's no way for you to know. I agree that one of the worst things you can do is to go in to the interview with the intention of "performing like someone speaking the truth".

There's a few things you can do that strongly convey honesty and trustworthiness to most of the population: lots of eye contact (not staring, but your eyes on them for the majority of the conversation - more while listening than talking), answering the question they ask not the question you wish they had asked, and consistent, cohesive, detailed answers. Let the concerns about body language go. Few interviewers are so confident in their interpretation of body language that they will favor it instead of an apparently truthful account.
posted by BigSky at 6:14 PM on December 7, 2008

If possible, it can help to admit that you're nervous about the whole deal. Just saying that - out loud - might help you relax.
posted by VioletU at 6:27 PM on December 7, 2008

I once attended a presentation by a former investigator on just this topic. his points were that he'd suspect someone they were lying if they touched their noses a lot, avoided eye contact or shifted their heads more than usual. he would start chatting with suspects to gauge how they usually respond in conversations and see if there were any differences once the actual questioning begin. he had videos of people where he made us guess whether they were telling the truth. we all got pretty good at it after a while. one guy kept repeating the question he was asked so he'd have a few more seconds to think about an answer, another one suddenly dropped his habit of talking in great detail and fell into somewhat of a rehearsed, sparse script. when asked five minutes later about the situation again, he pretty much repeated what apparently he had laid out verbatim. and yes, the arms thing is true. people who are innocent also tend to get angry when repeatedly accused because they feel unjustly treated that way while the guilty tend to plead, cry and try to talk their way out of the situation.

according to the speaker, hubris was the best friend he had. he mentioned there were literally hundreds of people he had gotten to stumble because they had thought they could handle him and talk his way out. turns out that letting them talk as much as they want was most often their downfall.

the last video this investigator showed us was bill clinton stating he had not had sexual relations with 'that woman.' ... bright red, touching his nose, smiling nervously, I think the vote in the room was unanimous.

here's the thing though: you're more suspicious when you try to seem legit. you're supposed to be nervous. you're in a stressful situation.

whatever your situation is, good luck. and if this person is a cop, don't talk at all without a lawyer. they are a professional and you are not. the deck is stacked against you.
posted by krautland at 6:53 PM on December 7, 2008

Derail, but something I've always wondered: there's supposed to be a tell involving whether your eyes go to the right or the left when thinking of an answer.

Assuming it's not complete bunk, wouldn't that have to be reversed for someone left-handed?

So the person who's so attempting to detect lies would have to know whether you were left- or right-handed to be confident of the answer?
posted by AmbroseChapel at 6:58 PM on December 7, 2008

Talk about science
posted by hortense at 7:27 PM on December 7, 2008

I have talked to two different people who have "failed" lie detector tests due to exactly this kind of nervousness, despite both of them being extremely honest people with essentially nothing to hide. By "failed", I don't mean that they were accused of lying. I mean that the tests were thrown out and had to be redone at a later date, when they were hopefully more calm. One of them was calmer later, and everything went fine. The other person was never able to get calm enough for them to get a reading.

I RECOMMEND AGAINST READING TOO MUCH ABOUT THE DETAILS OF LIE DETECTION BEFORE YOUR MEETING. The more you're thinking about what the tester is doing, the more you're likely to screw up the test. My comment doesn't really contain any big details. I made that big so that you might see that advice when glancing at this page and decide not to dwell upon all the other comments here until later. After your interview, if you're still curious, then have at it.

Whether or not it's actually effective, lie detection is at least slightly more complex than looking for a "tell" (whether that be sweating, eye movement, particular phrasing, or whatnot). It involves asking lots of questions unrelated to the truth that the detector wants to get at, in order to get a baseline on what is "normal" for the subject right now. (I've even heard that sometimes they will ask questions that they fully expect the subject to be a little deceitful about, to try and get a baseline for what deception looks like for the subject.) If the subject shows "signs of deceit" on even the baseline questions (and not all the baseline questions are obvious to the subject) then they're not actually signs of deceit at all.

If you're truly hiding nothing (this is not the same as simply not lying), and the examiner is not conspiring against you, you'll either come across as not being deceitful or you'll just screw up the test completely, giving no results at all.
posted by ErWenn at 8:55 PM on December 7, 2008

AmbroseChapel: I've read that it varies from person-to-person and is not linked strongly enough to handedness for it to be reliable, but that you can find out by asking diagnostic questions. Also, I've read that this is more about figuring out whether somebody is remembering something as opposed to making something up. Even if it was reliable (I have my doubts), then it wouldn't be very effective if you were asking questions that they were prepared to answer.
posted by ErWenn at 8:59 PM on December 7, 2008

and if this person is a cop, don't talk at all without a lawyer. they are a professional and you are not. the deck is stacked against you.

Damn good advice.

And to expand on that advice a little, if any of your legal and/or property rights are potentially affected, don't speak to this person without a lawyer.

There's nothing suspicious about insisting that you have a lawyer to accompany you. If the stakes are high enough to make you nervous as hell, a prudent innocent person comes with a lawyer.
posted by jayder at 9:03 PM on December 7, 2008

Dunno if this might be relevant, but people have made a point relevant to depositions about not providing more information than is asked. The example I heard: If you're wearing a watch or you can see a clock and you're asked, "Do you know what time it is?," don't say, "Yes; it's 8:38." Say, "Yes."
posted by ambient2 at 9:38 PM on December 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you're nervous because this person evaluating you is very experienced and can tell the truth from a lie well, then he/she will also be able to tell the difference between a person lying and an honest person nervous that what he/she is saying is perceived as a lie. In other words, if this guy is such an expert, and experienced at these matters, then your nervousness won't be anything new to him.

Don't think about it. Don't try any "tricks", because those would likely backfire. Just chill.
posted by zardoz at 11:21 PM on December 7, 2008

If you can track down the study from this article, it is very interesting.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 8:40 AM on December 8, 2008

(I should've read on. The one involving Dr Ekman...)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 8:42 AM on December 8, 2008

Focus on stress management. Take a deep breath, let it out normally, and consciously settle your shoulders. The interviewers are humans, not cyborgs, and do not have magical abilities. You are an honest person, albeit nervous, who is being straightforward and cooperative. Don't make yourself more stressed by worrying about their lie-detection abilities.
posted by theora55 at 8:50 AM on December 8, 2008

The easiest way and most conclusive way for someone to tell you are lying is to catch you. This is the primary goal of your interviewer. They may use their knowledge of body language, intimidation, or conversation to trip you up and ferret out inconsistencies. Beware of getting needled into a corner. You say you want to tell them the truth, that gives you a big advantage. However, beware of trying to be too helpful or appear that you remember something that you are not 100% on.

For instance, I was deposed about a car accident that happened a few years previous. When asked what lane of this multi-lane highway the car had been traveling in, I thought for a minute, reconstructed the situation in my head, and told them it was in the right side lane. It seemed inconsequential at first. Then it came up again, was I sure about the lane? I said I was. Finally the police report was produced with conclusive evidence that the car was actually in the left hand lane at the time of the accident. I had never intended to lie, it had been a while since I witnessed the accident, and I was trying to be helpful and appear truthful by supplying the details I remembered. After that my credibility and reliability was pretty much shot and I ended up looking like a liar even though that was not my intention.

If you are asked a question to which you are not 100% on the answer, answer "I don't know" or "I don't remember". Lawyers will ask leading questions and cops will make you think they already know the answers. Whenever possible, answer with a simple "yes" or "no". Talking too much often makes it seem like you are desperately trying to convince them of something, and can easily get you backed into a corner.
posted by sophist at 8:55 AM on December 8, 2008