Should I ignore my ex friend with Benefits Birthday tomorrow?

December 6, 2008 6:22 PM

Should I ignore my Ex - Friend with Benefits Birthday tomorrow? And how speak to him after that after that?

All my story is already explained on my last question threads, basically I managed to moved out from a difficult situation in which I found myself cared of, but rejected.

Still this person gets in touch with me ocassionaly and ask me about my life. I still got his keys from his flat , where I used to live before the "breaking up ", and I think he does'nt want to lose me as a friend.. but I can't guess what is in his mind, probably he feels guilty about cousing me pain as he did not feel in the same way I have.

Last week he called me briefly to say hi and asked me the favor to send a package to his doughter for Chritsmas , I went to his flat while he is abroad and picked up. He said he will let me now the adress where I have to send it. I haven't heard of him for a week, and is now his Birthday tomorrow! I dont know if he came back to the City or still is abroad.

I am totally confused , I have done all eforts to move on with my life for the last 2 months, I still feel him as a friend in some ways as he looked after me for sometime when I needed, although he deprivated me of his love while living together. And that makes me feel still so angry and upset .

I feel that ignoring his Birthday by not calling or texting him, will show him I don't want part of him anymore, and I will don't make a fool of myself again, as I invent and did everything for the past 2 years to win his love with not so good results.

But on the other hand, I feel that if I ignore his birthday, he willl think I am upset I am not over him, ( altough I am very upset becasuse last time he called I said that it was nice to see his flat was very tidy and nice when I picked up my mail and , as the last call he mentioned he had a friend ( a college secretary from his work and she stayied at his place for a few days and she kept the flat nice and tidy, I got really upset , and I showed to him ) also It is diff for me to be harsh to people even more when I have spent so much time caring about them and loving them , then acting on the oposite way make me feel guilty .

I also think he will be upset If I don't call him, he may think I am playing games ? or get resentment thinking that just because he doesn t love me , I can't be just his friend,? also I feel sad in case he came to the City and spend his B alone, and just because he was who decided to keep as just friends, he doesn't dare to call me on his day?

I am also afraid perhaps of loosing his friendship in a long term it might make me feel bad when I will be really over him.

So the question is please , should I call him tomorrow or not?
what do I say if I call, and what do I say if I don't when he contact me later to tell me his doughter adress? , how should I act ? what do I say about his birthday?

Thank you for your advice..I am very lonely at the moment and I'd like to have some diferent opinions which would help me to make up my mind to rhis respect. As you probably read I am quite confused and anxious about it. Cheers.

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 answers total)

Do you want him in your life? If so, do something for his birthday. Do you want to get rid of him? Then ignore the birthday and consider that a first step.
posted by theichibun at 6:46 PM on December 6, 2008 [7 favorites]

If he hasn't even bothered to let you know if he's back in the city after asking you for a favor, he's not putting enough effort into this relationship (whether you're friends, with or without benefits, or dating, or broken up, or whatever, there's some kind of relationship here) to be worthy of the kind of angst you just spilled out in this question.

Whether you love him or you don't, it's obvious that being around him in this state of uncertainty is making you crazy. You don't have to remain friends with someone after a relationship ends, not to prove you're the bigger person or to demonstrate that you're not pining away for the relationship. Just move on, stop talking to this guy, stop calling him, stop answering his calls, stop angsting over what he might thing if you take some ridiculously minor action or don't take it or do something that's minutely different than the first action.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:24 PM on December 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

If you're still having romantic feelings for him (and it sounds like you are), but he isn't interested (and looking at your past questions, it sounds like he isn't), the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut ties with him at least for a while, until you're in a better place emotionally. This might take a few months or a few years.

You say you don't want to be harsh to others -- but consider that by continuing to have interactions with this man, you're being harsh to yourself by prolonging the situation that's caused you so much pain already.

I think you ought to call him, and tell him you think it's best if you both go your separate ways. Then do that. Spend some time caring for yourself, and eventually you'll find someone who can treat you with the respect you deserve.
posted by trunk muffins at 7:29 PM on December 6, 2008 [3 favorites]

Maybe send him a card but don't do anything beyond that. It appears that he treats you like a doormat and you are worth more than that. By keeping something percolating with him, you are denying yourself a chance to find someone who will love you and care for you just as you love and care for them. He's not worth it.
posted by fenriq at 9:00 PM on December 6, 2008

Rarely is wisdom doled out as succinctly as theichibun has done.
posted by IAmBroom at 9:04 PM on December 6, 2008

For some reason this question is breaking my heart. I can't offer any advice but I hope everything turns out well for you zulonline.
posted by reishus at 10:21 PM on December 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you still nurse a flame of hope in your heart for him, and you are willing to bend over backwards for this guy, and he's sort of wishy-washy with you, then it sounds like maintaining this relationship is a recipe for just more and more unpleasant experiences.

Take care of your life, he can take care of his.
posted by philosophistry at 12:16 AM on December 7, 2008

Zulonline, please do NOT make an effort to recognise his birthday. This man finds it amusing clearly that you still have feelings for him and he is playing with those feelings.

Because you lived there and you know him so well, you already knew that someone had cleaned up the apartment and again, knowing him you could easily guess at the kind of relationship. And because you still care so much for him you just had to ask, didn't you? (like the way you might keep touching a sore tooth).
If he was a nice man he would have just thanked you for saying the apartment was nice and clean and left it at that. But he knows how upset you will get so he gives you more information that your question strictly requires and probably enjoyed how angry you got (and jealous). It feeds his ego to think you still have strong feelings for him.

I've followed your questions from the beginning and this man can clearly get women to provide free sex and maid service just by allowing them to use his apartment.
Sweetie, no roof over your head is worth what this manipulative bastard is doing, and luckily you got out.
STAY out of his life, do not do nice things for him, that's just keeping the pain alive for you.
You will move on from this awful experience when you let go.
Completely.

Do NOT send him anything for his birthday. You have been socially conditioned to being pleasing and the fact that you had strong feelings for him makes you think you should maintain a relationship. The contact with him has stopped you from moving on or healing so please, give yourself the biggest Christmas gift ever and break off all contact with this cold, manipulative individual.

You deserve better.
posted by Wilder at 4:14 AM on December 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

Zulonline, I remember your other posts very well. On your first post, you said he does not want a relationship with you because you are not in his social/economic bracket. Then, you were moving out, and wanted to leave him a gift or letter. Now, he's doing the same thing to his secretary, while you run errands for him and wonder about his birthday.

This will hurt, but please read it: He will not care if you do not contact him for his birthday. If you do, that will be fine. If you don't, that will be fine. He will not spend 2 seconds thinking about it.

Asking you to mail the his daughter's present has no meaning. He needs a chore done for him. He does not care if you do it or not. If you mail the gift, that is OK. If you don't, that is OK too.

Letting you keep the key to his flat does not mean anything. Probably half the secretaries in his office have that same key. Keep it, or mail it back to him. It makes no difference to him.

You said your husband was violent. Is this man different? Maybe your husband hit you. Does this hurt less? At least a cut or bruise heals, but this man is hurting YOU -- not your body, but your soul. You've got to stop standing there, taking the abuse. To protect yourself, you must throw away his key, not take his calls, send no notes or texts or letters. You must pretend he does not exist. No contact! None!

Take some time to love yourself. All the things you love to do for others -- do for you. Make nice dinners, just for you. Pamper yourself. Buy yourself nice little gifts. Do the things that make you happy. You need time to heal, because you've moved from one abusive relationship to another. Learn to love yourself enough that you will never tolerate being treated this way by another person, ever again.
posted by Houstonian at 5:10 AM on December 7, 2008 [4 favorites]

Seconding Wilder and Houstonian. Stay away from this toxic person. He's not worth your health.
posted by plep at 6:46 AM on December 7, 2008

All your commets and advice have warmed my heart , and gave me strenght I needed to keep going. All of you, are right and good bless you for make me feel I am not alone , and make me realize thast there is still out there wonderful people to love and believe in.

I thank you all of you for such support today, and I will follow your wonderful pieces of advice.

zulonline xxxx
posted by zulo at 9:35 AM on December 7, 2008

I remember your previous questions very well, zulonline, and am strongly on your side! I know that you struggle a lot with this relationship, and I am very hopeful that soon you will be completely free of this person - he does NOT treat you well and you spend too much mental and emotional energy trying to CREATE a relationship where really, none exists.

I am also afraid perhaps of loosing his friendship in a long term it might make me feel bad when I will be really over him

Please hear the concern with which this is offered - there IS NO friendship. You will feel BETTER when you are over him.

He uses and takes advantage of you. He is not your friend and he certainly does not consider you his friend. He considers you his tool - he can use you to do things FOR him.

Please, please continue the good and hard work you have done so far and try to be DONE with this. All the time and energy you waste thinking about this man is time and energy you don't have to find someone who deserves YOU and treats you as well as you should be treated.
posted by tristeza at 10:59 AM on December 7, 2008