How to get over my obsession with food?

December 6, 2008 2:18 PM

OrthorexiaFilter: Help me overcome my obsession with food

Warning: What follows is quite long and involved! I invite any general commentary, anecdotes, personal experience, and advice :)

For some background information: 18 years old, female, healthy weight of 115 at 5'4. Currently taking a "gap year" before I start college next fall...though I am starting to question whether or not that is something I am able/willing to do right now.

So it's happened yet again. Crash, burn, wallow. Resolve to start my new diet tomorrow. Rinse. Repeat. Let's just say I'm tired, depressed, frustrated, and scared. While for the past 13 months my life has been consumed by food and what has proven to be an incredibly difficult (yet educational) journey in pursuit of "healthy eating," it was not until I recently read this article on orthorexia that I began to wonder if I have a problem. I can't even begin to recount the number of books (upwards of about 60 or 70) that I have read on health, everything from raw food to paleo to macrobiotic, low carb to low fat, body alkalinity, and food combining, as well as the number of hours I have spent perusing health forums and websites (up to 8 hours or more a day). Yes, I have learned more about the human body, biology, and nutrition than I ever did in school, and I'm thankful for that. But all of these conflicting opinions have only made me increasingly frustrated and terrified of eating the "wrong" thing. I have struggled with (relatively) minor health problems my whole life, but it seems that in trying to solve these problems, I have only created new ones. I'm obsessed with food and health and it's taking over my life!

On an intellectual level, I have come to the conclusion that I need to take the middle path. Simply stated, lots and lots of veggies, enough complex carbohydrates, and some meat (I won't/don't do dairy). Eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full. So why am I finding it so hard to stop binging on things not even the ill-informed would consider healthy? It's come to the point where I know what I need to eat, where I'm done debating whether or not things like meat or grains are healthy, and where I need to just get with the program.

What may also be relevant to all of this is that from about the ages of 12-16, I experienced intense distress regarding the cleanliness of my room and my schoolwork. For instance, I particularly remember that if I didn't have time in the morning to make my bed, I would come home, feel desperately out of control, cry, and begin cleaning my room all over again. Then I would proceed to start my homework, which included writing and rewriting my notes from the school day until they were perfect (I didn't like pencil smudges). Back then, it's as if I felt the best way to have a sense of control in my life was to control my room and my things. Interestingly, it seems that by the time I was 17, I had outgrown these urges and now my room is as messy as any other kid my age!

Like with my room and schoolwork, it seems that I now use food as a means of attaining control. When I was younger, I never wanted to eat. I had more important and more fun things to do! But when I was around 14, my eating habits began to change and I found myself consuming enormous quantities of food, even for a grown man several times my size! I've always had a fast metabolism, so I didn't gain weight or anything, but all of the refined carbohydrates and sugar took a toll on my immune system and I found myself getting recurring bouts of sinusitis and respiratory infections. At the same time however, I found that by eating so much, I was able to get attention from my friends and others. And so food became a part of my identity as I unabashedly devoured my share and cleaned the plates of my friends'. I will say right here that attention had much more to do with it than actual hunger, which, when I later went through a devastating breakup that left me in emotional wreckage for more than a year, led me to think it was "cute" to say that Ben and Jerry were my new boyfriends.

But right now, nothing feels better than when I've been "good," counted carbs, avoided combining fat and protein, and abstained from dairy, gluten, grains, soy, processed foods, etc. Nothing feels safer. After all, when one feels afraid of not only being hurt by others, but also by one's own body, living becomes a pretty scary thing. Add in a propensity towards perfectionism, an all-or-nothing mentality, and a need for attention, and well, there you have me and my life.

So where does this leave me? And what do I do about it? Right now, for example, after eating something I shouldn't have, I feel the urge to cut out foods, make yet another food list, and yet another eating schedule so I can feel safe and confident again. Am I simply supposed to recognize these thoughts as a symptom as my neurosis?

How do I find a middle ground if, to be "sober," I need to do something extreme, like cutting out a whole slew of trigger foods (foods that cause me to spiral into binge eating). The word "trigger" implies that when pulled, something deadly is unleashed, something of which I have no control. And so, the only solution is to control the trigger. My question is, why is there a gun in the first place? By saying I have a problem, am I unwittingly creating a problem? Perhaps my bellybutton is the source of my problems. Perhaps it's simply a matter of too much time (currently not in school, not working, see friends like twice a week...though I am working on getting a part-time job because I'm going out of my mind at home!!!!!!!!) and too much self-analysis. After all, if there's one thing self-help books have taught me (and I've checked them all out from the library...almost), it's that reading about my problems aren't solving anything. What ends up happening with me is that, for instance, I'll be reading a book about eating mindfully while scarfing down my lunch. Um, hello? What's wrong with me? If anything it seems that self-help books only give me license to keep telling myself that I have problems. Now, that doesn't mean that I am saying nothing's wrong. I'm not saying that (yeah, I know about the river in Egypt), but what I am questioning is the effectiveness and/or healthfulness, at the deepest and most fundamental level, of some of the methods I have been using.

Perhaps to understand that I am already whole and complete, despite what I eat/look like, despite whether others accept me, that there really are no such things as "good" and "bad" foods, that eating one or the other of said category does not characterize me as either, and that in the grand scheme of things, all of this is really not that important, is all I need to set me free from food, from obsessions, from fear, from guilt, from this self-imposed cage I call "control!!!"

When I tell myself that "I can control my life and my health and be safe if only I can control what I put in my mouth," am I talking about true control, or is that only a false sense, broken at the first taste of any forbidden fruit? What is true control anyway? Is it saying "no" to the cookie, or is it doing either one of two things; eating the cookie and feeling satisfied or choosing not to eat the cookie because, hell, I'm not even hungry anyway?! Why do I have to eat the whole box, why is it all-or-nothing, black and white? Why has the urge to do so gotten so incredibly intense since I started restricting my diet? And where has all of this food-obsession come from? No one in my family is like this! All of them have a very normal, healthy relationship with food. Why, for instance, is eating only when I am hungry such a foreign concept for me?

Okay I've gone on enough. I need help. Thank you in advance for having the patience to read all of this.

posted by DeltaForce to health & fitness (9 comments total)

It seems to be like you're a perfect candidate for therapy. It seems like you're struggling with classic anxiety/control issues and in trying to sort them out on your own, you're just making them worse/redirecting them. A therapist could definitely help with this.
posted by youcancallmeal at 2:30 PM on December 6, 2008

See a therapist. IANAT, but there are seemingly many issues here beyond the food. Good luck.
posted by fire&wings at 2:43 PM on December 6, 2008

Yes... a therapist. And the intuitive eating approach may be helpful to you.
posted by kimdog at 2:45 PM on December 6, 2008

You should see a Registered Dietitian who is experienced with eating disorders. If you're in the US, you can search here.

I'm afraid to tell you that, along with a lot of good information, you've probably learned a lot of apocryphal stuff about nutrition, health, and your body. The truth is, nutrition is a relatively young science, and there's still a lot of stuff not known for certain. There is still a ton of stuff about the human body and basic physiology, as well, that we just don't know yet. Any food system or diet guru purporting to have all the answers to these mysteries is nothing but a quack.

Ellyn Satter is a dietitian and social worker who has written some good books about feeding oneself and one's children appropriately, and helping people feel more relaxed around food. Check out her websites and her books. Even some of the ones written for parents (such as "How to Get Your Kid to Eat...But Not Too Much") are helpful for adults learning to eat on their own. She also trains dietitians in something she calls "Treating the Dieting Casualty" and working with disordered eating. You could email and find out if there is a RD trained in her methods in your area.

Another good place full of books and resources is Gurze books. I don't know if you've read it, but Health Food Junkies is a really interesting book about orthorexia, by the doctor who coined the term. It might help you gain some further perspective. More resources on disordered eating here and here.

I would agree that seeing a therapist is a good idea. It sounds like you have an eating disorder, or, at the very least, you have disordered eating and are using food to help you cope with aspects of your life for which you should have healthier coping mechanisms. Cognitive behavioural therapy, especially if you can get down to addressing core beliefs like perfectionism, can be very helpful.

In answer to your question Why do I have to eat the whole box, why is it all-or-nothing, black and white? Why has the urge to do so gotten so incredibly intense since I started restricting my diet?

It's because you're restricting. This is called a restraint/disinhibition reaction. You can look up some of the literature about "restrained eating" if you have access to scientific journals through school or library. Restricting your diet brings on the urge to binge. Once you legalize foods and start feeding yourself reliably, with nourishing, satisfying, enjoyable foods, at predictable times, you will likely find this urge to decrease.

If you have a family doctor, you can start there. You may also want to talk to your parents and family about getting some help. Best of luck to you.
posted by peggynature at 2:47 PM on December 6, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

How do I find a middle ground if, to be "sober," I need to do something extreme, like cutting out a whole slew of trigger foods (foods that cause me to spiral into binge eating). The word "trigger" implies that when pulled, something deadly is unleashed, something of which I have no control. And so, the only solution is to control the trigger. My question is, why is there a gun in the first place? By saying I have a problem, am I unwittingly creating a problem?

Yes, in a way. You're digging yourself deeper and deeper into disordered eating by continuing to believe that food will harm you. For example, you don't tell us why you still won't eat dairy, but there's no real reason to completely cut it from your diet, barring food allergy or lactose intolerance. Cheese won't hurt you. And, I suspect, neither will any of the other foods that you see as triggers. The fact that you self-diagnosed your sinus problems and respiratory infections as being due to food is also troubling. Do you have proof that something else wasn't going on in terms of your health? Or was it just easiest to see these problems as due to something you can control?

You're giving your diet a whole lot of power that it shouldn't have. People who genuinely have healthy relationships with food trust their bodies. They eat what their bodies want them to, and stop when their bodies don't feel like eating anymore. They don't see an oreo or a burger as particularly dangerous, because they let themselves have oreos and burgers when they want to. Restricting food, especially entire groups of food, is going to make those foods seem a whole lot more tempting. It's going to take time to relearn your bodies cues for hunger and fullness--people who diet often tend to be all sorts of screwed up about that stuff--and it's going to take time. You'll probably overeat quite a bit at first; this is your body overcompensating for the ways that you've mistreated it. Trust that it'll settle back down into healthy eating patterns--but only if you give it the time to. If you go back to restricting your eating, you'll be back to square one.

After all, when one feels afraid of not only being hurt by others, but also by one's own body, living becomes a pretty scary thing.

You've got it backwards, kid. Your body never hurt you. You've been the one hurting it all along. It's time that you take care of it, and of yourself. Nthing everyone above: therapy, therapy, therapy.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:56 PM on December 6, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Geneen Roth writes some very, very good books about this exact thing. The good thing is that you know the food is a symptom not the whole problem. Roth's books are really helpful in that way. When I was working as a therapist, I recommended them often.
posted by missjenny at 4:42 PM on December 6, 2008

You show such an enormous amount of insight into the problem, particularly linking it to obsessive compulsive behaviousr in your teen years that I believe you would be an ideal candidate for therapy and you should see some good results relatively quickly. Please look for a therapist. I'm not even sure you need one with an eating disorders specialty but I suppose it can't hurt. The issue you seem to have is around control and anxiety rather than food, food's just a symptom.
Best of luck!
posted by Wilder at 4:32 AM on December 7, 2008

Several months later, and I am doing much better. I would like to finally express my gratitude for all of your wonderful, sympathetic, and insightful advice. Thank you so so much.
posted by DeltaForce at 9:23 AM on March 11

good for you, DeltaForce!
posted by Wilder at 1:20 AM on March 16