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Heal Thyself
December 5, 2008 8:30 PM   RSS feed for this thread Subscribe

How do I heal a broken heart?

I am dealing with a doozy of a heartache, the likes of which I have (thankfully) never experienced before. What surefire, foolproof get-over-it and heal-thyself techniques can you recommend to help me break the lingering limerant response, mend myself, protect my heart while it's still tender, and move on as quickly as possible? Practical, hands-on suggestions are encouraged.
posted by anonnymoose to human relations (33 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
The classic advice, which seems facetious but is generally not:

You get over the last one by getting under the next one.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:36 PM on December 5, 2008 [10 favorites]


Time and upbeat music. I stress the upbeat part. Too many damn songs about heartache, I tell ya. Everyone needs at least one heartbreak, though.

It will get better.
posted by captainsohler at 8:38 PM on December 5, 2008


Alcohol!
No wait, that's not right.
Stay busy and time will take care of it. There really isn't an easy cure, sometimes you just have to be human and hurt a little.
posted by idiotfactory at 8:40 PM on December 5, 2008


Hands-on suggestions? Ho ho ho!

But seriously. More details required for effective advice, unless you truly want a cascade of nebulous "there are other fish in the sea" aphorisms.

Listening to a lot of Erasure might help?

Stay busy is truly good advice.
posted by ostranenie at 8:44 PM on December 5, 2008


Same way you'd heal a broken bone: ie, by not making things worse while unseen bits of your body get on with the job in hand. You break your arm, you stop playing tennis and rest it. But you've got nothing to do with fixing it -- that just happens. Same here: don't try new relationships, and rest it (ie don't sit looking at pictures of the other etc). One day it'll be fixed.

And while you're waiting, why not wallow in the misery anyway? It's the only time all those heartbreak songs actually make sense (previously)
posted by bonaldi at 8:48 PM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


I have been there. I have been there to the point where it made me physically sick. (I'm sensitive, ok?) Anyway, here are my tips:

-This is hard, but just tell yourself that one day (probably just a few weeks away) it's not going to hurt nearly as bad. It's going to fade and fade and fade until one you day you wake up, go about your business and suddenly it's 3 o'clock and you're like "Well. I haven't thought about XXXX once today. Weird."

-Don't do anything that is going to make you feel shittier, such as eating a gallon of ice cream. They tell you do just indulge when you're feeling like this, but don't -- it will just compound your feelings of grief with feelings of guilt and self-hate. If you want ice cream, have a dish like a normal person. (Same goes for alcohol, nachos, cheeseburgers, etc.)

-If you want to lay in bed and stare at the wall for two hours, you go ahead and do that. I found it impossible to "keep myself busy."

-Social stuff is good but in SMALL DOSES. Schedule lots of little things. I tried to do a six-hour bachelorette party and I had to excuse myself a few times to sob in the bathroom. Coffee with friend = good. Day trip to city = BAD.

-And I second the listen to sad music suggestion. Nothing dulls heartache like realizing you're not the first or the last to experience it.

-I don't know. Just trust me, it goes away. These things need time. Unfortunately. Don't beat yourself up. Do things that make you happy (For me, that means watching "30 Rock" and shopping. I'm simple.)

I hope this helps. Sorry if it sounded flippant, it wasn't meant to.
posted by als129 at 8:58 PM on December 5, 2008 [5 favorites]


Relish your new free time. Find a hobby or pick up an old one again. You can do anything you want any time you want to do it.
posted by PhatLobley at 8:59 PM on December 5, 2008 [3 favorites]


I know exactly what you're going through. This situation recently unraveled in the most operatic, ironic, unfortunate-for-both-of-us "Remains of the Day" way possible.


"You get over the last one by getting under the next one."

Yes, but the topological juxtaposition isn't even necessary. Infatuation will do just fine, even if unrequited (though, like taking a swig to relieve a hangover, you may only be pushing forward the inevitable pain).

But you can pull it back further still. Here's a hack to try. Can you "fake" an infatuation (with no external actions...this is all internal) with someone utterly neutral? Generate some heat and ardor for someone you actually are not interested in? Or even with an imaginary character? Do this solely to "mark" an arbitrary target for this ardor, so your emotional system can keep that sluice open and torrential?

The pain comes from shutting that sluice of ardor down; it has a lot less to do with externalities (i.e. the actual person). The pain (and, for that matter, the love), in other words, has a lot less to do with "out there" than with "in here". And, very luckily, "in here" is the thing you can control.

Everyone you've ever loved, everything you've ever loved, has ignited from the same exact outward spraying of an unfathomable divine fire hose from your heart of hearts (I'm being poetic...you needn't deem that physiological!). You needn't and oughtn't shut down that flow. That's what hurts....the stanching of that flow. The object/recipient actually isn't important, it's the preservation of that flow. So....try indiscriminately and pantingly adoring the butcher, Brad Pitt, Santa Claus, the films of Ingmar Bergman, or your slippers. Just let it out. Don't cinch the hose. If you can, even better: keep the EXACT feeling going (don't fight the feeling, baby!), and just totally remove the object. Just let it flow, in and of itself.

Next step....if you're of a mystical bent, is totally transformative. The following sutra from the Buddha is not a sappy new agey homily. It's downright torrid if you do it right. And now's a good time. Ok, take it away, Buddha:

With a boundless heart
Should one cherish all beings:
Radiating love over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths
posted by jimmyjimjim at 9:05 PM on December 5, 2008 [14 favorites]


Beware people who say "get over the last one by getting under the next one." That's a quick way to get used and add hurt to heartbreak.

I believe the best advice for getting through heartbreak is time and positive change. Don't focus on getting over someone. Focus on rediscovering yourself. Make time for hobbies and projects. Start a book club. Take a photography class. Join a bowling league. Meet people to play board games with. Learn to salsa dance. Learn to paint.

Captainsohler mentioned upbeat music. That's good! And how about some upbeat activities while you're at it? Reconnect with old friends or make new ones, but don't use those people as an outlet for grief. Instead, talk about anything BUT your ex.

If you're used to sharing your home and now feel lonely there, change your space. Especially your bedroom. Move the furniture, redecorate, maybe even paint the walls. Make your home feel new. It might feel like you're going a little overboard, but what you're really doing is giving yourself a project to focus on rather than dwelling on emptiness. You'll also be tricking your brain in a positive way since your home won't look like the place your ex knew, so you won't see him/her when you look around. You'll see something new.

Best of luck to you!
posted by 2oh1 at 9:20 PM on December 5, 2008 [4 favorites]


Keep busy. Plan your day so you don't have protracted alone time.
When you awaken, get out of bed right away. Don't linger or you may obsess about your lost love.

Play upbeat music and, in particular, tunes from your past that will provoke happy memories of life before Lost Love.
Be with supportive friends and family members.
Watch humorous films, tv shows, videos.
Work out, keep physically active.

Make a list of why you're wonderful and a great catch.
Travel. Go to new places. Try new things.

If you feel yourself falling into a low mood or battling intrusive thoughts about Lost Love, visualize Los Love in a comic, exaggerated way. Focus on Lost Love's imperfections, shortcomings, and failings.

Conversely, if you start torturing yourself with fantasies about Perfect Happily Ever After Life, comically exaggerate the fantasies (e.g., Prince and Princess in a cheesy Disney cartoon castle, with dancing ponies and singing pigs)

Time your down moods. Record how long they last and what thoughts provoke them. You'll notice that over time they become shorter and less potent. You'll also find that certain memories and thoughts are common triggers. Write about these in detail. You'll banish your demons.

Get righteous. Get angry. Demand that the Universe send you Lost Love 2.0 -- a new, improved, more lovable version of Lost Love -- right away. Maybe even for Christmas.
Talk to a therapist if you really feel you can't emerge from the heartache.

Most of all, know that what you're going through is a universal experience. You'll survive this and flourish, just as you've gotten through crises in your past. You'll go on to love again and be loved. As a wise friend once said to me long ago, "Lost Love will one day be just a drop in your ocean."
posted by terranova at 9:26 PM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


If you take your happiness and put it in someone else's hands, sooner or later it is going to be broken. If you give your happiness to someone else, it can be taken away. Then if happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of you loving, you are responsible for your happiness.

There are two main sources of emotions: fear and love. Love has no obligations. Fear is full of obligations. Love has no expectations. Fear is full of expectations. When we love, we don't have expectations, we do it because we want to. We don't feel hurt because whatever happens is OK. That's why hardly anything hurts us when we're in love.

Love is based on respect. Fear doesn't respect anything. Love is full of compassion... fear full of pity. Love is completely responsible. Fear avoids responsibility. Everything we think, or do, has a consequence. If we make a choice we have an outcome. If we don't make a choice we have an outcome. That is why we must be responsible for our actions.

Love is always kind. Fear is unkind. Anger, sadness, and jealousy all spring from fear. Love is unconditional. Fear is full of conditions. If you don't fit an image I create of you, I'm fearing the truth. But if I love you the way you are, then you are free to be the way you are. We don't have the right to change others, nor they the right to change us.

If you can know what within you is love, and what is fear, you can become aware of the way you communicate with others. Learning to shift your attitude from one of fear to one of love is a step in healing your broken heart. By seeing where you are, by changing your attention, you can change your emotions.

If you are aware that no one else can make you happy, that you are responsible for your own happiness, you can learn how to erase the fear within you. Spend time with people close to you who you love. Share yourself and your love with others less fortunate than you. Don't look in the rear view mirror. There is only pain back there. Happiness and love you will find straight ahead.
posted by netbros at 9:30 PM on December 5, 2008 [11 favorites]


Don't. let. yourself. think. about. him. (or her? I assumed him because guys seem to break more hearts). Don't overanalyze the situation now (why did it happen? what could've I done differently? NO! STOP IT!). If you hear a song that reminds you of them, turn it off. Don't eat foods that remind you of the person. Don't check their facebook account. Then in a month (or more) when it's not as raw, doesn't hurt as bad, you can think about it a little if you need to.

Does being alone or being with friends help? If it's the latter, make sure some close friends know and are able to be there whever you have alone time and don't want to be alone.

Exercise a lot.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 9:36 PM on December 5, 2008


Let yourself cry. It's OK to cry. It's cleansing.
posted by droplet at 9:50 PM on December 5, 2008


Al Green
posted by timeistight at 9:59 PM on December 5, 2008


Cry until you can't cry anymore.
posted by greta simone at 10:31 PM on December 5, 2008


A human memory is a wonderful blessing. Over time the details will fade and so will the pain. Eventually, you'll get perspective that will allow you to cope better. In the meantime, distractions are good.
posted by Happydaz at 10:42 PM on December 5, 2008


There are lots of great suggestions here... keeping busy and trying new things (especially things he/she never wanted to try but you always did) are big helps... as are most of the posts above.

One other small thing that always made me feel a little bit better: I always watch the movie "Swingers". Its one of my favorite movies anyway, but after a heartbreak it always seems especially wise, and there are just a lot of scenes that you can really relate to. Plus, its very funny.

Laughing & finding ways to laugh always helps too.

So sorry you are going through this.
posted by veronicacorningstone at 1:10 AM on December 6, 2008


If it was a really important relationship to you, it just takes time. You can even get into a new relationship, but the old one still hangs around if you've not gotten over it personally.

The rule of thumb in marriage and divorce, which I think is pretty applicable to all serious relationships, is that it takes you nearly half as much time to get over a relationship as you were in it. So, if you were in this relationship for two years, expect to deal with some things for the next year, maybe a little less, maybe a little more. It just depends on who this person was to you and how things ended. (If things ended on fairly amicable terms, it may not take so long.)

For now, get involved in a hobby or go out more with friends, even when you don't feel like it. Company is good in times like these.
posted by metalheart at 3:05 AM on December 6, 2008 [1 favorite]


Duct Tape.

But mostly time and distraction.
posted by HFSH at 3:38 AM on December 6, 2008


Make 2 lists.

The first is a list of every happy memory and thought you ever had with your former partner. Some will say you need to put this list along with all the physical artifacts in a box and talk to it for a week, or burn it. The point is that while you're getting over someone, lots of little things will keep popping up reminding you of them and it will hurt (something you joked about, or a movie you saw will come out on DVD). But 95% of these things that remind you of them and the relationship just gone can only pop up and make you sad once. So make the list and rip the Band-Aid off all at once.

The second is a list of the ways you didn't actually fit perfectly and all their faults and imperfections. With the latter part, go ahead and be mean. Be hypocritical and include complaints that apply to you too, or that you don't really care about, or try not to be so shallow as to notice. Be un-PC. Most good relationships involve no small amount of the people looking at them and their partner through rose-tinted glasses. This list is for taking off those glasses, so when you miss them/it you can reflexively say to yourself "yeah, but at least I don't have to listen to them going on and on about _________ with that smug tone anymore." If you get a flash of a memory when they were making the world perfect just by smiling, you can call up a memory of when they got drunk, said something stupid, and got puke in their hair (or yours).
posted by Martin E. at 5:00 AM on December 6, 2008


n-thing time. Also acknowledging the complex emotions that form heartbreak: disappointment, anger, grief, confusion, frustration, and (as netbros mentions) fear, amongst other nameless qualities. They can all mix in the spectrum to become one white-hot all-encompassing pain, but in time each element will start to unknot and smooth out - maybe at different rates, and you will heal. Distraction helps, but so does wallowing from time to time. All of the advice above is good. You'll get through it.
posted by freya_lamb at 5:16 AM on December 6, 2008


Exercise. You'll feel better and look better.
posted by HotPatatta at 5:26 AM on December 6, 2008


For some reason, this clip helped me a lot.
posted by jhighmore at 5:33 AM on December 6, 2008


How do you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
posted by mandal at 6:00 AM on December 6, 2008


You're not alone. Wallowing until you get fed up of yourself, being with people who care about you, patience, and being kind to yourself all help. Big hugs, anonnymoose, it's horrible.
posted by penguin pie at 6:39 AM on December 6, 2008


People will tell you you're not ready, don't move on, let it heal, focus on yourself, blah blah blah.

They're wrong. Get to work on falling in love again, and remember life is short and the world is full of amazing people to love.
posted by fourcheesemac at 6:54 AM on December 6, 2008 [2 favorites]


The entire thread has a lot of great suggestions, but when someone else asked this question a while back, Jessamyn's response was beautiful.

And I was also dealing with a broken heart at the time, and tried it, and she was right.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:12 AM on December 6, 2008


I went through one of these this past year. What helped me most was to almost create a new separate life - a post heartbreak existence. It helps greatly to make friends who don't know that version of you, the person who broke your heart, or just you as a couple. And with having some new friends and environments to be in, when you're ready, you'll be in a great situation to meet someone new.
posted by mattsweaters at 11:54 AM on December 6, 2008 [3 favorites]


I recently scanned a bunch of AskMeFi responses to similar questions and there were many common threads, but one stuck out in my mind. Ask yourself, deep down, do you still carry a hope for your old partner? If so, how can you quash that hope? That's why a new lover works because it keeps you from looking backwards for love. But there are more simple things. Delete his (or her) number from your contact list. Remove him from your facebook or myspace. If necessary, use BlockSite so you stop looking at their blogs or websites. Throw away old photos. Don't visit the places that person frequents. Don't inquire about him or her (or tell your friends to not mention anything about him). Just act as if you want to remove all possibility that you will ever be with that person again.
posted by philosophistry at 1:19 PM on December 6, 2008 [2 favorites]


I am dealing with a doozy of a heartache, the likes of which I have (thankfully) never experienced before. What surefire, foolproof get-over-it and heal-thyself techniques can you recommend to help me break the lingering limerant response, mend myself, protect my heart while it's still tender, and move on as quickly as possible? Practical, hands-on suggestions are encouraged.
I was in your position two years ago, and it hurt like hell. Everyone is different, but I will do my best to provide you with some of the tools that I used to help me get over my relationship:


posted by aloneinvietnam at 6:04 PM on December 6, 2008 [7 favorites]


Breakups change your plans for the future - you won't be looking for an apartment to share next year, you won't be going to her family events or his cousin's wedding, etc. I've found the "what do I do now?" feeling overwhelming, and that I needed to occupy my thoughts by creating a new future.

I've found it helpful to have something big to look forward to: a vacation to a place you've always wanted to visit, a marathon, a new job, a move to the other side of town. Something that you're genuinely excited about that can occupy your time with lots of planning. It'll help you envision a new future that's even better than before.
posted by theflash at 7:18 PM on December 6, 2008 [1 favorite]


I find setting up a sort of recovery schedule can work for me.

Phase I, give yourself time to feel bad. Set a time limit for this. Give yourself a proportional amount of time. I once gave myself just a night after dating someone for five weeks; if you've been dating someone for six months you might want to give yourself two weeks, or a month if you've been dating for a year or longer. During this time, go ahead and wallow and indulge yourself. See lots of movies, sleep in, eat chocolate, write bad poetry, read pulp novels, let the housework go, and feel every bit as bad as you actually do.

By the end of this time you'll be good and sick of feeling bad and be happy to move on to Phase II, during which you'll regroup and enjoy the life you actually have. Don't make any major changes, but do constructive things, and enjoy yourself in general. Exercise, see your friends and family, do a few projects around the house that you've been meaning to get to, get a new haircut or a new outfit.

Phase III is when you really start forging ahead. Do those new things you've always dreamed about doing. Get a new job or a pet, move, take a trip, start playing an instrument or writing a book, or go back to school. And you can start dating again.

And that's Orange Swan's Three Step Plan for Dealing With Heartbreak. It's a pretty organic process that seems to work well, because at each stage you're only doing what you really feel like doing. Don't force yourself into the next phase before you're ready, but be mindful that you are nursing yourself back to feeling good again and don't stay in Phase I or II longer than you really need to.
posted by orange swan at 11:12 AM on December 7, 2008


Lean on your friends, let them be a shoulder to cry on. And do things you've been meaning to do but never got around to while dating.
posted by ifjuly at 2:41 PM on December 11, 2008


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