Bad timing. Chance of getting back together with my first love?

December 4, 2008 1:18 PM

Sigh* here goes fellow MeFi(ers). It's time for another backstory, thank you in advance for your patience. You guys are the best. So my girlfriend of a little over 2 years just broke up with me. The first year we were in college together, the second year I graduated and she was still in school. We were long distance for about 200miles. Surprisingly, that long distance worked because we got to see each other almost every other weekend.

Now however, I moved to the other side of the country (3000miles apart) for wanting a career change. My move coincided with her becoming a senior in college. We made sure to keep a goal that once she graduated (1year) we would finally be reunited again. Prior to my move we had a discussion and we were very serious about staying together. This is when things got harder than normal because we would only see each other 5-6weeks. In general, she's a very emotional person and her feelings tend to follow a pattern of drifting away the weeks we're apart. (She grew up with family issues of neglect and add to the fact she dated really bad boyfriends in her past) She would randomly lose all feelings for me and not understand why. On top of all this, she's currently a senior in college and has NEVER been so busy in her entire life. The combination of her school work load and school club responsibilities she's been extremely stressed out lately.

The good news was that every time we would see each other she would feel better and things would return to normal. But then we'd separate again and she'd begin to lose feelings for me again. One day (last time we physically saw each other was 5weeks ago) she finally made the decision to break up with me. When I asked why, main reason being she lost feelings for me and she's tired of constantly trying to fight it. We saw each other 2-3 days after the breakup (due to a previously purchased and scheduled plane ticket) at the end of the trip she said her feelings didn't come back. I tried explaining that this would pass like all the other times it has passed. But she didn't want to keep fighting and trying anymore.

So here are my real question(s)! I know I have to let her go. If she doesn't want me anymore there's not much I can do. Has anyone been in a similar situation where you felt like stress and distance ended the relationship? and not so much of actual problems with the relationship itself. Granted, we weren't a perfect couple and we had our own relationship problems. But nothing of the type that would end it. Once she graduates she will most likely move to the city I am living (not because of me, but because she always wanted to). I keep hoping and believing we will get back together because she'll finally be away from all the crazy stress and we can be physically close again. Am i being stupid and postbreakup emotional here? Am i holding onto false hope? She's going to graduate in 6months. No matter what, I know I have to expect the worst. We may never reunite. It just hurts and I feel like the stress of her circumstances brought about a decision she will later regret. So I'm holding onto some hope.

Also, does anyone else have stories of couples reuniting after a break? THANK YOU all for your patience.

posted by anonymous to human relations (11 comments total)

If the stress of her current life really is what lead her to make this decision, that's something that she will have to discover on her own. And no, there's no guarantee that she would.

But there's also no guarantee that that's what happened, either.

I'm sorry this hurts, but it will be kinder to yourself to accept that this is probably the end. Sure, there's a slim chance that years from now she'll regret what she did and want you back -- but it's not a strong enough chance for you to bank on now.

And who and where you are now is all you have, and who she is and where she is now is all you have to work with. And for a lot of reasons, who she is right now just may be too troubled to be a good match for you.

I'm sorry you're hurting.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:30 PM on December 4, 2008 [2 favorites]

Whether or not a couple reunites after a break really depends on the couple. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others. Depends on the dynamic of the relationship.

So here's the thing, right. It's perfectly normal for stress and distance to take a toll on the relationship. I've been there. I'm still sort of there. The deciding factor is how you decide to deal with the stress and the distance. She has decided, for one reason or another, that she is no longer willing to put in the effort. Obviously stress played into that decision, but for better or for worse, she has weighed the stress against the benefits of the relationship, and decided against the relationship.

That's not something you can change. You can't really say "What if we weren't stressed, we would've worked out!" because that's not really what's at play here. You can't really know what could or could not have ended the relationship, were you actually together. Maybe if you weren't apart, you would've moved in together, gotten sick of each other's quirks and habits, and had a blown up fight culminating in a breakup.

Yes, you are holding onto false hope. Especially since she doesn't seem to have given any indication that she's even interested in rekindling things. To be honest, it actually sounded like the distance is partially a mask for other things. Maybe the relationship has run its course. It's totally okay for you to be hurt and emotional about it, but I guess don't let that take away your perspective.

She's moving to your city in six months; it'll be tempting to go after the pleasant past. So take this intervening time to cut yourself off for a while, don't talk to her as much or stop talking to her, get used to the idea that the breakup has happened. If you get back together, it'll be a pleasant surprise. If you don't, you don't get hurt worse because you spent the past half a year building up a fantasy of what will happen as soon as she moves to your city.

Best of luck, buddy. It's tough.
posted by Phire at 1:32 PM on December 4, 2008

I've been in your exact situation. We didn't get back together. Now I'm happy with someone else. It might work out for, but it might not. If it doesn't, have a good cry then get back up and move on. You can do it.
posted by banannafish at 1:45 PM on December 4, 2008

I've been in your girlfriend's situation. I really, really loved my boyfriend (in fact, he still wears the crown of Best Boyfriend Ever years later). But then he moved away and I experienced exactly what your girlfriend is feeling: the wasting away of emotions, the frustration of communication over a long distance, and, bonus, some resentment directed at my boyfriend for leaving. But then we'd be together again and all would be right with the world, which sounds like a good thing, but actually was a real mindfuck for me. One minute I was content with him and the next it didn't really matter if I heard from him ever again. At times I'd full-blown seesaw to getting irritated with him for simply calling me. I was all over the place because my brain didn't know whether to focus forward or backward or what.

I can honestly say the break up I initiated wasn't his fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, per se. It was purely situational. So I did end things because I felt so terribly lonely (counterintuitive, to break up because you're lonely, I know), resentful of his departure, frustrated with my inability to leave (and also confused about my desire not to leave my geography to match his), and all sorts of other hot tamale issues tied into my jacked up past (similar to your girlfriend's family issues). Overall, though, it was really wearing on my emotions not to have some continuity in my heart. I think that was the major problem.

As for reuniting, as said on here before, no one knows what will happen with you two. I did try to reunite with Best Boyfriend Ever, but by that point, he had given up and moved on to someone else. A real ass-kicker there that sometimes still wakes me in the middle of the night. So, my advice there is to do what you can to prevent that. Accept that she is gone. Snuff out the false hope that you (yes) have going on. Wow, that is quite possibly the most horrible thing I can say, huh? Sorry. But I mean it as a kindness. Work on moving your life forward without her and if she shows up on your shores again later, it'll be a nice surprise, but not an expectation that tortures you.

It's hard to see from where you're standing right now, but this is going to work out as it should. It might not make a whole lotta sense right now, but it's going to spiral into what's right.
posted by December at 2:08 PM on December 4, 2008 [2 favorites]

I've been in your exact situation. We didn't get back together. Now I'm happy with someone else.

Been there, done that, don't precisely regret it but I wouldn't recommend it for a laugh, either.

Some people can do the long distance thing, and some people can't. Wishing she (or you) were different won't make it so, either.

That said, you are making this sound like only she can make a decision here, and you are just along for the ride. But you have options, too. What would happen if you called her and told her that you had sold all your stuff, started driving, and you were going to move back to where she lives for the next six months, and then the two of you can move together to wherever you are going after she graduates? Or could you simply acknowledge her need to not be in a LDR, but emphasize that you like her and that you hope to continue the conversation after she graduates?

My point is that you have made decisions already (like moving away) and are continuing to make them (eg by trying to convince her to change her mind), and those choices have produced the situation you are in now. If you want to change that situation, you are going to have to do something differently.

My guess is that this relationship (like many, if not most relationships) is one that needed physical proximity to work; without that there isn't anything left. And it sounds like she has some serious issues, and that you have spent a lot of your time in the undignified position of trying to convince her to remain with you -- as an outside observer, I can safely say that this is not the basis for long-term success. A good partner is one who feels delighted and honored to be with you, not one who has to be arm-twisted and sweet-talked into going along with things.
posted by Forktine at 2:13 PM on December 4, 2008

Also, does anyone else have stories of couples reuniting after a break?

I missed this. It's incredibly common -- I've done it, and most everyone I know has done it. But it won't happen unless both of you are single and in the same place and the chemistry is still there -- and none of that can be predicted. Being low-key and non-dramatic now (rather than having the endless teary late-night phone calls, or worse making threats and rash promises) will make it more likely, but even so it's not something that you should be counting on.

Live your life and be happy on your own terms, and then see who would best fit into that life with you. Don't bend yourself into contortions for someone who might not even be interested.
posted by Forktine at 2:17 PM on December 4, 2008 [2 favorites]

Echoing on what everybody else said before me. In order to be sane and be able to live out the rest of your life you will have to think that she will never come back and that everything is over. I know it sounds harsh but even if she were to come back to you years down the line does not mean it will work then, and the odds of this happening are actually very low, especially because of the distance between you.

I know you that idealistically both of you would fix whatever issues you had to fix and then come back...but unfortunately real life doesnt work that way......been there done that...
posted by The1andonly at 2:27 PM on December 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

In my experience, we can rationalize and discuss decisions like these with our partners - but at the end of the day, the gut/emotional experience (and really, what else is at the very base of a romantic relationship?) is that you chose your career over her. Over being anywhere near her.

That said, I've gotten back together with someone after they 'left' me (similar situation, farther distance) but it required many grand gestures on their part and them living in the same house as me.
posted by Acer_saccharum at 4:56 PM on December 4, 2008

If she can't handle the discomfort/stress of you being away for a year, I'd hate to see how she'd handle the stress of you getting in a life altering car wreck.

When I was in college I thought I was with the love of my life (also a long distance relationship.) Through the lens of maturity and my very happy marriage I realize that I knew nothing of love and the relationship I had back then wasn't what it seemed at the time. That's pretty cold comfort I realize.

On a more positive note... my college relationship wasn't a waste, it forged my resolve to only seek out the best possible relationship for myself. At the time, in college, I thought I was with the most amazing woman in the world... but compared to my wife, my college sweetheart was... lacking.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 7:59 PM on December 4, 2008

Yeah, what Forktine said is key. Move on with your life, don't appear desperate and scale back communication with her to little if any. If she ends up near you in the future, great. If not, great. Just keep that I don't care one way or another mentality, because the second you start to care too much it will be over.
posted by banished at 9:21 PM on December 4, 2008

Hey, good news: I am reunited with my ex and we are happy together after 2 years of separation due to distance. Unfortunately, before that 2 years of separation is 2 years of misery, pining for an unrewarding long distance relationship. At this point, I'm happy that it works out this way; but I have to agree with Forktine and banished. A relationship, be it long-distance or short, can not be maintain unilaterally. You have been informed of her decision. Trust her judgement, and (for your sanity sake), trust that she has done the best she can. Then move on and search for your own happiness. Connections with your love ones should enrich your life, enable you both to achieve your mutual goals and the meaning of your life. It should not depress you, or reduce your quality of life, or bring misery. We only live once, and it's a terrible waste to use our time to torture others, especially those we love.

You may also learn from this experience. Relationship are hard. It requires many ingredients, and sometime, when your resource is constraint (e.g your physical being), it will require sacrifice. Knowing this will let you make better judgement next time. You are still young, you will have many more opportunities.

As for me, I spent the time apart dating and having relationship. So did she. We held each other in high regards, and we emailed twice a year. It just happens that I was single (for about 4 months) when she moved back into town and re-initiated contact. Things blossomed from there. Neither one of us expected it, but it was certainly more comfortable now. So, have hope, but don't stop striving for what you want. People do win lottery sometime.
posted by curiousZ at 8:57 PM on December 5, 2008