[Relationship/divorce Filter] Long story, short list of questions inside.
I grew up poor. Like, food stamps and government cheese (literally) poor. When I was 16 I fell "in love" with a woman who became my wife. She showered me with gifts and paid for our dates. In retrospect, I feel that and the fact that she was very pretty, was the reason I thought I was in love.
About a year after we'd started dating she confided in me. Her doctors had told her she'd likely never be able to have children. Her Doctor had warned her that if she ever could have children, it would have to be when she was pretty young by societies standards. She confessed that she wanted to have a baby and didn't care if she was judged for it, she asked me to get her pregnant. Initially, I flat out refused. Over the next few weeks she explained more and more about her medical condition. She'd had surgery to remove some cysts on her ovaries, the procedure had destroyed nearly all of her eggs, due to that procedure, it was unlikely she could conceive. She cried as she told me she felt her body was telling her, "Now!" for the only chance of a baby.
You have probably guessed, we had the child. While she was pregnant we had the typical arguments that those not well matched have. Arguments on money were actually the less common, but a recurring theme was the fact I didn't show her enough affection, and she didn't respect me/my views. At that time, I felt there was only one person for each person and if she threatened to leave I did whatever it took to change her mind. One night she said she was tired of me not showing her enough affection (I remember the situation quite clearly, I had helped her make dinner, we at together, then I let her know I was going to play on our PC for an hour before we played a board game together (monopoly if it matters). After about 30 minutes of playing she stormed into the room and advised me that she couldn't live with someone who could put a video game before her (she didn't protest when I mentioned I was going to play...). She said she was going to go to sit on some nearby railroad tracks and wait for a train to end it all. It was a cold February day, there were about 6 inches of snow on the ground. I was barefoot, in boxers and a t-shirt when she walked out the door. I didn't hesitated to chase after her. I spent the better part of half an hour begging her to come back inside. When we finally did return to the house my feet were in extreme pain, it took me hours of lukewarm water to get feeling to return.
Due to some pretty strict religious beliefs*, I didn't see separation as an option, but from that night on I realized, "I'm pretty much done with this..."
After our first child was born she advised me she couldn't get pregnant while she was breastfeeding. Doing my own research debunked this and I used protection. A few months later she began birth control. 1 year later she was pregnant again, she explained the pill must have failed.
At the time she got pregnant again, I was seriously considering leaving (in spite of those religious beliefs). Duty bound to care for her and our children I stayed.
Through all of this I worked dead end jobs for barely over minimum wage, she didn't work but went to college and earned her degree. Our original plan was for me to attend college after she finished. (Side not here, when I was 17 and starting my softmore year I was fed up with a specific school situation and dropped out, then earned my GED. I should probably include, the GED stigma probably doesn't apply to me. I'm an intelligent individual who has excelled even in my current job in the professional world.)
Our original plan was for her to finish college and get a good job, then I could quit working and finish college. At one point, after my second son was born, she must have sensed my... uneasiness... about our relationship. She set me down and explained that if I were to ever leave her, she would commit suicide.
Since then we've been together for remainder 8 years and had a third child. (Another accident.) Any time divorce was mentioned she had a simple reply, "You know what that means for me, right?" (suicide) During other arguments she would prompt, "Would you prefer I just killed myself? Would that make things easier?!" Of course, I always have made it VERY clear that I'd never want to see her die. Our children would never want to see her die. She has friends and family who lover her and wouldn't want to lose her. Even if we didn't stay married, what we shared would never be capable of being duplicated and I wouldn't want her to die.
About a year ago I had a major discovery. While talking to her Mom I mentioned the fact we were lucky she was able to conceive so many children (or even at all). He mom's face turned to a mask of confusion. I explained that with the surgery on her cysts, we were lucky she was able to conceive since that would cause so many problems conceiving. She looked sad and explained, she'd been there for those surgeries, the doctor had never said that my wife would have problems conceiving. (My wife and been a minor and living at home during that time. I hadn't even met her yet.)
For over a year I carried this. I started piecing together the lies I'd proven over the years. (At one point her friend vandalized our apartment. After some sleuthing on my part I discovered it hadn't been her friend, it had been my wife framing her friend. (Luckily?), we hadn't filed a police report.) The other incidents were more minor than this, but still, years of lies.
I began to wonder if the other two pregnancies were accidents after all...
A few weeks ago I confronted my wife. At first she denied everything, but then I began laying out my evidence. Suddenly she confessed, the lie that led to our first child was a premeditated attempt to "lock me in" to her. Ditto with the second. The third child was indeed an accident, but she was glad it happened when it did. She admitted to the lies I knew of and some I didn't. (One additional lie was that she couldn't find a job one quarter she took off. During that time I was working two jobs to make ends meet.) I confessed that I was not in love with her and explained that there is no one else that I'm in love with, just... I've felt betrayed and can't be in love with her. She's accepted that and said she hopes I fall back in love.
I told her that, given the situation, I didn't see any chance of our relationship working out. She begged me to go to couples counseling and I agreed it would probably be best. (I haven't told her that my reason for wanting that counseling is to make this as clean and amicable break as possible, due to the suicide concerns.)
We won't be starting that until mid to late Jan. (My idea to delay it a bit, I lied to her and said we were too busy this time of year, in actuality I'd simply prefer we didn't ruin this time of year and make it a bad memory for my children.)
Last night I voiced this aloud for the first time (to my best friend). Since then, I've been struggling. I know this is over. I will not be able to trust her again, ever. I really think that involving a counselor (we've lined up a psychiatrist) in the conversation where I reveal my intentions to move on will be the safest for her.
There are a few other sacrifices I've made for her.
A. I didn't move with a good paying job because she couldn't deal with being away from her parents. This was a job that to this day I miss and loved. (I'm not happy at my current job... at all.)
B. We life a FULL hour from where I work. I wanted to move closer, to her that was NEVER an option. There were no compromises on her side. The city I work it is probably the only city within 100 miles I can work in and make the money that I do.
C. I've given up almost every friend because, invariably, there is an argument between her and them and...how can a man not back his wife?
Finally, my questions.
1. Am I right to wait rather than tell her now?
2. How do I look her in the eye/interact with her now that I've acknowledged it's over? I knew before but the words seem to imbue the feeling with more emotion.
3. Can I leave her and still maintain the sense of honor I feel I've worked hard to maintain for years?
4. How do you deal with a house when neither of you can afford the payments on your own?
5. (This one almost certainly will be addressed by the counselor, but I want to ask for opinions here too.) How do we tell our kids?
6. What am I forgetting to ask? What advice can you offer?
I'm reading the other threads related to similar situations, but I'd like your opinion on MY situation.
*Note: I'm an atheist now, through and through.
posted by TheDukeofLancaster to human relations (35 comments total)
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Can I leave her and still maintain the sense of honor I feel I've worked hard to maintain for years?
My God, man, after she's lied to you, manipulated you, and threatened suicide to trap you into a situation, and you've finally discovered the truth, you're actaully questioning your honor?
Honestly, I'd say that the fact that you didn't get violent immediately upon finding this out shows that you are already well beyond the curve when it comes to honor. You thought about how your children would take all of this, to the point that you put their future memories of this Christmas before your own emotional well-being. I'd say that you are already well and safely in the "honorable" camp and have been there for years.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:13 AM on December 4, 2008 [20 favorites]